LoveMeNow

If your loved one started working on their recovery - would you take them back or stay with them?? All while knowing relapse is a better then average possibility?

jerect

My AH started working on his recovery and i took him back.. Two years later, he hasn't been to a meeting in god knows how long and he's back to using again.. Looking back, I wish i would have let him go, worked on my own recovery and given him the opportunity to prove to me that he was serious about staying sober...

allthatsgood

LMN- I have a RAS with just about 7 months sober time under his belt. I can see by his actions that he has embraced recovery and is working it hard. But, even with that I am still nervous when he comes to visits and stays a night. All the old fears and memories come rushing back in my mind. I think the best place for him is where he is now - in a SLE. And for me too. I don't know how I would feel if it was a spouse or partner.

suki44883

I think it would depend on how long we had been married and exactly what I had to deal with during that time. I do know that before I would even consider it, they would have to prove their dedication to recovery for at least a year, maybe more. I don't think there is a yes or no answer to that question.

LoveMeNow

I don't really understand the whole year thing. IMO, it's a false sense of security. Many addicts and/or alcoholics relapse after years of being clean and sober.

What am I not understanding about a year sobriety?

suki44883

Well, I guess it's just a milestone of some kind. Yes, it's true that an addict can relapse after 10, 15, 20 years of sobriety, but if you (not you specifically, just the general "you") want to see if someone is serious about recovery, a year would give you an idea that they were. Just because they are able to do that doesn't mean you have to give them a second chance. That year also gives you time to clear your head, get out of the direct chaos, and see if you really want to even consider trying again.

I guess I'm saying that the year isn't just for them, it's for you, too.

LoveMeNow

Thank you Suki. I just read that a lot and I was wondering why a year was so significant.

incitingsilence

I am curious as to how you feel?
And why you asked?
And if in this somewhere you are enjoying driving yourself crazy? Does the madness get you through from day to day? And yes you do seem like you are driving yourself crazy...I don't know it is procrastination or a distraction so that you don't have to focus on yourself?

I stayed, what does that mean I stayed…only made possible because I worked on me. It didn’t much have to do with him because the choice no matter what it is depends on the heath of those making it and the healthier one gets, the healthier their choices become.

No healthy person that I know lives waiting for the other shoe to drop. They enjoy the day, each one and cherish the time they have with those they love because in the end none of us no matter how healthy or sick we choose to live our lives is guaranteed a tomorrow.

LoveMeNow

I never said I was healthy yet. In fact, this week I am nuts!! I have a long way to go to be healthy but I am working on myself, my issues and my fears.

Part of me wants to stay but is afraid too and the other part of me wants to get as far away from addiction as possible.

Yep, I am afraid of a relapse. Not on a daily basis, not even on a weekly basis anymore...but for MY future. I never want to go through this again and it seems the words He/She Relapsed are posted over and over again.

oh and i just want to read others ESH.

incitingsilence

You have got to move away from the thinking that you need to make a choice today.
And while I know it is hard to explain this but all this stay or leave or run stuff is crap. You will not be able to make any decisions until you find you in all the madness. So anything about him is just a distraction to not work on you.

I spent over a year playing this head game, driving myself absolutely crazy and maybe true to form for the codie part of it all caring what others thought I should or shouldn't do and got to the point which was to find what I wanted to do, needed to do by learning who I was... cause for many we really lose who we are in all the madness...

And it will not work any other way. You need to find who you are to be able to know so deeply what you need and want in this life.

Make sense?

Why stay ...
Why leave ...

And in looking at that one will always have to live with the fact that the addicts in their lives will relapse....that is FEAR and nothing more.

Oh and relapse....in order to relapse you have to have some recovery. Many stories I read about relapse here, well there wasn't any recovery to even have one ... oh one might not have been using for a bit, but just not using and not using and working on your recovery are two totally different things.

allforcnm

I made the decision to support my husband’s recovery from the moment he asked for help; welcomed him home when he got out of rehab. The reason I did it was simple in my mind and based on three factors: faith, hope, love.

I think the question your asking is really personal and based on a lot of factors that are unique to each of us. What your relationship was like before drugs, what happened during the time he was using & how much damage was done to both of you, your emotional state of being, your level of independence both emotionally and financially, your ability to cope with uncertainty in the future. Not to scare you; but there are so many uncertainties in life. Ask yourself what you would do if your husband fell ill and could no longer work, what if he was in an accident and became paralyzed, what if he was diagnosed with cancer, or an inoperable embolism that could rupture at any time….

There are people LIVING with uncertainty all around us; its not unique to drug or alcohol use. I think we just have to look within, and learn to enjoy what we have, experience every moment, and take steps to ensure our future regardless of what might happen down the road.

I think the first question you need to ask yourself is not even if you love this person, but do you like him? Do you enjoy being with him, do you want him in your life, because don’t forget he is more than just his addiction; at one time your relationship was based on much more right? Where did it all go?

crazybabie

In my case after 31 years together yes if he worked a program for a year and proved to me he really wanted it and stayed clean even though I know relapse can come at anytime.

I would keep working my programs for me and use what I learn to keep me healthy in spite of what may or may not happen later.

Lara

I would take them back.

story74

Hmmm, well at the time everything exploded in my life and I found out he was an addict and cheating on me, I would of done anything to save my marriage. I begged him back, and he ignored me. This was probably for the best. I think if my son had to grow up in an unstable envioronment it would not be good at all. This being said, I don't know how many relapses it would take before I said goodbye. Its painful painful painful. So, initailly I would stay, but everyone has a breaking point. Trust is huge. I

But, I have only been quickly discarded and abandoned. I have never been given even a chance to try. Which is worse? I think I would've rather tried...