easiersaid

I feel so guilty for wanting out of my relationship with my opiate addicted boyfriend. I've spent nine and a half years with him and we have two young daughters together. His addiction has progressed to intravenous drug use. Not sure if it is heroin but know for sure that he shoots up pills of whatever kind he has at the time. He started the IV drug use several months ago.. Something he always swore he would never do. He has been in jail for about a month for failure to comply and is supposed to get out tomorrow. I visited him last Sunday but couldn't tell him I was done. In fact, as I was walking out of the visitation room he put me on the spot asking me if I would give him yet another opportunity. And I said yes but told him he drives me crazy. Its so hard to let go after almost ten years and two children. But I look back at all the instances of cheating and lying and drug use and it makes me miserable. And yet I feel sorry for HIM! Why???? Please help me. I'm past my breaking point. I can't take anymore lies or fear of him cheating again or worrying whether or not he is using or will use in the future. I know if I stay it will be to make him happy. And I want my family, who I've put off because they dislike him so much. But Im wasting my time trying to make something work that hasn't worked for ten years. I just always think maybe he's serious this time. But then I think about all the damage that has been done over the years and how I have no trust in him. I also think he may have used while our four year old was with him one afternoon. Hell, that probably happened several times now that I think about it. I guess I just need lots of reassurance right now that leaving is the right thing? I'm such a pushover and hate to upset anyone, even if they do wrong to me. Thanks for reading.. I sure have learned a lot from reading all of your posts

Sueski

I know if I stay it will be to make him happy.

And what about you? You deserve happiness. Your kids deserve a safe home. Have you tried an Alanon or Naranon meeting? I can't imagine how hard your situation is, but please remember that you are important, too. You can't make him happy, and it's not your job to make him happy.

FindingErica

But Im wasting my time trying to make something work that hasn't worked for ten years. I just always think maybe he's serious this time.

He has 10 years of proving to not be serious. 10 years of things not working. That is his action. Now what is your response going to be?

crazybabie

Happiness comes from within that was a hard concept for me to understand and sometimes still is IMO he is using that a form of manipulation.

I have felt guilt because my AH was abused and had no one show him love as a child I thought I could make up for that and make him feel happy and loved. We have been together for 31 years he has an opiate addiction. I felt like you do I started posting here, attending meetings for me and read Codependent No More - By Melody Beattie.


There are a lot of stickies at the top of this forum take a look around and learn all you can you are not alone.

crazybabie

if you haven't done so I suggest you be tested for STDS and HIV, is this what you want your daughters to think is normal, children of addicts have a 50% chance of becoming an addict or marrying one.

Children have no voice it is your responsibility to protect your children CPS can and will remove children from this type home if they find out. I say this with love.

cr995

You feel guilty because you have not been happy for a long time have not had a calm loving family life for a long time and after a while we are so traumatized and bonded to our sick partner that chemical changes actually take place in our bodies to make us just try and 'get along', 'make the best of a bad situation'. This is hardwired into us from the caveman days but caveman days are OVER and we don't have to live like this anymore. Think of how much you love your kids then think of how important the mother of those kids are (ie YOU) and see yourself as an important person to them who deserves to have everything. If he wants to be a slave to his COD - let him but don't keep everybody living in hell with him. If I got our anyone can. Keep posting and stay in touch with your HP. *HUGS* Believe me it'll be easier to live with the guilt in the long run and kids deserve at least one sane parent which is less likely the longer you stay in that situation without detaching.

Maylie

Easiersaid, I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. Have you ever thought
of keeping a journal of all your feelings so you can go back and read how you have
been feeling and then start making small changes to get closer and closer to your ultimate goal, happiness.

You need to concentrate on yourself and your small children. If he is doing drugs while with your small children, then he might have drugs within their reach and one pill could kill a small child. Also, as stated above CPS could get involved, and that would be unimaginable.

I know you said you would let him stay because it would make him happy, instead, you need to do what would make you and your children happy. Your children need you to be their spokes person, they need you to be their rock. You are stronger than you think, and you deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, if in 10 years he hasn't changed, he isn't going to change now. Maybe try setting boundries with him and start making putting yourself and your children first a priority

I will be praying for you and your children,

Hugs

Maylie

Vale

Don't let 10 years turn into 30.

LoveMeNow

Codependents have an unhealthy amount of guilt. It's part of our "sickness."

Have you read Codependent No more yet? If not, I highly suggest it.

As you know, you can not "fix" him, however you can fix and save yourself and kids.

You did not cause it.
You can not control it.
You can not cure it.

Freedom1990

"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is a very good book too. I swear I thought the author wrote that for me.

I didn't have any children with my EXAH, but I already had a daughter from a prior marriage when I met him.

She is forever damaged. She's a 34-year-old active addict now (she was 3 when I first met him), also severely codependent. Her 17-year-old daughter, my granddaughter, is headed down the same path too.

That's 3 generations of insanity that I see face-to-face in my life.

What is best for you and your children? What do you want their futures to be?

Sending you hugs of support on the mild Kansas winds today.

crazybabie

Exactly, that is what I did I grew up around my family smoking pot and I thought that was "normal" although the opiates started 3 years ago I wish I had gotten my children out when they were young and away from the pot.

Vale

Some decisions are frivolous (what to wear today?).
Some are momentous (turning a launch key to sortie an ICBM and end a civilization).

Allowing addiction in,or failing to terminate it's effects----have a hell of a lot
more in common with the second action than the first.

easiersaid......these people are the real deal...they have walked the walk.
The wisdom they offer(tuition free!)----has been literally invaluable to me.

There is no way I can ever thank them----and I hope one day you feel the
same way.

Pain is a valuable part of the human experience if it leads to learning.
Otherwise---it is just pointless misery.

February13

Yes yes yes, leaving is the right thing.

I left my little girl's daddy four months ago. It's not easy. His doctor told me in the
spring to never leave our daughter alone with him, that he could have some paranoid
ideas...(and hurt her?). I don't think your children should ever be alone with their dad
either.

Even though I don't have much hope that my ex will go into recovery I have to say I
have seen him try harder since we left than he had in years.

Also, I am really glad I could move to a new neighbourhood. I think it made it easier for us.

easiersaid

I cannot thank you all enough for your responses. It is amazing the support that is found on this site. I'm very thankful to have stumbled upon it and will keep reading as much as I can. Thank you thank you! As hard as this decision is I know in my heart that it is right.

eveleivibe

Get out until he can sort himself out. You need to think of your children.
What if he left a need around n they stood in it or if he was high n they were in his care. Also there's the psychological consequences for them.
Also take care of you. Please keep posting n get as much for yourself as you can - it isn't easy being a single mam. Big hugs. Thinking of you xxxx

easiersaid

To make matters worse, I just got off the phone with his mom who just left visiting him at the jail. She says he was saying that he's ready to be home and make changes.. Get a job and be here for his family and all that. I told her thats what he says every time and she responded by saying well, you just gotta keep believing. So I guess I'll be considered a quitter for leaving. But then again, his family doesn't know the details that I know and about all of the cheating. I'm a mess now. I wish he wouldn't say all the things he knows we want to hear.

February13

I am not surprised his mom has this attitude. My own family was not very supportive
of me leaving. They thought I was crazy (mostly cause my ex is rich I guess). They
also had /have very little trust in me as far as my ability to support myself which was
kind of surprising to me in a way.

You have to do what is right for you and your children.

I don't know how his addiction is affecting you but I know I wasn't being as good a mom
as I can be when I was with my ex.

February13

someone else mentioned Alanon... The meetings and talking with other members help me a lot. I found a really awesome meeting in a women's centre, they even have babysitting.

easiersaid

I plan on attending some meetings. And I know I'm not as good a mom as I can be when he is around. I am far too concerned with what he is doing or how he is acting. I just hate it when he starts telling me all the good things he plans on doing. Like he'd be doing that if he hadn't just spent a month in jail.. Right.

eveleivibe

Aggggh ignore the bloody mam. You got to look after you n the kids. Maybe you not taking back will make think properly about quitting. If his mam is so bothered let her take him in. Why on earth are these mams always like this over their sons she ought to think of her grand children.
Youre not a quitter n you've nothing to feel guilty about but how would you feel if something happened to your kids?????
Hugs thinking of you xxxx