FindingErica

Im writing this out because my anxiety is climbing. AH has been sending me emails today, one blame after another. Here they go in order.
1: My lawyer and I set up the court date for Oct 29- Im not sure why this is a problem as he is coming out that weekend. He seems to not understand I wasnt present, the court set it up and informed both of our lawyers.
2: why am I forcing him to take a parenting class. Again, Im not that powerful, all divorcing parents have to take this class, it is state law.
3: I shut down all the credit cards, I had no right and now he cant rent a car. First, I only shut off the one that was jointly in our name, it was maxed over the limit and according to the credit card company it was my right. The other Visa was in his name only, they wouldnt even talk to me, so how could I close it? No matter how many times I tell him that, he still blames me. In truth it was probably shut down because it was 3 mo late. Its all my fault though, he claims no rental car companies are accepting debit Visas anymore, he cant rent a car. He said "I'm not blaming you, just your crazy alter ego. Great, good going Einstein.". He likes to accuse me of "crazy" all the time because of my mother's and sister's diagnosis.

It doesnt matter, I am to blame for ALL his problems, I always have been. 18 years of being to blame. His anger over the past 4-5 years though drums up all my insecurities and ingrained fears from my childhood. My dad was always angry and yelling. I dont know why I am letting him get to me. Because I can hear the rage beneath his short emails. He is coming out on the 26th, I hate when he visits, it is so nervewracking. I feel like a bad person, did I just leave him in that new state to suffer while I moved forward. I didnt go out there. When I think about going out there, I was going to uncertainty, a new job if I had managed to find one before the move and his addiction and employment issues. But marriage is about trust and being trustworthy, and I feel like I broke that trust by not going out there. I didnt want to destroy him, I just felt I had to do the safest and best thing for the kids. And in truth, for myself. See how high strung I am right now, imagine how I felt when he was present every day. I feel like I need to help, to fix it for him. I even started looking up rental car companies that still accept debit cards. Then I thought he is capable of the same google searches. That is what I used to do, he'd get angry and blame, I would deescalate the issue by doing what he wanted or solving the issue.

It is hard for me to put in place good boundaries when I start accepting blame and responsibility. I just dont know how not to when there is some truth.

LoveMeNow

You are putting yourself back in the FOG!! Fear, obligation and guilt!! Go shopping, call a friend, go take a hot shower, something!! But for the love of God, get out of the FOG!!

xox

dollydo

You are carrying your childhood into adulthood, logically you know that you are not to blame, however when one retreats back to their childhood all is lost, common sense goes right out the window.

For every bad action, there is a bad reaction, you could not let him to continue to drain you and
your children financially. It is HIS problem, not yours. Let him get his own credit card, and, then he can rent a car...problem solved. He is an adult, might be time for him to put on his big boy pants and start taking care of himself. You cannot fix him, you cannot fix his problems, it is his responsibility to work out his problems for himself...it is not yours.

Set some bounderies, no need to read his emails/texts unless they directly relate to the well-being of your children....period, end of conversation.

Get back on the recovery train, stop the insanity, you know that you are doing the right thing, believe in yourself!

outtolunch

Take a pen and write on your hand " do not do for him what he can and s/b doing for himself" That's perhaps the greatest gift you could give eachother.

Sounds like the attorneys have everything under control. Is there any reason to maintain email contact, give the BS ? Just block him.

story74

Anxiety comes with divorce. Throw in addiction and childhood drama, and its crazy! Try some vallerium root tea (natural anxiety tea), st. Johns wort and try to exercise.

Can you send his emails to spam? Screw him. HE is angry at himself for the choices HE has made, and taking it out on you. YOU do not need to hear 1 word. Keep it all about the kids. Its the kids part that is complicated. When he comes to town to visit the kids, what can you do to have limited contact with him? From moving out of state, it seems to me he isn't really parenting. Right? So do you need to discuss much with him? Do the kids behavior change after seeing him? For me, everyone told me I shouldn't be at supervised visits, BUT I feel I need to be. I want to know how they are interacting and am making sure my son is ok. So, it was hard on me and still is, but all in the name of my child. My son is 4. So, it may be different. Also, my sweet xah is not allowed over my house and we meet at a park. What I am saying is that I set boundries. My xah is furious...how dare I take his son away from him. I'm vindictive. I'm controlling. Blah blah blah. Everything is my fault so he can sit back and do whatever he wants...not pay child support, debt, miss vists and disappear for 2.5 months. Think positive thoughts. What is good? Find yourself. Journal. You deserve so much better. Start making descions based on YOU and YOUR CHILDRENS needs. He moved. He left. He did drugs. He is selfish. F him. It is a hard road to travel getting thru this, but you can do it. Yoga saved me. Got all my anxiety out. I use to be so anxious I would be on edge just waiting for something to happen...I would freak when my phone would ring, hear a text or see that I have email.

You don't need him anymore. You don't need his anger. You don't need his stress

Hang in there mama, and get happy!

LoveMeNow

Suddenly he is all angry and blaming again after you get a new computer and shut his down?? Coincidence?? I would not underestimate him!! He is all about power, control and money. (addiction or not)

BeavsDad

Consider yourself lucky that he doesn't know the words to the Siren's Song...

hello-kitty

Can you set up a folder in your email and automatically have his emails sent there? That way, you don't have to see them when they come in AND you don't have to look at them unless you want to torture yourself by reading the garbage he is spewing.

crazybabie

(((((((Erica)))))) But marriage is about trust and being trustworthy, and I feel like I broke that trust by not going out there. I didnt want to destroy him, I just felt I had to do the safest and best thing for the kids. And in truth, for myself.

Erica, he broke that trust by doing drugs what choice did you have after that? Your being way too hard on yourself your anxiety level is likely already up because divorce does that he knows you and knows you well he is and will play EVERY trump card he has.

Go back and read some of your older post see where you gained strength and use it he will be there 3 days before court and you need to be as strong as you can be.

FindingErica

Thank you! Or as my therapist says, I need to choose to live in my adult self. When I retreat to the child self, I give in to irrational fear.

You are also right, the credit card mess is his doing. I made a choice to make sure the kids were taken care of which meant not depleting us to stay current on debt. Not even sure if I could have even killing myself with overtime. He was drugging and that contributed to his unemployment. The bills got behind so both of our credit is shot, therefore he has no credit cards to use and does not qualify at this time for a new one.

I have to stop parenting him and seeing him as childlike and needing rescue. It is not healthy for either of us.

FindingErica

Story, I think you are right. He has a hard time accepting responsibility and I have been his go to scapegoat for years. Part of NA/AA is making a fearless moral inventory and making amends with those that were wronged. I still only see superfiicial efforts in these areas. He talks a good talk and I will think he has changed, but as soon as he doesnt get his way, he starts making subtle threats and then gets angry. He told his uncle he is taying out of state for a year to work through the 12 steps. I just dont see a life changing alteration in his basic, core mode of operation yet.

The two times he has come out to see the kids, i have not seen a negative change in them. They seem pretty happy to go back to their daily routine and rarely talk about him.they never ask to call and he calls maybe once a week, usually less. There isnt much to say. He keeps them entertained constantly going from one activity to the next, filling them full of junk food and buying them stuff. In some ways I have to accept that that may be the meat of their relationship.

FindingErica

Mostly it is to determine when he is coming to see the kids. Which he hasnt answered fully yet. He knows he is coming on our sons birthday and that I have stuff of my own planned. He has not provided an arrival or departure time. This was not an uncommon tactic when we were married, he was always vague on times, which always kept me frustrated.

outtolunch

Given his addiction history and unreliability, does it make any sense for visitation to be supervised by the courts?