supportforme

Recently, I've had thoughts where I think how can I be so cold, so matter of fact. It's almost as if I'm shut off. How did I get here and where does my future lead. I read some of the newbie posts and remember the anxiety and fear myself trying to find the answer to fix my husband and my heart breaks for them b/c I know the reality of what this disease can do to a family. I read the posts of the heartbroken parents of addicts and I can't even respond b/c I can't even image the pain, I thank you for all you posts and pray for you every night. Reading these posts gives me the strength to work even harder in my own recovery and appreciate the privelige of being a mother to my wonderful boys. I read the posts of the people who are so much farther along on this journey and thank you for being my saving grace and giving me the guidance and strength to move forward. I've been down this treacherous road of addiction and have some serious scars, which I'm working on healing every second of the day. I can't believe where I am = Now, When STBXAH calls with some medical crisis, I just say, sorry but I can't help you. There are times that I think who have I become. Then I realize, I've emotionally reacted to too many of his medical conditions, I've felt the pain and anxiety of the possibility of someone I love having a serious medical condition just to realize, it was his addiction talking. When my boys are in so much pain b/c their dad is no longer living here, I continue to give them my love and assure them it's not their fault. My divorce hearing is scheduled for next Monday and I thought that I would feel different than I do. I thought that I would be petrified of the thought of having to raise 2 boys by myself and not being able to pay the bills. There's a sense of relief, I feel free. I realize that the fear of staying and the consequences of his addiction on me and my sons has far surpassed all of my fears from the past that kept me in this horrible cycle of addiction. I guess we all have to walk this journey our own way in our own time. I think I've become who I am in order to survive. This is the path I needed to take. I pray that my journey brings me to a rebirth of the woman I once was and the mother that my boys can trust and depend on. Hopefully, I'm not fooling myself and I've just become a bitter bee. Some insight would be appreciated.

FindingErica

You dont seem like a bitter bee to me. You seem like someone who is strong, is learning, has hope, gets back up after being knocked down emotionally, and is a good, caring mom. Im always glad to see your posts becausenI relate to where you are so much. Good luck with your hearing!

LoveMeNow

Great post!! I continue to pray we all become healthier, stronger, and wiser. (I never want to be who I once was.) I have much compassion for the disease but zero tolerance for the hurt it inflicts on innocent loved ones.

Your boys are lucky to have such a loving, strong MOM.

You represent the truth that I know it to be. "When the pain of staying outweighs the fear of leaving" - you will make the changes necessary. You have reached that point, and I hope you don't beat yourself up for not leaving sooner. You just weren't ready then.

You have moved out of the darkness and into the light. Take a deep breath, feel proud and smile like never before. You are free!!

lightseeker

what an amazing post....you are such an inspiration and I really appreciate all that you wrote.

I know that as time goes on you will continue to feel better and be grateful that you did what you needed to do to be healthy and strong for your children. They will appreciate it more than you will ever know.

I left my husband (the step father to my sons) 18 months ago and it definitely has been a tough thing....full of ups and downs. The trauma that I experienced is still fresh but each day I become more and more grateful to be where I am and not where I was. It took me a while to fully sever my ties with my ex....there was always just a little tiny bit that wanted to hold on and to believe. I've realized that even if he ever did get into recovery that it would just be too late for us.

Growing and healing is going to get you to the place where you want to be....you are already so well on your way. Thanks again for sharing!

Anaya

It sounds to me like you're well on your way to a life that, as you state, "brings me to a rebirth of the woman I once was and the mother that my boys can trust and depend on."

supportforme

Thank you - i appreciate the support. I just feel so cold sometimes. @Erica - I feel the same about your posts. Thank you so much. LMN- thanks for the reminder. You're right. the hardest part for me is to forgive myself for staying. I not only put us in danger, I did more harm than good by hiding his addiction. All I did was give the addiction more fuel to grow and expose us to additional consequences. It's not an easy pit to swallow when your kids tells you he doesn't trust you b/c you lied about his dad's addiction. This is a hard journey.... I pray that it enables me to grow to be a better person. I'm glad I have you all walking along with me.

LoveMeNow

Unfortunately, None of us here have a crystal ball and could of predicted the future! There wasn't a manual on this. You were hanging on to your family for dear life with the best intentions and a loving heart. I understand.

At times, hope can cloud our judgement.

It's not what you have done but what you DO that makes the difference!

supportforme

Your words are truly an inspiration to me. It's unfortunate what we had to go through to get here. For me, I reached a point that there is no doubt. I know I will have to deal with him as he is the boys father; it's how I choose to allow his addiction and/or actions to impact me in the future.

FindingErica

I understand that. Ive been thinking about that too lately. How I can be in many ways very cold to someone I have been married to for 18 years. I look back at our whole life together, and there were alot of good times too, I leaned on him, he was my support and best friend. Now we are this, and I feel so bad for where we are and how I feel about him, react to him and think about him. I think that coldness is necessary for survival. I think when the issues have piled up too much and the safety ofour hildren and our selves is threatened, survival mode kicks in. We have learned that listening to the FOG gets us confused that we make poor decisions when we start buying into their words and eventually we get cold and numb to them in order to survive, to be able to deal with the kids, work, house, bills, divorce and everything else all on our own. And we still have our childrens hurt to help them process, while still dealing with visitation. Like all things there is a learning curb to all of this, a seeking of balance. I think the coldness, the shutting off of emotions is the extreme pendulum swing in the other direction. We saw what happened when we were "warm", led by emotion, our boundaries were trampled, we made poor choices, were bamboozled again and again, ignored warning signs. Now on the other side, the coldness, a place of learning to put boundaries in place and not being quite sure what "healthy" looks like yet, so a necessary coldness until we find that even, balanced ground and can trust ourselves to trust again. Supportforme, you will find a good place as long as you continue to seek health, you will find that balanced emotional place protected with solid boundaries, where you can feel safe again to let the coldness thaw, start really trusting yourself to completely feel again because the emotions are now dealt with in a healthy way. I have to believe that because that is what I am seeking and hoping for too.

LoveMeNow

SFM and Erica - being strong does not equal being cold. It's funny how new feelings can be very uncomfortable.

When I first joined Alanon and my Coda group, I viewed many people in recovery as selfish and cold. But in reality, I was just not used to healthy, strong people. Now, I take it as a compliment when I am told I am becoming "selfish" by my sister who has always exploited my "codiness." No sister, I was always selfish because I was always trying to change and rescue you. I have had to go no contact with her for the time being and it feels good. I love her because she is my sister but she can be very toxic too if I don't meet her "demands." She could not handle me saying NO to her, oh well! Get used to it, dear sister, it is now part of my vocabulary.

supportforme

Erica - thank you so much for your words. They are so true. Such an accurate representation of what I've lived through.

LMN - I'm having the same issues with my brother My therapy isn't doing much for him either- I no longer allow someone else's problems to impact me - I love them from afar Not selfish - just keeping myself sane and healthy.