rcutch

My AH had been clean for almost 5 years and our family was just beginning to recover. He slowly made his way back to drugs via the infamous "pain clinic". They'll give anyone drugs. In the past year our lives have fallen to pieces. Today has been an all time low for me. My 17 year old daughter packed a bag, took her car and went to a friends house because she can't take it anymore. I feel so bad for her, and so jealous at the same time. I want to leave too. Financially I cannot afford to move, and regardless of the many ways I hide my money, my AH always seems to get his hands on it. He does what he wants, and returns home to make sure I continue to be miserable. I actually told him that I wish he would beat the crap out of me so that I could call the police and have him removed...how sick am I?

I have been in counseling for 3 months now, live on the SR pages, and know all there is to know about Al-Anon. It's just that every time he enters our home, the anger is so great I just can't control it. I went to dinner tonight with a group of parents from my daughter's high school band. My AH was angry because I told him I did not want him to come with me. I come home, and here he is high as a kite. I truly am losing my mind. No matter how hard I try to stay out of his crazy....here I am. Feeling incredibly hopeless, and could really use a whole lot of prayer tonight. I am sad that 18 years of marriage is going out the window, but I don't even know who I am anymore.

Vale

Sorry for what you are going throught,rcrutch.

I feel the same way about SR----the wisdom is all here,
WE just have to decide when to commit to an end to the
madness.

It does get better with time.Distance doesn't hurt,either.

crazybabie

I am sorry for what your going through is there any way you could bank money in a separate account? I have been married to my AH for almost 29 years and together for 31 years. I know how it feels and I do care.

No choices have to be made today. Keep reading and posting.

endlesspatience

Thanks for sharing. Clearly, this is a very difficult time for you. I hope you gain some inspiration from other people on the Forum who have experienced similar challenges and come through them.

lauren

I am sending a prayer for you right now..

You do have a memory of yourself and need to hold that foremost
as this is who you are..don't give over your power to your AH.

You have taken great steps to have knowledge and with knowledge
clarity starts to surface.

This is where the hopeless feelings come into play as it does require
change and change is where we have to come out of our comfort
zone.

Take the tiny steps to perhaps change banks..call a crisis line for resources
to help with information regarding the financial difficulties..you can remain
anonymous and with time it may come together to have a plan.

Marriage and children are about a contract of loyalty..when it is taken
away by addiction the rules change..

I really do feel for your sadness and hopeless feeling right now..my son
is the addict in my life and it is a difficult process to let them go..

lauren

Ann

It was when I lost myself, lost sight of who I was and what I wanted from life, that I knew I was in serious trouble".

Make a plan and include all your options, including going on welfare until you can get on your feet again. Relying on someone who is abusive by trying to control you financially is a sentence of doom.

In life, I have learned that "stuff" is just "stuff" and that you can begin all over again no matter how old you are. You may find that your needs are less than you ever imagined, and that you can have a roof over your head and food on your table even in your poorest days. I have had times of wealth and times of poverty, and in hindsight I see that my happiness was never relative to how much money I had or did not have.

There is nothing...no house, no bank account, no accumulation of "stuff" that is worth living like this. This man is scaring your children and sucking the life out of your home.

The choice, of course is yours, and we support you no matter what you choose. My point in writing all of this is to remind you that you DO have a choice and that life doesn't have to be this bad and sad.

Hugs

rcutch

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I know in my heart what I need to do, it's just finding the strength and courage to do it. I work full time from home, so I never escape this madness. Everywhere I go - there he is, high or sleeping. I do need distance - I just need to take the steps to do it. I keep hoping that we can work this out together - but in reality that is not an option. I just can't seem to detach, no matter how hard I try. Please tell me how you did it.

Anaya

I am so sorry for your pain and what you're going through.

Have you thought of finding employment outside the home? I worked from home for quite some time and when finally I had to move on to again working outside the home, I think (though it took time and was not easy to "let go" of that to which I had become accustomed) I had/have been pushed to readjust to life working outside the home, making new acquaintainces, learning new things, and actually paying more attention to my appearance, demeanor, and attitude, etc. Also, very important to me was that I finally came to realize that life would go on without me at home. It was actually even somewhat of a relief to be away from feeling I had to "manage" everything; as well, those at home have managed to do more on their own without me (that was a long time coming, lol). My kids are grown, with one adult child currently living at home with husband and me, and I don't have to worry about child care, etc.

Try to take it one day at a time. I am sending prayers for you and your family.

dollydo

If you do not have a plan....you plan to fail. You can open an account in your name only and your husband cannot get to it...unless...you give him the pin # and card. Sometimes, we do this to ourselves, due to fear, fear of being alone,fear of taking care of ourselves and our children...all on our own...women are notorious for this mindset.

Your daughter has made a good decision, she is old enough to do so, what about your other children...who is making good/responsible decisions for them? Children should never be exposed to addiction, they hear and see everything and will carry their childhood into adulthood.

cr995

First of all BIG HUGS, you feel like you are going crazy because you are, and so would anybody who had to put up with what you have had to put up with. Have you read - Co-dependent No more by Melodie Beattie ? It saved my sanity. When you feel so exhausted and drained you feel that you have not got the strength to change you or your situation. Get the book and read it. Once your mind is calmer it's amazing how you are then able to see solutions where you couldn't see them before. You know what you need to do and its actually easier that what you've been through, you just have to let go and when you do that is scary as hell but eventually you realize all you have to do to get through each day is simply - breath. I know how you feel I loved my AH more than anything but the situation was not really living at all - merely existing in pain, even though its still early days for me and I'm still in pain at least I know one day things will get better unlike before where I just continued to hope but nothing was ever going to change. I would not take him back now and that is a new one for me. I never believed I could live without him , now I realize I was sick, still am - there is hope for you, keep posting and remember your higher power is always there for you.You are not alone.

LoveMeNow

My Pastor gave a great message a few weeks ago that really hit home for me.

He said "How big is your God is measured by your fear." If we truly have a strong faith in God and believe His word, we would have no fear.

I think for many people - we are much like the addict. When the pain of staying (using) outweighs the fear of leaving (stopping), we just do it.

My prayers are with you and your family!

supportforme

My exAH struggled with his pill addiction for 5 years; I lost the man I was married to for 15 years and I began to loose myself. When I faced the reality of his addiction destroying me and endangering my children's safety - that was my turning point. I realized that there was nothing I can do to save him - but, I could do everything to save myself and my kids. The fear of staying with him surpassed the fear of leaving him. I pray that you find the strength you need for you and your children.

eveleivibe

If you don't want to be with him dump him n move on