mkr86

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend is a drug abuser. He uses cocaine every day and prescription opiate pain killers (hydromorphone, fentanyl, hydromorph contin) very often as well. I'm fully aware of the drugs he uses as we live together. He also drinks a lot which i think fuels the drug use even more. I've talked with him many times about stopping. About how dangerous it is. He never seems to listen. He always makes excuses, and the never ending lies and broken promises. Deflecting the situations and starting arguments with me and putting me on the defensive. He is the one with the problem and I have no idea how to help. I get angry with him sometimes because he lies about using. But I have come to terms with the fact I am probably enabling him in many ways.

It wasn't until recently I've started trying to approach the issues with him. Which always turns into an argument. He says How he "can't talk to me about anything. i don't care I don't support him." The thing is I don't know what stance to take on this. Getting mad at him doesn't do anything. It's not going to make him stop. Tonight I found his stash of hydromorph painkillers and I thought about taking them from him and getting rid of them but of course I realized, that also would solve nothing. He has to want to stop .. But how can I make him see that he has to? "I'll stop when I'm ready" he says. "I've done it lots before" referring to his drug problems in the past. I think he probably has had me under some kind of illusion our entire relationship (a year)
I really need help with how can I support an addict? He says he feels so alone because I don't support him and he feels he can't talk to me. I think it could be just more excuses to hide the addiction. If there's things I can do to help him.. Anything... I would love to hear it. Thanks

M

Vale

mkr,

You are very wise.
Tossing his stash will do nothing.
He has to want to recover.We cannot do it for them.

(and it is a strategic error to try)

I hope you will find the SR gang's collective wisdom...as useful as I
have.The 'stickies' at the top of the page are invaluable.

Noone here does not understand what you are going through!

crazybabie

he says he feels so alone because I don't support him and he feels he can't talk to me. I think it could be just more excuses to hide the addiction. If there's things I can do to help him.. Anything... I would love to hear it.

He has to help him you can't he is using manipulation when he says those things to you.

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it.

drc5426

The best thing you can do is let go. There is nothing you can do to "support" him. It's his addiction, he owns it. Anything he says about stopping whenever he wants is bull**** in my opinion considering that he still uses heavily, on a daily basis.

He won't react to any "normal" support or advice, because he's in denial and seems to be manipulating you into feeling guilty about leaving him alone.

If I were you I would seriously consider leaving this person for your own mental health and safety.

You can't support him to sobriety

kmangel

He has made it clear that he doesn't want to hear what you have to say about his addiction. He wants you to support his using drugs not getting clean from drugs.

What do you want knowing this about your boyfriend? If you want to move forward with your relationship, then his being a drug addict is your future. There are meetings for people in relationships with addicts/alcoholics (Al-Anon/Nar-Anon). You will find support for yourself in such groups.

Or you can leave your boyfriend and let him get on with his life as an addict without any interference from you. It's for you to decide.

outtolunch

Drugs have rewired his brain to protect and sustain addiction. Lies and manipulation are the tools used to do so.

Addiction is progressive and it's going to get worse.

Nothing you can say or do that's going to get or keep him sober. You are not that powerful. None of us are. If love could snap anyuone out of addiction, there would be no addiction.

Attempting to control and change him leads to mutual resentments and does not work. He's an adult and is living life as he sees fit to do. Are you?

Yogagurl

Dear mkr,

I am currently married to an addict and learned of his addiction while he and I had just started dating. Since I had not been exposed to addiction before, I was ignorant to the negative impact it would have on my life, as well as his. My husband went through a downward spiral very fast, using crack cocaine and cocaine. When money wasn't available, he would pawn, steal, and was always lying about what he was doing. He had a vicious car accident that nearly killed him and was unable to walk or work for 6 months. After he regained strength and a few months of financial stability, he began using again. In his months of sobriety, he and I married. I was under the impression that this accident would be the end of the line for him and that he had undergone a spiritual awakening. I was wrong.

The cycle has begun again, and is slowly progressing to the state of chaos that it once was. If this is a boyfriend, I suggest you let him go. I suggest that you move on and move away if you feel that it would be easier for you to stay away from the relationship. It is destructive physically, emotionally, and spiritually for you to be in a relationship with an addict. The addiction is larger than any love or connection that you may have to this man and he will not be reliable or accountable until he is sober for a long time. You would need to give it a couple of years before even reconsidering getting back involved. I speak from hands on experience. Please feel free to contact me anytime you need to vent or if you need advice.

Love and light,
YG

mdkathy62

Hi mkr86,

Thanks for sharing. I recently, like two days ago, told my bf to pack his bags and move out. Enabling was something I struggled to understand as well. I felt like I had tried everything with him--tried to help him in any way possible, lent him money, ignored him and gave him space, let him fall on his own, etc. and nothing seemed to work. I felt like I could never please him. He was always mad at me anyway. If I helped him financially (even if he asked!), he resented me. If I gave him space and left him alone (like he asked!), he resented me for not being supportive, hugging him, and being lovey dovey. I simply could not understand what to do and felt like nothing I did was right.

I wish I could give you a better idea, but deciding to leave him, to be indifferent even when he was very hurt and trying to get me to feel guilty for leaving, is what I'm currently working on. Ultimately, I can't possibly be enabling him if I'm nowhere near him. Regardless of whether or not I enabled him, there are other people he will turn to and they will be the next hostage--someone on here told me "Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages".

I've been feeling like maybe I was a means to an end--to help him continue to use alcohol, survive, and thrive. Maybe he used me? But also, I let him. This is just my experience. I realized all of this after 3 years of dating. I came to a point where I asked myself, "would I be happy if I was married to this guy?". When I met him, he was great, but "if I met him now, would I date him?" The one who is playing video games all day, ignoring me, going out relapsing and lying about it? Would I want to be with him, and when the answer was no, I knew my future, my happiness was at stake.

Sueski

"if I met him now, would I date him?"

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

outtolunch

I define my own codependency as a disease of ego, my ego. I once had the audacity to think I was somehow powerful enough to help my adult daughter change and live her life as I expected her to do. Back when, I had convinced myself that I would throw all my money, time, energy and will into creating opportunities for her to change. I nearly bankrupted myself emotionally, physically and financially trying to achieve the impossible, denying her free will to live her life as she chose to do.

mstrust

my boyfriend says all the same things to me about how he can't talk to me and i'm not supportive. in fact, the other day he told me i'm the "most negative force" in his life. it's all a bunch of manipulation. he says he can't talk to me and that gives him an excuse to shut me out. saying i'm "negative" and "not helping" adds to his reasons for continuing what he's doing. i believe if my boyfriend were serious about getting well, these would not be his comments to me. at all.

i wish you the best and keep posting and reading here. i think it's helped me more than anything else.

hello-kitty

You didn't cause his addiction. You can't control his addiction. You can't cure his addiction. The plain truth is you can't help him quit using. He has to help himself. If he's not doing anything to help himself recovery (actually doing something to quit, not just saying he wants to quit), than anything you do is enabling his addiction.

I suggest you read all the stickies on this website and learn all you can about addiction. It is a disease of lies, manipulation and cover-ups. Addicts will do and say whatever it it takes to ensure that they can continue using their drugs. They will twist the truth until you feel crazy and sick. And when you are wrapped up in trying to control someone else's addiction, you become as sick as they are are. Becuase their addiction is not about you. It's all about feeding their addiction.

Accepting that you are powerless over someone elses addiction is a huge first step. But until you do that, your life will continue to spiral out of control along side of the addict.
I would suggest you read a book called Co-dependent No More. That may help you identify some of your enabling behaviors and give you ideas on how to get control of your life.

mkr86

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your replies. Sorry for my late response!
Right now, I do not feel I can leave him. Although don't get me wrong, I understand that it could possibly be the only thing to get him to see he needs to stop using. I just don't like to play games of any type. I want to be with him, I don't want him to use drugs. I'm not willing to give up my life for someone who does not put me first, but right now i am not ready. I don't feel I have enough support or anyone to turn to.
We finally had an open talk about his drug use the other night. We went out on a date for the first time in months. We usually just stay home these days. We went to the movies. He had to have beers before we went. He told me, finally, actually admitted that he needs the alcohol or he gets shaky. So sure enough, 2 beers before the movie wasn't enough. Also he wasn't able to snort any painkillers at the theatre like he always can at home. About half an hour before the ending, he asked if we could leave because he didn't feel well. I knew why. I'm trying to withhold my feelings of resentment towards him and instead treat his addiction as if he is sick with a disease. Is that not what addiction is anyway? I just want to help him. Yesterday he had it planned out he was going to try and stop. He explained what would happen to him when he would start to get withdrawals (I also read lots online. He snorts hydromorphone aka diluadid) I was ready for whatever. At least he was giving it a shot. i told him I'd help him in any way I could. I asked him if he had anymore pills he said no. He said he'd need to sleep for a very long time and his joints were going to hurt really bad. This scares me so much. So sure enough he tried. He slept for about 15 hours and when he got up I truly knew he was sober. It was very nice. We actually talked normally and had a few good laughs. We don't often anymore. He said he was tired. I was waiting for more withdrawal symptoms to kick in as apparently they're at their worst at around 24 hrs ... But he seemed like he was fine. He'd only been awake for a few hours, and I noticed white powder in the bathroom where he always does the drugs. Same little beads on the counter that he crushes up to snort. I obviously wasn't surprised. Just disappointed. I don't think he realizes he can't stop on his own. He seems to think he can. I brought t up to him about an hour ago. In no way was I angry just very gentle and kind with him. I told him I knew he hadn't stopped using and I told him I wish he didn't lie to me about it. I asked him if he thought he could do it on his own he didn't say anything. I repeatedly told him I just want to help him. The whole time his demeanor is just like a pissed off guy who doesn't want to hear it. Maybe he doesnt want to stop & just wants me to think he does? think hes trying.? Then he twists it around an tells me "yeah well I CAN'T talk to you about it" I asked him why and he says he can tell I'm not "sincere or genuine. Stop pretending you care. I can hear it in the tone of your voice that you don't really give a f***"
This was very upsetting to me as I clearly care more than anything. More than my own good. He then left the room and took a pillow and blanket as if to say he's sleeping on the couch. Ugh. Maybe he feels ashamed for telling me he was gonna quit "I HAVE to" he'd said. I don't know what todo anymore. How can I get him to see he obviously has to get help to stop?? Is leaving him really the only option I have? I love him very much & this whole thing takes a toll on me daily. I don't think he even knows how much it hurts me.

eveleivibe

NO! Don't take them away from him its the worst thing you can do. He'll get panicky, probably angry n go n get as much as he possibly cann these piills are VERY EXPENSIVE to get. Then will be even more secretive with you n resentful.

You can't stop this unless HE wants to n you did not cause this.

Have you been to any al anon meetings?
Keeping coming to SR you'll get good support here.

Take care.
Evey xxx

kmangel

You have three scenarios facing you. Leave, stay and accept what he is doing and keep quiet about his choice to use and abuse drugs, or stay and complain about it, making yourself totally miserable.

The best thing for you right now is to go to some meetings for yourself. If you choose to stay with your boyfriend you will need to get your emotional needs met elsewhere as your boyfriend will be incapable of meeting them for you. His first love will always be drugs and alcohol.

BeavsDad

He doesn't care. You are his favorite enabler (for now). That's all.

You've probably never known the "real" him, since he was an addict when you met him.

Anything he says right now is a lie, including wanting to stop.

He is draining your self-respect and sanity, and you are letting him.

I hope you're not finacially dependent on him.

Keep reading here.
There are several strong women here who have taken back control of their lives.