mfox

I have never cheated on my AH. Never even thought about it. Trust me, if I were looking for 'reasons', they are countless. But I just don't have it in me. There is a self respect factor there that I just can't cross.

Anyway, for whatever reason, he has ongoing issues with men that I work with. I work in architecture/construction which is predominately male, so there are ALWAYS going to be men in my workplace (gasp!...unthinkable!!!). This is what led to the 'reason' for his last binge - the one where he sold his truck and his custom motorcycle to pay for crack and has landed him living back with his mom in another state. He went through my phone and saw text messages from a man I work with (a much younger, happily MARRIED man with his first child due in a month). The initial message asked for strictly work related information. I responded with the information he requested. He sent back "Thanks. Have a great day!" so I responded "You too!" Good heavens!!! CLEARLY there is SOMETHING unthinkable going on here, right? (oh, yeah, its called WORK - something he hasn't really done for 4 years). Well, my AH used this as a springboard for his drug use.

So now he is 9 hours away and he sent a text today referencing James (the guy at work) because he is 'afraid' I am alone with him at work. I finally stood up to him. Instead of trying to defend myself and convince him of how wrong he is, I told him squarely that he has had problems with men at every job I've had since I met him - all of which are unfounded. His jealousy and insecurities are not my fault (sorry if he was cheated on in the past - but not by me - in fact HE cheated on ME early on). I told him that I don't cheat and I don't flirt but I am NICE. I am not going to alter my personality toward any co-worker because of his insecurities. I said I am not going to let him make me feel like I am wrong for being friendly to ANYONE. Friendly does NOT mean I want to sleep with you.

I am tired of trying to uselessly defend myself against his imaginary crap. I LIKE who I am. I am strong and smart and friendly and outgoing. I have a great job, great friends and I am not about to compromise who I am and my personality because HE is insecure. His insecurity with me stems primarily from his addiction - even he knows he's given me plenty of reasons to hit the floor running. But yet, here I am. Still trying.

I guess this is me venting - getting frustrations out. Who knows, but it helps me feel better and deal with it.

So, baby steps. I AM finding myself again. I remember who I USED to be before all of this crap and I liked that person. I was strong and confident. I KNEW who I was, what my boundaries were. I will find that again. But for Pete's sake, why do they have to be so stinking frustrating, selfish and irrational?

Faithlove

Good for you for standing up for yourself!!!

I've always heard that if a spouse/partner is making these unfounded accusations, it's because that's probably what they would be doing if left in your situation. Who knows what goes through their heads though!?

Be who you are! Don't let him stifle your personality!

outtolunch

There is only one reason for his last binge. He's an addict doing what addicts do. The rest is his BS rationalization and manipulation.

You have no reason to explain your self to him or anyone.

Just curious....what are you getting out of this relationship?

SSHope

Hooray for you! It is wonderful that you like the person you are. I admire you for not letting someone else's insecurities change you.

dollydo

"I am tired of trying to uselessly defend myself against his imaginary crap. "

It is all crap, attempting to justify why he uses, and deflect. You are not the reason he went on his last binge, you will not be the reason he will go on his next one.

Why do you read all his BS? Attempting to defend yourself is useless, I would just ignore him.

Let his mommy deal with him.

You are really coming along, keep moving forward.

mfox

Outtolunch... Thank you. I do realize that he doesn't need a 'reason' to do drugs. That was just the one he used this time. I have heard them all... My ex's daughter flipped me off, your daughter wrote about me in her journal, your son doesn't like me, you don't want to be intimate with me anymore, all you want is my money, it rained on Tuesday...he finds 'reasons' - they make no sense and I NOW realize that NONE of this is my fault.

As for what I am getting out of this relationship.... my freedom right now. He is in another state dealing with his issues. I am here dealing with mine. The fragmented pieces of my life are coming back together rather quickly - especially the financial aspect of it (and yet I am the one who wants HIS money?.... Okay.)

I hope and pray he sees the light, but right now it doesn't sound like it. I for instance, he 'explained' to me that the reason he HAD to sell his $12K truck for $2K is because he was "out of gas and the truck was going to end up being parked on a street and impounded" - DEFINITELY a reason to sell your only mode of transportation. How about admitting the reason you sold it is so you could buy more drugs??? Oh, because that wouldn't align with the addict's mentality.

I don't trust anything he says as far as "I'm never going to do it again" because they mean nothing. SHOW ME SOMETHING! That is where I'm at. I love him. I always will. Whether he will pull through this or not, who knows. But I am not going to sacrifice myself for it anymore.

bluebelle

Good for you for standing up for yourself! It sounds like he is not at the point of taking responsibility for his actions. You are right to trust actions and not words.

LoveMeNow

I finally understand that question. I am a little slow, lol.

I rescue, try to "fix" and save people - because it gave me a purpose, gave me self worth, and deflected attention off myself. I, also, had a need to be right without even realizing it.

Keep searching for your real motive for contact Mfox, it is there!! I promise!!

allforcnm

I am so impressed with you. Staying true to yourself and not compromising who you are; what you believe in shows so much strength.

I saw that when you posted about helping get him out of that horrid situation a couple weeks ago, and I see it now. Instead of totally losing your cool, instead of defending yourself; You reaffirmed to him those imaginings in his head (and probably he does have them) were unfounded, and that you are so much better than any of that, and your NOT going to be changing.

I love it. Thanks for sharing.

Also, prayers for him that he keeps trying and that he makes it through, and prayers for you as you continue to rebuild, and gain even more strength. I hope one day your both able to find your way back to each other; healthy and strong.