Faithlove

Usually when this happens, I turn away from everyone I know that will disagree with me.

My AH continues to live with me, even though I told him to leave. I did sign divorce papers but I haven't had them filed yet. I have been basically ignoring my AH. I've been sticking by my boundary of not allowing him to be alone with our babies or my older son. If I had an abundance of money, I'd move out. It's just not realistic.

We had a huge argument last night (over text) that ended with him asking me if I loved him. I feel like I could have taken the easy way out and said, "No." But I told him I didn't want to discuss that over texting. I feel like that's really sleezy of me. During that argument, I said things to him that I would have never said in the past.

He's maintaing that he's not leaving because he's done nothing wrong, recently. I told him that he continues to test positive for THC and oxy...and now he's addicted to methadone. I told him that if he cared about his sons, he wouldn't expose them to drugs. Etc. But, finally he asked if I love him. Why does he keep asking? What does it matter? I can love him and still realize I don't think it's safe or appropriate for me to be with him.

Love does not conquer all.

But, then he tells me how brokenhearted he is that I'm ignoring him; how much he loves me; etc. I do hate to see him hurt. I know he is hurting. I hear him praying himself to sleep.

Then the witch side of me thinks, "Good. He needs to suffer a little. He's never suffered. He just makes everyone else suffer. What about my heart breaking into a thousand pieces when I read his sexting messages between him and numerous other women? What about when I'd see the pages and pages of our phone bill of calls and texts between him and other women? What about when I suffered shame and embarassment and anxiety because of his drugging and drinking? What about his blatant lies to my face? What about when I'm just exhausted because 94% of the time he does NOTHING to help with the kids or the house?"

This is where I am.....again! God, I just want to break free. I guess I don't understand what he means by love. I do care about him. I want him to recover. I don't want to live with him while he's addicted to anything. I also really don't want to wait on him to see if he might recover. I don't want my life to be on hold for someone who's screwed me over like he has. And I don't want to crush his heart, like he says I'm doing. I wish I could just run away from this. I hate being here!

In other areas of my life, things are going well.

FindingErica

FL, you are a strong, compassionate, loving and worthwhile woman. Your gut has been screaming he needs to go. Your last paragraph, I could have wrote almost word for word when I decided I was done. I also held onto the divorce papers for two weeks after my move. My older brother came out and helped me fill them out and went with me to drop them off at the lawyer. I was so afraid of the fallout and had so many what ifs.

Remember, because I know you are a woman of faith. God has a journey he wants to take your husband on and God is capable of seeing the bigger picture. You are not God, and it is not in your power nor your place to save your husband from his choices or the grip of his addiction. God has a journey for you too. If I hadn't trusts my small voice, I would not be on the journey I am on. I've been reminding myself of all this when I feel I have to do yet another thing for AH.

Be strong. You have learned many things so far, and you just need to apply them. (((hugs)))

Ann

Sometimes if we wait, the answer presents itself to us, but sometimes we need to make a plan in case nothing else does change.

If he is actively using and sexting other women, odds are slim that he's going to stop any time soon...no matter how much he should or how much you want him to. Addiction is thoughtless and cruel to the family and loved ones.

You don't have to do anything today. But if you have family you can talk to, or a pastor, or trusted friend, maybe see of you can come up with something that will help you and your children escape from his dark abyss of addiction. Perhaps they can talk him into leaving, or present you with a better option than staying.

I hope the answer comes soon for you, this sounds like a terribly sad way to live.

Keeping you and your sons in my prayers.

Hugs

interrupted

I think you already know that he broke his own heart when he traded it in for drug abuse, manipulation, and infidelity. He broke it, so you can't.

The unknown is scary, but read my signature, you will be okay! To be perfectly honest, it seems like any step you took into the unknown would almost have to be a step UP. Take care of yourself, we're all praying with you!

LoveMeNow

My husband uses the "Do you love me?" line too. I think it's just more manipulation. I finally answered him saying, "it's impossible to love an addict who is not in real recovery. Anything else is a fantasy. " He has stopped using that line.

GardenMama

Then the witch side of me thinks, "Good. He needs to suffer a little. He's never suffered. He just makes everyone else suffer. What about my heart breaking into a thousand pieces when I read his sexting messages between him and numerous other women? What about when I'd see the pages and pages of our phone bill of calls and texts between him and other women? What about when I suffered shame and embarassment and anxiety because of his drugging and drinking? What about his blatant lies to my face? What about when I'm just exhausted because 94% of the time he does NOTHING to help with the kids or the house?"

I don't see a "witch side" here. I hear a woman who has suffered and is finding her power. Anger can move you forward, you just can't be afraid of it. Harness it as a fuel that will power you in the direction you want to go. Don't call yourself names, Faithlove. You are no witch! It's hard to not bend to such emotional manipulation, but you have the strength to stay centered. My ex refused to move out after I'd filed and I suffered for six months until I was able to find a place and move. Have a close friend or family member help you figure this out. You'd be surprised what friends will do for a friend in need. Take care.

Faithlove

Thank you all for your support!

I just want to clarify. He hasn't been texting or calling other women lately....that began at the beginning of the 2nd year of our marriage and continued, to my knowledge, through Dec 2010.

Of course, I don't check his phone records or texts anymore but I really don't think he's doing that now. However, a co-worker did tell me not to worry about him....he wouldn't be alone long after we finally do split.....

crazybabie

But, finally he asked if I love him. Why does he keep asking? What does it matter?

I have found that when getting desperate they look for things that they can use in their manipulation it sounds like most of his usual tactics have ran out also the question could be a form of manipulation.

You are a strong woman and compassionate you will be OK.

broken101

Thank you...