Son's birthday--terrible day
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I could never NOT do the birthday gifts although I really didn't want to get my son anything. It was never appreciated and was sold anyway. Glad to see you are sticking to your boundaries. (I didn't have any about gifts).
He would spend his grounding days being miserable and making sure I was too. Sad part was, I let him.
I know it must be hard but hopefully you will have many other happy birthdays to celebrate.
He would spend his grounding days being miserable and making sure I was too. Sad part was, I let him.
I know it must be hard but hopefully you will have many other happy birthdays to celebrate.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I used to get my mom a card when she was using. Any gift would have been lost or sold, but on the other hand I wanted her to know I loved her, even if I didn't love her addiction.
I went no contact for several years, but on her birthday I'd still send a card.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I went no contact for several years, but on her birthday I'd still send a card.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
I absolutely respect your right not to spend any money for birthday gifts or to celebrate the birthday. I understand why and the feelings behind it and support you.
We did something different though. Knowing the gift would be soft or unappreciated, we got an 'experience' as a bday gift: sports tickets we went to as a family, or Circ du soleil or something like that.
Not that I'm saying you should have done that. NOT AT ALL. I respect what you did and know it was harder than what we did. And probably more effective. I was just offering an alternative to doing nothing.
We did something different though. Knowing the gift would be soft or unappreciated, we got an 'experience' as a bday gift: sports tickets we went to as a family, or Circ du soleil or something like that.
Not that I'm saying you should have done that. NOT AT ALL. I respect what you did and know it was harder than what we did. And probably more effective. I was just offering an alternative to doing nothing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
This must cause you such deep pain. I'm sorry things are so hard for everyone in your family.
So many years ago, when I had to take my little baby for his immunization shots, I always had to fight back the tears when the injection made him cry. Doing the right thing to protect him from a much greater pain--a potentially fatal illness-- was so emotionally painful for me. But I found my strength. I was his mother and I had to.
You are just trying to do the right thing, as the parent of a young drug addict. And it hurts you. If he is actively using, it hurts you much more than it hurts him, this sad birthday. Human connection is not so important to an active user. But for you, it is such a tremendous loss.
I hope you have good support there to help you as you follow through with a commitment not to enable, which is always very hard, deeply hard. I am sorry for your suffering. May your son find recovery. With a parent in recovery, his chances are better.
So many years ago, when I had to take my little baby for his immunization shots, I always had to fight back the tears when the injection made him cry. Doing the right thing to protect him from a much greater pain--a potentially fatal illness-- was so emotionally painful for me. But I found my strength. I was his mother and I had to.
You are just trying to do the right thing, as the parent of a young drug addict. And it hurts you. If he is actively using, it hurts you much more than it hurts him, this sad birthday. Human connection is not so important to an active user. But for you, it is such a tremendous loss.
I hope you have good support there to help you as you follow through with a commitment not to enable, which is always very hard, deeply hard. I am sorry for your suffering. May your son find recovery. With a parent in recovery, his chances are better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 143
You did the right thing...I have 2 teenagers and tough love is hard. I am sure he knows you love him like crazy and one day he will be an adult and a parent and thank you. It may seem hard to imagine that as things are so bad but stay strong and life will work itself out. My heart aches for you...hoping things get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
Hi everyone,
I read your responses throughout the day and they helped me cope. EnglishGarden, you are so right--I hurt so much that I could barely breathe. The day was surreal.
I will get to a meeting tomorrow and talk about it with my sponsor. But you guys were a lifeline today. Thank you so very much for your support.
I read your responses throughout the day and they helped me cope. EnglishGarden, you are so right--I hurt so much that I could barely breathe. The day was surreal.
I will get to a meeting tomorrow and talk about it with my sponsor. But you guys were a lifeline today. Thank you so very much for your support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
ISOHumility: Hope your plans for the meeting and the sponsor somehow helped you to get through. I also ache for you. I'm actually welling up tears as I type this.
Drugs/alcohol are so ugly. They put our beloved addicts in situations where we as parents have to be the ones giving the vaccinations - and on their 16th birthday for crying out loud or any number of special occasions.
We are a Mama Posse here on this board. Others may not know how you could have "gotten there;" but we Mamas know exactly how special events get twisted.
From somewhere in God Calling: "Love bangs the door shut as well as opens."
Keep coming back. We are here pullin' for ya.....
Sojourner
Drugs/alcohol are so ugly. They put our beloved addicts in situations where we as parents have to be the ones giving the vaccinations - and on their 16th birthday for crying out loud or any number of special occasions.
We are a Mama Posse here on this board. Others may not know how you could have "gotten there;" but we Mamas know exactly how special events get twisted.
From somewhere in God Calling: "Love bangs the door shut as well as opens."
Keep coming back. We are here pullin' for ya.....
Sojourner
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
ISOHUmility, I know exactly how you feel. I can cope on most other days, but birthdays are especially hard for me. On the one hand I want my son to still know he is loved and on the other hand I don't want to contribute to maintaining his lifestyle. The last time I ended up just sending him an SMS. It is hard, because birthdays would be so much pleasure if things were different.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
Thank you again, Mamma Posse!
Back in August, when my son was clean and just after his accident, my husband suggested we throw a big party for him. We'd wanted to schedule it for the 13th, the day before his birthday, but due to conflicts it's this Saturday.
It was a lovely gesture. My husband has been proud of my son's sobriety, and the way he handled a major physical trauma.
Son has relapsed, but the show will go on. My husband doesn't know about the relapse, and it's too late to cancel the party. Also, husband doesn't know about son's relapse. I chose not to tell him because there is no understand or support to be had from him. He just can't. That's the reality. I go to my sponsor and my own support group. Son has plenty of people to go to for support himself.
With God's help, I will move on from this. Back in Step One. It's okay. I am exactly where I should be, and am willing to do the work. Al-Anon should help.
Back in August, when my son was clean and just after his accident, my husband suggested we throw a big party for him. We'd wanted to schedule it for the 13th, the day before his birthday, but due to conflicts it's this Saturday.
It was a lovely gesture. My husband has been proud of my son's sobriety, and the way he handled a major physical trauma.
Son has relapsed, but the show will go on. My husband doesn't know about the relapse, and it's too late to cancel the party. Also, husband doesn't know about son's relapse. I chose not to tell him because there is no understand or support to be had from him. He just can't. That's the reality. I go to my sponsor and my own support group. Son has plenty of people to go to for support himself.
With God's help, I will move on from this. Back in Step One. It's okay. I am exactly where I should be, and am willing to do the work. Al-Anon should help.
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