FindingErica

This is the BS nonsense my AH is pulling. First he is coming, then he isnt, then he is. Here are his emails:

Oct 10:
I'm coming the last weekend of the month. I told Blake I would fly in early on Friday the 26 and he was happy with that. Then I'll drop them all off sometime Sunday afternoon.

Oct 11:
Thanks to you I'll no longer be able to rent a car because I have no credit card because you closed them. I could have paid the balance down on one but you just had to rip me a new one didn't you! Now I can't get another card. I'm not blaming you, just your crazy alter ego. Great, good going Einstein.

(Oct 15 I ask for clarification because he told the kids he was coming.)

Oct 16:
I'm not flying up any more until I get a new credit card which doesn't seem anytime soon. Thanks mainly to you closing the 2 I had in my name which you had right doing! So tell my son why his dad is not picking him up. No credit card = no car rental. Thanks!

Oct 18:
Hmmm, if I only had a credit card so I could rent a car to pick my kids up, yep that would have been nice. But some how the only two cards I had forever got shut off, not by me of course nor did the bank shut them off on their own. I know i called to ask. Now I can't rent a car, so I can't pick my kids up a take them anywhere so I not coming. Please explain this to the kids why their dad isn't coming up next weekend. Your so well versed and prefect in all your ways, I'm sure you'll figure out again to super duper clever reason again to pin this excuse on me, so knock your self out johnny letdown. And be sure to really install in them the resentment and bitterness in them that you have. Remember, gotta make the kids a splitting image of the momma.
Have a great day.

Oct 18
You hurt me = hurting the kids = hurting yourself

Oct 20:
Since you shut off my credit cards, I need you to use the one you have to

Oct 20:
Im flying in on Friday, I'll gonna pick up the kids after 10 please have them ready. If I can't rent a car with my debit card, I'm gonna need you to use your card to get my rental car cool?

To clarify I didnt shut off both cards, nor do I have any cards left at my disposal.

This was my reply today:

As you already cancelled for this weekend, I made alternative plans with the kids. The weekend of Nov 3 and all alternating weekends thereafter were our actual agreed upon schedule, hence to avoid any future conflicts I'd appreciate notification once firm plans are in place.

Katiekate

((((Erica)))))

Such typical stuff.

I like your reply, he needs to man up.

They just can not accept the consequenses to their actions.

LoveMeNow

I don't think there is anything that will stop him from playing his games and playing on your fears. Only you can stop it. I would make a boundary "I will not allow his craziness to make me anxious." It's going to take a lot of practice as he "conditioned" you over the years.

Please call your lawyer and ask about drug testing before any visitations. Your children and you are your only priority for now on, not him! Good riddance ticktock!!

story74

Great reply! My xah canceled all the time. It was always last minute with the inserted can we reschedule. I NEVER EVER rescheduled for last minute cancelations, AND told him that he needs to give a weeks notice. Its all blame blame. Everything is and will always be your fault.

He blames me all the time for "taking his son away from him" whatever. I have done everything I can to protect my son and make the addict accountable. I'm tired of him thinking he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. I won't allow it. It is time to be responsible and act like a man.

The hardest part is watching your children hurt. The only thing you can do is be there for them.

Keep being strong!

story74

Btw, NOTHING would keepme from my child. NOTHING. I can't imagine living far away from them. He has made HIS choices.

I am sooooooooooo sick and tired of these selfish addicts!

verylost

Excellent reply!

outtolunch

Love your response.

If it's his c/c account only he or the issuer can close it. Sounds like he's probably paying his bill.

FindingErica

Me too! I never feel like any of this is really about the kids. It is about him, what he wants and manipulating me. I felt it the first time he came out, the kids were a means to an end, more than anything. Now this whole thing right now is his lame attempt at something, not sure what. It really started trying to get me to agree to 50% of the debt and not to file bankruptcy. Im not that stupid. I think in his idiotic head, he is trying to get me to either put a charge on a credit card in a lame attempt to mess up my bankruptcy or trying to get me to give up my bank acct info by paying for his car. Theybare lame plans, but that is how his brain clicks right now.

If he shows up to the airport and cant get a rental, I will say the same thing he said to me after I had surgery.... "Why cant you call a cab."

Seriously, I need advice on my next move? He may show up on my doorstep unannounced. I may need to make ourselves scarce that weekend.

LoveMeNow

Oh, he is coming!! Avoid any conflict at all cost!! Take the kids and get out of dodge. Then be prepared for the onslaught of emails about how evil you are.

You sent him that response, no backing down now or he will see you as weak and spineless. He is the master puppeteer so cut the puppet strings now!!

JMHO.

story74

Yes, I have had the exact same thoughts...it is never about his son. Its about HIM. ALWAYS about him. Like you, I kinda of have a feeling of what is about. For us, it seems to be about power and proving himself.

My x and I have NO communication. He texts to verify visitation, sees his son for 2 hours a week. We say hi and bye if that. Visitation is once a week at a park for 2 hours. He doesn't call. Doesn't ask me anything about his son or my needs. He consistently cancels, but lately hasn't. And I think he hasn't lately because he is trying to prove himself. Again, it isn't about his son. If it were ever about his son, he wouldn't of abandoned and cheated. And, he would be up to date on statemandated child support. I have made a vow to myself that until he becomes 100% responsible, nothing will change.

I understand what you are going through. I would tell him that because he said he wasn't going to come, you will not be available. I would also say that he is not welcome at your house, unless invited. I don't know what exactly the court says his rights are as far as the children, but I would somehow set clear boundries where he knows his role. He will be furious. Does he have family near where you can drop off the kids, and pick up the kids. I suggest doing what is right for your well being, the kids well being and basically he is just going to have to deal with it.

In the very beginning, my lawyer said...just give him 2 years. The first year my addict put me thru hell and saw his son maybe 18 times. Then disappeared. Now, is back and has been more consistent then ever...but I don't see it lasting. He just isn't strong enough. He loves his son, but the drugs are just stronger. I know he will be in and out of my sons life and be someone we will never be able to count on. I also have accepted this.

Its ridiculous. It makes me so mad that he thinks he can do whatever he wants and call himself a father. But, my son loves him. I have to take a step back and let them define their relationship. I can only be open and honest with my son. Teach him morals, values and forgiveness. Ultimately, it is my son who wil decide when he has had enough of this addict.

Hang in there. Set strong boundries and don't budge.

Katiekate

I will say the same thing he said to me after I had surgery.... "Why cant you call a cab."

Awwww, this broke my heart when I read it.

That must of ouched.

ox

FindingErica

Of course but it was one of those good clear moments that stripped away the FOG and showed me what kind of value he put on me. The truth can hurt, but thank God for the truth because it set me free. He did take a day off to come get me in the end, but I didnt feel cared for. I was a necessary nuisence on HIS vacation day off.

Look how he relates to me currently. Heaps a bunch of guilt, lies and abuse on me over a situation that is mainly his fault. Sets me up to be the bearer of bad news to the kids. In fact encourages me to explain it in a way that will undermine their trust and Faith in me. Then suddenly decides he is coming and wants me to foot the bill, as though nothing he said or did mattered. Now he wants something, I better be nothing but accomodating. When originally I was accomodating him by letting him come on one of my weekends so his son could have his dad on his birthday.

Oddly he has not replied at all to my email.

Confetti

Ugh. I know how frustrating this crap is. I get very similar texts....because STBXAH can't be bothered to e-mail because he ran up $500 worth of charges on his air card in 4 days.

I made it clear to STBXAH not to show up at my home, but he did. Then he looked in the windows while the kids ate breakfast. I had to close the curtains. Seriously. I called his cell and told him he had 2 minutes to leave or I would call the cops. He was gone ASAP...couldn't risk the cops finding something in his truck.

tjp613

Erica - The abusive nature of his emails just blows me away. I"m getting triggered all over the place just reading them. What a disgusting bully.

You didn't respond to ANY of them except for the reply on the 20th about not altering the schedule??? Wow. That shows tremendous growth and restraint on your part. You get a gold star from me, my dear.

Still no response? Eerie.

FindingErica

No I did respond to the first one, forgot about that, I stated that I didnt close both credit cards. We also had a previous discussion where he was trying to find out if I am going to file bankruptcy and trying to get me to take on 50% of the debt. I stated that we were not mediating finances at this point and I would not be discussing financal matters. Also another convo where he was trying to "work with me" on setting our joint mediation session by giving me only times that were inconvenient for me or disruptive of the kids. Days that would work he would state were impossible. I have three kids to work around here and I have to show in person at an office 40 min away. He just has to be on the phone.

All these small email contacts are raising my stress and anxiety. I am worried for this weekend and unsure what to expect.

Yes, he is still not responding. Im sure its not due to my well versed and perfect ways. As for the emails, they make me mad and scared but on the other hand it kind of intrigues me how others view them as creepy and scary, as they sound pretty normal to me also. Not completely unexpected, just exhausting. Sometimes I think I am just overreacting over this stuff, even though on an intellectual level I think it is bulkying, on another level I think this is just how it is, why am I upset now?

Sunshine2

I read his emails and they are typically putting all the blame on you and accepting no responsibility for anything. You sound very strong and are doing the right thing by withdrawing from his word games. If they don't get any reaction from you, they will eventually stop.

If I were you I would make sure I am nowhere where he can find me this weekend.

LoveMeNow

IMO, knowledge and growth can be very scary in the beginning. I think realizing he is very narcissistic and not who you once believed he was (based on his actions) - can cause a lot of anxiety at first.

Making and keeping boundaries are all new to you (and me). You may feel uncomfortable right now, but soon you will just accept him and his behavior for what it is, the wounds will heal and you will have a bright, happy future filled with laughter, love and peace.

You have come a long way in a short time. I think your feelings are normal. Getting healthy has some uncomfortable and frightening moments. Fear has been such a huge emotion for so long, it will take time to over come it.

hello-kitty

I am very impressed. You seem to be doing really well staying calm and detached considering you are dealing with a PSYCHO blameshifter! I can relate. My ex used to pull the same garbage - blaming me for his problems and for the fact that he doesn't see his son. Whatever. Eventually it started flowing in one ear and out the other. And then it just got old and I cut off ALL contact and told him to call an attorney. I quit taking his phone calls and set his emails to go straight to a junk mail/holding folder. Eventually he lost interest in his silly games and quit trying to contact us at all.

Can you take the kids away for the weekend that he may/may not being showing up? I just wouldn't want to be anywhere near where he might or might not be. He sounds absolutely bananas.

LoveMeNow

edit!!

BeavsDad

"Of course but it was one of those good clear moments that stripped away the FOG and showed me what kind of value he put on me."


Thank God for clarity.