First post - Boyfriend in Hospital after OD
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First post - Boyfriend in Hospital after OD
This is my first post. My boyfriend and I are engaged, we have known each other almost 2 years.
We are both in our mid twenties, we both graduated college, we both work, and we bought our home about 5 months ago together knowing we are going to be married next year.
My boyfriend did not use drugs when I met him, but he told me that in the past he had experimented with drugs including heroin, and cocaine. He said he didnt like heroin, and I remember that clearly and thought Thank God. He said the only drug he ever really liked, and ever craved was cocaine. He snorted it when he was in college, but called it just for fun. Said he started to want it, and realized he needed to quit. He quit after he graduated and so I figured that was ok because we all do some crazy stuff in college. I let it all go and never thought about it again. My boyfriend does drink, but I have only see him drunk a couple of times and that was at friends parties where a whole bunch of his friends got drunk too. I think he handles his liquor ok and it's never bothered me.
Sorry this is so long, but I want to give enough background so you have some idea of what he is like.
Last week, we were at home and having a night watching movies and eating snacks. I went into the kitchen to get more, and he went into the bathroom. No big deal. About 10 minutes he came into the kitchen and looked a little pale. He seemed off, and I asked if he was ok, then he started to get some water but collapsed on the floor and went into a seizure. It all happened really fast, but I called 911 and he got to the hospital and was in cardiac arrest. I was basically paralyzed with fear not knowing what happened, thinking it was a heart attack or something.
Well drug tests showed it was cocaine, and traces of some other stuff they said was probably mixed in. He had overdosed. They revived him, and he is going to be ok. He had some complications and so he is still in the hospital, but will be released either tomorrow or Friday.
I'm scared, confused. Feel betrayed in some ways, but grateful he is alive. I want to hit him, and hug him. My emotions are all over the place. His parents don't live close but they have been staying with me since I called them. They are also really upset and none of us know what to do to best help him.
There has been a doctor at the hospital that talked to us, and him. Boyfriend says he does not have a problem with drugs. He is not addicted. He only uses once in a while and started only a few weeks ago when a friend came to visit from out of town and gave him some. That was true, a friend came by one weekend he hadn't seen in over a year. So?
He says anyone can overdose and it doesn't mean you have a problem. I mean yeah that is true, but he is so defensive even after he almost died. He is saying he is done, learned his lesson, was stupid. But we don't know if we can believe him.
We have all the information on rehabs and he says no. Outpatient he says no. Support groups he says no. Psychologist he says no. No to any help because he doesn't need any.
His parents have to go home, so I'm going to be all alone soon. They just shake their heads and tell me they don't know what I should do. They hope I will stand by him and help him through this. That I can maybe talk him into help later if he has any further problems. But I didn't know he was using for a month, so how will I know? Wait until he collapses again? I'm really scared, and don't know how to trust him, how can I act normal, think normally again?
The doctor told us that once he gets home then he will probably get overwhelmed with what happened and that he almost died, and it would be best if he talked to a doctor. He also said that none of us can make him get help unless he wants it. He made an analogy that you can't make an overweight person lose weight, change their eating habits, exercise. It takes desire and effort from the person with the problem. He said sometimes even after a heart attack people won't change; but be said often they will be motivated once the reality sinks in, and so what we can do to support him is be there, be willing to listen, don't judge and criticize because all that will do is make him feel worse about himself, and isolate. He said to be patient. I can do that, and I want to do that because I love him, we have a good life, a good relationship, he is kind, thoughtful, loving, good to everyone. We never fight, I mean I could not dream up a better relationship than we have had until that night he overdosed. And now he kept his using from me, hid it for a month, would have continued to hide it. That is what hurts the most. He didn't trust me enough to tell me. The doctor also said that was normal behavior, and it was more about knowing what he was doing was wrong, and not wanting anyone to know so there would be no conflict, bad feelings. But it is oh so frustrating.
Does anyone understand how I feel? How do I handle my emotions and deal with my fears? How do I trust him again? How do we go back to normal?
We are both in our mid twenties, we both graduated college, we both work, and we bought our home about 5 months ago together knowing we are going to be married next year.
My boyfriend did not use drugs when I met him, but he told me that in the past he had experimented with drugs including heroin, and cocaine. He said he didnt like heroin, and I remember that clearly and thought Thank God. He said the only drug he ever really liked, and ever craved was cocaine. He snorted it when he was in college, but called it just for fun. Said he started to want it, and realized he needed to quit. He quit after he graduated and so I figured that was ok because we all do some crazy stuff in college. I let it all go and never thought about it again. My boyfriend does drink, but I have only see him drunk a couple of times and that was at friends parties where a whole bunch of his friends got drunk too. I think he handles his liquor ok and it's never bothered me.
Sorry this is so long, but I want to give enough background so you have some idea of what he is like.
Last week, we were at home and having a night watching movies and eating snacks. I went into the kitchen to get more, and he went into the bathroom. No big deal. About 10 minutes he came into the kitchen and looked a little pale. He seemed off, and I asked if he was ok, then he started to get some water but collapsed on the floor and went into a seizure. It all happened really fast, but I called 911 and he got to the hospital and was in cardiac arrest. I was basically paralyzed with fear not knowing what happened, thinking it was a heart attack or something.
Well drug tests showed it was cocaine, and traces of some other stuff they said was probably mixed in. He had overdosed. They revived him, and he is going to be ok. He had some complications and so he is still in the hospital, but will be released either tomorrow or Friday.
I'm scared, confused. Feel betrayed in some ways, but grateful he is alive. I want to hit him, and hug him. My emotions are all over the place. His parents don't live close but they have been staying with me since I called them. They are also really upset and none of us know what to do to best help him.
There has been a doctor at the hospital that talked to us, and him. Boyfriend says he does not have a problem with drugs. He is not addicted. He only uses once in a while and started only a few weeks ago when a friend came to visit from out of town and gave him some. That was true, a friend came by one weekend he hadn't seen in over a year. So?
He says anyone can overdose and it doesn't mean you have a problem. I mean yeah that is true, but he is so defensive even after he almost died. He is saying he is done, learned his lesson, was stupid. But we don't know if we can believe him.
We have all the information on rehabs and he says no. Outpatient he says no. Support groups he says no. Psychologist he says no. No to any help because he doesn't need any.
His parents have to go home, so I'm going to be all alone soon. They just shake their heads and tell me they don't know what I should do. They hope I will stand by him and help him through this. That I can maybe talk him into help later if he has any further problems. But I didn't know he was using for a month, so how will I know? Wait until he collapses again? I'm really scared, and don't know how to trust him, how can I act normal, think normally again?
The doctor told us that once he gets home then he will probably get overwhelmed with what happened and that he almost died, and it would be best if he talked to a doctor. He also said that none of us can make him get help unless he wants it. He made an analogy that you can't make an overweight person lose weight, change their eating habits, exercise. It takes desire and effort from the person with the problem. He said sometimes even after a heart attack people won't change; but be said often they will be motivated once the reality sinks in, and so what we can do to support him is be there, be willing to listen, don't judge and criticize because all that will do is make him feel worse about himself, and isolate. He said to be patient. I can do that, and I want to do that because I love him, we have a good life, a good relationship, he is kind, thoughtful, loving, good to everyone. We never fight, I mean I could not dream up a better relationship than we have had until that night he overdosed. And now he kept his using from me, hid it for a month, would have continued to hide it. That is what hurts the most. He didn't trust me enough to tell me. The doctor also said that was normal behavior, and it was more about knowing what he was doing was wrong, and not wanting anyone to know so there would be no conflict, bad feelings. But it is oh so frustrating.
Does anyone understand how I feel? How do I handle my emotions and deal with my fears? How do I trust him again? How do we go back to normal?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I'm sorry that you're going through this, everyone here knows how hard it is to love a drug addict. Unfortunately, it sounds like your boyfriend is, in fact, a drug addict. Anything is possible, of course, but I wouldn't expect "once in a while college party experimenters" to be snorting coke alone in their bathrooms at home. Also unfortunately, it sounds like he's not ready to admit that to himself, let alone you or his family, and that does not bode well for his recovery at this time.
As to your question at the end, I'm sorry to report that things will never be "normal" again. There's no way to erase the reality - which is that his life will need to be different than it has been in order for him to recover. He will be an addict for the rest of his life. This doesn't mean that you can't ever have a place in that life with him, or that he can't have a healthy and satisfying life in recovery, but just that nothing will ever be the same again. This must be such a shock for you, and it's terribly painful.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish your boyfriend's parents wouldn't put the onus on you to support him into recovery, because the truth is that there isn't anything you can do to make him better, he has to want that for himself. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. All you can do is focus on making sure you are maintaining a satisfying and healthy life for yourself, it's very easy to lose yourself in the madness and desperation of addiction.
You might consider attending an Al/Naranon meeting for additional support from people in your same situation face-to-face, and read around the Sober Recovery board. There is a ton of great support here, and lots of experience, strength, and hope (ES&H). Whatever you do, keep posting, you are not alone.
As to your question at the end, I'm sorry to report that things will never be "normal" again. There's no way to erase the reality - which is that his life will need to be different than it has been in order for him to recover. He will be an addict for the rest of his life. This doesn't mean that you can't ever have a place in that life with him, or that he can't have a healthy and satisfying life in recovery, but just that nothing will ever be the same again. This must be such a shock for you, and it's terribly painful.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish your boyfriend's parents wouldn't put the onus on you to support him into recovery, because the truth is that there isn't anything you can do to make him better, he has to want that for himself. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. All you can do is focus on making sure you are maintaining a satisfying and healthy life for yourself, it's very easy to lose yourself in the madness and desperation of addiction.
You might consider attending an Al/Naranon meeting for additional support from people in your same situation face-to-face, and read around the Sober Recovery board. There is a ton of great support here, and lots of experience, strength, and hope (ES&H). Whatever you do, keep posting, you are not alone.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Thanks Interrupted, I appreciate your honest view of the situation. I have never used drugs, or had anyone in my life that ever had a problem like that so its hard for me to know what a person addicted acts like. Ive been spending a lot of time examining the past, and trying to look for signs the past month and beyond that show something was up. His behavior hasn’t changed, no money is missing from our joint account or anything like that. Ive been reading some on here and found a bunch of similarities that seem to exist between people that are addicted and right now they don’t seem to apply, but I don’t know maybe Im just missing the signs, in some sort of denial ?
I went to see him today, and he is going to be released tomorrow morning. He is upset because he is there on Halloween and thinks its creepy that the nurses and staff are dressed up in costumes. He was ready to go days ago and is suffering big time boredom being there, tired of them doing test on him, and all that. I think he is also scared but trying not to admit it. He says he just wants to come home and sleep in his own bed. He is upset about being off work, and a couple people came to visit him while he has been there. He has not told them the truth about he OD of course. I mean he cant really because of his job so Im not complaining about that, but I know it made him uncomfortable. He told partial truth that his heart was in a funky rhythm and he had to go through a bunch of test. He says Im acting a little weird, and he wants me to stop it because everything is going to be ok. But I told him I cant help but be scared, who wouldn’t be ? I think he is in denial over how horrible all this has been .
If his parents were not here I would totally break down and cry my eyes out. I have been crying but its only after I am alone in our bedroom late at night. I told my parents what happened, but maybe I sugar coated it because I said that he took some drugs a friend gave him, and he didn’t know what he was doing and blah blah. I feel guilty about that, but maybe later I will have a better grasp and can be more honest. I was just overwhelmed at the time I talked to them, and they don’t live close, so I didn’t want them to make a trip here to be with me.
I went to see him today, and he is going to be released tomorrow morning. He is upset because he is there on Halloween and thinks its creepy that the nurses and staff are dressed up in costumes. He was ready to go days ago and is suffering big time boredom being there, tired of them doing test on him, and all that. I think he is also scared but trying not to admit it. He says he just wants to come home and sleep in his own bed. He is upset about being off work, and a couple people came to visit him while he has been there. He has not told them the truth about he OD of course. I mean he cant really because of his job so Im not complaining about that, but I know it made him uncomfortable. He told partial truth that his heart was in a funky rhythm and he had to go through a bunch of test. He says Im acting a little weird, and he wants me to stop it because everything is going to be ok. But I told him I cant help but be scared, who wouldn’t be ? I think he is in denial over how horrible all this has been .
If his parents were not here I would totally break down and cry my eyes out. I have been crying but its only after I am alone in our bedroom late at night. I told my parents what happened, but maybe I sugar coated it because I said that he took some drugs a friend gave him, and he didn’t know what he was doing and blah blah. I feel guilty about that, but maybe later I will have a better grasp and can be more honest. I was just overwhelmed at the time I talked to them, and they don’t live close, so I didn’t want them to make a trip here to be with me.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
It's impossible to know what might happen, or what he's thinking or feeling. One thing we say in Al/naranon is "more will be revealed" - which essentially means that in time we will come to know more about the situation. In time more is always revealed.
It's hard not to constantly second guess things that have happened, possible signs that were missed, but trust me: you are not the only one blind-sided by this, lots of people on this forum had no idea drug use was happening right under their nose for years, sometimes. Also, there was nothing you (or they) could have seen or done to change the outcome. This is not your fault at all.
Try to relax in this time of stress and start to think about how you will protect yourself and your health no matter what the outcome of his situation is. You have to remember to take care of yourself, your needs and feelings are just as valid as his are - hospital or no. Try to take it easy on yourself. Do you have a close friend or family member that you can confide in, or maybe spend the night with? That's a pretty big secret to carry around, it can give you a really heavy heart. We're all here.
It's hard not to constantly second guess things that have happened, possible signs that were missed, but trust me: you are not the only one blind-sided by this, lots of people on this forum had no idea drug use was happening right under their nose for years, sometimes. Also, there was nothing you (or they) could have seen or done to change the outcome. This is not your fault at all.
Try to relax in this time of stress and start to think about how you will protect yourself and your health no matter what the outcome of his situation is. You have to remember to take care of yourself, your needs and feelings are just as valid as his are - hospital or no. Try to take it easy on yourself. Do you have a close friend or family member that you can confide in, or maybe spend the night with? That's a pretty big secret to carry around, it can give you a really heavy heart. We're all here.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by unbeknownst 
Boyfriend says he does not have a problem with drugs.
Huge red flag.
He says anyone can overdose and it doesn't mean you have a problem.
^ More BS.
I cannot overdose because I do not put illegal substances into my body. How about you?
The onus is on him to rebuild trust.
There is nothing you can say or do that will keep him sober or cause him to relaspe. You are not that powerful. None of us are. If love could cure addiction, there would be no addicts.
Take your time to figure out your own boundaries.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Is this the man you really want to marry? You are already compromising your own values for him and now lying to your parents to protect him.
Trust me, it gets much worse. I was stupid and naive. I thought I could fix him, control it and my love was enough. I lost everything, most importantly I lost myself in his problem. It's not easy to come back from all of it. It takes a lot of work to fix yourself and its impossible to fix him.
Trust me, it gets much worse. I was stupid and naive. I thought I could fix him, control it and my love was enough. I lost everything, most importantly I lost myself in his problem. It's not easy to come back from all of it. It takes a lot of work to fix yourself and its impossible to fix him.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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I am sorry for what your going through welcome to SR.
We share our ESH here I am going to share some experiences I have gone through I am not telling you this to scare you it is just hard core reality.
I can't say if the overdose will make him see the light but frrom what he told you my guess is no.
My daughter was engaged to a really nice guy he never tried drugs until his 19th birthday a few weeks after his birthday he had an OD was in ICU for 3 weeks he was very lucky to have lived and had no complications that stayed with him. I can't remember when the second over dose happened but it did then 3 days after his 21st birthday he had his third OD... he was no so lucky this time he passed away at the age of 21 from drugs.
He also said he didn't have a problem there were many young people at his funeral including my son the funeral was mainly aimed at these people about you see what drugs will do and all that my son was a local Sheriffs police cadet well a month after my daughters fiancees OD my son overdosed.
So please don't think that just because he overdosed that he is done. I hope heis but it just doesn't sound like it.
There is absolutely nothing you can do for him he has to want to be clean however you can take care of you and trust me if he isn't done and even if he is he will always be at risk of doing drugs again you will need the tools for you. You got some great suggestions above please consider them.
best of luck...
We share our ESH here I am going to share some experiences I have gone through I am not telling you this to scare you it is just hard core reality.
I can't say if the overdose will make him see the light but frrom what he told you my guess is no.
My daughter was engaged to a really nice guy he never tried drugs until his 19th birthday a few weeks after his birthday he had an OD was in ICU for 3 weeks he was very lucky to have lived and had no complications that stayed with him. I can't remember when the second over dose happened but it did then 3 days after his 21st birthday he had his third OD... he was no so lucky this time he passed away at the age of 21 from drugs.
He also said he didn't have a problem there were many young people at his funeral including my son the funeral was mainly aimed at these people about you see what drugs will do and all that my son was a local Sheriffs police cadet well a month after my daughters fiancees OD my son overdosed.
So please don't think that just because he overdosed that he is done. I hope heis but it just doesn't sound like it.
There is absolutely nothing you can do for him he has to want to be clean however you can take care of you and trust me if he isn't done and even if he is he will always be at risk of doing drugs again you will need the tools for you. You got some great suggestions above please consider them.
best of luck...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
When I read the part about the parents going home and expecting you to stand by your man even though he almost died from a drug over dose kind of hit home with me. My ex boyfriend from 5-6 years ago was addicted to oxy and believe me that was fun. He pretty much lied to his whole family borrowing money etc for the mortgage. (my house was paid off) They gave it to him knowing this just so they didn't have to deal with him. When I threw him out because of his drug addiction they were all down my throat because I didn't stand by him. I was ticked off big time.
As for the trust once that is broken especially from drugs, infadelity etc.. it's hard to get it back. You can never really trust them after that.
An addict will look you straight in the eye and lie about drug use. HE has to admit he has a problem and wants to get help. I would keep a sharpe eye on the finances and things around the house. Look out for yourself, don't keep the addict in the closet.
As for the trust once that is broken especially from drugs, infadelity etc.. it's hard to get it back. You can never really trust them after that.
An addict will look you straight in the eye and lie about drug use. HE has to admit he has a problem and wants to get help. I would keep a sharpe eye on the finances and things around the house. Look out for yourself, don't keep the addict in the closet.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
How frightening that must have been for you, to suddenly see him in a medical crisis and to find out it was due to illegal drugs. Now you know there is a problem. You dont know how long or how frequent, but you do know now going forward that something is going on. Doing drugs in he bathroom to the point of OD seems like more than social or recreational experimentation. Keep posting and reading.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Thank you everyone for your replies. It is scary to read so many posts here and see the devestion that addiction causes. I dont think Im ready to accept that he is an addict at this point. Im not really in denial that he might be, but there is just not enough to confirm it.
I cant go anywhere right now because his parents are staying at our house, and I have to be there with them or I think it would be rude, and they are both upset and we need to stick together on this. They are both good people, have always treated me just like their daughter and I love them both very much.
I didnt really lie to my parents Lovemenot, and I was not trying to cover for him at all. I called them immediately after it all happened and at that point I thought it was a heart attack even though he seemed way too young. And then when the Dr told us it was drugs, I told them it was drugs. But I explained his parents were coming here, and I thought it was best they stayed at home and I would keep them posted. And then after I got the story about the drugs coming from his friend (who did visit earlier) I told them that and I guess I did minimize it a little saying he didnt really know what he was doing and that it was so dangerous. But I just wasnt up to getting into his whole past use, and the whole bit at the time. I do plan on telling them the whole story once things settle down. Ive just been handling things the best I can you know. Its all been a huge shock and Ive been really confused.
Crazybaby, Im so sorry about all the loss in yoru family and friends lives. It speaks volumes to the sickness of disease that you can OD twice and not stop, and then do it a third time - and die. And then you can know all that happened to someone you cared about, and then you keep using and OD yourself. How is yoru son?
My emotions are just all over. I came home tonight didnt stay as long with him as usual because he will be home tomorrow. I am SO SCARED. I dont know how else to put it. I want him home, but right now I know he is safe, and I worry something will happen with his heart after he gets released, or I worry he is an addict and wont stop using.
But he admits he went into the bathroom and snorted the cocaine. He says over and over he is done, it was stupid, such a big mistake. But he just thinks he needs no help with stopping, and no one can really be sure he does. So basically it will be a waiting game.
His parents think we should get some drug test kits. I dont like the idea, but maybe it would help rebuild trust. If there was a moment when I thought he was high, but didnt know for sure. If he could take the test and prove he wasnt then it might help me. I want to trust him, but he has used off and on for almost a month and it was always at home he says. So it was right there and I didnt see it. There were no feelings, no hints, Nothing. That is what is upsetting me the most. I havent mentioned the drug testing to him yet, and I dont know if I will, but I think his parents plan on suggesting it in front of him before they leave. His dad even found some online.
I cant go anywhere right now because his parents are staying at our house, and I have to be there with them or I think it would be rude, and they are both upset and we need to stick together on this. They are both good people, have always treated me just like their daughter and I love them both very much.
I didnt really lie to my parents Lovemenot, and I was not trying to cover for him at all. I called them immediately after it all happened and at that point I thought it was a heart attack even though he seemed way too young. And then when the Dr told us it was drugs, I told them it was drugs. But I explained his parents were coming here, and I thought it was best they stayed at home and I would keep them posted. And then after I got the story about the drugs coming from his friend (who did visit earlier) I told them that and I guess I did minimize it a little saying he didnt really know what he was doing and that it was so dangerous. But I just wasnt up to getting into his whole past use, and the whole bit at the time. I do plan on telling them the whole story once things settle down. Ive just been handling things the best I can you know. Its all been a huge shock and Ive been really confused.
Crazybaby, Im so sorry about all the loss in yoru family and friends lives. It speaks volumes to the sickness of disease that you can OD twice and not stop, and then do it a third time - and die. And then you can know all that happened to someone you cared about, and then you keep using and OD yourself. How is yoru son?
My emotions are just all over. I came home tonight didnt stay as long with him as usual because he will be home tomorrow. I am SO SCARED. I dont know how else to put it. I want him home, but right now I know he is safe, and I worry something will happen with his heart after he gets released, or I worry he is an addict and wont stop using.
But he admits he went into the bathroom and snorted the cocaine. He says over and over he is done, it was stupid, such a big mistake. But he just thinks he needs no help with stopping, and no one can really be sure he does. So basically it will be a waiting game.
His parents think we should get some drug test kits. I dont like the idea, but maybe it would help rebuild trust. If there was a moment when I thought he was high, but didnt know for sure. If he could take the test and prove he wasnt then it might help me. I want to trust him, but he has used off and on for almost a month and it was always at home he says. So it was right there and I didnt see it. There were no feelings, no hints, Nothing. That is what is upsetting me the most. I havent mentioned the drug testing to him yet, and I dont know if I will, but I think his parents plan on suggesting it in front of him before they leave. His dad even found some online.
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unbeknown, the analogy the Dr. used was great. It is a bad sign that he was extremely defensive about getting help. That is a frustrating & common symptom of beginning stage addiction. The fact, that he overdosed on a illegal drug & just brushes it off as people overdose all the time is not good. He is justifying his using. Hopefully, he will not progress to smoking cocaine (crack) because then the roller coaster goes downhill even faster.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
i am sorry that you are going through this. pretty soon, you will receive a lot of supportive people coming on to give you some really good, helpful and encouraging advice. i too recently discovered that my loved one has a cocaine problem. i was in a denial for a long time, and i have come to understand that it is normal. what helped me was really getting some good therapy..and nar anon. my husband also did not want to accept that he had a problem...he was in denial and now is in rehab.
you are doing good...just hang in there. feel free to PM me anytime. there are some wonderful support groups out there.
take care and stay tough.
you are doing good...just hang in there. feel free to PM me anytime. there are some wonderful support groups out there.
take care and stay tough.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
First of all I am so so so sorry for what you’re going through.
Believe me when I say people here DO understand.
Now I’m going to be honest with you.
Your boyfriend is a drug addict. And he’s a liar. And he’s lied to you more than you even realize. And now that it’s out in the open, now that you know, as much as you try and ignore that part of you, the smart logical part of you, that says “He’s an addict, he’s lying” you won’t be able to.
It’ll always be there, in the back of your mind, every time he leaves the house, every time he goes to the bathroom, you’ll wonder, is he using? And truth is, there probably WILL be times when that’s EXACTLY what he’s doing.
But he’s good at this; he knows how to hide it. That’s what addicts do. They lie and they manipulate and they play to your emotions. And they can honestly convince you that you aren’t seeing something that is right in front of your face.
An addict is an addict first and everything else second. Nothing, not his feelings for you, or his love for his parents, or his job, or his dignity outweighs his need for drugs.
My (ex) boyfriend is a Coke addict too, amongst other things… his use went on for MONTHS and I have no idea. Even after he was arrested, I still thought “Well he isn’t an addict, maybe he wasn’t using at all, maybe it was just that one time” even as money started disappearing, even as the evidence stacked up against him I still so badly wanted to believe he wasn’t an addict.
And I stayed. And I tried to do everything in my power to make him stop but I couldn’t. I thought he was different. He was a good person, he was romantic and sweet and compassionate, but not when the drugs took over. Because he couldn’t be any of those things when he was in active addiction, because the drugs eventually took over
And it gets worse than you could possibly fathom before it gets better.
Overdoses don’t mean anything to addicts. Maybe it’ll scare them for a few days but they always go back. Addiction is that powerful, it’s impossible to explain to someone who is not addicted. They may have every intention of quitting but they can’t.
Not without admitting they have a problem, not without realizing the extent. Your boyfriend ALMOST DEID and he is saying he doesn’t have a problem? Think about that for a second.
All the response you’re getting now? I got them too, and I didn’t listen. I stayed with him after he got arrested. I thought if I loved him enough, I could get him through this. I thought he loved me too much to choose drugs over me. I didn’t realize that it stopped being his choice a long time ago and that nothing would overpower his desire, his NEED to get high.
This isn’t the end. It’s only the beginning of a long and painful road. Things WILL only get worse. And even if he gets the help he needs which could be months or years from now he is going to remain a very selfish person during recovery, and the sad truth is SO many drug addicts relapse and just can’t stay clean.
Think about it, is that what you want? A life of living with a ticking time bomb? DO you want to raise kids with someone like that? Someone who lied to you? Someone who can’t even get through a NIGHT with you without going into the bathroom to snort cocaine?
I know how hard it is to accept. I’ve been there. I didn’t accept it until my ex was arrested AGAIN and put in jail for three years. It was right in front of me the whole time and I put myself through SO much for someone who couldn’t give 1/8th of that love back.
You can’t control what he does you can’t back him quit. And it doesn’t sound to me like he’s anywhere near ready to do so. What is drug testing going to do? He’ll find a way to talk you out of that or he’ll tell you “It was just one time” and spew a bunch of **** about why it isn’t out of control.
Your addict isn’t any different than any other addict. And the reason you believe that he is, is because just like every addict he is damn good at making you believe he doesn’t have a problem. But I promise you, he does.
And you deserve so much better. People told me ALL of this when my ex was first arrested and I REALLY wish I'd listened then. Because everything they said was right.
Believe me when I say people here DO understand.
Now I’m going to be honest with you.
Your boyfriend is a drug addict. And he’s a liar. And he’s lied to you more than you even realize. And now that it’s out in the open, now that you know, as much as you try and ignore that part of you, the smart logical part of you, that says “He’s an addict, he’s lying” you won’t be able to.
It’ll always be there, in the back of your mind, every time he leaves the house, every time he goes to the bathroom, you’ll wonder, is he using? And truth is, there probably WILL be times when that’s EXACTLY what he’s doing.
But he’s good at this; he knows how to hide it. That’s what addicts do. They lie and they manipulate and they play to your emotions. And they can honestly convince you that you aren’t seeing something that is right in front of your face.
An addict is an addict first and everything else second. Nothing, not his feelings for you, or his love for his parents, or his job, or his dignity outweighs his need for drugs.
My (ex) boyfriend is a Coke addict too, amongst other things… his use went on for MONTHS and I have no idea. Even after he was arrested, I still thought “Well he isn’t an addict, maybe he wasn’t using at all, maybe it was just that one time” even as money started disappearing, even as the evidence stacked up against him I still so badly wanted to believe he wasn’t an addict.
And I stayed. And I tried to do everything in my power to make him stop but I couldn’t. I thought he was different. He was a good person, he was romantic and sweet and compassionate, but not when the drugs took over. Because he couldn’t be any of those things when he was in active addiction, because the drugs eventually took over
And it gets worse than you could possibly fathom before it gets better.
Overdoses don’t mean anything to addicts. Maybe it’ll scare them for a few days but they always go back. Addiction is that powerful, it’s impossible to explain to someone who is not addicted. They may have every intention of quitting but they can’t.
Not without admitting they have a problem, not without realizing the extent. Your boyfriend ALMOST DEID and he is saying he doesn’t have a problem? Think about that for a second.
All the response you’re getting now? I got them too, and I didn’t listen. I stayed with him after he got arrested. I thought if I loved him enough, I could get him through this. I thought he loved me too much to choose drugs over me. I didn’t realize that it stopped being his choice a long time ago and that nothing would overpower his desire, his NEED to get high.
This isn’t the end. It’s only the beginning of a long and painful road. Things WILL only get worse. And even if he gets the help he needs which could be months or years from now he is going to remain a very selfish person during recovery, and the sad truth is SO many drug addicts relapse and just can’t stay clean.
Think about it, is that what you want? A life of living with a ticking time bomb? DO you want to raise kids with someone like that? Someone who lied to you? Someone who can’t even get through a NIGHT with you without going into the bathroom to snort cocaine?
I know how hard it is to accept. I’ve been there. I didn’t accept it until my ex was arrested AGAIN and put in jail for three years. It was right in front of me the whole time and I put myself through SO much for someone who couldn’t give 1/8th of that love back.
You can’t control what he does you can’t back him quit. And it doesn’t sound to me like he’s anywhere near ready to do so. What is drug testing going to do? He’ll find a way to talk you out of that or he’ll tell you “It was just one time” and spew a bunch of **** about why it isn’t out of control.
Your addict isn’t any different than any other addict. And the reason you believe that he is, is because just like every addict he is damn good at making you believe he doesn’t have a problem. But I promise you, he does.
And you deserve so much better. People told me ALL of this when my ex was first arrested and I REALLY wish I'd listened then. Because everything they said was right.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 7
I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear but RUN. RUN FROM HIM AS FAST AS YOU CAN. I fathered a child with a heroin addict. I had to leave him when I was 8 weeks pregnant beause I myself was struggling with my own opiate addiction and he just would not stop or stop lying or get any kind of help even when opportunity for help was available. Fast forward two years, two trips to rehab under his belt and he is in jail indefinitely. He has seen his daughter only twice, the last time being over a year ago. His first arrest for heroin was in november of last year and over the summer he got two more charges, skipped his court date on the first charge. And now in jail he sits. I tried everything I MEAN EVERYTHING to try to get him to get help and get sober for the sake of out daughter and nothing mattered. People have to want to change and want help. You can not stay with someone who won't admit to a problem or get help. It won't work. You cannot save him. You have to walk away.. I'm sorry but thats the truth. I know the hurt that comes from loving an addict and trying to help them and all it does is cause you more pain. Good luck, I hope you make the right choice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Don’t drug test it isn’t healthy in any way for you or him. Isn’t he an adult? Sadly, if he wants to snort coke he has every right to. And if he doesn’t think he has a problem then there won’t be any convincing him that he does, not from you or anyone else, and not even a heart attack will get him to see. He could be incapable as well in this moment to see the truth. But the important part in all of this is that the choices he makes will teach him, including refusing help…And remember pushing help is you needing him to get help, for something within you which has nothing to do with him.
Oh and you are asking all the wrong questions.
So first get an education on addiction, on enabling, on codependency…
Then start asking all questions in terms of yourself. What you need, what you can live with, and what you never wish to live with. What are your dreams for the future and can find them in this relationship … nothing should be about him. If you want to stay fine, but know that if you don’t find some support for yourself and let him go to live how he wishes too they you will get as sick if not sicker than him. Hell you will get sicker everyone else before you has or still is whether they want to see it or not. Denial works well on both sides.
Also to make it real clear you know nothing because this isn’t your. You will go nuts picking his truth from his lies, and trying to make it all make sense….But then the distraction of that is so welcome because then you don’t have to look at our own truth and the lies you are telling yourself.
I can play the what if and maybe but maybe game all night, but it won’t get anyone anywhere close to healthy for them.
In it all you will have to find acceptance that this isn’t yours, you have no control of his actions or choices. You will have to understand that he is the only one who can save him and that it tends to happen faster when one is allowed to run it out their way.
Addiction also isn’t about taking the drug, the drug is a symptom of the disease and behavior rules and shows truth above everything. His behavior will be a dead giveaway as to how he is. Some set signs are comparing out ( I am not as bad as so and so ), pity parties, the blame game where it is everyone else is at fault or the cause of, and deflection which will come back on you as the problem…
Education and support will be the key for you.
Oh and you are asking all the wrong questions.
So first get an education on addiction, on enabling, on codependency…
Then start asking all questions in terms of yourself. What you need, what you can live with, and what you never wish to live with. What are your dreams for the future and can find them in this relationship … nothing should be about him. If you want to stay fine, but know that if you don’t find some support for yourself and let him go to live how he wishes too they you will get as sick if not sicker than him. Hell you will get sicker everyone else before you has or still is whether they want to see it or not. Denial works well on both sides.
Also to make it real clear you know nothing because this isn’t your. You will go nuts picking his truth from his lies, and trying to make it all make sense….But then the distraction of that is so welcome because then you don’t have to look at our own truth and the lies you are telling yourself.
I can play the what if and maybe but maybe game all night, but it won’t get anyone anywhere close to healthy for them.
In it all you will have to find acceptance that this isn’t yours, you have no control of his actions or choices. You will have to understand that he is the only one who can save him and that it tends to happen faster when one is allowed to run it out their way.
Addiction also isn’t about taking the drug, the drug is a symptom of the disease and behavior rules and shows truth above everything. His behavior will be a dead giveaway as to how he is. Some set signs are comparing out ( I am not as bad as so and so ), pity parties, the blame game where it is everyone else is at fault or the cause of, and deflection which will come back on you as the problem…
Education and support will be the key for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
unbeknowst, My son survived the OD no damage from it however he is still using I appreciate you asking. I know you will have to come to terms with your boyfriends situation
on your own time and terms but hon he overdosed, refuses any help he is an addict.
This was written by an addict from this forum...
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
on your own time and terms but hon he overdosed, refuses any help he is an addict.
This was written by an addict from this forum...
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
He has every right to snort coke? He has every right to purchase an illegal substance and snort it?
No I think it's against the law to have coke on your person? It's an illegal drug right?
I still get angry when we have to deal with the aftermath of the addict and the dealer. We can reason the addiction til the cows come home and the dealer still out there dealing.
Our system for dealing with dealers and addicts bites.
No I think it's against the law to have coke on your person? It's an illegal drug right?
I still get angry when we have to deal with the aftermath of the addict and the dealer. We can reason the addiction til the cows come home and the dealer still out there dealing.
Our system for dealing with dealers and addicts bites.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
He has every right to snort coke? He has every right to purchase an illegal substance and snort it?
No I think it's against the law to have coke on your person? It's an illegal drug right?
I still get angry when we have to deal with the aftermath of the addict and the dealer. We can reason the addiction til the cows come home and the dealer still out there dealing.
Our system for dealing with dealers and addicts bites.
No I think it's against the law to have coke on your person? It's an illegal drug right?
I still get angry when we have to deal with the aftermath of the addict and the dealer. We can reason the addiction til the cows come home and the dealer still out there dealing.
Our system for dealing with dealers and addicts bites.
He sure does have every right to snort whatever he wishes. He can choose to live how he wants. The legality of the situation doesn’t mean much. As if people would just not do something because it is illegal.
I am most positive it wasn’t legal for me to drink to blackout at age 12. The illegality of it sure as hell didn’t stop me, actually nothing could or would expect me …
There is no way in hell anyone copping is thinking omg this is illegal, but I am most sure there is a high level of desperation and a extremely strong sense of please god I need this hit to be ok…for the moment anyway.
And I didn’t have to deal with the aftermath of anything, my husband had to deal with his addiction and any consequences of it, not me. It surely wasn’t mine. He though was allowed to own his addiction and I wasn’t gonna help him stay sick or get well. Thank god I gave it back to him and saw that I had enough of my own issues to worry about and deal with. Or I would still be one sick lady…so ain’t going there again!
And of course the dealer will still be dealing. Someone has to meet the demand, no demand, no need for the dealer. The dealer isn’t the issue, the addict is.
Outtolunch wrote the following today, it very much applies to here…
No shortage of " my addict has done me wrong" threads. We are all capable of being deceived, once. After that, we all have a role in what follows.
I agree with that totally. We are only victims once, after that we are all in the game.
And one thing that is important to note, we may opt out at anytime.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
My boyfriend is home from the hospital now. I went to work today and left him alone all day with his parents at our house (insert devilish laugh). He called me in the middle of the day. His father wrote him out a check for $1000.00 and said he could have it, if he would bring out whatever stash of drugs were there at the house. He said there weren’t any there, and so his dad ripped up the check. He said there was really none there. When he was in the hospital, he told me where he had the drugs in the bathroom, and I got them out, showed his parents, and we disposed of them. I really think there is none left in the house. I am feeling a little bit better since he came home. He seems tired, had trouble falling asleep last night, but tonight he is already asleep.
I want to thank everyone for sharing with me, and I do appreciate the advice to walk away, or run away, but it is not something I have any intention of doing based only on what has happened so far.
I do have a question. I (and his parents) were not really sure what caused an overdose. We thought it was just when you took too much. But we don’t know about drugs, so how do you determine what is too much cocaine when you are putting it up your nose? The doctor at the hospital said that sometimes it is caused from using too much, like way too many lines. But other times it is caused by impurities in the batch of drugs, or whatever gets mixed with it that you don’t know about. Or it can be caused when there is something wrong with you physically, and then you take the same amount or even less, and it causes an overdose, seizure, heart to stop. My boyfriend says that he didn’t take a large amount , hadn’t increased the amount he took or anything, so he doesn’t know what happened. I am still confused about how all that works.
I want to thank everyone for sharing with me, and I do appreciate the advice to walk away, or run away, but it is not something I have any intention of doing based only on what has happened so far.
I do have a question. I (and his parents) were not really sure what caused an overdose. We thought it was just when you took too much. But we don’t know about drugs, so how do you determine what is too much cocaine when you are putting it up your nose? The doctor at the hospital said that sometimes it is caused from using too much, like way too many lines. But other times it is caused by impurities in the batch of drugs, or whatever gets mixed with it that you don’t know about. Or it can be caused when there is something wrong with you physically, and then you take the same amount or even less, and it causes an overdose, seizure, heart to stop. My boyfriend says that he didn’t take a large amount , hadn’t increased the amount he took or anything, so he doesn’t know what happened. I am still confused about how all that works.
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