allthatsgood

I'm grateful... I really am that my 23 yr old heroin addicted son has been clean for six months. I'm sad though because I feel like he is slipping away from his family who cares about him so much. He has a new family, so to speak, at his SL home. I know the most important thing is his recovery and not keeping in touch with me is not a priority. Still it makes me sad. I guess what it boils down to is that I don't really understand the recovery process. I would some much appreciate hearing from other SR members who may have loved ones in recovery and what they are experiencing. Thank you.

LoveMeNow

Oh that is great news to read about your son. My almost 19 yr old daughter (no addictions) moved out and is doing the same thing. I think it's about her need to be independent and trying to cut the apron strings.

Very hard on us Mom's though.

allthatsgood

Thank you LMN. I have two other kids, 28 and 24 who moved our after college and are doing well. With this son it's different and maybe it's because of the addiction.

sojourner

allthatsgood: Good news about your son's decision to embrace the world of the clean and sober.

Funny, I am going through the same sadness - but this involves a son who has never gotten into drugs and alcohol. Growing up, he was not a problem child. Good maturity, good social skills, high IQ, loved to learn, his peers looked up to him, lots of friends. We got along great. Ever since he left for college, though, it's like he left his family of origin with very minimal contact. I thought it was a phase. But now at age 27 it is no better. He lives 30 hours away, so weekend visits are out of the question. And I do not know if I would enjoy those visits anyway. When he does come (maybe once a year at the holidays), he puts his laptop down in the basement and plays online video games all night long. This is a young man who is highly regarded by his co-workers as a teacher at a Christian school. The parents of his students think he is great! And he is! But he has replaced his family of origin with a new one - and I cannot help but think that he has done this because his new adopted family is giving him what he feels he deserved from childhood but never got. He denies that to me. Whatever demons are driving this are his to fight. I'm better at being detached from it. This is not an uncommon thing for our offspring to do.

I guess the point of this long post is to say that your son may have done this moving away early on in his life, but drugs and alcohol interfered with that part of his journey. Is it a phase? Only time will tell. Hang in there. Google the subject and you will see that this situation is more common than we like to admit. But your response to it can make a difference and pave the way for future closer relationship - or at least get you through this grieving process to the other side.

LoveMeNow

I was the youngest too, "the baby." I had to move 1800 miles away from my family to get some independence. I loved my mother dearly but she had a hard time letting go. I can see that I have many of the same issues but I am trying hard to change it.

The irony was that when my mother became terminally ill at a fairly young age, she moved closed to me and I became the parent and had a very difficult time letting go.

BeavsDad

My son is 22 and spent 5 months in an SLE last year.

I think the weird part was the sudden physical detachment of him not being here anymore.

Years 17-21 were the most intense part of "raising" him. Having him in and out of the house for a couple months at a time during the relapse cycles were very stressful and consuming.

When they are finally out and there's no drama it's like someone putting a stick in your spokes when you're doing 80 MPH.

It's a good thing, but it takes a bit to let the dizzyness subside and regain your proper footing.

With the "normal" kids I would believe it's more of a gradual "braking" when they leave as opposed to the stick in the spokes.

Ilovemysonjj

My son also detached when he moved out the first time. I did this when I was in my 20's. I needed to change EVERYTHING in my life to stop my struggles with addictions. When I moved out, I didn't see my parents for 18 months but I never stopped loving them. Do not fret, they need to re-focus their thinking and actions and habits and by surrounding themselves with the new recovery lifestyle, they can do that. If they try to resume their relationship with their families too soon, the temptations to just go back to "business as usual" is too easy for everyone.

Freedom1990

I'd like to share from the viewpoint of a long-term RA.

Six months is great, but it is still very early recovery in the grand scheme of things. The first year was incredibly difficult for me, and I immersed myself in the fellowships of AA/NA. I found my second family there, those who had been down the road that I was on.

It didn't mean I loved my family any less. What it meant was I had taken on recovery and worked at it like my life depended on it because it surely did.

For me, the people I hurt the most were those closest to me, specifically my parents. I still had a great deal of shame for what I did, and was too raw emotionally to spend much of any time with them.

They carried a great deal of pain with them for years after I first got clean/sober, and an "I'm sorry" didn't cut it when it came to making amends. The best amends to my parents have been/continue to be consistently living a life in recovery.

Believe me, your RAS is doing exactly what he should be doing...embracing recovery and working his butt off to stay in recovery!

I highly suspect at some point, and I have no idea when, he will start developing a closer relationship with you and the rest of the family.

Have faith!

Sending you hugs of support on the warm Kansas winds!

cangel2

I think what you are experiencing with your son is part of the process. My RAS and I had always had an extremely close relationship. After his rehab and the last 10 months of working on recovery I find that he withdraws and keeps me at a distance very actively.

I won't lie it hurts but I just practice deep breathing and let it be. He is working hard on himself and the last thing he needs is my getting in his way or asking for anything from him. That said he does come home and hang out sometimes. I just remember from the years when my kids were much younger that they always wanted me present....so I make myself present when I have the opportunity. (and cook all his favorite things to eat!)

Part of my recovery too to allow him to what he needs to for his health.

Helps also that most of friends with sons in their 20s report the same behavior - I think this is a developmental stage apart from addiction issues as well.

allthatsgood

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. I can't thank the SR members enough.....you always help me to put things into perspective. It's sometimes difficult for me to think and see things clearly when it comes to my RAS. I think during this whole process, I've lost sight of the fact that not only is my son trying to work his recovery but also trying to be an independent and responsible young adult. BeavsDad, I think you have hit the nail on the head and have described in words the feelings I am experiencing. For so long, I was going 80 MPH and now the brakes have been put on. And the mention of the physical detachment is SPOT ON! I just miss him being here. To quote you... "With the "normal" kids I would believe it's more of a gradual "braking" when they leave as opposed to the stick in the spokes."
Again, SPOT ON. I never had those feelings when my other 2 kids move out. Freedom1990, I believe he might have a lot of shame for the things he did to me as a result of his addiction. And despite telling him at the family rehab meeting that I forgave him and that he should forgive himself, maybe that wasn't enough for him. IlovemysonJJ, I understand the need to change everything up. No comparison but when i quit smoking 2 months ago I needed to change my routine right down to how I walked home from work. That's why Im even hesitant about him coming home to visit at this early stage of recovery because of the fear of business as usual. Cangel2, it's funny how you said "Let It Be". I've heard that song on the radio alot lately. Maybe it's time for me to do just that and be happy for him. Still miss having him around and cooking for him. He's actually a trained chef so maybe not so thrilled with my cooking? Sojourner, I will be cognizant of my response to this knowing it could affect the relationship one way or another. Thank you for that. LMN, he is the baby of the family and guess that's not always the easiest place to be. All of you have given me so much to think about. At the same time, you have also given me peace and made me feel better about this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You're THE BEST!!!! Carol

Freedom1990

Self-forgiveness proved to be one of the most difficult processes for me in recovery, and from the good folks in 12-step programs who I have met over the years, I've learned that is a common struggle with many.

Working those steps time and time again does bring the capacity for self-forgiveness. The 4th and 5th steps were the key for me in finding forgiveness of self.

BeavsDad

We've been luring the boy over by texting him pictures of our dinners. He stops by about 9:30 PM after work to raid the fridge looking for what was in the pictures.