Lara

[QUOTE=Sunshine2;3627304
One thing that I do know for myself, is that one gets addicted to the drama in this type of relationship and life feels boring and flat without it. One moment one is discarded and the next moment undying love and devotion is professed. The high of the latter often makes the nastiness worthwhile. Unfortunately it is just an endlessly repeated cycle.

[/QUOTE]

Maybe it's not possible after only a few months of SR and recovery for me - but i truly believe I have stepped off the wheel of being addicted to the drama. I remember how exhausted I always felt... but since educating myself about co-dependency - and being 'addicted to the addict' - I feel that I am in such a better place. I no longer feel that daily anxiety. I no longer worry or take ownership of H's addiction. It is a huge relief. Plus, all my other relationships have been positively affected too! I have better relationships all round - with business partners, my mum, my sister.... it has been such a learning curve...
If H starts his 'nonsense' again - I won't take the bait. I realise now the addiction is not mine to own. I need to look after myself. And it is much more fun!!

Lara

We have shared this dream for so many years.... If it is possible to travel as friends, after everything we have been through, I don't honestly know. What I do know, how I feel right now, is that I have detached from him in a romantic way, but cherish him as a huge part of my life. And I am not willing to let him go. He teaches me so much. He has challenged me like noone else. I don't respect the history of drugs or the bad behaviour. I won't accept that ever again. But I respect him. And I love him. We have a shared history. He is a part of my past and I believe in my heart a part of my future in whatever capacity. But for now it is friendship.

I have studied India for years but never been before. I work in Zanzibar which has a huge Indian community. I have many Indian friends so the culture is quite familiar to me. I have clear boundaries of what I will accept and what I won't. I have shared these with him. If necessary I will be comfortable to travel alone as I have resources and many friends who live in India.

I completely agree with you. Besides that he offers so much - as in speaks the language (his mother is from India) - it would be a wonderful experience to see another world - away from home. And yes, the emotion and beauty of India - can only lift the soul. I am fully aware of the poverty too - have read many of William Darlymple's books on the 'decline of India'... but coming from Africa it won't be that shocking (I don't believe).

Just to answer your question on what I would like to see....
Arrive in ****** and doing the one big tourist thing and spending a few nights at the Taj Mahal. Then onto Dehli. We will combine our trip with staying with friends and staying in hotels... to get a true feel for the place... anything historical fascinates me - and of course the shopping, clothes and jewellery... Hoping to watch the 'Beating of the Retreat' in the Vijay Chouk... Humayuns Tomb... the bazaars.... The Golden Temple... then onto Jaipur (The Pink City) and all the magnificent palaces.. the Amber Fort... Patwon ki Haveli... and of course the Taj Mahal (Agra).... then a few days in Goa.
I just want to 'experience' India - and see where so many of my friends were born and have families.... H lived in India as a child - so will be fascinating to travel with him....
Unfortunately addicts have so many 'dark' sides that we rarely talk about the good.... but H is full of life; adores different cultures; respects different cultures; speaks 5 languages... and has the most wonderful sense of humour... he is 'wealthy' as in money is never a concern or point of discussion - yet he doesn't judge anyone by their money... he has friends who are poor and friends who are rich... and so we have a wonderful, eclectic mix of friends from all walks of life; Chritian, Muslim, Hindi; All colours.... I am so blessed...

Jody675

I really hope things work out for you Lara. i had a bf i believed i truly loved with all my heart. i met him just after i separated from my husband (whom i had been with since i was 18 and we ended our relationship and marriage when i was 33) and a few weeks after my mum lost her battle with breast cancer. he had been through what i had been through and i thought this guy would be different. but he was broken too and couldnt give me the relationship i wanted and so desperately needed at the time (thankfully). he treated me well when we were together and like i didnt matter when we weren't. basically we were bed buddies (i just hoped it would eventually turn out to be more). anyway he moved states and i was heart broken. i would basically say and lie to myself to stay close to him. we tried being friends with benefits and eveutally i wanted more and ended it. he then called and told me he had changed (miraculously) and wanted to be in a relationship with me. so i agreed. we talked for months before we met up again, setting boundaries and him answering all my questions about this so called change in him. when we met again just after xmas i knew it wasnt right. but i convinced myself for the next couple of months that it will get better. but it never did. so i walked away. he never has stopped wanting us to be together and even 4 years since then he still saying hes now changed and wants to see me. the difference now is that im no longer lying to myself about the truth. i have tried to stay friends, but he just keeps trying to woo me and that i find insulting as i am currently happy in the relationship i have. i always knew he wasnt right for me, but i loved him so much. i know that you have so much more past with your H than i did with this guy, but i didnt want to listen. i wasnt ready to listen. i wasnt ready to let go of my hope to be happy with what i thought was the guy i of my dreams.

please be careful. us females are really skilled at lying to ourselves to make what on the outside appear to be a very friendly and just a holiday between friends, to have so much more hopes and dreams laying on a good result. if he is still telling you he loves you, and wants to be with you, then you arent just hoping to be just friends. the worst person you can lie to is yourself. at least if you are going to go on this holiday be honest with yourself. then you might have a chance on protecting you and not fall down the same hole.

hugs to you Lara. i know this is a very tough time.

Jody675

one other thing Lara...i had made plans with a longterm bf (whom i thought i would be with for life) to go to europe with. we broke up but i decided to i was going to do it anyway ON MY OWN. leave your H to his recovery (its only been a couple of months remember) and move on with your life. go to india on your own or with real friends that you can rely on to be there for you no matter what. your H isnt that person anymore. he might be one day. but not now. you will find when you start doing things without wanting to include him, or find ways to include him, you will feel strength from within. i loved my month long europe trip (my 40th gift to myself...god i give awesome gifts) and it was the VERY first time i have EVER holidayed on my own. better to share, but even better to not miss out. start living YOUR life. something bigger than you gave you a gift when they showed you what your H was really about. they were trying to tell you that there is more to life than this guy. listen, and let go. YOU DESERVE MORE. the question is do you WANT more? i hope you do.

oooopps

Lara, is this H we're talking about? The one that hit and seriously injured people with his car NOT THAT LONG AGO because he was high on drugs?

Because you are just not willing to let him go. When you detach, you get uncomfortable, sad, hurt which lead you to seek comfort by keeping some sort of connection alive... aka this "friendship" you speak of. The wounds will always be kind of fresh... never really healing. The idea of completely detaching and losing control still does not appeal to you. At least this is what appears to be the case from reading your posts.

************

Buddha On Impermanence
"As you become aware that nothing lasts forever, you can deepen your appreciation for things as they are now, and not pin your hopes on what may or may not happen in the future."

FindingErica

You want to return to your addiction. Everything else I am reading is a whole lot of rationalizing.

Lara

THANK YOU JODY!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU HAVE ANSWERED MY QUESTION / MY INTERNAL DEBATE. I AM GOING ALONE - THANK YOU FOR POINTING THE OBVIOUS OUT TO ME CLEARLY AND WITHOUT JUDGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU - I FEEL SUCH A TREMENDOUS SENSE OF RELIEF.

BUT WHY COULDN'T I FIGURE THIS OUT BY MYSELF - DO I STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN??????????????

Lara

Thank you OOooops!!! I have just replied to Jody's response - both of you make so much sense. I am going alone!!!!!!!!! Just frustrating as to why I still have so far to go - thought I was doing better than this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seems 20 steps forward and 10 back!

Lara

Hi Erica - so bizarre - the last 3 posts just received from you, Ooops and Jody - made it crystal clear to me.....
I am NOT going with him!!!!!!! I am going alone or with my sister.

But WHY do I seem to be going backwards with H?????? Yet in other spheres of my life (which were also affected by my co-dependency) I am doing so well... I am light years ahead and I never seem to look back (with my relationships with family, with my business decisions; with my daily routine etc etc)... but with H I seem to get ahead and then regress.....

FindingErica

Are you a perfectionist? Do you see H as unfinished business you "failed" at?

Lara

mmmmmm?? I am a Virgo - so not good start. Plus come from co-dependent background with Dad being an alcoholic - so not great either....
BUT I don't think so regarding H.... but can't get my head around that it is unfinished business. Don't want to let it go. Really do believe we can get through this life as friends. We really do love each other... so why do I have to let him go?? Obviously in the sense of him affecting / infecting my life when it comes to his addiction. But whilst he is in a good space - and as long as I have strong boundaries - cant we work on a friendship? He doesn't want to let me go either.
I really don't allow his behaviour to affect me anymore - change my mood - dictate my feelings / day / happiness / friendships....
But there is a huge part of me that cherishes him - and respects him (for the good stuff) - and there is a lot of good stuff!
I pray for his recovery - but now (since SR and therapy) I no longer own his recovery - and I no longer expect it - I don't wait for it - I don't hope for it.... I don't trust it. So I feel in the realm of friendship - I am safe. And so is he.
Do I make any sense?

lightseeker

"I pray for his recovery - but now (since SR and therapy) I no longer own his recovery - and I no longer expect it - I don't wait for it - I don't hope for it.... I don't trust it. So I feel in the realm of friendship - I am safe. And so is he."

Hi Lara....are you sure that you aren't hiding aspects of this from yourself? I know that you may not "trust it" but it's clear that you do hope for it and it actually seems like you are waiting for it as well. Just maybe in ways that you are hiding that from yourself.

My "loved one" is now someone that I recognize as my drug. I would lose my emotional sobriety when I dealt with him/thought about him. I would make sense in every other area of my life - but not in regards to him. Maybe one of the reasons that you are doing something similar is because he is your drug?

And when I think about it that way it clarifies things. Could my "loved one" just be around crack and not use? "I'll go to that house where they have it but I KNOW not to touch it....but it's ok....I know that I won't use because now I'm sober". Does that make sense? Would you think that it's a good idea? Probably not. Attempting to make plans and interact is a slippery slope with someone that you know is in active addiction...no matter what he says.

I'm glad that you've decided to go without him....this is tough stuff that you are dealing with and it's hard.

Zube

[QUOTE=Lara;3625783]Is it normal even once addict in recovery - that goal setting and planning long term (just talking 3-5 months) is almost impossible??? QUOTE]

To me it is. I try to live one day at a time. But that keeps me sober, so most of my family, friends, co-workers etc don't mind.

Zube

FindingErica

Lara, What I am hearing is an onslaught of rationalizations similar to the mental hijinks an addict newly on recovery road ,who is feeling good with some sobriety, goes through when their addiction starts telling them they don't have a problem anymore and can still maintain a healthy relationship with their DOC.

It hasnt even been a year yet. In fact not even 6 months since he critically injured people while driving under the influence. He has huge, major issues to work through, and none of this happens overnight, it can take years. You have big issues of your own. Ask yourself why you want to revive and rekindle this particular friendhip when you have other healthier friendhips you could build and nurture with such a trip, still see India and not have the burden of very recent painful history to navigate.

Jody675

am glad your taking your trip Lara without H. it will be a lot less stressful for you and therefore a lot more enjoyable. i do understand how hard it is to walk away from this relationship, but i must agree with others in here that you seem to be trying to rationalise this decision to stay friends. in the past, if im having to do this, then it means that im trying to hide the truth from myself. the rationalising isn't for others, its for me. im trying to convince myself that my decision is a good one, when my instincts tell me its not. the best gift some of the people cared about and loved gave me, was just to just shut me out of their lives. it gave me permission to shut them out of mine. (not always easy when you work beside one of your exs who moved on with his life with lightening speed). right now a friendship with this person is probably not going to help either of you. i hope you find the strength to let him go so he can do what he needs to do for himself, and then you can go do what you need to do for yourself. you will be surprised how relieved you will feel eventually when you give yourself permission to just let go.

in the meantime...go and enjoy india or whereever you decide to go. have a ball and celebrate your new start to life.