Really down and out..looking for an ear
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
Really down and out..looking for an ear
Sorry haven't been on in a while. Just been kinda busy dealing with life. Here's a brief recap of my situation.
My fiance is a heroin addict and this past year has been hell. Things really went downward when his dad passed in May. All the behaviors that come with addiction has just been overbearing. I finally decided I had enough and was looking for a way to ask him to leave the beginning of Nov.
Well about 2 weeks ago a cop showed up at our house to talk to him and gave him a number to call. The next day he decides he's going to rehab. Apparently he was stealing from customers from his work so he now no longer has his job. He had a hard time getting in and still continued to use. Well finally he got in yesterday. And I'm having conflicting feelings about it.
It's like a part of me still loves him and thinks what if this is it. What if he gets it this time. I just want "us" back and I would give anything for that. But my other side tells me look at everything that has happened. I don't even know if we can get back there. I still don't trust him and who knows how long that would take to earn back. And scared if I ever did...will he do this again? That is what is eating me alive. I'm fighting what can't be fought. I think what I'm looking for is him to come out of rehab and this will be it..no more addiction. But that's just it. There is no guarentee he will stay clean. I mean he can be good for a few days, weeks, months, years ...who knows. I do know that after all this...I can't handle another relapse. And with this disease..it does't go away. It's all so heart breaking.
Then he and his ex have a kid. I get them being in contact cause of that. But it just seems like every horrible life event he has he has to go to her. I don't understand why she has to be involved with everything. I mean he gets to a rehab for an interview the other day and he contacts her then me. Then when he called to talk to me before he went in for good yesterday...of course he had to contact her too. Really hurts...So then I wonder while he's there..will he be contacting both of us...will she be sending stuff to him too..are they reconnecting through this....would he even tell me????
Then the whole week he was waiting to get into rehab he asked me to go stay at my folks incase the cops came and got him. He didn't want me to see if they came and got him I guess. Then it was a week of I love yous..I'm gonna get better...I'm sorry.... I have tried to tell him...you have NO idea what you have done to me. I feel dead inside... Then (I know this is wrong) but I get so angry. You get to go away and take care of you..I still have to function..take care of our 3 dogs...go to work....keep up the house...deal with bills and figure out what to do about finances since it's pretty much only me now....deal with everyone who asks what's going on..figure out how to pay my school loans who keep calling me...all this while I just feel run down. I don't have the option to just drop everything and go away to get myself together. Then I get angry cause it almost seems like addiction is an excuse. I can be unresponsible...do whatever I want and treat people however I want but it's not me..just my disease...sorry! Grrrrrr...
Then I don't really know what's going on with the whole rehab thing. He is in detox now so I know I can't call him. I did call to see how he was doing and to leave a message. Sad to say part of me still loves him and cares. But my head tells me to step with caution. I don't know how long he will be there..when he can contact me...if I send cards or mail can he receive it now? Then he was telling me they encourage loved ones to visit and do some therapy there. Do I go...not go... Then I feel bad if I'm involved for support then when he gets home and if it comes down to me telling him I can't do this....he has to leave. It's all tearing me to shreds inside. Then I haven't spoke to his mom in a while. Now his aunt...with her type of work helpped him get in. I sit and think does his mom know he's even gone...should I contact her? We have discussed this situation in the past and she was supportive of me. His bros also contacted me to see how I was..for support and asked if there was anything they could do. I'm really surprised his mom hasn't contacted me to see how things are going..I don't know if she's mad at me...but then she may still be coping with her husband passing a few months ago...I don't know.
Anyone who is kinda the same as me..what have you done? Have you felt the same way? I mean I want to believe this will help but feel using again in the future is inevitable from what I've learned from yinz and research. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening
My fiance is a heroin addict and this past year has been hell. Things really went downward when his dad passed in May. All the behaviors that come with addiction has just been overbearing. I finally decided I had enough and was looking for a way to ask him to leave the beginning of Nov.
Well about 2 weeks ago a cop showed up at our house to talk to him and gave him a number to call. The next day he decides he's going to rehab. Apparently he was stealing from customers from his work so he now no longer has his job. He had a hard time getting in and still continued to use. Well finally he got in yesterday. And I'm having conflicting feelings about it.
It's like a part of me still loves him and thinks what if this is it. What if he gets it this time. I just want "us" back and I would give anything for that. But my other side tells me look at everything that has happened. I don't even know if we can get back there. I still don't trust him and who knows how long that would take to earn back. And scared if I ever did...will he do this again? That is what is eating me alive. I'm fighting what can't be fought. I think what I'm looking for is him to come out of rehab and this will be it..no more addiction. But that's just it. There is no guarentee he will stay clean. I mean he can be good for a few days, weeks, months, years ...who knows. I do know that after all this...I can't handle another relapse. And with this disease..it does't go away. It's all so heart breaking.
Then he and his ex have a kid. I get them being in contact cause of that. But it just seems like every horrible life event he has he has to go to her. I don't understand why she has to be involved with everything. I mean he gets to a rehab for an interview the other day and he contacts her then me. Then when he called to talk to me before he went in for good yesterday...of course he had to contact her too. Really hurts...So then I wonder while he's there..will he be contacting both of us...will she be sending stuff to him too..are they reconnecting through this....would he even tell me????
Then the whole week he was waiting to get into rehab he asked me to go stay at my folks incase the cops came and got him. He didn't want me to see if they came and got him I guess. Then it was a week of I love yous..I'm gonna get better...I'm sorry.... I have tried to tell him...you have NO idea what you have done to me. I feel dead inside... Then (I know this is wrong) but I get so angry. You get to go away and take care of you..I still have to function..take care of our 3 dogs...go to work....keep up the house...deal with bills and figure out what to do about finances since it's pretty much only me now....deal with everyone who asks what's going on..figure out how to pay my school loans who keep calling me...all this while I just feel run down. I don't have the option to just drop everything and go away to get myself together. Then I get angry cause it almost seems like addiction is an excuse. I can be unresponsible...do whatever I want and treat people however I want but it's not me..just my disease...sorry! Grrrrrr...
Then I don't really know what's going on with the whole rehab thing. He is in detox now so I know I can't call him. I did call to see how he was doing and to leave a message. Sad to say part of me still loves him and cares. But my head tells me to step with caution. I don't know how long he will be there..when he can contact me...if I send cards or mail can he receive it now? Then he was telling me they encourage loved ones to visit and do some therapy there. Do I go...not go... Then I feel bad if I'm involved for support then when he gets home and if it comes down to me telling him I can't do this....he has to leave. It's all tearing me to shreds inside. Then I haven't spoke to his mom in a while. Now his aunt...with her type of work helpped him get in. I sit and think does his mom know he's even gone...should I contact her? We have discussed this situation in the past and she was supportive of me. His bros also contacted me to see how I was..for support and asked if there was anything they could do. I'm really surprised his mom hasn't contacted me to see how things are going..I don't know if she's mad at me...but then she may still be coping with her husband passing a few months ago...I don't know.
Anyone who is kinda the same as me..what have you done? Have you felt the same way? I mean I want to believe this will help but feel using again in the future is inevitable from what I've learned from yinz and research. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm sorry for everything you've been through. You really can't know if he's going to get clean and sober. Only time will tell. I hope you will take this opportunity to try to detangle yourself a little from his situation and his problems and search for a little clarity for you. Being involved with an addict can make you as sick as the addict. We lose control over our lives. So first steps are to try to get control of ourselves back.
I suggest giving yourself a little space and taking a break from him while he's in detox. Do something nice for yourself. Read all you can on this website - all the stories, all the forum stickies. Learn all you can about addiction, codendency and boundaries. See if you can find an alanon meeting or a naranon meeting and attend it.
All his problems, all your problems will still be there when he gets out of detox. So now is a chance for you to pull yourself together and focus on yourself. He's in a safe place and he's doing what he needs to do for his future. What do you need to do for yours?
I suggest giving yourself a little space and taking a break from him while he's in detox. Do something nice for yourself. Read all you can on this website - all the stories, all the forum stickies. Learn all you can about addiction, codendency and boundaries. See if you can find an alanon meeting or a naranon meeting and attend it.
All his problems, all your problems will still be there when he gets out of detox. So now is a chance for you to pull yourself together and focus on yourself. He's in a safe place and he's doing what he needs to do for his future. What do you need to do for yours?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hope, sweetie, grab a deep breathe and let go, girl.
He's going to rehab...that is nothing but good. His very life may depend on making it through...don't run interference, don't lay your problems on him right now, don't rock the boat.
You cannot control how life will unfold and it's a terrible waste of energy worrying about it.
How about you? Have you tried meetings? Your own recovery program?
You sound like you have lost your balance somewhere along the way...meetings and learning a program to help you find your balance and sanity again just might do you the world of good. Why not give it a try? You have nothing to lose.
Hugs
He's going to rehab...that is nothing but good. His very life may depend on making it through...don't run interference, don't lay your problems on him right now, don't rock the boat.
You cannot control how life will unfold and it's a terrible waste of energy worrying about it.
How about you? Have you tried meetings? Your own recovery program?
You sound like you have lost your balance somewhere along the way...meetings and learning a program to help you find your balance and sanity again just might do you the world of good. Why not give it a try? You have nothing to lose.
Hugs
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
It's been a long time since I have posted on this forum but I will share my experience with you two years ago I filed for divorce from my AH.. I was in constant emotional turmoil because I felt guilty for leaving him but I couldn't go on living with an addict.. My ultimatum was rehab.. Well he went at the 11th hour to detox and came home a different person or so I thought.. Out of much confusion and guilt and heart wrenching pain i withdrew the divorce petition.. Two years later I regret my decision every single day.. He's back on drugs and I'm as miserable as ever, trying to get the strength to leave him for good..
My advice to you is to separate yourself from him for a while.. Get to some meetings and work on yourself.. Some people do well in rehab but it's not rehab that fixes the addict, it's the addict that fixes the addict and unless he comes home and changes his friends and environment and works a strong program he will be back to using in no time.. Give him a chance to show you that he is serious about his sobriety before you marry this man.. Oh how I wish, wish, wish, I would have had the courage two years ago to divorce my husband.. I would have been so much happier now, so much more at peace but I couldn't see the forest for the trees..
two years ago I filed for divorce from my AH.. I was in constant emotional turmoil because I felt guilty for leaving him but I couldn't go on living with an addict.. My ultimatum was rehab.. Well he went at the 11th hour to detox and came home a different person or so I thought.. Out of much confusion and guilt and heart wrenching pain i withdrew the divorce petition.. Two years later I regret my decision every single day.. He's back on drugs and I'm as miserable as ever, trying to get the strength to leave him for good.. My advice to you is to separate yourself from him for a while.. Get to some meetings and work on yourself.. Some people do well in rehab but it's not rehab that fixes the addict, it's the addict that fixes the addict and unless he comes home and changes his friends and environment and works a strong program he will be back to using in no time.. Give him a chance to show you that he is serious about his sobriety before you marry this man.. Oh how I wish, wish, wish, I would have had the courage two years ago to divorce my husband.. I would have been so much happier now, so much more at peace but I couldn't see the forest for the trees..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I'm sorry to hear of your pain. I would suggest taking a break. Giving each other space. He isn't healthy, and there isn't anything you can do to help him. Like others have said here before, if love was enough, none of us would be here.
Another red flag is that he has a child. I understand you are not keen that he has a relationship with her, but they have a child. He will and should have a relationship with this woman.
Good luck. Start taking care of YOU.
Another red flag is that he has a child. I understand you are not keen that he has a relationship with her, but they have a child. He will and should have a relationship with this woman.
Good luck. Start taking care of YOU.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
Yeah I need to take care of me which I'm trying to do. But as far as his relationship with his ex...if they should have a relationship that is other than what is going on with their child as in he needs to go to her for support and comfort during every life crisis then that is where he should be. Not needing two women in his life...thats all.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
