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my husband relapsed on crack cocaine

Old 10-21-2012, 07:51 AM
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Unhappy my husband relapsed on crack cocaine

hi, i am new to this site but feel like i have no where else to go. i have been with my husband for 8 years. we have 2 beautiful children together and he is addicted to crack cocaine. 3 years ago, he admitted to me that he had been lying for a year and was addicted. He began NA and got sober. after a year of NA he stop going. but was still sober. another year passed and he began to socially drink around friends. i knew in my heart then that things were going down hill. 2 weeks ago money staarted coming out of our accounts in the middle of the night when he was supposedly at work. i confronted him and gave him a drug test 2 days ago and OF COURSE IT WAS POSITIVE. i am not sure what to do, where to go, how to help him, how to shield my babies, and how to learn to heal again. he is staying at his parents for a trial seperation the past few days. i want to show him what it will be like without his wife and kids around. i just want a wake up call. he is starting back meetings and i am going to join naranon. but i dont know what to do. i feel as if the families always suffer more. the addict gets praise for being clean and the family has to learn trust and forgive all over again when we didnt do anything wrong in the first place. i feel soo angry, betrayed, broken hearted and scared for our future.
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Old 10-21-2012, 08:34 AM
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((Shatteredheart)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm a codependent in recovery as well as a recovering crack addict.

I recommend you read around, especially the "stickies" - posts at the top of the forum. It's what I did when I came here and found out that others were dealing with very similar situations.

I would also recommend you do whatever you can to keep the money out of his hands - move it into an account he doesn't know about. Crack is an expensive habit and most will also pawn/sell everything in the house to get money.

I don't mean to be a downer, but this is my reality - I didn't do the stealing, but my crack-addict bf wouldn't think twice about it.

I've been working my recoveries for over 5-1/2 years, but just recently started going to al-anon meetings because of my stepmom's pill addiction. Al-anon meetings are more frequent and though it's for friends/family of alcoholics, I was welcomed and found to others there who are there because their loved one is a crack addict.

Keep reading and posting, sweetie. You may hear things you don't want to - I did at the beginning, but later realized they were right, I just wasn't ready to hear it. We do care, and you are not alone.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:01 AM
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Welcome to SR but as always I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I am so sorry for your pain and hurt but you have come to a great site for help.

Cynical One has a great blog. There is a lot of great information on crack and crack/sex addiction. I have talked to a girl friend whose husband is addicted to crack and she verifies it all.

I am not trying to make your situation worse. I just think knowledge is power when making our decisions. Less then 3% recover from crack for life. Less then 10% of addicts recover for life. Addiction is just that powerful.

Keep posting and reading, it is very helpful!! Also, Codependent No More is a great book to learn more about YOU!
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:09 AM
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ShatteredHeart, welcome to SR.

I agree with the recommendations that Amy has already given. I have also found Alanon to be an invaluable resource in dealing with the addict in my life, my 34-year-old daughter.

As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic myself (22+ years), I can tell you that complacency is the enemy of recovering addicts.

I used/drank again after 4 years of recovery, and I had become terminally unique in my mind. I no longer had to do what others did in NA/AA...that was for them, not me.

I disregarded any warnings that my sponsor had repeatedly given me.

I was involved in a dysfunctional relationship with another "recovering" addict, and I completely lost myself in the process.

Today I am convinced that another relapse will spell death for me.

I would also recommend two books for you that I have taken much from...."Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

I know this is all so overwhelming and stressful for you. Please know you have landed in a terrific place for support.

Sending you hugs of support on the Kansas winds!
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:20 AM
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ShatteredHeart, I'm new, too. People here really get it, and are very kind even if painfully honest at times. In my situation, it's a husband drinking after 18 years sober.

The practical advice about money/valuables is very good. If money is an issue, you can get most of the books recommended at the library or a used bookstore. I know this is a hard and painful thing, but take care of yourself and the kids before you help him. I ache for you...
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:38 AM
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thank you all for the encouraging words. it makes me cry to just see people even read my story. i will definitely look into those books. as i sit here my husband came home to get a few more clothes. i gave dates and times of NA meetings and he says "well i have a softball game today, lots of work, and hockey game tonight so i will go tomm." am i wrong to be angry about this, i know this is his addiction, but if you put if off, you wont go. he is reading his NA book and writing alot in a journal but i still believe meetings are a must today. sometimes i cant even look at him then other times i want to hug him and say everything will be ok. i feel like if i say or do the worng thing i am enabling him. my kids need daddy around, i need my husband around. But at what cost? am i doing the right thing by making him stay elsewhere for the time being?
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Old 10-21-2012, 10:08 AM
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Meetings will not keep him clean, only his will and desire can. HE has to want it. I know it's hard, but you have to step back from his addiction and his recovery and work on you.

My husband was going to meetings daily and meeting with his sponsor AND had relapsed. No one knew but him. He tested out the 1 is too many and a 1000 will never be enough saying. He lost that test. Fortunately for him, he knew he was in trouble and reached for help. I will give his NA friends a lot of credi. They came right over, talked to him, took him to a meeting and have been a great source of strength and hope for him. Many, not all, truly do care.
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Old 10-21-2012, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by ShatteredHeart View Post
am i doing the right thing by making him stay elsewhere for the time being?
Let me share a couple of things with you in regard to having an active addict in the house.

My addicted daughter lived the first 3 years of her life with the insanity and chaos of my addictions. Her father who was/is a good man threw his hands up and divorced me (and understandably so).

Her stepfather, my EXAH, came into her life shortly after I was divorced, and she was exposed to the insanity of two adults in active addictions for five years.

Children are like sponges, regardless of the age. They absorb every negative emotion flying around in a dysfunctional household. I have watched this with both of my grandchildren from birth on, with their addicted mother.

My addict daughter is forever scarred by what I exposed her to, and now she has passed that on to her two children.

It took a long time to forgive myself, and what keeps me heading forward and not guilt-tripping myself over past parenting is the fact that she knows what recovery looks like. She grew up around the rooms and fellowship of AA/NA.

For now, she chooses not to embrace recovery.

You are the only voice those beautiful children have.

Stand strong, and I guarantee those children will come to realize which parent has provided a healthy and loving environment for them.
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Old 10-21-2012, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by ShatteredHeart View Post
the addict gets praise for being clean and the family has to learn trust and forgive all over again when we didnt do anything wrong in the first place. e.
This is why Al/nar Anon groups are so beneficial. You will get the support you desire in such a group.
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