Blogs


Notices

Just Gave The No-Contact Order

Old 10-23-2012, 06:35 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
skarletstarlet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Angry Just Gave The No-Contact Order

Hello!

So my alcoholic fiance and I went to counselling. I don't believe the counsellor understood the extent of the drinking because she told me I have to give him one day a week to do whatever he wants (even if it means being drunk!)

I went after that on my own and she fully understood and told me to give him an ultimatum so I did. I wrote it out and gave him until Oct 29th to seek treatment. He hasn't made any attempts and has had two or three major episodes (along with many minor) in the past two weeks since I gave it to him.

Last night and the night prior were two major incidents. Both times he texted me while he was drunk. The first night he asked me to go back to my ex (haven't spoken to in 6 years.) Soon after, one of my best guy friends happened to ask if I wanted to go for coffee because we haven't seen each other since we graduated. I said yes since AF told me to get lost.

Yesterday morning he was texting me so I informed him of this coffee arrangement. He was upset so I told him, in all fairness, you shouldn't be saying things you don't mean if you don't mean them and maybe you should think twice before you tell me to get lost. He said he understood.

Last night, he was drinking and texted me 30 (yes 30) times while I was out for dinner with a girlfriend. I didn't respond because I left my phone at home on charge. He accused me of ditching my friend and instead having sex with the waiter (who was female, and I don't swing that way) and told me to go have sex with my male best friend since "I probably already have and he will find out soon."

What the heck is it about addiction that makes such a loving person so nasty and vindictive? I have never thought about cheating, but today I gave the "I am lovingly detaching myself from you" spiel in which I told him to not contact me until he is sober and receiving treatment for such a debilitating sickness.

And now I feel sick to my stomach.
skarletstarlet is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to skarletstarlet For This Useful Post:
Lara (10-23-2012)
Old 10-23-2012, 07:34 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
kmangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
At least you are fighting this battle before marriage and not after. Things always get worse with addiction. If you don't like what's going on now you probably wont like what your future holds for you married to this man.

Even if he should decide to go into treatment and come out clean, it will still take time for him to work on himself. Rehab is only the first step in a life long process. I wouldn't trust him for a very long time. At this point even if he did go into treatment, it would be for your reasons not his. Addicts must want to get help for themselves, not anyone else, for it to work. At this point he has until October 29, he just might go into some treatment place (for you, not him), come out, but not really be in any better place than he is today (clean, but not of the right mindset). I think if he had perhaps taken your ultimatum seriously he would have agreed he needed help and done something about it right away--not go on drunken binges. So count yourself lucky that you caught this before marriage. It will only get worse IMO otherwise.
kmangel is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to kmangel For This Useful Post:
skarletstarlet (10-23-2012)
Old 10-23-2012, 08:52 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
interrupted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 497
Good for you for doing what's best for yourself and your sanity. I'm sorry it has to hurt so bad.

I'm sort of at a loss for words about the counselor suggesting that an addict arrange some sort of "abuse once a week" plan - uh, what?? Wow.
interrupted is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to interrupted For This Useful Post:
skarletstarlet (10-23-2012)
Old 10-23-2012, 08:55 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
If I recall, you have 2 young children and are living with your parents. Active alcoholics/addicts and those new to recovery make lousy partners and especially lousy parents. Bravo to you for putting the best interests of your children before your interests in him.

It's curious that this therapist suggested you give him an ultimatum because attempts to control/change other people do not work and lead to mutual resentments.

He's living his life as he chooses to do. Nothing you can say or do is going to get him sober or prevent a relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

All things considered, does it really matter what he thinks or how he chooses to rationalize his behaviors? Only thing you control here is your own reaction. If his drunken texts are offensive, block him or change your phone number.

Your happiness does not depend on him. You can choose to be happy and get on with your own life. Until you are ready to take back control, expect more of the same from him.
outtolunch is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to outtolunch For This Useful Post:
skarletstarlet (10-23-2012)
Old 10-23-2012, 12:12 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
skarletstarlet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by kmangel View Post
At this point he has until October 29, he just might go into some treatment place (for you, not him), come out, but not really be in any better place than he is today (clean, but not of the right mindset).
I think you are right here. He has been to an alcohol detox twice and nothing has transpired. He has all the phone numbers to the rehabilitative places in our area but "can't stay sober for the required time."
skarletstarlet is offline  
Old 10-23-2012, 12:14 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
skarletstarlet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by interrupted View Post
Good for you for doing what's best for yourself and your sanity. I'm sorry it has to hurt so bad.

I'm sort of at a loss for words about the counselor suggesting that an addict arrange some sort of "abuse once a week" plan - uh, what?? Wow.
I agree! I think she didn't know the extent to it. I didn't bring up the drinking because I thought, if he really thinks its a problem he will say so. She asked "Why do you think you are here?" and he said "because of my drinking, mostly" but we left it at that. He also said he drinks "to enhance fun things like gaming" (???????) is that even a valid reason to drink everyday? lol
skarletstarlet is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to skarletstarlet For This Useful Post:
interrupted (10-23-2012)
Old 10-23-2012, 12:15 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
skarletstarlet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
If I recall, you have 2 young children and are living with your parents. Active alcoholics/addicts and those new to recovery make lousy partners and especially lousy parents. Bravo to you for putting the best interests of your children before your interests in him.

It's curious that this therapist suggested you give him an ultimatum because attempts to control/change other people do not work and lead to mutual resentments.

He's living his life as he chooses to do. Nothing you can say or do is going to get him sober or prevent a relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
It definitely feels good to have done this today. He has not contacted me, which I am happy about, but confused about as well because he is usually completely apologetic and freaking out the next day in attempts to make it better. Either he is still asleep or IDK. I don't even want to know anymore.
skarletstarlet is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to skarletstarlet For This Useful Post:
outtolunch (10-24-2012)
Old 10-23-2012, 03:47 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
IMO you need to focus on your children, not him. He is an active user,not relationship or parent
material. Go no contact, block his texts, block his e's, do whatever you need to do to move on
from him. You are too young to be wasting your time with this guy, your children deserve so much better.
dollydo is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
Leise (10-23-2012), outtolunch (10-24-2012), skarletstarlet (10-23-2012)
Old 10-23-2012, 09:16 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
skarletstarlet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
I went out for dinner today with a male friend. I think he wants something more than friendship... but the entire time I was thinking its too soon. Not only is it too soon, I can't see myself with anyone else. It hurts. My XAF is sorely missed.

I want him to know I miss him so much and am not seeing anyone else like he thinks I am.

Is there a stage of alcoholism when the addict starts believing things that are untrue? Today he sent another slew of messages but they were very direct like "I know you have cheated on me, it took a while to admit but I have come to terms with it" (?????????) but in the same block of texts he says "I will miss you very much, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I was the worst thing that ever happened to you"

NO! If you thought I was cheating on you - you wouldn't miss me! It is now starting to become psychosis
skarletstarlet is offline  
Old 10-24-2012, 06:03 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are trying to reason with an unreasonable person, keeping in contact with him serves
no purpose but to upset yourself.

He is not right in the head, you will never convince him of anything, he lives in a imaginary world, one he self creates in his head.
dollydo is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
interrupted (10-24-2012), outtolunch (10-24-2012)
Old 10-24-2012, 07:41 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He's delusional. Not anything you can do about this beyond blocking his number.
outtolunch is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:08 PM.