Chino

I had shoulder surgery two weeks ago, for an injury sustained in the first week of August. At first it was supposed to be just my rotator cuff but they found more stuff than what showed up on the mri. The freakiest thing, to me, was seeing the before and after pics of all the inflamed tissue that had to be burned off (cauterized).

I have an open window right now, where typing is not impossible. I thought I'd say hi and share something. It's a long read but it was profound to me' and I feel the need to type it out while I can.

I can't begin to describe the pain I've been in, or the sheer frustration (it's my dominant arm). Then there's the isolation (I live in the sticks), and I still have 4 more weeks until I can drive. I hate this brace and I'm gonna burn it, I swear.

I was on a low dose percocet for a month before surgery. I never abused it and was only taking as needed. I didn't dose at all some days. Then, after surgery, the dosage and strength went way up. My surgeon ordered a nerve block for the surgery, so I was pain free through the worst of it. He called that night around 8 and told me to start taking the drugs and don't stop. The pain broke through anyway, once the block wore off, and they added a muscle relaxer to my chemical cocktail.

I'm on my 2nd round of meds post op, and I'm back to dosing as needed. I've been on opiates for 6 weeks now. I'm allowed one more refill but my nurse (Deb is a gem!) said they drop that next (and last) one to the lowest dose lortab. I shared with her my concerns and said, "I know there's a fine line before going to a very bad place. Don't let me go there." She promised me she wouldn't. She said everyone needs a 2nd round and it's an even split on a 3rd.

She also made some suggestions when I asked. She waited for the questions, and said she was here for me, just let her know. I had to smile! It was my RAD's rehab who gave us enablers the advice "Wait for the question." I'm pretty sure I'm in good hands with her.

She suggested I take a b complex because it helps the nerves heal, and would probably help me with energy. I've also been depressed for 2 months, so I figured I should get back on wellbutrin. I took it to stop smoking 6 months ago, and I'm still nicotine free yeah!!

Besides the chronic pain, my family of origin is fractured again. It's a nasty cycle and there are undiagnosed and untreated mentally ill in my family. After 48 years of bizarro world and my recovery from it, I've let go of hope they'll change. I love and accept them as is, and keep a very healthy distance. I've mourned the death of a dream these last two months.

My RAD said anyone but me would have become an addict by now, but she said she knows I'm stronger and smarter than that. She said she needs me to be stronger and smarter than that. I remembered what she said a couple nights later, when I went to the pharmacy to pick up muscle relaxers.

My husband opened the door for me and unbuckled me, then I started my crawl out of the truck. I bumped my shoulder on the door frame, cried out in pain, then started bawling like a baby. I had just told my husband that I hadn't taken a painkiller at all that day, and was feeling pretty good about my magical recovery powers.

I screamed inside my head "OMG I need a painkiller" but the pain was already subsiding. I didn't want one for the physical pain, it was the emotional pain. I wanted to be numb!!! For the first time in these 6 weeks, I felt so damn sorry for myself, for everything.

That's when it hit me like a sledgehammer. I cried out loud to myself more than my husband, "and that's how it starts!" I cried in that parking lot for another 5 minutes before getting it together. I figured I better squeeze every bit of self pity out of me.

I didn't take anything before I went to bed that night, I didn't need it. I kept thinking about my RAD. She reminded me who I am just when I was starting to forget. I feel like I dodged a bullet the other night.

Lara

Powerful words...

It is so true - it could be anyone of us -

'there by the Grace of God go I'.....

hello-kitty

Hi Chino, I can appreciate your story. I had rotator cuff repair and some other crazy stuff done to my shoulder about two and a years half ago. I was worried I was going to get addicted to pain killers because I still hurt bad 1 month post surgery and was still taking painkillers. I refilled my prescription a couple times over the next few months - each time with a lower dose or a less powerful painkiller. Eventually, I just didn't call the doc for a refill and started managing my pain with exercise and stretching. I'm much better now several years later, and can manage the aches and pains I still get with stretching, strengthening and tylenol. WAY improved over how things were before the surgery, but I'll never be 100%. (But I'm closer :-))


It will all be ok. Make wise choices but don't suffer needlessly. Shoulder surgery is debilitating and it takes a while for your tissues to heal. But you will get better and you'll LOVE having your arm back. For me, it just took longer than I expected.

We are not super women. We need to cut ourselves some slack.

Impurrfect

((Chino)) - I'm so glad to see you, but sorry about all the pain. It sounds as if you have your head on straight, a wonderful nurse and an even-more-wonderful RAD who loves her mama.

You're right, though...that often IS how it usually starts. So glad you didn't give in

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

tjp613

Thanks so much for sharing, Chino. So.......maybe all that recovery work helped to save YOU from addiction!!! Good job on self-monitoring. I know it's probably a lot easier just to pop a pill but you're doing it right.

I pray that you are feeling a little better every day! (((Hugs)))

MsPINKAcres

((Chino))

you have been so heavy on my heart - I knew you were having surgery and it was going to be a doozie ~

I have kept you in my thoughts & prayers - asking my HP to ask your HP for comfort for you ~

Thank you so very much for sharing this story - it so scary just how fast it seems the line could be crossed ~

please continue to allow yourself the mental, physical & emotional care you need - you seem to be doing so awesome at it!

good thoughts that you are feeling better soon!!

pink hugs always!!
Rita

Ann

Chino, that is indeed an awesome post and share and you don't even know it but you are right on schedule for when I need to hear something like that.

A friend of mine also just went through some painful surgery. She is well aware of the risk of addiction (she`s one of us, just not a member here) and is more terrified of addiction than she is of the pain. I will print out what you posted and give it to her.

I will keep you in my prayers, that the pain subsides soon and that the healing begins.

Again, thank you for being right on time with this.

Hugs

crazybabie

Chino, I am sending healing prayers your way... Thanks for sharing sure is a reminder of how easy it can happen.

Ilovemysonjj

Dearest Chino, I am sending my prayers for a safe and healthy healing. I understand that you are low right now, I send my prayers for Angels to come into your life (usually in earthly presence) to reinforce your faith and your resolve to heal soon.
Loves and Hugs,
Teresa

cece1960

(((Chino)))