Opening up our home to a recovering addict (WWYD?)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2
Opening up our home to a recovering addict (WWYD?)
Hello all,
I am new to the forums and would greatly appreciate your input.
Earlier this year, my younger brother (age 24) came to live with my fiancé and me after finishing 6 months of detox and intensive outpatient in a sober living home (we weren't thrilled about it but were able to offer him the most supportive and stable environment). He was doing well for a short time and seemed committed to his recovery, but relapsed soon after. We kicked him out after finding out he was using and selling again and he declined our offers to help him seek treatment. He spent three weeks homeless and in a downward spiral before finally checking himself into detox last week. He's set to go to rehab this Monday and has no where to go after that because his insurance (state assistance) will not pay for another sober living residence. He wants to come back to live with us again (no other family can or will take him in) but we are beyond exhausted from this situation. My parents have a ton of issues themselves and are of little to no help.
On the one hand, I love my brother very much and want to help support him through his recovery. I'd hate to see him out on the street or in a shelter while attempting to recover, but on the other, my fiancé and I have big dreams for our future and are anxious and reluctant to open up our home to him again. The sadness and anxiety these situations have caused me is becoming unmanageable and interfering with daily life in a big way.
I'd appreciate any support or words of wisdom you have to share. Thank you.
I am new to the forums and would greatly appreciate your input.
Earlier this year, my younger brother (age 24) came to live with my fiancé and me after finishing 6 months of detox and intensive outpatient in a sober living home (we weren't thrilled about it but were able to offer him the most supportive and stable environment). He was doing well for a short time and seemed committed to his recovery, but relapsed soon after. We kicked him out after finding out he was using and selling again and he declined our offers to help him seek treatment. He spent three weeks homeless and in a downward spiral before finally checking himself into detox last week. He's set to go to rehab this Monday and has no where to go after that because his insurance (state assistance) will not pay for another sober living residence. He wants to come back to live with us again (no other family can or will take him in) but we are beyond exhausted from this situation. My parents have a ton of issues themselves and are of little to no help.
On the one hand, I love my brother very much and want to help support him through his recovery. I'd hate to see him out on the street or in a shelter while attempting to recover, but on the other, my fiancé and I have big dreams for our future and are anxious and reluctant to open up our home to him again. The sadness and anxiety these situations have caused me is becoming unmanageable and interfering with daily life in a big way.
I'd appreciate any support or words of wisdom you have to share. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I would not allow him to stay in my home again. I would find a sober living environment for him. There are many resources out there. He doesn't need insurance to live in one. I might even pay his first month's rent but after that I think he would be on his own.
By cushioning the consequences of his relapse, you enable him to relapse again. If he is committed to recovery, he will find away to stay clean and sober without staying at your house. And learning to live life on life's terms (and deal with the consequences of his addiction) will help him, not hurt him. If he is not, well, no ammount of protecting, no warm place to land, nothing is going to stop him from relapsing.
By cushioning the consequences of his relapse, you enable him to relapse again. If he is committed to recovery, he will find away to stay clean and sober without staying at your house. And learning to live life on life's terms (and deal with the consequences of his addiction) will help him, not hurt him. If he is not, well, no ammount of protecting, no warm place to land, nothing is going to stop him from relapsing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
By all means, don't let him move back in with you. You did that already and know how well it turned out for all of you. It's really not in anyone's best interests. I think he'll not treat you as seriously as he would the overseers of the sober living facility. When my son came to live with his Dad and me he was irresponsible--as though he reverted back to being a teenager. It was not pleasant having to be his enforcer. Our being an enforcer didn't make him tow the line. Now he is not living at home he seems to be doing better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2
Hello-kitty,
Would you mind pointing me in the direction of some of those resources (if they are national)? He is without financial resources to cover the expensive of a sober living facility and my fiancé and I are not in a position to invest more money in his recovery. Thank you so much.
Would you mind pointing me in the direction of some of those resources (if they are national)? He is without financial resources to cover the expensive of a sober living facility and my fiancé and I are not in a position to invest more money in his recovery. Thank you so much.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Most Sober Living Enviorments require their guests to become self-sustaining in a defined period and pay their own way. If someone won't do that, there is no way they are going to survive in the real world.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Letting him come back in your home is not going to help him, he needs to resolve his issues
on his own...he is an adult...not a child.
Others have mentioned the Salvation Army, they have a good program and it's free, although
after a period of time he will have to get a job.
Enabling him by allowing him to come back to you when he screws up is not the answer.
Live your life, allow him the diginty to learn how to take care of himself.
on his own...he is an adult...not a child.
Others have mentioned the Salvation Army, they have a good program and it's free, although
after a period of time he will have to get a job.
Enabling him by allowing him to come back to you when he screws up is not the answer.
Live your life, allow him the diginty to learn how to take care of himself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I was in a very similar situation with my sister. My fiance and I are the most (only?) stable place in the family, but I decided not to allow her to move here. I simply will not compromise the beautiful life that I have with him, it's a non-negotiable. We have plans to have children, we're buying our dream house, we have so much we're working towards. We come first.
It's like I've finally built this little island of health and sanity and I will guard it with my life!
A lot of people thought this was pretty selfish of me, and maybe it was. If so, I say "great!" - it was about time for me to be a little bit selfish, to stop allowing her take advantage of me, and to stop allowing my family to walk all over me in the process of tending to her sickness.
It's like I've finally built this little island of health and sanity and I will guard it with my life!
A lot of people thought this was pretty selfish of me, and maybe it was. If so, I say "great!" - it was about time for me to be a little bit selfish, to stop allowing her take advantage of me, and to stop allowing my family to walk all over me in the process of tending to her sickness.
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
We have a family member in the Salvation Army program and we visit her on family Sundays. We arrive around ten thirty a.m., then chapel starts at 11. Chapel is a Christian church service conducted by the Major and his wife, there is a band. We all sing and people share. There's a sermon and completion certificates are handed out to those who have certain numbers of days or have completed the program.
Then we have a full meal for lunch. The food is excellent. Afterward we can go out shopping or to the museum or whatnot. There is a curfew for her of 7 pm.
During the week she works at one of the SA clothing/thrift stores to earn her keep. She enjoys this because she gets first dibs on any name brand clothes that come in. She gets a small allowance of like $20 a week for incidentals.
In the evenings they have classes, like health or responsibility class, or counseling, or 12 step meetings. They can also go to outside meetings either with the SA van or with their own friends as long as they have a ride and make curfew. They are spot breathalyzed upon reentering the building.
It is very clean and a beautiful facility. I would recommend it to anyone in your situation. Good luck with your brother.
Then we have a full meal for lunch. The food is excellent. Afterward we can go out shopping or to the museum or whatnot. There is a curfew for her of 7 pm.
During the week she works at one of the SA clothing/thrift stores to earn her keep. She enjoys this because she gets first dibs on any name brand clothes that come in. She gets a small allowance of like $20 a week for incidentals.
In the evenings they have classes, like health or responsibility class, or counseling, or 12 step meetings. They can also go to outside meetings either with the SA van or with their own friends as long as they have a ride and make curfew. They are spot breathalyzed upon reentering the building.
It is very clean and a beautiful facility. I would recommend it to anyone in your situation. Good luck with your brother.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by interrupted 
I was in a very similar situation with my sister. My fiance and I are the most (only?) stable place in the family, but I decided not to allow her to move here. I simply will not compromise the beautiful life that I have with him, it's a non-negotiable. We have plans to have children, we're buying our dream house, we have so much we're working towards. We come first.
It's like I've finally built this little island of health and sanity and I will guard it with my life!
A lot of people thought this was pretty selfish of me, and maybe it was. If so, I say "great!" - it was about time for me to be a little bit selfish, to stop allowing her take advantage of me, and to stop allowing my family to walk all over me in the process of tending to her sickness.
It's like I've finally built this little island of health and sanity and I will guard it with my life!
A lot of people thought this was pretty selfish of me, and maybe it was. If so, I say "great!" - it was about time for me to be a little bit selfish, to stop allowing her take advantage of me, and to stop allowing my family to walk all over me in the process of tending to her sickness.
>>>>>>>It's like I've finally built this little island of health and sanity and I will guard it with my life!
<<<<<<<<<=============================================
Wow! You sure are selfish! I have never read such a selfish post!
Self aware
Enlightened
Loving
Fearless
Independent
Self respecting
Healthy
........you need to drop this awful frame of mind you are in
and go back to that situation that allowed others to run riot over
you health,future,and sanity.
Don't wait! Do it NOW! Get off the internet and phone your
sister and tell her she is welcome to move there with you.
A happy dream home,kids?
All overrated.A happy warm puppy in front of the fireplace in
a happy,secure home?How boring!
Fill your life with addict drama.Pour your resources into a
bucket with no bottom-- do it for the rest of your natural life,and
have nothing to show for your existence on Earth except pain,
misery,and shame.
For God's sake,get your sister on the phone RIGHT NOW!!!
Before the offer to turn your life to ash expires.
This is your last chance to BLOW your life,you foolish,SELFISH
person.Do not fail to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory.No one
can ruin your life better than YOU can!
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