Yo-Yo Nonsense

Old 10-22-2012, 05:35 PM
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Ok, so I couldn't decide whether to start my own thread, or comment again on this one.
We are dealing with the same reality.
My x has been consitent on visitation for thw past 3 times. This is huge for him. Today, he confirmed visitation. I ask my babysitter to have my son ready. I leave work early. I'm annoyed all day bc I don't want anything to do with this SOB. He is very late on child support. I'm tired and starving. I have to stop at the grocery store, but can't. Worried about going grocery shopping after visitation bc. My son will be exhausted. Did I say I was starving? I get home and rush into the car. My son asks "are we going to see daddy at the park" I ALMOST said yes bc of course he is going to make it. I text the SOB to let him know we are on the way. 1 minute later get a text saying "cancel I'm sorry" I gasped. I couldn't believe it. My son says...mommy what's wrong? I told him nothing. I ignored the text. 2 minutes later he texts "I'm stuck" wtf. I ignored. 2 more minutes later "can we reschedule tomorrow" I ignored. It was 10 minutes before we were about to see him, and he just realized he is stuck. Stuck with coke in his nose.

But, can you imagine if I bit. If I fell for it? If let him reschedule. If I let him lie? He would destroy my son. Right now, I can protect my son from the manipulation and pain. One time he verified visitation 2 minutes after. the deadline. I felt bad and thought I was being uptight and said fine, we can meet with you. 20 minutes later he texted saying we could meet the next day if that was easier. I ignored. An hour later he texted and canceled with no excuse. He was manipulating me. He tried to make me the bad guy, but it backfired on him.

Its insane what these addicts pull. I felt this post fit here bc we are talking about boundries and manipulation. You can't give them an inch.

It's such a yo yo. SUCH a yo yo! At this point my son is young enough to understand he sees daddy randomly.
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Old 10-23-2012, 01:25 AM
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Your X sounds like a piece of work. You get all the work and he shows at his leisure. It sure is frustrating! Good for you for not responding to manipulation.

I'm at work on break. Ah called the kids as I was leaving and told them he is coming. My 12 year old said, Mom see Dad is coming. Like I had lied. I like how he never told them he wasn't coming, made me do it. Now I don't know what to do with him.
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Old 10-23-2012, 03:34 PM
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But see he asked to reschedule. So in his warped mind when he talks to others it becomes "yea man, I was stuck and asked to reschedule and she ignored me" blame. Deflection.

So sorry to hear he played his trump card. He ignored you and spoke to the kids. Made you look bad in front of the kids. Disgusting. See, your situation is different then min in that the kids are older, there is phone convo and he doesn't see them supervised. It sounds like you have no voice. He isn't listening to you. The only thing I can suggest is set up very strong boundries. My x is not allowed over my house, no phone calls. We meet supervised at the park for 2hrs, and that is that. I have blocked his *****'s home phone and have tried to block his email, but for some reason just starting getting them. But, he never emails (well rarely) so who cares. I don't respond to anything he says anymore. And, after this last cancelation I'm done. If were rich, I would take all his 2hr a week rights away from him lickidy split...so, right now I am watching my son keenly and have a plan in place. Right now random visits are working. I could set boundries because I had the court ruling in my favor. That's how I gained some power, but I still try to play as fair as possible. Every descision I make I see myself befor e a judge bc I don't want to loose what I have. Of course, my son's well being is number one.

How can you gain some control? How can you make it that you are not at his whim. The yo yo is unfair to YOUR broken heart and well being. Is there family in town that can be the nuetral zone? The drop off and pick up zone. Maybe he doesn't need to come over your house and strut around giving you uneeded anxiety. What boundries can you set that he will or has to listen to. As of right now, he told the kids he was coming and they want to see him. You can't take that away. But you can make it easier on yourself in someway. How? You need and deserve calm and happinesss. There is a sticky called flight or fight and this was me for a year. Its hard. But, we have to deal with these addicts bc children are involved so you must make it work for you. Think and analyze. Talk to your lawyer. Spell out exactly what youwant. I feel for ya mama! Sending blessings your way!
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Old 10-23-2012, 08:09 PM
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I reached a point that I no longer say anything to the kids unless I have to. II've started just saying "right", "right", to whatever he says. When he stops - I end the conversation with your children would love to see their dad; however, if you are not capable of being where you need to be, then it is better that you not come. I've stopped allowing his visitation at the house and we meet in public. We make plans ahead of time like going to a movie or the park. This way if he doesn't show up or starts with his craziness and he has to leave, we still have something fun to do. There's still dissappointment; but I started putting more on him without saying anything. If boys ask me if dad is going to make a game, I tell them to ask him. If he tells me that he is going to be at the game, I do not tell the boys. If he shows up, they are pleasantly surprised. I know exactly how you feel, the pain of seeing the dissapointment and having your kids manipulated is so painful. But, Story is right, we need to learn how to deal with these addicts in a healthy way to minimize the impact to the kids. Stay strong.
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Old 10-24-2012, 07:04 AM
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I guess their dad is still coming. The kids mentioned the whole "Dad said... But you said..." So I simply stated, "Your father wrote me an email stating he wasnt oming, and it sounds like he changed his mind." That put the responsibility back on him without me badmouthing him.

This was a very bad week for me, I was very angry and it was like it was oozing out of me. No outlet. I cant be mean to him, it is counter productive. I cant be angry around my kids, my patients, my friends, my parents...etc.

Its not just this back and forth entitled crap, it is the fact that last week I found out in no uncertain terms that he has bern cheating on me and who knows for how long. I never knew, never suspected. I thought maybe with him living in another state, but I never had definate confirmation that he was doing this while we were still living as man and wife. I found out in the worst and most devastating way possible. And while I am reeling from this huge blow, he is writing me his entitlement BS. He has no right to ever ask anything of me again... EVER!!!

And here is the sick part... While he was cheating on me, he was guilting me with his how I need to show respect and appreciation for such a great faithful, hardworking husband. He was making me thank him because he was faithful to me- which is kind of sick anyway- and the whole time he was whoring around. SICK!!!
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Old 10-24-2012, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by FindingErica View Post

He has no right to ever ask anything of me again... EVER!!!
( ^ said like a true codependent)

He has and will continue to say whatever he wants-freedom of speech and all that. The more you focus on how he has no right the less time you have to focus on the only thing you control here- your own reaction.

This guy is not the hopeful fantasy of the man you thought he was. He deceived you. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. Addiction excuses none of it. And it has nothing to do with you. He's a louse.

Can you limit all future interaction with him to your attorney and the courts. Let him arrange and pay for court supervised visitation. You owe him nothing and the kids deserve a father who puts their best interests before all else. He does not sound capable of grasping this. Not your problem.
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Old 10-24-2012, 09:32 AM
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Outtolunch,

( ^ said like a true codependent)

Without sounding ignorant (me not you, lol) can you explain why that is a true codependent statetement??
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Old 10-24-2012, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot View Post
Outtolunch,

( ^ said like a true codependent)

Without sounding ignorant (me not you, lol) can you explain why that is a true codependent statetement??
I was wondering the same thing.
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Old 10-24-2012, 10:42 AM
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Maybe its a form of control and not a boundary. Or maybe it really means "I will not "fix" or rescue again.

Those are my thoughs.
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Old 10-24-2012, 10:50 AM
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It's still hard for me to understand someone so self serving that they think of only their own needs over everyone else. My therapist says I need to turn my back on him completely.
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Old 10-24-2012, 11:15 AM
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I think the issue is with phrasing and intent. "He has no right" vs. "I will not allow myself to be manipulated by" and so on.

My sister ignored my birthday recently. She told the family that she didn't bother contacting me because I obviously hate her and don't want to hear from her. That's not true. I feel like every time anything happens she turns it around into her being the victim somehow. Big bad me, not wanting to be contacted for my birthday. Whatever. I want to say that "she has no right to accuse me of..." but I know that I need to say "I will not engage in dramatic blame shifting because it's not going to make me happy in the long run, it will just lead to more hurt and anxiety." I know this is a silly example, but I think the basic concepts are still similar.

As LoveMeNot stated in another thread, I agree that anger is part of this whole process of moving on, and it is hard to not get caught up in it, but we have to try our best, because anger is distracting us from nurturing our own growth and establishing our new baseline of healthy detachment. I know it's easier said than done, trust me, I've not had a stellar couple of weeks on my end, that's why I've been pretty scarce lately. I live and learn. (And keep beating myself over the head with these concepts, they have to sink in eventually, right?!)
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Old 10-24-2012, 11:35 AM
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I get what you are saying Interrupted. Perhaps a better mindset would be, "I will no longer allow his demands to manipulate my actions or emotions."
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Old 10-24-2012, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by interrupted View Post

I think the issue is with phrasing and intent. "He has no right" vs. "I will not allow myself to be manipulated by" and so on.
BINGO !
The pronoun is the first tip.

It takes a codependent to know the subtle and not so subtle codependent tricks and I used them all, to fool myself into thinking I had some sort of control over my adult daughter.

I needed many, many figurative fry pans upside the head to get clear the only thing I controlled was my reaction. I eventually chose to not allow my daughter's carp to influence my emotional stability. I reached a point where my happiness no longer depended on what she did or not. Guess one might say, I finally grew up and took responsibility for me. Bout time, given I am entrenched in my 50's.
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Old 10-24-2012, 02:56 PM
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I'm sorry for your pain. The hardest part for me was the fact that he had a 6 month relationship with a bartender 13 years his senior, and went on many vacations with her while I was at home with my toddler broke broke broke.

You are not alone. Let yourself feel. You will get thru this.
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Old 10-24-2012, 04:01 PM
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Great Grandma

A long time ago my sister and I would take care of my great grandmother after school cept that my mom called it child care. Anyway, Great Grandma (GG) could barely walk and stayed planted in front of the TV watching her stories. She was an immigrant from Austria and spoke with a thick German accent.

Not a day would pass that GG did not get REALLY wound up on a story line. My sister and I eagerly awaited the daily outburst at the bad guy. We were never disappointed. It always began with " You leeley a louse- A louse ! A louse! " and then $%^&* in German. We would roar with laughter.

" Leeley a louse" remains code speak between my sister and I for any bad news guy.
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