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Boyfriend and pills... please help

Old 10-19-2012, 07:17 AM
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Boyfriend and pills... please help

Start off by saying, I AM NOT CHRISTIAN! Please do not tell me to pray for guidance I need REAL HELP here. No offense, but that is just not for me.

I have never dealt with anyone that has an addiction before.

When we met, he had gotten himself into a Suboxone program + then gotten off that successfully before leaving for the Army. I have never dealt with him in his "addiction" before other than him withdrawling off subs and saying that was pretty bad... But he did it and left, but then things in the army failed, he came back obviously depressed about this but unknowingly to me had returned to "doing pills" again won't even tell me what or how long he has been at it again...

He is very "On/off". One minute he loves you and wants to spend every waking minute with you and the next all he wants to do is be alone. I had accounted this to "relationship problems" because he never wants to break up just wants alone time... come to find out there are much bigger problems than just "relationship" stuff. I feel so selfish for talking down to him and telling him what a bad boyfriend he can be (cause he can be a total *******) because he is the biggest sweetheart/most awesome person when he isn't down and out on himself!

What do I do? Everyone here says "let go" and do nothing but isn't that enabling just as much as helping?? How does letting go of someone who feels like they can/do nothing right telling them that they can do right for themselves? He says he feels ashamed and hates talking about it... but at least finally opened up to me that there is a problem again.

Am at ends with myself trying to decide if going on with "normal" girlfriend supportive behavior is right for either of us... I thought maybe if he had less stress by me going and being chill, still having sex with him, supporting him by not talking about it + letting him "handle it"... that could help him. He has also requested that I do not tell his mom (who he lives with) what is going on. He says he is embarrassed + ashamed enough which I really do believe but obviously not if he still wants to continue this behavior?? Ik deep down he doesn't... he doesn't even have any income idk how he is planning on getting more pills!!

Also, I provided him with weed. I smoke, we have been together since he has returned. I DO NOT think weed is addictive or harmful. I have depression + anxiety and as most of you here know I believe prescription medicine is THE DEVIL prescription medicine is what got him into this in the first place!! If he had only been smoking he would NEVER have to go through all of this! Weed SAVED ME from my depression by allowing me to see clearly + be less stressed to save myself... I thought if he is going to be detoxing weed can at least calm some of his depression/restfulness, make him feel a little less sick.

I believe he has gotten back into this from his old friends (who still party) and maybe his ex girlfriend he lived with/was with during the time he last had problems with this... I know she texts him for pills or offering him them. He says he loves me/wants to be with me, that he does not cheat on me, and that this has nothing to do with me and all him but it would be better for me to just move on better move on so I wont be hurt by this. In my life or not THIS WILL HURT ME knowing he is hurting I love him too much to just go on with my life and not worry if he is okay...

Should I continue helping him/supporting him? (Your opinions on weed aside) Should I tell his mom? Should I ignore him, how can you "support" someone but be detached.... I am so lost I don't want him to hate me! Or feel worse "having no one", I want him to feel better about HIMSELF I don't know how to do that for him... At this point I just want him to be able to be happy for himself! He is only 21 he blames himself for these problems through out his teenage years but they are mistakes not end all be alls! How can I make him see that he has a whole life ahead of him? How can I make him see I will be here to help him in that positive direction but will not support him if he wants to throw his life away... I think (KNOW) he needs counseling. He needs to fix his mental problems (I do too) about himself, I want to help him grow and learn and help us (together) grow and learn too!

People say letting go is the best thing I can do I don't want to let go of him! Or us! I don't want to have him feel so alone that he continues to let go of himself...

Ugh PLEASE HELP ME!!
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:00 AM
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If you focus on yourself, what is right for you to live with, rather than what HE does or doesn't do, you will have more clarity.

Normal "supportiveness" doesn't apply to addicts. Everything normal goes out the window, and lots of counter-intuitive things come into play.

Addiction responds pretty much only to PAIN and DESPERATION, which typically are brought about when all enabling and normal "support" are withdrawn such that an addict feels entirely the consequences of their choices, whether it be homelessness, jail, "abandonment" by friends/family, etc.

If an addict feels alone, it is due to the addict's own choices and behaviors, not due to the choices of the people close to the addict as a result of addict's addiction. Only he can own his choices and behaviors, and the results of them.

CLMI
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Old 10-19-2012, 09:00 AM
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Curious what can you do to help yourself?

Oh and this is so simple…yet we tend to over complicate it. If you just work on you and I mean seriously put an effort into you alone, then you will get the answers you need if you stay around or leave…If you don’t do the work, hell nothing will make sense and you lose day after day playing the same questions in your head, all pertaining to him that are just a distraction from not working on you.

Now while I know you don’t want any weed talk I can’t help but pose the question …if you are using a mind altering substance are you clear enough to make the best decisions you need to for you?

Which then brings up another, why can you use and justify it and he can’t take pills… there tends to be a huge contradiction here. There really is no middle ground, it can’t be ok for him to smoke pot and not take pills. He has every right to use and abuse drugs if he so wishes…think about it. It is your choice to smoke pot. It is his choice to take pills. It really seems simple enough.

My husband could justify his heroin use…just as I could justify my drinking and pill use…really now, neither of use were better or worse off, but we sure as hell weren’t right … all that thinking and thinking, everyone is so good at thinking themselves into a cage.

Letting go is not enabling, it is giving the addiction back to who it belongs to and removing ourselves as part of the problem.

He is a big boy, he doesn’t need a mother, nor a jailer, nor a protector. He is very capable of finding his way out of the madness if he wants to … very important that “if he wants to“. What is he doing, what efforts has or does he make to help himself? Or is counting on them enablers in his life to do exactly what the addiction wants … help him stay sick.

We are either part of the problem or solution…I’ll let you in on a little secret, you are the biggest part of your problems today. You also will be your solution, when you are ready…don’t wait to long, the hole gets harder and harder to climb out of the sicker we become along the way.
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by catlovermi View Post


Addiction responds pretty much only to PAIN and DESPERATION, which typically are brought about when all enabling and normal "support" are withdrawn such that an addict feels entirely the consequences of their choices, whether it be homelessness, jail, "abandonment" by friends/family, etc.

If an addict feels alone, it is due to the addict's own choices and behaviors, not due to the choices of the people close to the addict as a result of addict's addiction. Only he can own his choices and behaviors, and the results of them.

CLMI
Exactly right! It is critical to let the addict feel 100% of the accountability for their addiction. You need to let that happen to provide your addict with the chance to want something more. He has it made right now it seems.
TT
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:44 PM
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Something tells me addiction is in your family.
Not telling you to pray, cause Im with you there, but you should read up on codependent behavior.
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