What about this???? Crack rehab???
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
What about this???? Crack rehab???
my fiance/former fiance has had a 20+ year addiction. Was clean for 2.5 years and has had a relapse - 10 months of trying to get this thing under control - he's had great times/days/weeks - never beyond 7.5 weeks clean since January. Several binges - I took him back - despite the insanity and then 3 months ago changed the locks on the door when he left. I've seen and heard it all since then - but have stayed the course - I DO love him, but love the guy I fell in love with, not the addict. He's out of money, no decent place to stay and now all of a sudden has "seen the light". He's 3 days clean, gave up control of his money, and actually went to a meeting - the first in almost 2 years. So the question is - do I trust what I see, or stay in check with my history with him? I was actually feeling bad for doubting him, until he tried to manipulate me with - well if you aren't going to be my girlfriend, or wife, I just as soon move to _____ (the place he has the most connections and most near death experiences due to his habit)
Your comments are soooo welcome - I'm somewhat lost - despite how strong I've been throughout this crazy ordeal. Although, I am still shocked at how he expects me to just pick up where we left off, despite three months of crack whores, a ton of money gone, no contact while he's on a binge??? I don't get that part of it??
thank you and God Bless!!!!
Your comments are soooo welcome - I'm somewhat lost - despite how strong I've been throughout this crazy ordeal. Although, I am still shocked at how he expects me to just pick up where we left off, despite three months of crack whores, a ton of money gone, no contact while he's on a binge??? I don't get that part of it??
thank you and God Bless!!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
and by the way
tonight he decided to point out that the INITIAL reason he relapsed in January was after a fight we had and I said some terrible things to him -under the influence of alcohol. So essentially he was blaming me for this total downward spiral - although it backfired when he said - oh, but I'm not blaming you - and I said - good because I don't accept the responsibility. I stopped drinking for several months after that - then when I realized it didn't make a difference because he was still out drinking and drugging, I decided that my glass or two of wine wasn't going to be an issue anymore. But here we are 10 months later and he still throws this in my face.
Does the addict ever make sense after a relapse - I feel like even though he looks clean/sober his emotions/viewpoint is distorted? any thoughts?
thank you!
Does the addict ever make sense after a relapse - I feel like even though he looks clean/sober his emotions/viewpoint is distorted? any thoughts?
thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
He's blame shifting, guilting and manipulating. If he truly wants to get clean, he doesnt need to live with you to do it. In fact, living with you has nit made him clean up permanently. My dad always said that we value the things we work the hardest for. Let him work hard or his sobriety if that is what he truly wants, then he may start assigning more value to his life.
Oh yea, 3 days is nothing. You need much longer than that to even hope to see consistent behavior.
Oh yea, 3 days is nothing. You need much longer than that to even hope to see consistent behavior.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
there is a saying in the rooms of AA/NA..."that while the recovering person is in the room speaking about recovery the addict/alcoholic is in the parking lot doing push ups"...
meaning that the disease continues to progress...meaning that if I go back out there (I have almost seven years of recovery) my alcoholism will pick up right where I left it...possibly even worse. recovery is a daily reprieve based upon a spiritual condition and if your man hadn't been to a meeting in two years it is highly likely that he was neglecting his well being/self care/recovery (not that it had to be a meeting...just saying, he probably wasn't doing anything else, right?
all that said just as a way to let you know that although he had 2.5 years "clean"...it sounds like he has backshifted right to where he was...or worse.
what I have discovered is that anything and everything can and will be used as an excuse. whether we had sex or did not have sex. whether I let him in or kicked him out, whether I was compassionate or angry...it just didn't matter...because I was connected to him his addict used me as an excuse. I always thought I would be different because A.) I had some deep insight into recovery B.) I loved him and thought I could help C.)I was working an al anon program and thought I had healthy boundaries.
for me it just became too much work. he wanted desperately for me to believe I was on the same level as he was, he wanted to bring me down.
I still do believe there is a deep painful splittedness in him, and I still love him too. I still believe there is a part of him that is a very good man, but the tentacles of a twenty year addiction (with sporadic clean time) are twisted into him and have a deep dark grip.
I think that his addiction "uses" recovery to get some clean time...he "uses" recovery to enable his use! seriously...it's that bad. I asked him once why he wouldn't just grasp on to recovery as a way of life rather than a means to survive.
the blaming is part of the addiction.
I have come to the realization that this is why most addicts don't hit bottom until they have lost everything and everybody...because only then will they have nothing and nobody to blame.
after I "changed the locks" he went further on down the spiral...eventually lost the car that he had manipulated his sponsor into giving to him !! then his family bought him a car when he had about 7 or 8 weeks clean...basically they bought him a crack house.
now he is in treatment again for the 15th (?) time?
the last message he sent...which gave me all this latest info...
STILL had tentacles of blame...every little thing has hints of blame.
this is a big part of why I go deeper and more committed into no contact as the last year has gone by...and it hasn't been easy, but I had to learn this way. it had to kind of be a little bit gentle for me, I had to let my heart become sure, because it was being broken and grieving, and because of that I was also simultaneously dealing with, and healing, age old wounds.
I can say this with all clarity and confidence and assuredness...a crack addict, especially one who has been using...NO WAY. your ex sounds so much like mine. when I met him I had NO idea what the rules were...everything, and I mean EVERYTHING changes when crack is involved. I hope that you learn in a solid way about trust and care for your own life.
it was really painful, but this has been one of the strongest things I have ever learned.
I pray for his recovery and I have gratitude for my own recovery, and my own life without crack in it!!
I wonder what life will bring next, now that I have finished this 3 year lesson.
good luck.
meaning that the disease continues to progress...meaning that if I go back out there (I have almost seven years of recovery) my alcoholism will pick up right where I left it...possibly even worse. recovery is a daily reprieve based upon a spiritual condition and if your man hadn't been to a meeting in two years it is highly likely that he was neglecting his well being/self care/recovery (not that it had to be a meeting...just saying, he probably wasn't doing anything else, right?
all that said just as a way to let you know that although he had 2.5 years "clean"...it sounds like he has backshifted right to where he was...or worse.
what I have discovered is that anything and everything can and will be used as an excuse. whether we had sex or did not have sex. whether I let him in or kicked him out, whether I was compassionate or angry...it just didn't matter...because I was connected to him his addict used me as an excuse. I always thought I would be different because A.) I had some deep insight into recovery B.) I loved him and thought I could help C.)I was working an al anon program and thought I had healthy boundaries.
for me it just became too much work. he wanted desperately for me to believe I was on the same level as he was, he wanted to bring me down.
I still do believe there is a deep painful splittedness in him, and I still love him too. I still believe there is a part of him that is a very good man, but the tentacles of a twenty year addiction (with sporadic clean time) are twisted into him and have a deep dark grip.
I think that his addiction "uses" recovery to get some clean time...he "uses" recovery to enable his use! seriously...it's that bad. I asked him once why he wouldn't just grasp on to recovery as a way of life rather than a means to survive.
the blaming is part of the addiction.
I have come to the realization that this is why most addicts don't hit bottom until they have lost everything and everybody...because only then will they have nothing and nobody to blame.
after I "changed the locks" he went further on down the spiral...eventually lost the car that he had manipulated his sponsor into giving to him !! then his family bought him a car when he had about 7 or 8 weeks clean...basically they bought him a crack house.
now he is in treatment again for the 15th (?) time?
the last message he sent...which gave me all this latest info...
STILL had tentacles of blame...every little thing has hints of blame.
this is a big part of why I go deeper and more committed into no contact as the last year has gone by...and it hasn't been easy, but I had to learn this way. it had to kind of be a little bit gentle for me, I had to let my heart become sure, because it was being broken and grieving, and because of that I was also simultaneously dealing with, and healing, age old wounds.
I can say this with all clarity and confidence and assuredness...a crack addict, especially one who has been using...NO WAY. your ex sounds so much like mine. when I met him I had NO idea what the rules were...everything, and I mean EVERYTHING changes when crack is involved. I hope that you learn in a solid way about trust and care for your own life.
it was really painful, but this has been one of the strongest things I have ever learned.
I pray for his recovery and I have gratitude for my own recovery, and my own life without crack in it!!
I wonder what life will bring next, now that I have finished this 3 year lesson.
good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
PS...
he might expect you to pick up where you left off because maybe you're considering it?
I have been there many times.
dealing with active addiction transforms the gift of hope into the curse of codependency
he might expect you to pick up where you left off because maybe you're considering it?
I have been there many times.
dealing with active addiction transforms the gift of hope into the curse of codependency
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Crack is one nasty drug, and, he has been using a very long time. It is possible to recover for life, however, one must be totally dedicated to recovery, every waking moment of every day for the rest of their lives. few, can do that.
This is a progressive disease, left untreated, it will get worse, this really is all about you, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Three days is certainly not worth considering to do anything, what's the rush?
This is a progressive disease, left untreated, it will get worse, this really is all about you, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Three days is certainly not worth considering to do anything, what's the rush?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He's 3 days clean, gave up control of his money, and actually went to a meeting - the first in almost 2 years.
Sorry to go on, I just saw this today as a big red flag and thought I should warn you.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
to Ann - NO! thank Goodness I knew the writing on the wall and said no about controlling the money - and then I found out he "owes people". The family's secretary that is handling the money has had some strange things happening at her house since he admitted he "owes people".
Outtolunch - Yes I have a 14 year old - but the addict has not been in my house since July - that binge was a 10 day binge - preceeded by 4 nights in one week where he didn't come home - I changed the locks on the 4th night of him being gone and moved his stuff out that night. Then the 10 day binge came on and of course its my fault because I kicked him out. He hasn't been around my child and won't be as long as he is using - which I don't see changing. I feel so guilty to be so negative but I feel that if he realllllly wanted to be clean there are different things he could/should be doing.
Thank you all so much for your support and response.
Outtolunch - Yes I have a 14 year old - but the addict has not been in my house since July - that binge was a 10 day binge - preceeded by 4 nights in one week where he didn't come home - I changed the locks on the 4th night of him being gone and moved his stuff out that night. Then the 10 day binge came on and of course its my fault because I kicked him out. He hasn't been around my child and won't be as long as he is using - which I don't see changing. I feel so guilty to be so negative but I feel that if he realllllly wanted to be clean there are different things he could/should be doing.
Thank you all so much for your support and response.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by b2hope 
I have a 14 year old - but the addict has not been in my house since July - He hasn't been around my child and won't be as long as he is using.
You did not cause his addiction.
You cannot control his addiction.
You cannot cure his addiction.
Blaming you instead of taking responsibility demonstrates he is nowhere near being done.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I like what Dr. Phil says. "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."
He's got 20+ years of active addiction under his belt.
What do you want the rest of your life to look like, dear?
I know for me I had to go no contact with my EXAH after I completed rehab myself and relocated over 2 hours away from home.
Back then there was no caller ID, so I'd end up answering the phone when he called. It was so hard to hang up on him that first time, but each time it got easier. He eventually stopped trying to contact me.
He's got 20+ years of active addiction under his belt.
What do you want the rest of your life to look like, dear?
I know for me I had to go no contact with my EXAH after I completed rehab myself and relocated over 2 hours away from home.
Back then there was no caller ID, so I'd end up answering the phone when he called. It was so hard to hang up on him that first time, but each time it got easier. He eventually stopped trying to contact me.
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