Letter to my drug addict. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 10-23-2012, 11:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Letter to my drug addict.


Dear Mom,
I hate you.
Luckily for you and unluckily for me I also love you. For now the I love you outweighs the I hate you, but I estimate by New Years the hate will have eaten the love.
I've read, and read, and read up on how to help a meth addict and so far the best advice I've heard was to make the fear of using outweigh the fear of withdraw. Because of that I am going to make you a number of promises that WILL happen based on your behavior.
Blank has asked me to invite you to Thanksgiving at their house. I will extend the invitation to big brother and little brother, but if you get to come it will be because you are clean. The same applies to stepdad. I will try to cook too, so I pray you will come.
I would like to spend Christmas here with you, stepdad, little brother and big brother but will not if you are high.
Come New Years I will disown you should you still be returning to your drug. This will mean for the rest of my life I will not have a mother.
There will be no mother of the bride at my wedding. You will not see me when I am pregnant with your grandchild (and I only plan to have one so you must not miss it), you will not be there in the waiting room when it is born. You will never hold it, speak to it, and it will never know you. You will no be invited to a birthday and the only way you'll hear about the child is through rumors.
The child will grow thinking you never existed to save him or her or her from the pain me, big brother and little brother have had to endure throughout our lives.
If by some chance I hear you are on your death bed years from now, I will not go to see you. I will not be at the funearl, and I will not spread the ashes.
I also promise that when I am financially capable and little brother is 18 I will take him away from you. Then you will only have big brother and he will probably leave you too.
Do you want to be alone like that for the rest of your life? I know I wouldn't.

You only have one daughter, don't loose me now.

Now if I could I'd wish on stars and genies and pray to god to cure you with a snap of my fingers but it isn't that easy.
Nothing ever is.
I don't expect you to just be able to drop it without any trouble. I don't expect you not to stmuble. I don't expect you not to want to give up. I see the pain it causes you and I am willing to throw my heart, my mind, my body, my soul and everything I have into it to get you clean.
I want a mother of the bride. I want my children to have a grandmother. I want to be beside you on your death bed, and spread your ashes.
I do.
But I need you to PROVE to me that you are ready to stick it out. To get clean. FOREVER!
You are not allowed to relapse.
Ever, or all those promises will come to pass.
And I am ready to pack up and go. Don't think for a second that I'm not strong enough to move on and forget you because I am. I've always been strong to tough out all the **** that's been thrown at me. I've been strong when I should have been allowed to be weak. So don't for a second think you'll win this one.
You will not.
Don't risk loosing me because it's a risk you cannot afford to take.

I won't use guilt, or pity or blame to get you clean. Once you are I'll let you hear all of the horrible secrets I've so flawlessly kept because you were to high to realize I was falling apart.

When you need help, ask! Ask and I will do everything I can to help you within reason.

Finally.
You have to be clean by Thanksgiving. You have 30 days.
You have to be clean by Christmas. You have 62 days.
You must be clean by December 31st, 2012 in 69 days and never, ever go back to the drugs or you will loose me forever

Sincerely,
The daughter you will loose in 69 days.


Names have been omitted for privacy reasons. Thoughts are appreciated. I need to give her the letter today.
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Old 10-23-2012, 11:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I hate to say it, but a letter like that will only be an excuse for her to use. Addicts use any and every excuse they can.

Ultimatums to an addict are useless. The drug will always win.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but honestly, there is nothing you can say or do that will make her ready for recovery. Please take the time to read around this forum and also our Friends and Family forums. You are not alone. Welcome to SR.

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Old 10-23-2012, 11:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Your letter just breaks my heart for the pain you are in. Sadly, her addiction is her number one love and she can not quit for you! I am sure she loves you very much but addiction is just that powerful. It's hard for many of us to understand but addicts are not using drug at us. It's not personal, like we think it is. Their brains have changed and it does everything it can to protect and sustain their addiction.

You certainly have the right to have firm boundaries about what is acceptable to you and in your life but threats and ultimatums are not boundaries and will not help her or you!

Have you ever thought about going to Naranon or Alanon? Maybe a good therapist who understands addiction?

ETA : Weolcome to SR. As always, I am sorry for what brings you here.
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Old 10-23-2012, 11:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I can feel your pain in your letter. Much of what you have written might very well be your mother's future. Reading about it is not going to get through to her--her addiction makes sure it doesn't get through to her. What may get through to your mother are the experiences you describe. Your mother must feel the pain of all those losses to be able to say (hopefully someday) enough. Your words simply are not powerful enough--but life experience is. So set boundaries with your mother. Maybe she will come to her senses someday.
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Old 10-23-2012, 12:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for the replies everyone but this isn't just a letter to her but a reminder to myself that my foot is down and won't be budged. The ultimatums are to an extent useless but it's more of a reminder that I'm giving her when I get her into rehab. There is a talk I'm going to have with her when I give her this and she does want to quit and has attempted alone a few times she's stayed clean for a year or so. We're doing a lot more letters and I'm getting the whole family in. She's also getting the letter sober to help her remember what she's fighting for. I have to go away for a few days and want this to rest heavy on her heart while I'm gone.
This is also to remind my mom that my little brother agreed that when I throw in the towel so will he. He was also addicted to meth for a while and managed to clean up and has been on a crusade with me to help my mom. We also have family friends who have been in rehab and even counselors that are ready to help me as well. Amazingly for free. I've got a whole team and this letter is just one of the walls I'm putting up around her along with the counselors and family and rehab.
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluejaybruise View Post
Dear Mom,
I love you.
I've read, and read, and read up on how to help a meth addict and so far the best advice I've heard was to make the fear of using outweigh the fear of withdraw.

I would like to spend Christmas here with you, stepdad, little brother and big brother but will not if you are high.

Now if I could I'd wish on stars and genies and pray to god to cure you with a snap of my fingers but it isn't that easy.
Nothing ever is.

I want a mother of the bride. I want my children to have a grandmother. I want to be beside you on your death bed, and spread your ashes. I do.

When you need help, ask! Ask and I will do everything I can to help you within reason. Finally.

Sincerely,
daughter
This is what is left after removing the guilt, threats, and manipulation.

You are certainly allowed your feelings of hurt, it sure sounds like you've earned them.

You've come to a good place to vent and learn how to deal with our side of the addiction process. It's all here, just keep reading.
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Old 10-27-2012, 05:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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That wont work. She'll just feel rejected n use even more. Keep posting n get some support for you also xxx
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Old 10-28-2012, 12:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I feel the pain, in your letter I am sorry your hurting so bad I agree the letter will not work even if she is sober when you give it to her. We can not love the addict enough to make them stop even if they wanna stop addiction is very powerful stuff.

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it.

Your caught in the manipulation dance and that never works.
What does work well your mom has to hit her rock bottom when or how that will happen only her HP knows but you can save YOU maybe attend some meetings for you?
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Old 10-29-2012, 08:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi Bluejaybruise:

I read your letter and it not only broke my heart, but reminded me of what is happening in my life right now.

In 2010 I got a call from a social worker asking if we would take our great-grandchild in as she was being put up for adoption. We didn't know the child and she didn't know us, but we took her in. We adopted her last year. She is now 5 years old. She is a beautiful child.

Her mother and father are both drug addicts. You would think that having this beautiful child would be enough to make them stop right? Wrong, they not only have not stopped but have gone on to have two more children that were adopted out!

In short, there is nothing we can do or say to stop them from using drugs. It's their call, in their time. If losing your children is not lesson enough, I doubt there would be anything we can use to wake them up.

Take care of you, never give up hope, but don't waste another minute trying to help someone that doesn't want help.

Prayers heading your way,

Devastated
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