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Body Language/Verbal Abuse This could apply to both men and women. "Male role control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying your partner's physical and emotional integrity so that she will be afraid to be herself, will control herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by YOU." Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are "the way the abuser treats his partner" CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY: This form of control is very oppressive. When he tells his partner what reality is, he is playing God, he is discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH"-which in fact is a LIE. Some examples: That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened. That's not what you saw. That's not what you felt. That's not why you did it. I know you better than you know yourself!Abuse is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly. Check yourself out with these controlling behaviors or words: CONTROLLING HER TIME: The abuser controls his partner's time by making her wait. He will say he is ready to talk, but will continue doing something else while his partner waits. He will tell her he is ready to go to bed, then make her wait. If she complains of having to wait, he will blame her for "not having enough patience", "I have to wait on you too", or "Do you expect me just to drop everything!"-- thereby blaming her for HIS making her wait. This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or that everyone else is ready to leave. If the partner does something while waiting, the abuser will then angrily proclaim that "HE has been waiting on HER". A subtle way of controlling a partner's time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for her to do-then complaining about anything she does for herself, or what she does not get done. Other examples are procrastinating promised work (especially what she is counting on), "watching just one more program" or "playing one more game" (that goes on and on and on), refusing to give a simple and direct answer to concrete and direct questions (Are you going to do this or that. "We'll have to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do You think, I didn't know I was supposed to...why don't you figure it out!") The abuser may also control his partner's time by grandstanding. If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that "you're causing the problem by bringing it up," "no one else notices," "everyone else does, so why can't I," Diverting, countering, blocking, "forgetting," forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and "prove it" are also common ways to control the partner's time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it. CONTROLLING HER MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner's material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting", "I don't know how", or "I didn't know I had to". Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing her to act on her own, beg, plead, or do without. He then begins blaming his withholding on her acting on her own, begging, pleading, or "trying to be a martyr." In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from his wife that is necessary for her survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or his entire salary). He gives no thought to "spending his own money," or what his control and selfishness is doing to his wife and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while HE feels in control and free! CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together. This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger: Sulking Stomping out Refusing to talk Walking away Refusing to give her something Hitting or kicking something Refusing to make eye contact Driving recklessly Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs Withdrawing or withholding affection Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds Strutting and posturing CONTROLLING BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: By telling his partner she is responsible for his behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all responsibility for his own behavior. In other words, he avoids accountability by BLAMING. Examples include: I did it because you... You didn't remind me. You just don't see what I do. Just show me how Set a good example CONTROLLING BY ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting her down, especially on what she does best. Putting her up, praising or thanking her for trivial things rather than the big things she does, which demeans her talents, time, and energy, while implying she is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks. This category also includes statements such as: That right! You're a woman!! (said with disgust) What makes you think you can do that? I'm the leader, the boss. You're not THAT stupid. Just THINK about it. ITS THAT'S SIMPLE. CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER: Belittling Laughing at or smirking Offensive jokes Mimicking your partner Patronizing Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you" Avoiding eye contact, turning away Expecting partner to talk to you while you're watching TV, reading, game playing Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING to me" or "Whatever" Bafflegabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner Insulting your partner Making inappropriate sounds Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.." Accusing her of being "controlling", "having to have the last word" Excerpted from Dr Irene |
Wow, thanks Dolly, I needed to see this today. It's not just about partners or families, I see some outside behaviour that just isn't acceptable to me and how controlling it is. And...as I hang my head low, I must confess that I have been guilty of sometimes using those tactics too. I didn't really think of them as controlling at the time, but truly that's what it is. So, lesson learned today, and a copy of this goes into my "treasures" to remind myself again one day. Hugs |
The paragraph "controlling her time" is the best description I have ever seen of my life with AH. If they had added in waiting until the last minute to make unreasonable, comPlicated or impossible demands to complete a task, it would have been spot on. The most frustrating thing he would do is go take aa shower 5 min before we were supposed to leave, then yell at me and the kids that we are late if the kids got bored and wandered off to do something. In fact it has been so hard to put my finger on that behavior, I thought I was the problem. |
" The most frustrating thing he would do is go take a shower 5 min before we were supposed to leave." My exabf would do the same thing or we would be going to dinner at my families and he would eat a sandwich,chips right before we would leave, cause he was hungry,then not be hungry to eat the prepared dinner. My family thought he was nuts, they were right, he was and is nuts. |
I am always late and even when I know my husband is waiting in the car, I still find another task to do. (Like throwing a load of laundry in. lol) On some level, I have always known I liked to make him wait. I thought it was more of a passive/aggressive act. I defended my actions in my head, because I resented always being the responsible one - making sure the air is turned up, the doors are locked, etc. I just wanted him to dare complain. lol In fact, I see other things on this list that apply to me as well. A controlling, codependent, what are the odds???? :) |
OmG LMN, AH would do that too. We would all get in the car and then he would diddle around I would call it. He would have to get in and out of the car about three times to go back in the house and get or do this or that. Other way he would waste my time, would be to tell me let's go to bed. I would be tired and go get ready, lay down, wait with tv on. He would not be up an hour later, so I would call down and he would be annoyed, he's coming. Another hour, same thing. I end up falling asleep and he either wakes me for sex late and I'm too tired, or irritated. Or he berates me later for getting out of sex by falling asleep, then insinuates that I am frigid and has even asked if I was molested as a child (no). All of this made me feel abnormal and undesirable. |
Originally Posted by FindingErica
(Post 3621879)
OmG LMN, AH would do that too. We would all get in the car and then he would diddle around I would call it. He would have to get in and out of the car about three times to go back in the house and get or do this or that. Other way he would waste my time, would be to tell me let's go to bed. I would be tired and go get ready, lay down, wait with tv on. He would not be up an hour later, so I would call down and he would be annoyed, he's coming. Another hour, same thing. I end up falling asleep and he either wakes me for sex late and I'm too tired, or irritated. Or he berates me later for getting out of sex by falling asleep, then insinuates that I am frigid and has even asked if I was molested as a child (no). All of this made me feel abnormal and undesirable. I am so glad you are divorcing him and he is back on the market!! :react |
OMG - this hit home hard!! Not regarding my AF - yes, pertains to him, but my exhusband - we divorced 5 years ago - its like you walked into our previous home and described it to a tee!!! Of course, I am guilty of some of these behaviors as well. He was diagnosed as narcisstic borderline personality disorder - and you described how he interacted with me and my two daughters. Its scary because he boasted he never did drugs as he never wanted to lose control. At the end - after 10 years of marriage - I came clean to family and friends of how he was behind closed doors. Some of my closest friends and my counselor often referred to the abuse I suffered - although I felt guilty using that term - until now. WOW - I realize that he didn't have to actually HIT me to be abusive - and I realize the damage done. Sad but grateful!! Very grateful. Thanks for sharing!! |
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
(Post 3621887)
I am so glad you are divorcing him and he is back on the market!! :react |
Originally Posted by FindingErica
(Post 3621938)
Why are you shopping around? J/K |
I think this would need one of those Venn diagrams. These may be things that some Abusers do, but doing these things does not mean you are an Abuser, so I dont get it. A lot of them are just signs of irresponsible bahavior, lack of interest, or poor time management skills. But if Im wrong, then Im definetly an abuser and my poor husband.... I am always making him wait, and making us late. And hmmm.. I do have trouble listening to the long detailed work related things he goes off on sometimes.... I may shift my eyes, sigh.... |
Originally Posted by dollydo
(Post 3621047)
If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that "you're causing the problem by bringing it up," "no one else notices," "everyone else does, so why can't I," Diverting, countering, blocking, "forgetting," forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and "prove it" are also common ways to control the partner's time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it. |
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