angelbaby925

So a thought came in my mind today... Am I an enabler? I mean I see alot of people on here that still live with the addict/alcoholic. I guess my situation is a little different since I dont live with him. But, whenever hes off the wagon I don't keep contact or let him see his son. He still doesn't even know where I live. He's been in rehab for the past 2 1/2 months. So I've been going to see him so he could see his child... going to lunch and what not. But, as of right now with the program he is broke... dead broke. No phone, nothing. I want to know if paying his phone bill (prepaid) would be enabling him? I just feel that he needs a phone so he can call his sponosor, or if he feels like getting loaded he can have a way to contact someone... hmmmm? what to do.

suki44883

I'm a little confused. Is he out of rehab now? If so, why can he not get a job? If he's still in rehab, why does he need a phone?

angelbaby925

He is in a rehab where they allow cell phones... he recently just switched programs because he felt the other one was not working for him. But, he can't get a job right now, which he can have there, until he gets an id. He lost his.

suki44883

All these things sound to me like consequences of his own bad choices. If he is in rehab, they will act as his sponsor during this time. Is this rehab inpatient or outpatient? How can he drink if he is in inpatient rehab? Is he taking steps to get his ID? It takes time and diligence to get back to a sense of normalcy and his entire focus should be on his recovery.

From what you have posted, yes, I would consider paying for a cell phone to be enabling.

interrupted

He should go get an ID and then get a job and then purchase a phone. That's what I would do if I were him. If my sister called me with that story that's what I would tell her to do.

angelbaby925

He's not drinking or using... hes been sober for the past 2 1/2 months. The new program is kind of an outpatient program. Its like an SLE. But its run through the program.

kmangel

I think the problem is you are trying to fix his problems for him. What does he say? That you pay for his phone? Let him figure out how to get the money (honestly) and pay for a phone.

dollydo

"I want to know if paying his phone bill (prepaid) would be enabling him?"

IMO, yes, he created the situation, as an adult it is his responsibility to take care of himself and his issues.

outtolunch

He was unemployed, homeless, in /out of jail, verbally and physically abusive and left your 3 month old child home alone while he went out for booze. For awhile there he was sleeping in your car. Speculation on my part that he has not spent a dime to support his child and yet had money for heroin.

Buying him a phone and paying for service is not enabling him. He clearly is going to live life as he chooses to do, no matter what you do, or not. Another way of looking at this is that the phone will enable you to sustain the hopeful fantasy that he is going to change into the kind of guy/father you want and need him to be.

You are the storng and responsible one and the only hope your child has for a future. And yet, here you are young and lonely and playing the sucker role.

Active alcoholics/addicts and those new to recovery make lousy parents. If he is in any way into recovery he is going to move heaven and earth to consistently provide for his child. Until then, why waste any more time with him?

dollydo

"Buying him a phone and paying for service is not enabling him."

It's not? What is it then?

angelbaby925

He never asked me to pay the bill. He said he wanted to do it on his own. He realizes he is stuck in a rut... and things take time. It was more of a nice gesture i thought of, nothing more nothing less. He understand that he cant provide for his child right now... and it devastates him. He also thanks me for being such a "wonderful mother" and says that our son is very blesses, which he is!

angelbaby925

I also told him that we can see eachother but the most important thing to do is take care of himself. Maybe eventually we can be back together. But, IT IS ON HIM. It is his choice to get his life together, not mine, not my sons. Which ever way his life goes is up to him. I have my own life... so whatever he does doesn't affect me either way. Of course i'd love more than anything else for him to get sober for GOOD. But, like I said that isn't up to me.

LoveMeNow

Are sure the phone isn't a way for you to contact him and keep tabs on him??

I know now that most of my "kind" acts, were usually self serving when it came to my husband. It is part of my codependency!! I thought I was very compassionate and caring but little did I know then......It was all about control and my obsession.

angelbaby925

I was never going to buy him a phone... He has a phone. I was just going to surprise him and pay the bill. It isn't so I can keep tabs on him. He has his own life and I have mine. We just started being able to communicate this past 3 months... before that I wouldn't talk to him or see him... and that went on for about 8-9 months. So, I dont have any control issues over him. Hes going to do what he wants to do and ive learned that. So whenever he is off the wagon I let go till he can get clean.

LoveMeNow

Then let him figure this out! If he wanted drugs, he would find a way and the money. If he wants minutes on his phone, he too can find a way!! It's his problem!!

dollydo

I believe that the money would be better spent by putting it in your sons college fund.

Surprise him by not enabling him any further.

kmangel

Remember--don't do anything for someone that he/she can do for themselves. He can pay for his own phone. If not, then he doesn't need a phone, does he?

Faithlove

Can't he call your baby from the house phone? He doesn't need a cell phone. We all survived without them 10-15 years ago.

Let him figure out his life on his own. He needs to buck up and get an ID, a job, pay child support, then his own phone. If you're always being nice and doing things for him, he'll never have the chance to prove to himself that he can stand on his own two feet.

Spend that money on yourself. Surprise yourself with something nice.

angelbaby925

Thanks <3