Just found out my husband is an addict
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 16
So I talked to him today, as I couldn't take it anymore. Laid all the evidence in front and asked for an explanation.
Well, he admitted he's using, but not cocaine. Amphetamine instead. I'm not sure which one is worse. Said he's been using for the last couple of months, and started just after our latest fight, as he otherwise couldn't focus on work. Still, he put all the blame on me for him starting using it, and said I've made his life miserable and there were no day lately that he won't think of a suicide, and that he'll be happy again only when I'm out of his life! I asked him clearly to chose between drugs or family, and he just repeated the same thing. I offered him help, but he said I can help him by getting a job. I know that lately money has been an issue, and he knows I was trying to get a job, while being a full-time mom.
I care about him, and I'm scared for him to get hooked up on this drug, but I can't give him any help if he sees me as an enemy. Neither I can live together with a man who chooses to use drugs for whatever reason, and put the blame on me. I don't want to cause him any harm, or (God forbid!) commit him a suicide, I really don't know what to do..
Well, he admitted he's using, but not cocaine. Amphetamine instead. I'm not sure which one is worse. Said he's been using for the last couple of months, and started just after our latest fight, as he otherwise couldn't focus on work. Still, he put all the blame on me for him starting using it, and said I've made his life miserable and there were no day lately that he won't think of a suicide, and that he'll be happy again only when I'm out of his life! I asked him clearly to chose between drugs or family, and he just repeated the same thing. I offered him help, but he said I can help him by getting a job. I know that lately money has been an issue, and he knows I was trying to get a job, while being a full-time mom.
I care about him, and I'm scared for him to get hooked up on this drug, but I can't give him any help if he sees me as an enemy. Neither I can live together with a man who chooses to use drugs for whatever reason, and put the blame on me. I don't want to cause him any harm, or (God forbid!) commit him a suicide, I really don't know what to do..
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" And that he'll be happy again only when I'm out of his life!"
Unfortunately, it sounds like he done with the relationship. It happens, drug addict or not.
I am sorry, however, I would believe him and move forward. He has made his choice, he is an adult, let him find his own way, his life, his choices.
Take care of you and your child, a minor childs well-being should be first and foremost.
Unfortunately, it sounds like he done with the relationship. It happens, drug addict or not.
I am sorry, however, I would believe him and move forward. He has made his choice, he is an adult, let him find his own way, his life, his choices.
Take care of you and your child, a minor childs well-being should be first and foremost.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
He is already hooked on the drug, that's not your fault. He says he wants to suicide, you can't stop him. He says he is done with the relationship, then take his word for it. He made his choice. Sounds like he wants to do drugs and be free from obligation. Stop worrying about him and take care of you and your son, because it doesn't sound like he is worrying about either of you. I don't mean to sound hard, this happens a lot to people on here when their partner is using, and it is especially hard on financially dependent women with children. I'm worried your addict is getting ready to take off. Get things you need sorted out, make sure he is not able to clear you out of all financial resources. Start looking into resources in your area. What is available to single moms with limited resources in your area?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by zaia 
Now I start understanding how could in just a second from friend become an enemy.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Zaia, I have to agree with CynicalOne--take this as an opportunity to leave as soon as you can! I think he's manipulating you in what I'd call a cluster#@$%, where anything that comes to his mind to upset you just gets entwined with the next thought: he's better off without you, he's thinking of harming himself, you should get a job, etc. None of that makes sense. You can make sense, though. You can take his offer and leave for a safer, sober home. I was reminded at my NarAnon meeting tonight that everyone should have the dignity to live their own lives, that we cannot fix other people, that letting go is often the best thing for everyone involved. Take care. And maybe consider this an opportunity.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by GardenMama
everyone should have the dignity to live their own lives, that we cannot fix other people
And again, thanks a million everybody for supporting me during this extremely stressful period. You have no idea how much that meant for me!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6
If you just found out after your child was 2 he may have been doing it for a while. My husband is an addict he drinks and I think Coke but not sure how much how often. He seems to use the excuse of the pressure of being a father and provider as why he uses. Their excuse never matters because it is an excuse. If your spouse has not confessed it may be, better that way. You know and know that if he gets to a point of confessing, anything he says and any reason or pressure he has is an excuse and you really don't need to hear it because you will probably get cought up in trying to understand his logic. Appreciate that you know and keep paying attention.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 269
I'd run! He's threatening you, blaming you, and talking suicide. And at the end of the day, you have a beautiful child who is living with an addict, and living in a house which contains drugs (whether on your H or hidden in the house). Please get out before something very bad happens.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Wow. My heart goes out to you. I discovered that my exah was addicted to heroin after we had been married 5 years and had a 3 yr old child. He turned into someone I didn't know. But he still looked like the man I married. So I would try to reason with him and cry and plead and beg and speak to him from my heart about my fears and how much I loved him and wanted and needed him to get clean.
I might as well have been talking to a wall.
You aren't dealing with the man you married anymore (or the man you THOUGHT you married). He is someone else now. He is a stranger. Drugs do this. They change people.
I tried for 3 years after finding out about his addiction to 'help' him get better.
He didn't want to get better. Oh sure...he said he wanted to get better...he said what I wanted to hear and he went thru the motions of 2 different rehabs and ended up in the psych wards two times as a result of drug-induced psychosis. Our home during this period was chaotic and unstable. And I raised my son in this environement for 3 years (from the age of 3 to 6) because I thought it was the 'right thing to do'.
I can't go back and undo what I did. But I can reach out to you...someone who is in a situation very simlar to the one I found myself in...and I can encourage you from the bottom of my heart to seek help and support for YOURSELF. Are there any al anon meetings in your area? They literally saved my life.
You can't fix him.
You can't cure him.
You didn't cause him to use.
You can't control his use.
THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONTROL AND HELP IS YOU. That's it.
Keep posting.
Keep reaching out.
You aren't trapped and you can find a way out. It IS possible.
Hugs
I might as well have been talking to a wall.
You aren't dealing with the man you married anymore (or the man you THOUGHT you married). He is someone else now. He is a stranger. Drugs do this. They change people.
I tried for 3 years after finding out about his addiction to 'help' him get better.
He didn't want to get better. Oh sure...he said he wanted to get better...he said what I wanted to hear and he went thru the motions of 2 different rehabs and ended up in the psych wards two times as a result of drug-induced psychosis. Our home during this period was chaotic and unstable. And I raised my son in this environement for 3 years (from the age of 3 to 6) because I thought it was the 'right thing to do'.
I can't go back and undo what I did. But I can reach out to you...someone who is in a situation very simlar to the one I found myself in...and I can encourage you from the bottom of my heart to seek help and support for YOURSELF. Are there any al anon meetings in your area? They literally saved my life.
You can't fix him.
You can't cure him.
You didn't cause him to use.
You can't control his use.
THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONTROL AND HELP IS YOU. That's it.
Keep posting.
Keep reaching out.
You aren't trapped and you can find a way out. It IS possible.
Hugs
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: durham
Posts: 11
Cocaine, dreadful awful drug. If he is suffering from Insomnia, runny nose, lack of appetite, short highs followed by long come downs including irritability, sense of doom, talkative for a short period it sounds like Charlie.
The only person who can help him is him, i have only been clean for 7 days after a six month binge on Coke. The addiction creeps up on you, you constantly chase the highs as they become shorter and shorter and the need to use more becomes all consuming. I started mine due to lack of self esteem after being asked for a divorce and the loss of my father within a few months. I realised that i didnt need it any longer even though today i nearly relapsed as today was the anniversary of my ex terminating our unborn 3rd child but fought through it but it is hard, people on Coke do not think they are addicted but believe me it is a cruel cruel drug and one which will cause long term health problems, the turnoff for me was the nose bleeds and the crippling acid burn both in the chest and the stomach
The only person who can help him is him, i have only been clean for 7 days after a six month binge on Coke. The addiction creeps up on you, you constantly chase the highs as they become shorter and shorter and the need to use more becomes all consuming. I started mine due to lack of self esteem after being asked for a divorce and the loss of my father within a few months. I realised that i didnt need it any longer even though today i nearly relapsed as today was the anniversary of my ex terminating our unborn 3rd child but fought through it but it is hard, people on Coke do not think they are addicted but believe me it is a cruel cruel drug and one which will cause long term health problems, the turnoff for me was the nose bleeds and the crippling acid burn both in the chest and the stomach
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 16
Thanks, Wooden16, for the insight of what's happening in your mind. I think this is the hardest part for me, trying to understand the logic behind. You are saying that people addicted to coce or similar substances don't think they are addicted. But how could it be so? They sure realize that they need more of it, and that the nose strats to bleed, and does all that seem normal? I just don't get it...
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 16
Outonalimb, I trully thank you for sharing your experience and giving me a much needed support! And I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through such a madness yourself. Keep your head up, and I'll keep mine!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Its such a unbelievable place to wake up and find yourself in! I know, I have lived with or in the nightmare of active addiction! I too was naive and did not think a person could use and be addicted! I thought if they work and such they could not be addicted. Boy was I wrong! My fiance had a weekend cocaine habit. That progressed to days off use that progressed to crack that progressed to infelidty and binges lasting for 2 days of "disappearing" which led to prostitutes! Yep I stayed through the progression, cause I was sick from the addiction environment and how I had been raised had also created a codependcy in me that I was completely unaware of! I loved and still do this man that fathered my children and wanted to believe everything he said to me. "I will get help, im sorry". He too was moody angry, always using the bathroom, always saying "oh my stomach" I knew that was his "excuse" to go into the bathroom for a while! I was sad, hurt, angry, confused, frustrated, resentful, anxious, focused on him and his using and consumed with how to make him stop, quit, get help! I even went to al anon because I just knew they could tell me how to "save" him! I was in so much pain and all I did was cry for the first 6 months in most of the meetings! I went 3 or 4 times a week if I could. And something happened I got better I did not even know I needed help. They did not tell me what to do, but the people in those rooms, the program and my higher power (God) changed my life. I learned about addiction and that its not personal, let it begin with me, the serinity prayer God grant me the serinity to accept the things I can not change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference! I healed and got courage and learned how to change what I could! I discovered a whole new way to live and slowly one day at a time with Gods guidance, the 12 steps, listening to others experience, strength and hopes was able to what I needed to for me and my 2 young sons!
I tell you some of my story because I can relate and shared your pain and confusion. I tell you this because their is hope! Your not alone as you see the amount of support you get from these wonderful people here that share their experience too! I know what worked for me and still works for me attending al anon meetings and working a 12 step recovery program! Sadly it does get worse and sadly many of our loved ones don't choose recovery for themselves. But they have the freedom to choose as we do, what kind of life they will live and how! I can't change anyone or make them do anything. I wish I could!
I encourage you to keep coming here and reading and go to a meeting al anon or naranon! Give it a try at least 6 meetings befor you decide if its for you!
God bless you sweetie and I will pray for you and your son and husband! Be good to yourself and remember your not alone and there is hope and let it begin with you! Easy does it, keep it simple and one day at a time, these are just a few of the slogans from alanon that helped me and still do!
I tell you some of my story because I can relate and shared your pain and confusion. I tell you this because their is hope! Your not alone as you see the amount of support you get from these wonderful people here that share their experience too! I know what worked for me and still works for me attending al anon meetings and working a 12 step recovery program! Sadly it does get worse and sadly many of our loved ones don't choose recovery for themselves. But they have the freedom to choose as we do, what kind of life they will live and how! I can't change anyone or make them do anything. I wish I could!
I encourage you to keep coming here and reading and go to a meeting al anon or naranon! Give it a try at least 6 meetings befor you decide if its for you!God bless you sweetie and I will pray for you and your son and husband! Be good to yourself and remember your not alone and there is hope and let it begin with you! Easy does it, keep it simple and one day at a time, these are just a few of the slogans from alanon that helped me and still do!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Amsterdam
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Originally Posted by zaia
Thanks, Wooden16, for the insight of what's happening in your mind. I think this is the hardest part for me, trying to understand the logic behind. You are saying that people addicted to coce or similar substances don't think they are addicted. But how could it be so? They sure realize that they need more of it, and that the nose strats to bleed, and does all that seem normal? I just don't get it...
I speak from experience
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 16
I'm better, GardenMama, thanks for asking! This means a lot to me! I appologize for late reply, my computer broke down last week, so I had limited accsess to net.
Well, just to let you know, I made a bit of a progress - I went to the meeting with legal-aid regarding best options for divorse procedure, got references to the lawyers and mediators, costs, etc. I have to make an appointment with lawyer, but prior I hace to talk to my husband once again, try to see if we can agree on things or not. And frankly, I'm scared talking to him, because of the reaction.
Then I had a talk with my man about the whole situation again - wasn't easy thou, as he said once again that he does want a divorse, added that he never loved me to begin with, and that marriage for him was just 'the right thing to do'
So anyway, after this conversation I got really bad anxiety/severe stress related feelings (my left face getting nymb, irregular pulse, choking feeling, vomiting, migrene, etc.) I know this is all stress related, as body releases adrenalin to the blood, but it was pretty scary. After I got better, I told myself, that this is ENOUGH. I can't let myself to fall appart for some guy who doesn't even care about me! Easy to say, but I also noticed that no matter how calm or logical I am in my mind, once I start talking to him, my body immediatelly jumps into stress-mode. I start shaking from the inside, and basically not much I can do about it. So, to put it short, I realized I can't push it, I have to take it slow and steady, and try to control my mind as much as I can.
Also, I started actively looking for a job in the UK, and got quite a possitive feedback in terms of matching vacancies. I hope I'll manage to find one soon, as then I could stand on my own feet again and move out.
My husband actually started acting really nice lately, and his behavior is a total contradiction to what he said. I stopped trying to understand him, I just left him do whatever he wants and focused on my things instead. It worked! I finally managed to get my balance back at least a bit, and that is a lot already.
I've read somewhere few pretty smart things abut relationships, which also helped me, and I'd like to share it with all of you:
1. Stop waisting time. You can never rewrite the truth
2. You must take back that part of yourself that you have once surrendered
3. Stand up straight. Hold your head up high. Find your pride and self worth again
4. Recognize what was toxic and remember that poison is deadly. Wishing differently doesn't make it so
5. Get over it and move forward
I know it's easier to say than to do, but sometimes those few lines of truth , and support from the people whom I don't even know, but who care about me, is all it takes to get yourself through the dark times...
So I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart!
Well, just to let you know, I made a bit of a progress - I went to the meeting with legal-aid regarding best options for divorse procedure, got references to the lawyers and mediators, costs, etc. I have to make an appointment with lawyer, but prior I hace to talk to my husband once again, try to see if we can agree on things or not. And frankly, I'm scared talking to him, because of the reaction.
Then I had a talk with my man about the whole situation again - wasn't easy thou, as he said once again that he does want a divorse, added that he never loved me to begin with, and that marriage for him was just 'the right thing to do'
So anyway, after this conversation I got really bad anxiety/severe stress related feelings (my left face getting nymb, irregular pulse, choking feeling, vomiting, migrene, etc.) I know this is all stress related, as body releases adrenalin to the blood, but it was pretty scary. After I got better, I told myself, that this is ENOUGH. I can't let myself to fall appart for some guy who doesn't even care about me! Easy to say, but I also noticed that no matter how calm or logical I am in my mind, once I start talking to him, my body immediatelly jumps into stress-mode. I start shaking from the inside, and basically not much I can do about it. So, to put it short, I realized I can't push it, I have to take it slow and steady, and try to control my mind as much as I can.
Also, I started actively looking for a job in the UK, and got quite a possitive feedback in terms of matching vacancies. I hope I'll manage to find one soon, as then I could stand on my own feet again and move out.
My husband actually started acting really nice lately, and his behavior is a total contradiction to what he said. I stopped trying to understand him, I just left him do whatever he wants and focused on my things instead. It worked! I finally managed to get my balance back at least a bit, and that is a lot already.
I've read somewhere few pretty smart things abut relationships, which also helped me, and I'd like to share it with all of you:
1. Stop waisting time. You can never rewrite the truth
2. You must take back that part of yourself that you have once surrendered
3. Stand up straight. Hold your head up high. Find your pride and self worth again
4. Recognize what was toxic and remember that poison is deadly. Wishing differently doesn't make it so
5. Get over it and move forward
I know it's easier to say than to do, but sometimes those few lines of truth , and support from the people whom I don't even know, but who care about me, is all it takes to get yourself through the dark times...
So I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
your husband on the couch eyes open but asleep-sounds exactly what ive experienced in ah and ex. both completely wasted. one drunk the other cocaine and anything else he could get his hands on. weird sleeping sign i guess.
then you notice the fits at random times the behavior change and post blaming.
then on top of that you caught him in an affair and he scares you.
hes got addict writting all over and as long as he is using forget rational and forget honesty and throw away commitment. he is commited to the drug now but that doesnt necessarily mean he cant overcome this but its going to take time . in the mean time dont confront him because 1.youll just tell him how to better hide it and 2. you dont know how hell respond or how negatively
the only thing you can do is by your time to get yourself situated and leave or leave now if you feel he is a threat.
by the way i wouldnt doubt the woman he was seeing was either his dealer or an addict too
then you notice the fits at random times the behavior change and post blaming.
then on top of that you caught him in an affair and he scares you.
hes got addict writting all over and as long as he is using forget rational and forget honesty and throw away commitment. he is commited to the drug now but that doesnt necessarily mean he cant overcome this but its going to take time . in the mean time dont confront him because 1.youll just tell him how to better hide it and 2. you dont know how hell respond or how negatively
the only thing you can do is by your time to get yourself situated and leave or leave now if you feel he is a threat.
by the way i wouldnt doubt the woman he was seeing was either his dealer or an addict too
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Thanks, Zaia, for sharing your efforts and plans. I hope things continue to progress well for you and your child--I think the more you focus on yourself and the little one, the things will get better and the anxiety will start to fade. Take care!
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