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One year later, things are MUCH worse. Need support

Old 10-21-2012, 09:02 AM
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One year later, things are MUCH worse. Need support

A year ago my family confronted my brother & his wife about their heroin habit. They made it appear as though they were getting help, but it was for show. Just recently, things hit a bottom for her, but not him. She's now living with her dad; my brother is living on the street and is now shooting crack.

His phone was stolen and he checked himself out of the shelter he was staying at, so we have no way of getting in touch with him. He's a 15 hour drive from me. I almost made the drive this weekend to find him, but logic got the better of me as I was about to walk out the door.

I KNOW that there's nothing we can do for him until he's ready, but I'm now kicking my self for not driving up there and at least trying. I KNOW the very best I could hope for is to slow him down for a day or two and change up his environment. I KNOW I could drive him to the middle of nowhere and he'll find a hookup.

At this point I am expecting, and am at terms with, getting the phone call that his body was found. My mother and sister are not; they are a lot more rational now than they were a year ago, but it would still tear them apart. I want to help him for them, not for him. This sucks!
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:58 AM
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Dear Josephus, I am so sorry you are going through this. My AS was living on the streets and we had no contact with him for 4 months. During that time, I had absolutely no idea if he was alive, dead, hurt or anything. It is very difficult dealing with an addict and one can only let HP handle it. I also will let you know that my AS is now in jail and I hope he finally hit his bottom. I pray for you and your family to find peace and acceptance of what IS.
Hugs,
TT
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Old 10-21-2012, 11:36 AM
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I'm sorry you are going through this. Many times I hunted down my son on the street, and each time we ended up going for a meal and coffee, then he went back to the street because he was not ready for help.

He has been missing, lost in his addiction, for 8 years now. Some people ask me why I don't go look for him, and my answer is always "and if I find him, then what?" I don't want a front row seat to his addictive lifestyle. If/when he gets clean, he knows how to contact me and I am certain he would.

So for now, I begin my days with a prayer asking God to take care of him and to do for him what I cannot. Then I live my life well, as life is meant to be lived, and I live in faith instead of fear. I spent too many years in that dark abyss of fear and I refuse to go back there ever again. My faith is my light and it sees me through each day.

I will keep your brother in my prayers too, that one day soon he will choose a better path.

Hugs
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Old 10-21-2012, 11:41 AM
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I'm so sorry, it's heartbreaking to read of your stuggle.
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Old 10-21-2012, 11:43 AM
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I am someone struggling with an addict brother myself. You are not alone. There is nothing you can do. It does suck and I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Some of my posts have som great advice given to me if you want to read them. I am trying to follow that. praying for you and your family.
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Old 10-21-2012, 02:38 PM
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Addict sister, over 20 years things have only declined. Many times my dad rushed out to her, to track her down on the street and try to clean her up at great financial, emotional and physical cost to him. Not one bit of it has done any good. Her son was in foster care for three years. Her social worker told us she would ask for help and he would spend alot of time and energy getting her into rehab programs, only for her to back out and walk away. This is my little sister who I was almost a surrogate mother to our entire childhood. In fact we took her in for two years, back when she wasnt this bad, had her clean and working for two years. She had a job, car, money in the bank, clothes... She had a niece who adored her and we developed a close relationship again. She would make comments all the time on jow boring the "straight life" is. One day she hooked up with an old meth buddy and went back to her old life. That was 12 years ago. I have been so beaten down by her, I cant do anymore.

It is heartbreaking, frightening, confusing and it is so hard when you see other family members suffer. You absolutely can not save a drowning person who will not even put forth the effort yo grab the life raft. They will latch onto you, drown you and move on to the next good hearted soul. Unless he calls out to his family for real help- not money with no strings or a place to crash with no obligation- you can do anything you think will help and it will not.
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Old 10-21-2012, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Many times I hunted down my son on the street, and each time we ended up going for a meal and coffee, then he went back to the street because he was not ready for help.

He has been missing, lost in his addiction, for 8 years now. Some people ask me why I don't go look for him, and my answer is always "and if I find him, then what?"
Many of the people who ask this have seen one too many Lifetime movies; you know, the one where the loving dedicated mother searches the street, finds her child, beats off the drug dealers, drags the kid into treatment, and they all live happily ever after.

Such movies do us a disservice.

We are really helpless; we need to give ourselves permission to do nothing. I wish they'd make a realistic movie, one where doing nothing turns out to be the right thing. Not just for the addict but for the rest of the family. Because the rest of the family is important too.

OP, I'm so sorry you have these dilemma. Just know that you must not reproach yourself no matter what happens because you did not go on a wild goose chase 15 hours away in dangerous and near impossible conditions.

Many, many hugs.
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Old 10-21-2012, 05:36 PM
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You are not supposed to go find him and help him. You cannot help him. Perhaps you would feel better if you went to an OPEN NA meeting and ask those poor struggling souls " can I help my brother?". I'm sure you will get the same answer....you cannot help. Take a moment to close your eyes and visualize wrapping him in a soft blanket and raising him up to your HP. Place him in His hands and ask him to take care of him. This situation may not end the way you wish, but it will end the way is made to. Have Faith. I will pray for you, because I know from personal experience how heart wrenching this is. .be strong.
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Old 10-22-2012, 07:50 AM
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Thank you everyone. This IS tough, but your experience does help. You know... we all read the books, forums, and hear from others who have 'been there done that' but it's difficult sometimes to know for sure that they are all right and we want to be the one exception. I'm coming to terms with this.
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Old 10-22-2012, 08:04 AM
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Originally Posted by joephus View Post
Thank you everyone. This IS tough, but your experience does help. You know... we all read the books, forums, and hear from others who have 'been there done that' but it's difficult sometimes to know for sure that they are all right and we want to be the one exception. I'm coming to terms with this.
Please keep posting, we are all stuggling with wanting to be the exception at some point in this recovery.

Katie
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Old 10-22-2012, 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted by joephus View Post
Thank you everyone. This IS tough, but your experience does help. You know... we all read the books, forums, and hear from others who have 'been there done that' but it's difficult sometimes to know for sure that they are all right and we want to be the one exception. I'm coming to terms with this.
Well said. You are somehow able to get to the heart of things with your words. It helps me. Thank you. 70X7
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Old 10-23-2012, 05:08 AM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this nightmare - something that I went thru 20x+ (going to look for him, sitting at the bars with him so he didn't drink and drive, worried sick when he'd disappear for days, or wouldn't come home after work or....list goes on and on) before I said "enough" and let go. His family let him crash at their place and as a result, a month and a half later of being there, he was found dead of an overdose...

He was in the "safest" place (his mums) and still died.

This is a sad example of how we don't have control over anyone but ourselves.

Hugs to you and your family and everyone here this morning.
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