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From the mouth of babes

Old 10-17-2012, 07:30 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry you are going through this and my heart breaks for your little guy. I look back now, and realize that when my boys didn't know about their dad's addiction and he disappointed them, there really was no other answer for my little boys - all they knew was they were disappointed and dad couldn't be what they wanted. Now, there's still disappointment and some form of expecation that they have; but, I do believe that because they know, they also know that there is a reason. I also educate them on the fact that there is nothing that they did or can do to change, fix or cause what is happening. I realize now that by not telling them, I put myself in a position to be manipulated along with the children. For example, now, when their dad begins the addictive talking, such as I know you both are sad but your mom won't change her mind and she is still going to destroy our family with a divorce or he will tell them sorry I can't come to your game b/c mom doesn't trust me. I can now explain to my boys that what is happening is addictive behavior, I didn't destroy our family, addiction did. I don't trust dad b/c his addiction causes him to make bad choices that put them at risk and it's my job to protect them and not allow addiction or dad's addictive behavior to hurt them. It's painful for them to hear the truth; however, I believe it's the first step to allowing your children the opportunity to begin to heal along with yourself. You and your family are in my prayers.
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Old 10-17-2012, 09:06 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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>>>>>I also educate them on the fact that there is nothing that they did or can do to change, fix or cause what is happening.<<<<<

....best thing you could possibly do!
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Old 10-18-2012, 07:02 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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That gameplaying SOB!! He called the kids last night and said he cant wait to see them in 9 more days. I didn't know this and sat down to have the "daddy isnt coming but loves you" talk and they said, but he said he is going to be here in 9 days. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!! My sons eyes looked all big and hurt when I said he wasnt coming. So I told them sometimes adults have adult problems and have a hard time dealing with them, but it doesnt mean he doesnt love you if he cant come, but we will make fun birthday plans regardless if he shows up or not.

I made a boundary this week. If I have to email AH and it is longer than two sentences or contains emotional or accusatory language, I am to delete it, and not send and email until I can state things briefly, factually, and unemotionally. Because after two sentences, I start to try to earn his validation, absolution, acceptance or placate him; because that is my pattern of codependent response to his anger and crazy making. I will not give him what he wants, an emotional response, even though I am so angry right now because ofmthis and another revelation that came this week, that has me so angry I feel like I can barely exist in my own skin.
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