blackandblue

Just want to put it out there so I can go somewhere from here. I really miss my counselor and meetings right now being so far from home. I wonder if I was ready to come back to work in a 3rd world country yet. God- I just miss human contact from the people I love. I am far too affectionate of a person to go without a hug at the end of the day. Yes, I love what I do and where I am however I wonder why I am here where I so easily isolate.

When I read a list about codependency or ACOA traits, I cringe and check yes to almost everything on the list. It shows up in every day life with or without my ex around. It shows up when I isolate myself and it shows up when I am in vulnerable situations with people. Today it showed up all day while I was trying to figure out my next step and just got paralyzed all day. I realize that for many years I have disappeared from life. I am not sure what I am afraid of or if I just have to accept that I am not good at fitting into society.

I feel for me it comes back to self-esteem and self-worth. I sometimes feel like I allow others to dictate terms for me. In matters of work, relationships, etc. Instead of standing up for myself, I bottle things and then get depressed. I know when I am being taken advantage of and when people think they can walk all over me. It has made me realize that I have cared too much what others think about me as a way to seek approval or to be liked. This way of being is not working anymore. I want to learn to be more true to myself- the authentic self.

I have moved so many times in the last several years and find that now it is all catching up with me. That I don't want to put down roots anywhere on my own. So I justify by being out on the road living out of a backpack and working overseas. While, it appears to be a dream life. It is a lonely life. This is the time in life I thought I would be sharing a life with people I love and maybe a family. So now instead of holding on to what I thought I should be doing, I have come to accept that all of my decisions in life have led me right here right now. That is a hard pill to swallow.

I want to light a fire underneath me again to pursue my vision and enjoy life, not only serious matters in life like my work and what I have to get done. At the end of the day- I am on my own. I love my higher power but really is it just me and my HP for the rest of my earthly existence because I am doing a damn good job of being alone to the point where I think I might repel people and/or avoid people. In a way I think I put out a very unavailable vibe. Maybe that is it- maybe right now I am unavailable. Or maybe the freedom is something I do not know what to do with yet. Any suggestions? Any thoughts?

Ann

I am sorry these are troubling times for you. Even though life leads us down a certain path of career or geography, it doesn't mean we need to stay there if we are no longer happy. The question becomes..."Will I be happy anywhere else?".

When I move, I take my troubles with me. Until I address the issues deep down inside, where I am won't matter because it is "how" I am that is wrong.

Maybe make time each day to do some soul searching. Plan what your dreams would be if you could change your life and then make a plan to make your dreams come true. It can happen when you set your mind to doing what you need to do.

I wish you inner peace and happiness soon.

Hugs

blackandblue

Thanks for your kind words Ann! I feel I have made so much progress and wonder what this state is all about. Is it another step in the process? It must be. I just realized that "he" was not the problem. We just made a perfect dysfunctional pair. And by letting go of him I let go of drama and realized a lot of time has gone by dedicated to that drama.

Now I have turned my focus inward. I think you are right. This is not about where I am living and actually being here is what gets me in touch more with my true self. I still have to face what is inside. I just felt so transformed and then in the last couple of weeks have felt mild and worsening anxiety and depression. I thought maybe it is just homesickness or loneliness or both. I feel I have some decisions to make. And something deep inside is shaking. Like a lion that wants to be let out of a cage. Does that make sense?

LoveMeNow

Hi BlackandBlue - have you tried EFT (tapping) with Brad Yates. You can find them on youtube. I have to do at least 2 (15 mins) to feel better but then I really do.

Sometimes, I forget how much better it makes me feel and forget to take 15 mins for me. ughhhh

P.S. I talked to my therapist about tapping and she definitely believes in it. Hope you give it a try!!

blackandblue

Thank you LoveMeNot! I am familiar with EFT tapping and that is a great suggestion.

LoveMeNow

Isn't it odd how we forget what makes us feel better but easily remember what makes us so miserable?

Keep me updated, ok?

Katiekate

Will you counselor do phone sessions or skype.

I skype with my counselor when I can't make it to her office.

It's really awesome.

Self work is so painful, my guess is it's leading you to your joy.

So glad you posted. love to you and a hug, Katie xo

blackandblue

Will keep you posted. I am just getting ready for bed and already feel better. After I did some tapping I became pretty sleepy. Much appreciation and good luck with your new job possibility. Exciting! Blessings...BnB

LoveMeNow

Sweet dreams and thank you too!

blackandblue

I asked her about phone or Skype sessions before I left 3 months ago and have not had a response yet. Maybe it's time to try again. I have been working with another gestalt psychologist for a couple of sessions via Skype and wow that stirs up a lot. I am not even sure what the pain is about. My psych tells me it's as if I have the persona of a grieving child. Whether true or not, I really fought tears on this one. A lot has been coming up for me about childhood lately- memories I had forgotten. I feel there is something I am supposed to be paying attention to. Also, I do yoga 5-6x per week now pretty intensely as well as regular meditation. Since it has become more routine I think both of these practices might be unlocking some old stuff. I think I am just so excited to share life with people and I am learning how to do it in a new way. I am overly dedicated to not repeating old patterns so much that I think I am isolating or withdrawing as a defense mechanism to not get close to the wrong people again. Maybe I am doing exactly what I need to be doing and just need to make peace with that I am right where I need to be.

Also, yes LoveMeNot- it is easy to remember what makes us miserable which should lead me back to what makes me happy- music and writing- which I should have plenty of creative inspiration from these experiences. Yet- something is a little numb- the hole he made when I invested too much of my identity in someone else.

Think I just had an epiphany! Gratitude...