Whats an Employer to do with a addict ?

Old 10-20-2012, 04:02 PM
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I am curious as to if your husband would hire your son back if he has taken the rehab that was offered. I am not saying he should hire the employee back but just wondering what the difference is if he would hire the son back besides the fact that he is family ?
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Old 10-20-2012, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by FindingErica View Post
Dyed your pool red for labor day? Is that how things are spinning these days. I sure hope vacationing and european cars help him hit that necessary rock bottom quicker; so you can make an exception to your drug usage policy and bring him right back to work. Enjoy your pastries and rose tinted glasses.

Lovemenot: How sad MrsDragon - your son's hope and dreams are focused on a car, a material object. Perahps you may want to suggest some yoga to relieve his stress.
I really didn't feel the need to recap the whole pool event that was over Labor Day; 2 months ago on this post. I did not attempt to put a pretty spin on it then, and I wouldn't now if I was in discussion about it. I think it clearly shows my son is sick. He was high that night drugs, alcohol, both.

My son is an adult, he is 29. He owns his own home, has his own financial resources. I cannot stop him from going on vacation, finding women who will accompany him, or even prevent him from buying a car.

Could you stop your loved one from doing that? And would it even be within your rights?

I have no idea what will cause my son to stop using substances. I believe he needs to work on his issues of grief and deal with events in his past to truly be free of it.

My husband and I had a talk with our son after the pool incident, we made boundaries clear. He has not broke any since then. We do not feel the need to cut him out of our lives when for all practical purposes he acts normal around us, and is respectful. We want to maintain a relationship with him as long as it's comfortable for us; right now it is.

Our son knows we disapprove of his drug use. But he also knows we love him. He knows will support any type of treatment he chooses. He knows we have limits. We believe we have to respect his choices even if we disagree, and we have to accept him for who he is at this moment.

That is true removal of the rose colored glasses.

I would be interested in hearing what you would do as his mom? Since you seem to disagree with our process.

Lovemenot, no sweetie I don't think his hopes and dreams evolve around a car; it's just a new toy. Something to busy himself with. I don't begrudge him getting a car; he needed one after my husband took away the one through work. I do however agree it is sad that he doesn't have a clear focus of his future; with hopes and dreams. He is living a superficial life at the moment with no real meaning. Its very sad because I wish for him to have deep fulfillment and love in his future.
I'm not sure what you meant about the yoga?
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Old 10-20-2012, 06:34 PM
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Mrs Dragon....aside from all of the emotional issues around the drug use in your husband's company. I think it might be very important for your husband to contact an employment attorney to make sure his approach is even handed. Given your son/employee had a problem and now another employee has had a problem it would be too bad if the company was taken down if the treatment of the two was found to be different. Huge law suit potential there....just time to beware and cautious.
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:31 PM
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Somehow your post about an employee situation has turned back on you. That's unfortunate. Although in the work place I can see how the two situations could collide and present serious legal issues for your husband. Aside from that, your adult son's addiction is playing a huge role in in the dynamic of your family. I'm so happy for you that you have a relationship with him and can let him know you love him. No, you cannot do anything about his addiction or any other personal choices he makes. You are right about that. Reading through the lines, I believe you are not enabling, have set boundaries, and are waiting for the bottom to fall out. have you ever noticed that if an addict has unlimited money, their addiction doesn't affect them as quickly as the guy with limited resources. Obviously, your son does not have limited resources and that's not your doing. You can only stand back and wait. Pray he sees he needs help soon and gets into recovery. I'm a mom like you and there is only a tiny bit we can do. Influencing a grown man is impossible. Good luck and i'll keep yourson in my prayers.
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Old 10-20-2012, 09:20 PM
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Mrs Dragon,
I think your initial question was a good one; the relationship between work, parenting, and relationships. Based on the experience with my husband, I don’t agree with that one year rule thing in any way shape or form; I would opt to determine on an individual basis what a person is capable of.

My husband was allowed to take 3 months off work to go to rehab. He did not get into trouble at work, but he came clean with them when he agreed to enter detox. It was really hard for him and he was scared. He has a job he loves, and he went to school for it, has special certifications and all that. Losing that would have really been a blow to him emotionally. While he was in rehab, the last month in particular he was able to begin picking up small assignments from his boss. Just things to get him up to speed on a new project, and allow him to start thinking and presenting ideas; that type of thing.

I do know that it caused him some stress at first. I was afraid it would be too much for him, but I think because it really all came naturally for him after he got back into the swing of it, he relaxed. He did ask to get a transfer to a different building, different project so he would not be around the people he worked with and did drugs with. And just thinking about it now, he was not asked if there were others that were using drugs, or to squeal on his old set of friends.
Like I said, I don’t think you can decide except on a case by case basis about these things; my husband is doing well and is now almost 7 months clean. He is also a good husband, and a great dad to our little one, but that’s not the case for everyone by any means.

Since people have been commenting on your son. I agree with “Leftover” comments. Your son is an adult, and it doesn’t sound like you are enabling him. What your husband did to remove him from his job, take away his car, and Im sure other perks was not easy on either of you I would guess. There is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain a relationship with him as long as it does not harm you personally. I personally think it is a really good thing, and I think your son is lucky to have such caring parents.

I will also say a prayer for your family, and I hope that your son reaches a point where he wants to clean up his act. If it is any comfort; my husband used for about a year, we separated, he was able to afford his own place, he kept his job, he never had any legal trouble, he didn’t become ill (except with withdrawals), and he says the feeling just came upon him slowly that he did not want to live that way anymore. He wasn’t going to be the person he wanted, have the things in his life he wanted if he kept up using drugs. And then he asked for help. So I pray your son has a high-bottom like my husband, and he escapes with minimal scars.
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Old 10-20-2012, 10:26 PM
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I thought that there was a law passed (maybe in just certain fields) that if an employee sought out help from their employer first, they could not be fired for a substance abuse problem.

There are many active addicts/alcoholics in all professions. Doctors, lawyers, clergyman, pilots, teachers, etc. The disease does not discriminate. However, I believe that eventually, as the disease progresses, work does get effected. Sadly, in most cases, it is their personal life that becomes effected first.

IMO, a RA should be given an opportunity to keep their profession. If we hold different standards, probably half of Washington would need to be fired.
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Old 10-21-2012, 04:03 PM
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Originally Posted by MrsDragon View Post
My son is an adult, he is 29. He owns his own home, has his own financial resources. I cannot stop him from going on vacation, finding women who will accompany him, or even prevent him from buying a car.
You have a very indulgent way of talking about your son. I still feel you enable him. No you cant stop him, but you make things easy for him. Watch his girlfriends dog so he can go snort coke on vacation with his companion. What I hear when I read your posts is that as long as things appear fine and he acts respectful, then it is OK to ignore the elephant in the room. It is just something I am percieving, I still hear alot of terminal uniqueness still.

I tend to come off harsh sometimes. The truth is up until a week ago, I still had many terminally unique beliefs about AH that I hadnt even realized. Also i went through a good year where I knew about his problem but I thought it wasnt that much of a problem because he was still working, paying bills, doing stuff around the house, being a husband (albeit a big jerk at times). Because I did not face and read about addiction, and didnt educate myself on some of the common behaviors of addicts; there are things I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Addicts are agents of destruction, even when they put on the civil mask.
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Old 10-21-2012, 04:21 PM
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I pray your son doesn't kill some one or himself while playing with his new "European" toy. God has a way of getting our attention when we put all things above him. I include myself in this as well.
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Old 10-21-2012, 05:16 PM
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double post, sr belched. sorry
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Old 10-21-2012, 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by MrsDragon View Post
My son works for husbands firm; he made some "mistakes" at work, and husband started his own investigation to prove his suspicions of drug use. In that investigation the man I'm posting about here was found to be guilty of "mistakes" also, and later admitted cocaine use. This man also consented to a drug test (company policy allows for this option) and he tested positive for coke.

Our son was not asked to take the test; although he admitted using & husband had proof; but it's not on his employee file. Husband offered him paid treatment also; son refused, so husband suspended him from work.

OT - Id say you lucked out with his love of cooking. He loves it, but does his food taste good ??
isn't dealing coke and owning a handgun a lot more than a *mistake at work*?

I work in medicine, not law, but possesion with intent to distribute is a pretty hefty CRIME. I'm not going back through all your postings, but didn't your husbandremove a large amount of coke from your son's apartment/townhouse whatever?

I at first thought you were very naive, but now you come across as very entitled, what comes to mind when I read your postings, that are you covering all the items in your litterbox... and spraying Febreze.

The Rich Are Different.
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Old 10-21-2012, 05:29 PM
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Hi Fandy,

There are a couple of posters who try to flaunt and impress others with their economic status, terminal uniqueness and entitlement. I usually just laugh as it very "telling," IMO. I know many wealthy people from an early age and they never discuss or flaunt it. Not the secures ones anyway. And trust me, their dysfunction ran very deep as well).
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Old 10-21-2012, 05:33 PM
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Money is like sex....If you have it, you don't talk about it....
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Old 10-21-2012, 10:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
I at first thought you were very naive, but now you come across as very entitled, what comes to mind when I read your postings, that are you covering all the items in your litterbox... and spraying Febreze.

The Rich Are Different.
Fandy I think you are being very unfair here and completely off the point. Members of SR need to be careful with their posts and only post to assist another member or share a point that they feel is RELEVANT. I am reading as a objective observer - I don't know you or MrsDragon personally - but if I were to simply 'read between your lines' I could PRESUME you have an issue towards anyone you consider 'wealthy'.... now that isn't fair - is it?
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Old 10-22-2012, 03:37 AM
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As far as an employer providing treatment. I once knew a police officer who was going through a bad divorce and was "hitting the bottle". He only had a few years left to retire. They found him passed out in his squad car while on duty! Believe it or not he kept his job after completing treatment. I guess my point is that sometimes the employer gives the employee too many chances.
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Old 10-22-2012, 04:01 AM
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In retrospect, i see that i posted off subject. Mea culpa. This is a general question/topic not mrs. D's son.
When substance abuse occurs in my workplace (i'm a state govt. Employee at a university/hospital). The employee is offered counseling/therapy/rehab under their health insurance. Relapses are dealt with under the advisement of their doctor, they still keep their union employment. Everyone is unionized, both staff and physicians, there are specific guidelines.
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Old 10-22-2012, 09:44 AM
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The statics of nurses diverting is pretty high. There are programs and policies in place for this problem They do not lose their license immediately. However, they must go through a program to keep their license.

My "friend" went to her EAP (employee assistant program) and asked for help, sought help, returned to a position where she was not in charge of dispensing meds and has been clean for about 2 yrs. IMO, had she lost her career, she would have hit a bottom of no return, IMO. I am thankful she was provided help.
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:46 AM
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The best thing about threads like this is that it gives everyone the opportunity to " take what they need and leave the rest".
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Old 10-22-2012, 11:59 AM
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I'm glad he's behaving himself and hasn't destroyed any more of your property or exposed you to his guns or drugs lately. I'm glad you are staying out of his house and out of that aspect of his life. It sounds like he's a bit dangerous when he feels threatened.

I hope he doesn't hurt anyone or himself with his new car. It takes what it takes though.

Please take care of yourself and don't be deceived. If he is truly doing as well as you describe - traveling, buying cars, and living the highlife, he's a long long way from his bottom. And the only things two things that are always true about addiction is that it is progressive and if the addict doesn't quit using and find recovery, it ends in jails, institutions or death.

Unfortunately addiction doesn't spontaneously get better, it's just that at some times people are better at hiding it than at other times.
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Old 10-22-2012, 12:46 PM
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I had a friend who I grew up and we became close in high school. He had very wealthy parents. His norm was European vacations, summer homes, private schools, Porsche's, boats, motorcycles, etc. That was all he knew so it wasn't that big of a deal to him. He was a sweet, handsome guy and very likable. After his father passed, he became a trust fund baby. (almost $100,000 a month)

He became addicted to cocaine and none of us knew. We all "partied" together but he was the one who couldn't stop. He was living the high life. Expensive vacations, trips to Vegas, 3 or 4 expensive cars at a time, gorgeous homes, etc.

Eventually, his brother and sister stepped in and forced him into rehab after rehab. His sister told me he could only stay clean for months at a time, a year and half being the longest. They were trying to cut off his trust fund money. One morning his girlfriend tried to wake him up and he was dead. He had a heart attack at 33 yrs old - from Cocaine.

All the money and toys did not bring him happiness or peace. The expensive rehabs did not save him from his addiction or himself. The last time I spoke to him, he was still putting on a good facade but I knew he was lost because I would speak to his sister from time to time. I haven't thought about him in a long time, how sad!!

ETA - I am not trying to scare you, MrsDragon! It's just a sad reality for many addicts whose addiction goes untreated or not taken seriously.
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:53 PM
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Actually Hello-Kitty; he did not destroy any of our property. He used dye made for pools and caused the discoloration. We were told it would filter out, but because we had plans to have people over on the Labor Day holiday; we chose to have it cleaned up quickly.

He has never exposed us to guns, other than a water pistol. The gun I think you are speaking of, is one my husband took from sons car. It was legally licensed, so there is no crime there.

And while he was out of town, we did go to his house to check on it like he asked us to do (if we didnt mind). No, didnt do any snooping, just did a basic check and left. Not anything going on there.

I hope none of our loved ones that operate vehicles hurt anyone.


Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
I'm glad he's behaving himself and hasn't destroyed any more of your property or exposed you to his guns or drugs lately. I'm glad you are staying out of his house and out of that aspect of his life. It sounds like he's a bit dangerous when he feels threatened.

I hope he doesn't hurt anyone or himself with his new car. It takes what it takes though.

Please take care of yourself and don't be deceived. If he is truly doing as well as you describe - traveling, buying cars, and living the highlife, he's a long long way from his bottom. And the only things two things that are always true about addiction is that it is progressive and if the addict doesn't quit using and find recovery, it ends in jails, institutions or death.

Unfortunately addiction doesn't spontaneously get better, it's just that at some times people are better at hiding it than at other times.
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