Saying no is hard...
 

My brother is in jail again & has been there for a month. He Is a crystal meth addict. He called me for the first time today & of course asked me for money. I said no. I didn't raise my voice or try to explain myself. Then I told him I loved him & goodbye. I think he was shocked because he was speechless. I was very hard to say no. In the past I have said no but then I would begin to make excuses why I couldn't. Not this time, I am so tired of his ways. In the past year I only heard from him twice & each time it was when I called him. Addiction is such a one way street.

Here is the thing, why did he try to act like he is ok and that everything is going fine. I figured he would sound depressed and lost. How can he be ok or is he just pretending to be ok. I just don't get him.

I now know, after 12 years of his addiction, I don't have to keep trying to help him. I just hope that if he is ready he will let me know.

Good for you for saying no and not fluffing it with excuses! It is hard to say no to those we love and care about. You will know if he decides to go to rehab or you'll hear from him when he gets out (even better!). Take care. Good job!

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Just like GardenMama said, you'll know when he decides to help himself. You did the right thing. Nice work!

When my sister first started calling from jail she initially tried to sound normal, like nothing was wrong. I think she was overcompensating in an attempt to not sound like withdrawals were about to start, because she thought that if I knew she was really sweatin' it I would say no. I said no anyway and the calls got more desperate, so keep up your resolve!

Thank you for telling me I did the right thing. I am sort of am sick to my stomach. I guess I worry he will think I don't care about him.

As far as trying to act normal, I would prefer he sounded weak. It would be reassuring for him to say "man my life is so messed up & I have a serious problem," rather than playing it cool. Maybe he is just overcompensating.

Thanks for the support! It helps more than you can know.

Your brother knows you love him.

I never knew how hard it would be to say no either. My brother got picked up for a felony warrant about 4 weeks ago and I am his main family contact (and the only one with any money), so I am the one that gets the calls.

At first I just avoided talking about his bond (avoiding the dreaded 'no' basically). Bond was pretty high and my brother knew that, but then he kept going on and on about getting a lawyer, getting his bond lowered so he could get out, telling me all these bail bondsmen that do lower amounts, etc.

As the days went on, he tried to guilt trip me more and more about various issues in jail. I stopped answering the phone a lot, but that didn't stop the calls.

I finally told him I wasn't bailing him out, but it was like he was just ignoring me, he would just keep talking. He went on and on about he was done with heroin, this was the worst thing ever being in jail, he would do nothing ever to mess this up and end up in prison, he was clean forever now, would never use again, blah blah blah. He doesn't want more help to stay off heroin, any suggestions of talking to a therapist or anyone is met with excuses or anger. He whines about feeling so alone, but he hasn't called a single person other then me.

Last week he was going on and on about his case and how he needs to be out to 'work' the case and pay for a lawyer, and I caught him in another manipulation/lie. I just got angry and said it loud, I AM NOT BAILING YOU OUT OR GETTING YOU A LAWYER. He was livid but had to get off the phone, so we left it at that.

We talked again once since then, and he just said he didn't want to talk about 'that', it was too depressing, so we just chit chatted.

I haven't heard from him since, so either he has given up, or he is just trying to figure out his next angle to try and convince me a different way. If he keeps it up I will just go no contact. As much as I care about him, it will do NO good for either of us if I bail him out, so it is what it is. His decisions got him there, not mine.

Talking to folks on this forum and at my first nar anom meeting last week has helped me tamp down my emotions about this decision, helped me feel confident that I am doing what I need to do for ME and him at the same time. I am still battling some guilt feelings, but I am getting better at moving past it quickly.

"No" is a complete sentence. "No because..." opens the door to negotiation and manipulation. Don't go there.

You are not responsible for how anyone feels. You know you care and that's good enough.

:scoregood...Excellent!

Re: Meadowsis
OMG, your brother sounds just like mine! Right now they only care about themselves and want us to feel sorry for them. You did the right thing; we don't want to make this easy on them. The harder they fall, the better chance they have at seeing what a mess they are in. I haven't heard from my brother since his phone call. You know it is funny, I have had so much happen in my life this past year but that is of no concern to my brother. When he called, he briefly asked me how everything was going and of course I just said fine. What is the point in elaborating. Then he literally said, "I have the inevitable question to ask...will you send me some money?". He'll no....that is my answer from now on!

You absolutely did the right thing.
He was probably quiet because he heard something in your one word answer that he is not used to.

Resolve.
Believe me, addicts are used to seeing wiggle room, and carving out a nice spot for themselves in your weakness.
No doesn't leave any grey area.
And in the end, if he feels alone, and helpless, you might be helping him to see how far he's fallen, and have to deal with the consequences of his own actions, which unfortunately is the best thing to starting toward recovery.
Propping him up will just prolong the sickness, the using, the excuses.

Good job!

Good job on sticking to your guns!! If you ever feel yourself worrying too much, just come back here, these folks have a way of snapping me back in line so far :)

Yea, I think he has only asked once if our grandma is okay who went into the hospital the same week he went into jail. It was nothing more then a very small passing question at the end of a conversation. Still VERY self centered and proves what others have said, he is a 'clean' addict not in recovery.

He called again with new guilt trip tactics this weekend, so I have resolved to go no contact for awhile.

Its funny, his lies and stories have actually made ME feel better about my decision to say no. He tried to guilt trip me by saying we never offered him rehab (we cant afford private but I have given him info on state stuff before). When I asked, he SAID he tried to get into the jail treatment program, but there is a "wait list due to overcrowding".

I know jail itself is NOT recovery, so that has been something on my mind in regards to not bailing him out. If he is ready for help, I hope he has something available to him while he is in jail.

To ease my mind I made a few phone calls and I confirmed there are QUITE a few options for him in jail as an addict, AND, the big inpatient program at the jail has NO wait list. You just have to ask, you get interviewed to see if you are ready to do the work, and they move you to that unit. He is in one of the better jails in the country for various programs (they even have one that includes meditation and yoga!).

That was the final nail for me. He isn't ready for help, he is still 100% lying, and I am moving forward and I feel very confident in my decision to say NO. If he figures a way out, I still wash my hands of him. He is not ready to work on his addiction and I will not prolong his fall.

Hi: Just a quick observation from the othe "P.O.V.", as it were. I am a recovering alcoholic, just over 6 months now. One thing I can say with some certainty is that I would not have any sober time at all if my B.S. had continued to work, especially those shovelfuls I directed at myself. In my opinion, you not only did and are doing the right thing, you are likely giving him his only chance to recover. Good luck, and keep up the good work---Rick

Yes, you did the right thing. Should the day come when he wants help with rehab--then and only then consider helping. All other avenues (money) will go towards his meth addiction.

Consider going to a Nar-Anon meeting. You will find support for yourself as there is more in your future concerning your brother. They will help you prepare for whatever comes your way.