AEXBF Must be KIDDING ME!!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
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AEXBF Must be KIDDING ME!!
After almost 2 1/2 months of no contact form my ex he called his mother to tell her to ask me to call him. He does not want to call me becuase of the restraining order I have against him, but he wants me to call him because he missed me and cannot live without me. He told his mom that he is not with his ex girlfriends who everyone dislikes but I can clearly remember his freinds showing me his face book page where he had pictures of them together. Is he for real?
I kindly told his mother to tell him I am and will not be calling him as he is still with this woman and there is no way in hell I want anything to do with him after all he put me through. He can lie all he want and try to pretend he is/was not with her but the world can beleive him I will not and thoug he said he does nto mind us not being together he still wants me in his life as I was his best friend. Well he should have considered the concequenses of his actions before he went running to his enabler all the way in Delaware. I am done and over with being lied to over and over again.
I kindly told his mother to tell him I am and will not be calling him as he is still with this woman and there is no way in hell I want anything to do with him after all he put me through. He can lie all he want and try to pretend he is/was not with her but the world can beleive him I will not and thoug he said he does nto mind us not being together he still wants me in his life as I was his best friend. Well he should have considered the concequenses of his actions before he went running to his enabler all the way in Delaware. I am done and over with being lied to over and over again.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Broken101!
I am so proud of you and you have given me guidance AS to what I should do if I get that phone call. You are right, he should have thought out his actions prior to them if he wanted to remain in your life. You should be very proud of yourself!
I am so proud of you and you have given me guidance AS to what I should do if I get that phone call. You are right, he should have thought out his actions prior to them if he wanted to remain in your life. You should be very proud of yourself!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
I am in California so laws here may be different, but the restraining orders here specifically state that it is not only a violation for him to contact you directly, it is also a violation to attempt to contact the "protected person" through a third party (his mom, mutual friends, etc). And although YOU can't get it trouble for contacting him, the order can be enforced against him even if you ARE the one who initiates contact.
Take care of YOU. Sounds like you have your boundaries established. It likely took you a long time to get here, don't throw away all the tears it took you to create them. You could tell his mom he can get in trouble for even TRYING to get messages to you. I don't imagine she wants him in more trouble than he's already created.
Take care of YOU. Sounds like you have your boundaries established. It likely took you a long time to get here, don't throw away all the tears it took you to create them. You could tell his mom he can get in trouble for even TRYING to get messages to you. I don't imagine she wants him in more trouble than he's already created.
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I just want to thank everyone for their responds I feel like I am part of an extended family where all of you guys here in SR has my best interest at heart, I cannot thank you all for the support. I know that its illegal for him to contact me or for me to contact him even via a third party, but I really don't want to be the reason he ends up locked up, I know he will get there all on his own, I just cannot live with that guilt. But I have made it clear to everyone that he is not allowed to come anywhere close to me or my family, or I just may have to call the cops.
Dolldo-I don't really keep in contact with his family anymore but I do love them as they love me, and she is sick so I told her that I will like to keep in touch to know how she is doing. She called texted me because she was admitted to the ER for high BP, so she called to let me know she was ok.
But all in all I am really over it and yes I will not forget all the tears that I shed nor the pain he caused me. There will be no future contact from him I told his mother that I really don't want to know about him but we can keep in contact for she is like a mom to me to, eventually I know I have to cut all ties. Again thanks for all the support.
Dolldo-I don't really keep in contact with his family anymore but I do love them as they love me, and she is sick so I told her that I will like to keep in touch to know how she is doing. She called texted me because she was admitted to the ER for high BP, so she called to let me know she was ok.
But all in all I am really over it and yes I will not forget all the tears that I shed nor the pain he caused me. There will be no future contact from him I told his mother that I really don't want to know about him but we can keep in contact for she is like a mom to me to, eventually I know I have to cut all ties. Again thanks for all the support.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Just a quick update, Jay came down from DE to NJ to visit family and he got arrested for driving with a suspended license. I knew that I did not have to do much that he would get himself in trouble sooner or later. You know what they say about Karma.
But I am fighting just to drive down there and bail him out. I don't want him there, he will lose his job and I know how much he hates it. Please just tell me I should just leave him there, tell me he is not my responsibility. This is driving me crazy.
But I am fighting just to drive down there and bail him out. I don't want him there, he will lose his job and I know how much he hates it. Please just tell me I should just leave him there, tell me he is not my responsibility. This is driving me crazy.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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broken, you know the right thing to do, although you may feel uncomfortable with him being there it will give him some time to think and maybe that will be good for him his HP has a plan stay out of the way.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Thanks guys
He has been there since Friday night so I think the time alone will be good for him, its not like he going to be there for a long time he'll be out in a couple days. I hope he is starting to learn his lessons.
He has been there since Friday night so I think the time alone will be good for him, its not like he going to be there for a long time he'll be out in a couple days. I hope he is starting to learn his lessons.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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"I don't want him there, he will lose his job and I know how much he hates it. Please just tell me I should just leave him there, tell me he is not my responsibility. This is driving me crazy"
Okay. You should just leave him there, and he is not your resposibility.
Let's look at this: YOU know how much he hates it (being in jail? losing his job?) and YOU don't want him there. So you have enough still invested in this relationship to care and to know what affects him. Is it reciprocal?
Would he say, "I know I will lose my job, and my dear Broken doesn't want me in jail and it's driving her crazy. What have I done to myself and my relationship with Broken? How can I fix this?"
At any point in the past has your racing to rescue him out of whatever situation he has gotten himself into resulted in him having a Come-to-Jesus meeting with himself and getting sober for longer than three days?
Catlovermi's advice to sit with your discomfort is excellent (but hard, I know). I think any time those of us of the codependent persuasion have to sit on their hands rather than jump up to fix things that are none of their business (because everything is our business) is very uncomfortable.
God bless you, girlfriend. You're giving yourself the respect that your ex hasn't. You rock.
Okay. You should just leave him there, and he is not your resposibility.
Let's look at this: YOU know how much he hates it (being in jail? losing his job?) and YOU don't want him there. So you have enough still invested in this relationship to care and to know what affects him. Is it reciprocal?
Would he say, "I know I will lose my job, and my dear Broken doesn't want me in jail and it's driving her crazy. What have I done to myself and my relationship with Broken? How can I fix this?"
At any point in the past has your racing to rescue him out of whatever situation he has gotten himself into resulted in him having a Come-to-Jesus meeting with himself and getting sober for longer than three days?
Catlovermi's advice to sit with your discomfort is excellent (but hard, I know). I think any time those of us of the codependent persuasion have to sit on their hands rather than jump up to fix things that are none of their business (because everything is our business) is very uncomfortable.
God bless you, girlfriend. You're giving yourself the respect that your ex hasn't. You rock.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
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You bail him out they come after you for the money.
Don't do it.
Leave him in there. It's where he belongs. Let HIM figure it out.
He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions.
The reason people never learn is because someone is always there to bail them out. (No pun intended but this phrase is seriously appropriate here)
Don't do it.
Leave him in there. It's where he belongs. Let HIM figure it out.
He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions.
The reason people never learn is because someone is always there to bail them out. (No pun intended but this phrase is seriously appropriate here)
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Ok, let's just do a quick look at the facts.
A woman has had such a bad relationship with her ex that she had to get law enforcement involved with him and a restraining order was upheld by a judge. This man is now consorting with another woman, and having his mom contact the ex in violation of said restraining order.
In another lapse of judgement, he now gets himself arrested, and despite the restraining order, she just cannot stay away from HIM enough that she is still in communication and finds out about his arrest.
Unprompted, her first reaction is to run back to this abusive man and bail him out of jail, because he doesn't like it there.
broken, what do you think?
A woman has had such a bad relationship with her ex that she had to get law enforcement involved with him and a restraining order was upheld by a judge. This man is now consorting with another woman, and having his mom contact the ex in violation of said restraining order.
In another lapse of judgement, he now gets himself arrested, and despite the restraining order, she just cannot stay away from HIM enough that she is still in communication and finds out about his arrest.
Unprompted, her first reaction is to run back to this abusive man and bail him out of jail, because he doesn't like it there.
broken, what do you think?
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Hey Branches, thank you and no I don't think that the feelings are reciprocated, and in the past when I was there for him he has never changed.
The story is that he came to visit his mother in NJ and he was hoping that I will let him visit me. He was willing to take the risk to come see me even with the restraining order, and no I am not saying "oh how sweet". He told his mother that he was very sorry of what he did and was willing to do everything to get me back even if it means going to counseling alone or me going with him to couple counseling. He assure everyone that he was not doing drugs and that he was not with this other woman. He said he saw her and posted the picture on his face book just to hurt me. Why would someone want to hurt another that why? I am not going to counseling with anyone but myself, he needs to get his life in order regardless if I am in his life or not.
And DoubleBarrel, I know what it looks like and I know I kept in touch with his mother not only because I love her as my own but and I am only just going to admit this but to know what's going on with him. I am fighting with this but as soon as hurricane Sandy passes I am going to get my number changed again and its going to kill me but cut ALL contact with him.
The story is that he came to visit his mother in NJ and he was hoping that I will let him visit me. He was willing to take the risk to come see me even with the restraining order, and no I am not saying "oh how sweet". He told his mother that he was very sorry of what he did and was willing to do everything to get me back even if it means going to counseling alone or me going with him to couple counseling. He assure everyone that he was not doing drugs and that he was not with this other woman. He said he saw her and posted the picture on his face book just to hurt me. Why would someone want to hurt another that why? I am not going to counseling with anyone but myself, he needs to get his life in order regardless if I am in his life or not.
And DoubleBarrel, I know what it looks like and I know I kept in touch with his mother not only because I love her as my own but and I am only just going to admit this but to know what's going on with him. I am fighting with this but as soon as hurricane Sandy passes I am going to get my number changed again and its going to kill me but cut ALL contact with him.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by broken101 
But I am fighting just to drive down there and bail him out. I don't want him there, he will lose his job and I know how much he hates it. Please just tell me I should just leave him there, tell me he is not my responsibility. This is driving me crazy.
Or I can give the detached non-codependent answer: he is responsible for his own messes and rescuing him from his consequences is not going to help him.
Take your pick, but bottom line is my vote is let him stay in jail.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
all in favour of him staying in jail to accept responsibility for his actions say AYE. (i doubt you will find anyone against this action broken)
broken let me tell you something about myself. im am very good at lying to myself about what i am doing and why. it all sounds above board and perfect, sweet and sincere. but deep down there is always an underlying reason about the REAL reason. codies are very good at this. im just calling to see if you need anything as im going to the shops (real reason...i want to hear your voice and see if you are missing me and want to see me tonight...to pick up what i got you from the shops)...or in your case...im just staying in touch with his mum because she is like a mum to me and i care about her (when you know that isnt the REAL reason). i will change my number after Sandy. i always gave myself future dates too, and then there was a reason why i didnt do that...and either buried the idea, or changed the date til i buried the idea.
to me, the hardest thing a codie has to change, is the self lying. when we stop doing that, then the real changes occur.
good luck and stay safe during Sandy.
broken let me tell you something about myself. im am very good at lying to myself about what i am doing and why. it all sounds above board and perfect, sweet and sincere. but deep down there is always an underlying reason about the REAL reason. codies are very good at this. im just calling to see if you need anything as im going to the shops (real reason...i want to hear your voice and see if you are missing me and want to see me tonight...to pick up what i got you from the shops)...or in your case...im just staying in touch with his mum because she is like a mum to me and i care about her (when you know that isnt the REAL reason). i will change my number after Sandy. i always gave myself future dates too, and then there was a reason why i didnt do that...and either buried the idea, or changed the date til i buried the idea.
to me, the hardest thing a codie has to change, is the self lying. when we stop doing that, then the real changes occur.
good luck and stay safe during Sandy.
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