My first post, where do I start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 20
My first post, where do I start?
Forgive me in advance if what I am about to write sounds completely negative, animated and totally off the charts. It's just merely an expression of my thoughts.
I have been with my addict for almost three years. I knew the moment I met him that we were meant to have each other in our lives, I still claim that I fell in love with him at first sight. I also knew that he was an addict at the time. Oddly enough it didn't scare me then, I felt empowered to "help" him. I should have said that I felt empowered to "change" him because, well, that is what I have been trying to do for nearly three years. For the past three years I have developed slight anxiety, occasional panic attacks, co-dependency, an urge to control and obsess over those things that I cannot change, depression and anger. Although, I may have been and felt those things before him, I am still trying to figure that out. It's like, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" We'll never know.
I love him too much. I daydream about a day when he will love me too much back. Even though he does occasionally, when he is high and feeling good at least.
I don't understand why we are here. See, I am one of those individuals that strongly believes that everything in life happens for a reason. I feel that those people in your life are there because they are meant to be. Because you are supposed to learn and grow from each other.
I have been to AA, Al Anon and Therapy, i have drank obsessively. They all make me feel worse. It is amazing how quick people are to tell you to leave him. Move on. Give up and let go.
Why then, did I meet this man who I am so in love with, had a beautiful child with him 7 1/2 weeks ago, and gave him my all only to turn around and walk away. It just doesn't make sense to me. I'm still waiting to see the light. Well actually, I'm waiting for him to see the light. There's gotta be one somewhere, right?
I suppose it could be worse. After all, he is VERY good at being an addict. He doesn't get angry with me. He doesn't abuse me. He goes to work everyday at the same place for the last 8 years. He gives me at between 1/4 (sometimes 1/8) of his paycheck for bills. He tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful. He thanks me for bearing his child. He makes love to me when he's up for it (no pun intended) and somewhere deep inside I am pretty sure he wants to quit. So why then is he so afraid of the change that being clean entails? And why then am I so afraid to lose him. Why him at all? I could have fallen in love with countless others who didn't lie or steal from me. Or I could have been secure in my former independence to walk the road alone. None of it makes sense. And I want to get to a place where it doesn't have to make sense, it just is.
I want to be happy again. And feel loved again. And be strong again. And I want to get there with him...
I have been with my addict for almost three years. I knew the moment I met him that we were meant to have each other in our lives, I still claim that I fell in love with him at first sight. I also knew that he was an addict at the time. Oddly enough it didn't scare me then, I felt empowered to "help" him. I should have said that I felt empowered to "change" him because, well, that is what I have been trying to do for nearly three years. For the past three years I have developed slight anxiety, occasional panic attacks, co-dependency, an urge to control and obsess over those things that I cannot change, depression and anger. Although, I may have been and felt those things before him, I am still trying to figure that out. It's like, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" We'll never know.
I love him too much. I daydream about a day when he will love me too much back. Even though he does occasionally, when he is high and feeling good at least.
I don't understand why we are here. See, I am one of those individuals that strongly believes that everything in life happens for a reason. I feel that those people in your life are there because they are meant to be. Because you are supposed to learn and grow from each other.
I have been to AA, Al Anon and Therapy, i have drank obsessively. They all make me feel worse. It is amazing how quick people are to tell you to leave him. Move on. Give up and let go.
Why then, did I meet this man who I am so in love with, had a beautiful child with him 7 1/2 weeks ago, and gave him my all only to turn around and walk away. It just doesn't make sense to me. I'm still waiting to see the light. Well actually, I'm waiting for him to see the light. There's gotta be one somewhere, right?
I suppose it could be worse. After all, he is VERY good at being an addict. He doesn't get angry with me. He doesn't abuse me. He goes to work everyday at the same place for the last 8 years. He gives me at between 1/4 (sometimes 1/8) of his paycheck for bills. He tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful. He thanks me for bearing his child. He makes love to me when he's up for it (no pun intended) and somewhere deep inside I am pretty sure he wants to quit. So why then is he so afraid of the change that being clean entails? And why then am I so afraid to lose him. Why him at all? I could have fallen in love with countless others who didn't lie or steal from me. Or I could have been secure in my former independence to walk the road alone. None of it makes sense. And I want to get to a place where it doesn't have to make sense, it just is.
I want to be happy again. And feel loved again. And be strong again. And I want to get there with him...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
My prayers go out to you and your new baby (congratulations by the way. A child is a miracle, a blessing and will bring you more love and happiness than you could ever imagine).
You are in a tough place. Everyone on this site is here because of their love for an addict. Because of their frustration, hurt, denial, hopes, dreams, fantasies, anxiety and fear - but mostly because of their love. After all, if we didn't love them, it wouldn't be so hard to walk away, right?
YOU are the only one who you can change or control. It's so hard to accept, but the fact is that as long as you continue in a relationship with an active addict, you will be surrounded by chaos - no security, no plans for the future (fantasies about the future - yes, but plans fall apart). His addiction has the ability to destroy not only him, but everyone who loves him IF they let it. You can't change it, you can't control it. The question is, can you continue to live like this? This is a choice YOU have to make.
Yes, walking away from someone you love is desperately hard. But sometimes it is necessary for our own sanity - to save ourselves, our children and those closest to us. I'm not telling you that you should leave him. That is a very personal decision. But you should educate yourself about addiction. A lot of that can be done right here. Everyone here has a story about their relationship with an addict.
I loved my AH too much - like you. He was everything I ever imagined a man could be. But after years of going through the ups and downs, the blame, the financial difficulties, the lies and mistrust, my intense love for him faded. Don't get me wrong - I still love him with all of my heart. Just not like I used to. He misses that. He wants that back. But as much as he wants me to love him like I did, he wants the drugs more. He can't stay away from them.
Read the stickies. Read peoples stories. Go to meetings. Most importantly, take care of YOU and take care of your beautiful new baby.
You are in my prayers.
You are in a tough place. Everyone on this site is here because of their love for an addict. Because of their frustration, hurt, denial, hopes, dreams, fantasies, anxiety and fear - but mostly because of their love. After all, if we didn't love them, it wouldn't be so hard to walk away, right?
YOU are the only one who you can change or control. It's so hard to accept, but the fact is that as long as you continue in a relationship with an active addict, you will be surrounded by chaos - no security, no plans for the future (fantasies about the future - yes, but plans fall apart). His addiction has the ability to destroy not only him, but everyone who loves him IF they let it. You can't change it, you can't control it. The question is, can you continue to live like this? This is a choice YOU have to make.
Yes, walking away from someone you love is desperately hard. But sometimes it is necessary for our own sanity - to save ourselves, our children and those closest to us. I'm not telling you that you should leave him. That is a very personal decision. But you should educate yourself about addiction. A lot of that can be done right here. Everyone here has a story about their relationship with an addict.
I loved my AH too much - like you. He was everything I ever imagined a man could be. But after years of going through the ups and downs, the blame, the financial difficulties, the lies and mistrust, my intense love for him faded. Don't get me wrong - I still love him with all of my heart. Just not like I used to. He misses that. He wants that back. But as much as he wants me to love him like I did, he wants the drugs more. He can't stay away from them.
Read the stickies. Read peoples stories. Go to meetings. Most importantly, take care of YOU and take care of your beautiful new baby.
You are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Jeanie84)) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. FWIW, I'm a recovering addict (RA) and recovering codie. I got into drugs because I couldn't make things "right" with my first bf, an alcoholic.
I read all the books, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie is GREAT. However, I wasn't read to "hear" it. My situation was different.
I understand what you want, and that's a normal thing. However, to get what you want, HE has to change. Are you prepared for the fact he may not? He may get worse? It's totally up to him, you can't change him.
I spent 20 years with my first bf, haven't seen him in about 10 years. Few months ago had lunch with a mutual friend (they work together and I used to work with them) and her daughter. I mentioned that I always wanted to "fix" him and they both laughed, shook their heads and said "trust us, he's STILL not fixed".
Yep, he works every day - is awesome with the customers. He manages money great (way better than I ever did) but he also gets drunk, nasty and obnoxious every night, all day on weekends.
Do you see yourself satisfied with the relationship, as it IS, 20 years from now? This may be the best it gets. Sorry to sound like a downer, but I'm just sharing my ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I read all the books, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie is GREAT. However, I wasn't read to "hear" it. My situation was different.
I understand what you want, and that's a normal thing. However, to get what you want, HE has to change. Are you prepared for the fact he may not? He may get worse? It's totally up to him, you can't change him.
I spent 20 years with my first bf, haven't seen him in about 10 years. Few months ago had lunch with a mutual friend (they work together and I used to work with them) and her daughter. I mentioned that I always wanted to "fix" him and they both laughed, shook their heads and said "trust us, he's STILL not fixed".
Yep, he works every day - is awesome with the customers. He manages money great (way better than I ever did) but he also gets drunk, nasty and obnoxious every night, all day on weekends.
Do you see yourself satisfied with the relationship, as it IS, 20 years from now? This may be the best it gets. Sorry to sound like a downer, but I'm just sharing my ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Jeanie84,
Of all the useful things SR has done for me,the best is knowing that
just about everyone here understands the madness that is addiction.
I hope it helps you as much as it does me.
Welcome.
Vale
Of all the useful things SR has done for me,the best is knowing that
just about everyone here understands the madness that is addiction.
I hope it helps you as much as it does me.
Welcome.
Vale
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 20
Thank you all for your replies and support. I have read just about every book I can on addiction. I have learned the different types of drugs out there (being a non user I had no idea what was available). He has been a heroin addict for 11 years. Sometimes I can get him to open up to me about how he feels about his drug, and about me and our relationship. I understand that I can only focus on myself and my children. I know that I cannot change him. But I cannot give up the notion that there is hope for him. That the life I continue to envision for us IS a possibility. I don't want to give up hope, and I don't want to give him up either. I just wish I was able to better "cope" with all of this. I don't want to be angry at him or resentful. I don't want to search through his phone when he's not looking or go through his drawers. I don't want to cry or obsess. I just want to let it be so that I can enjoy the good times that we have together. Is that possible?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I just want to let it be so that I can enjoy the good times that we have together. Is that possible?
His first love is heroin. You are second. Your child third. Is that ok for you? Or do you want something else? Because you can't change him. You are POWERLESS to change his addiction. You can only change yourself.
It helps to work the recovery you WISH he would work. Read Co-dependent No More. Attend Al-anon and Nar-anon. Learn about setting boundaries in a relationship. Fix your own shortcomings. Be the sober parent your daughter needs (because it's impossible for him to do that).
Figure out what you want in a relationship. NOT what you want with him. But what you want in general. What are your personal values. What are you willing to put up with. Then practice drawing some boundaries and what you will do if those boundaries are broken.
Like I said, you can't fix him, but maybe if you fix yourself, you won't have to...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Jeanie,
I think if you choose to have a relationship with a functional addict; it is very similar to having a relationship with a person that has a chronic illness such as cancer. I think there are many things that you just have to accept at face value.
You want your loved one to get better, but truthfully he may not. He could die too soon, but there is also the possibility of a long life. Either way there is the possibility of many happy days together, and during the hard times; life lessons that can make you a stronger person, and without a doubt there will be days of sadness and fear.
Even functional addicts, like others with chronic illness will most likely have some limitations; social restrictions, fluctuating moods, limits on parenting abilities, safety issues when driving, etc.
It takes a special kind of person to live with someone who has a chronic illness. I think the ones that are the happiest, are the ones who have learned just as you said; they appreciate the quality time with their loved one, and they also strive to create a healthy, independent life; having it filled with friends, family, activities, work, etc. that serve to fill any emotional gaps, and provide support when needed.
As far as the symptoms you mentioned; occasional panic attacks, anxiety, compulsive acts like searching his phone; I think you first have to identify the fear that is behind this, and then work to find healthy ways to cope. I find that writing down my feelings and fears helps me. Sort of sad; but thinking about the worst case scenario and working through how you would handle it (possibly even with a therapist) has helped me.
I think the biggest danger in loving, living with an addict is ‘losing yourself ‘ and like that old saying “don’t put all your eggs in one basket"; if the basket meets disaster then your completely devastated. I feel that the relationship should be a key part of your life, but it shouldn't be the only thing in your life; and ideally a person should work to become financially independent because knowing you can support yourself alleviates a lot of fear and anxiety; it won't protect your heart, but it will provide a measure of safety, and security for you, and children.
Most of the things I believe and have mentioned here, are really things that I think are important for women regardless of the relationship they are in. There are just no certainties in life. People can have accidents, become ill, take up an addiction after 10 years of marriage, infidelity can strike, or a recovering addict ( like my husband ) can relapse.
I love my husband; he is good to me and he is a great father. I'm proud to stand by and support him, but there was a time we separated during his addiction ( not simply because he used drugs; but because of his behavior ) and I truly learned from that experience, that I can make it on my own (with my son) if need be; so I feel "safer" with my husband because of that. I try to maintain a normal relationship with him based on all the common interest that brought us together in the first place. I think if too much of the relationship is focused on addiction, then the relationship and all those good things get lost, and the dynamics change to something less.
You mentioned that you read a lot; in case you haven't read it - this book has been a big help to me in learning coping strategies (while taking care of myself). It's called: get your loved one sober alternatives to nagging, pleading, and threatening by Robert Meyers
Its got roots in a method of recovery called SMART
(self management and recovery training), and the family program is called CRAFT (community reinforcement and Family Training). Its for YOU, and also deals with codependency and enabling.
If you are interested in learning more about it; there is a website, and also a forum (much like this one) which includes a specific one for family, weekly meeting, etc. These programs are supported by SR, so I can list the links for you:
Self Help Substance Abuse & Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®
SMART Self-Management And Recovery Training - Powered by vBulletin
I just wanted to mention this because its an alternative to the AA, Alanon that you tried and had mixed feeling about. Sort of tackles things from a different perspective.
Best of Luck to you on this journey. And congratulations on the new baby. My son is headed towards “1”, but I recall those early weeks with all the joys and the sleepless nights. (That part was tough).
I think if you choose to have a relationship with a functional addict; it is very similar to having a relationship with a person that has a chronic illness such as cancer. I think there are many things that you just have to accept at face value.
You want your loved one to get better, but truthfully he may not. He could die too soon, but there is also the possibility of a long life. Either way there is the possibility of many happy days together, and during the hard times; life lessons that can make you a stronger person, and without a doubt there will be days of sadness and fear.
Even functional addicts, like others with chronic illness will most likely have some limitations; social restrictions, fluctuating moods, limits on parenting abilities, safety issues when driving, etc.
It takes a special kind of person to live with someone who has a chronic illness. I think the ones that are the happiest, are the ones who have learned just as you said; they appreciate the quality time with their loved one, and they also strive to create a healthy, independent life; having it filled with friends, family, activities, work, etc. that serve to fill any emotional gaps, and provide support when needed.
As far as the symptoms you mentioned; occasional panic attacks, anxiety, compulsive acts like searching his phone; I think you first have to identify the fear that is behind this, and then work to find healthy ways to cope. I find that writing down my feelings and fears helps me. Sort of sad; but thinking about the worst case scenario and working through how you would handle it (possibly even with a therapist) has helped me.
I think the biggest danger in loving, living with an addict is ‘losing yourself ‘ and like that old saying “don’t put all your eggs in one basket"; if the basket meets disaster then your completely devastated. I feel that the relationship should be a key part of your life, but it shouldn't be the only thing in your life; and ideally a person should work to become financially independent because knowing you can support yourself alleviates a lot of fear and anxiety; it won't protect your heart, but it will provide a measure of safety, and security for you, and children.
Most of the things I believe and have mentioned here, are really things that I think are important for women regardless of the relationship they are in. There are just no certainties in life. People can have accidents, become ill, take up an addiction after 10 years of marriage, infidelity can strike, or a recovering addict ( like my husband ) can relapse.
I love my husband; he is good to me and he is a great father. I'm proud to stand by and support him, but there was a time we separated during his addiction ( not simply because he used drugs; but because of his behavior ) and I truly learned from that experience, that I can make it on my own (with my son) if need be; so I feel "safer" with my husband because of that. I try to maintain a normal relationship with him based on all the common interest that brought us together in the first place. I think if too much of the relationship is focused on addiction, then the relationship and all those good things get lost, and the dynamics change to something less.
You mentioned that you read a lot; in case you haven't read it - this book has been a big help to me in learning coping strategies (while taking care of myself). It's called: get your loved one sober alternatives to nagging, pleading, and threatening by Robert Meyers
Its got roots in a method of recovery called SMART
(self management and recovery training), and the family program is called CRAFT (community reinforcement and Family Training). Its for YOU, and also deals with codependency and enabling.
If you are interested in learning more about it; there is a website, and also a forum (much like this one) which includes a specific one for family, weekly meeting, etc. These programs are supported by SR, so I can list the links for you:
Self Help Substance Abuse & Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®
SMART Self-Management And Recovery Training - Powered by vBulletin
I just wanted to mention this because its an alternative to the AA, Alanon that you tried and had mixed feeling about. Sort of tackles things from a different perspective.
Best of Luck to you on this journey. And congratulations on the new baby. My son is headed towards “1”, but I recall those early weeks with all the joys and the sleepless nights. (That part was tough).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I had a drug problem , my husband had a drug problem & we had 2 kids.
We broke up, I got clean & my 2 kids I raise on my own & they are great children.
I've just come back from youngest ones school camp & I wouldn't have missed the kids faces on their first camp for the world. I don't think addicts make very good parents. I'm glad it has been out of my life for 6 years now.
We are here for you.
We broke up, I got clean & my 2 kids I raise on my own & they are great children.
I've just come back from youngest ones school camp & I wouldn't have missed the kids faces on their first camp for the world. I don't think addicts make very good parents. I'm glad it has been out of my life for 6 years now.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I think if you choose to have a relationship with a functional addict; it is very similar to having a relationship with a person that has a chronic illness such as cancer. I think there are many things that you just have to accept at face value.
Instead they continue to do whatever suits them, and you get to like it or lump it.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I agree with that statement for someone who is working their recovery for over a year but not for someone who is in active addiction.
IMO, living with an active addict or new to recovery is like riding a never ending roller coaster. Eventually, you will get "sick" from it.
IMO, living with an active addict or new to recovery is like riding a never ending roller coaster. Eventually, you will get "sick" from it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
