Perpetual victims?
 

Just curious. It seems that this is a common thread among addicts and I am curious if this ever stops once they are in recovery? Seems that no matter what is going on or how good things in their lives are, it is never good enough. There is always something wrong - its always someone elses fault. Now, I do realize that while they are using this is their "justification" for using more/again. But what about when they are clean/sober?

My AH is living with his mom and not working. He isn't using because, well, no transportation, no job, no money and no drug connections (yet). I got a message at 3:00 this morning about how he's tired of hearing how his mom is so "broke" since he's been there that she won't pay the $25 a month for a gym membership so he can start to feel better about himself - meanwhile also complaining about how his mom and step-dad choose to spend THEIR money. Mind you, he is 43 years old, living with his mom rent free. He has a warm house, food, and they are even keeping him in cigarettes (at a pack a day) while he contributes NOTHING. He really has NO reason to complain or play the victim, and yet he does. By my math, he should be damn greatful for what he has. He COULD get a job, but he is still justifying why he can't (trust me, I know to trust actions and not words and so far all of his actions make it clear that he IS NOT ready for recovery)

I know he is not working a recovery program and I don't know that he will. I can't control that. That is HIS choice. But -regardless of the outcome with him, I am still curious. Is this a personality trait that persists even after the drugs are gone (if in fact they are ever gone)? He's acting like a spoiled child who's mom told him he can't have the toy he wants. He's acting like he somehow "deserves" it and that it is her duty to make sure he gets what he wants - instead of working for it himself.

I know - there is no logic when dealing with an addict. But do any of these "addict" thought processes disipate over time?

The addicts whom I've met who are truly embracing recovery really do transform. These are the ones who really want to change their lives, and are willing to do whatever it takes, to do so. They may take a year or two to start seeing things clearly, but they do grow to take responsibility.

CLMI

They certainly did dissipate for me over time. However, I have been around the rooms of recovery since 1986, clean/sober since August 5, 1990, and work a program like my life depends on it because it does.

Why would he be grateful for anything he has given the fact he hasn't worked for any of it?

Simply "abstaining" from drugs does not constitute recovery in any way.

Viewing ones self as a victim is the epitome of chronic immaturity and most definitiely not limited to addicts.

Back when, when I was Codependent Extraordinaire and obsessed 24/7 with trying to fix my adult daughter, my choices caused me to base my own emotional stability and happiness on what my adult daughter did or not. In doing so, I gave up control of myself and became a victim.

You have no control over what your AH believes or does. That this 43 year old plays the " in recovery" card to avoid taking responsibility for his own life is not your problem. That his parents seem fine with doing for their son what he can and should be doing for himself is their business.

He's living his life as he sees fit to do.

What does this have to do with you?

Nothing. I was just curious. The message I got had nothing to do with me, doesn't make me mad - I'm kind of indifferent to it. But it made me curious if this is permanent - not just for him, but for other addicts as well. I also have a sister who is an alcoholic/addict who has the same attitude toward her life. How she "deserves" so much that she hasn't worked for.

I know when I met him he wasn't like this. At least not that I experienced. So it seemed (to me) that this attitude started with his increasing drug use. I was curious if this is something that can ever change - not just for him - for any addict. I know he is not in recovery. That is a different animal alltogether. He is abstaining from drugs because - well, he has no other real option right now. I'm not fooling myself into thinking he is anywhere but exactly where he is. Abstaining, in denial, and "entitled". Whatever. He's not living with me so it really has no impact on me - Other than that I still care about him.

((mfox)) - I was a victim when I was a raging codie and I was a victim when I turned to drugs because I couldn't control the A in my life.

I've been in recovery for going on 6 years, I'm STILL dealing with a lot of consequences from my using days, but I am no longer a victim. Like ((Freedom)), I've worked my recovery as if my life depends on it because it DOES.

Most of what I'm dealing with, today, I brought on myself. Stuff that I didn't bring on myself? I'm going to al-anon meetings for because I'm living with a codie/addict stepmom and codie dad.

Your AH is mad because he can't use, so "of course" it's everyone else's fault. Can't afford a gym? Go outside and walk, volunteer somewhere and help others. He's just not there yet, and there's no telling if he will ever GET there.

Good thing is, you don't have to accept or even listen to his whines.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

I just read the best quote having to do with perpetual victimhood. It's from the movie "The Lion King":

Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.
[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]
Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past.
Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.

I think perpetual victims are the ones that don't learn from their past. They are too busy running from it to take responsibility for their future.