A letter I wrote to H a few weeks after joining SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
A letter I wrote to H a few weeks after joining SR
Dear SR members.
Most of you know my journey with H – whom I have known and loved deeply for over 15 years. Then in June this year – out of the blue – he screamed at me to ‘get the hell out of his life’. I suspect he relapsed on cocaine…. Anyway, there was no contact – and I joined SR! I saw H for the first time again a week ago. We met and talked. I posted how he said all ‘the things I wanted to hear’ – and a few months ago I would have gone right back into his arms. But thanks to SR and the incredible support here I am still walking. I am still okay. I hope you all don’t mind - but found this email I sent to H in July this year. I feel I have come such a long way since I wrote this email. But I am feeling ‘brave’ today – and would so appreciate your comments. Is it ‘pathetic’? ‘Co-dependent’; Okay? Would appreciate input… as I read it as okay and strong – but perhaps I still have a long way to go????
PS. ‘Vix’ refers to my sister.
“Darling H
You don't have to reply to this with long story - but even just to say you have received it - would appreciate as it's important to me I share this with you....
Those weeks ago in Zanzibar, with you just cutting me out of your life, really really hurt me. But, I know this sounds so strange - it forced me to really look at MYSELF and my intentions and wishes and dreams.
I know you are probably going to think I am completely crazy or weak or whatever... and I thought twice about telling you - but I know in your heart I am close to you and I do know you care deeply about me (and Vix and all of us) - so I feel it appropriate to share this with you.
I was so deeply wounded by that week in Zanzibar - that I felt I really needed to get support. I thought it was all about you - your addiction, recovery,all the stuff around it. So I joined An-Anon. But after a few weeks of therapy and sharing - I learnt the most important thing - that I am a little screwed up as a result of my dad being an alcoholic. That I am at times VERY co-dependent. And this explains so much about my relationship with you. (and everyone else close to me)...
The other thing I learnt, which has been very difficult for me to accept, is that I always believed that if I loved you so much, and did everything, and was always there - that you would be okay. And now I know that this behaviour is unhealthy, co-depedent and enabling. That it is actually showing you no respect - and not helping you at all! That this is your own private journey. And that I was actually intruding in your life. I believed I could rescue you - make up for the loss of my dad and brother -how insulting to you. And I am truly sorry.
You had the courage to recognise this. I just want to thank you for forcing me to heal myself too - all the crap from my childhood.
Anyway, both Vix and I are part of a 'recovery' programme - to learn about ourselves and why we behave and react in a certain way. I had no idea of the impact of growing up with an alcoholic dad had on us... but these past few weeks we have grown so much - I feel better about life - have not felt like this in a long time.
And I just wanted to thank you for putting me on this path.
And wish you all the best - and when we 'meet' again - may we both be healthier and stronger - start afresh.
God bless you
All my love to you
La”
Most of you know my journey with H – whom I have known and loved deeply for over 15 years. Then in June this year – out of the blue – he screamed at me to ‘get the hell out of his life’. I suspect he relapsed on cocaine…. Anyway, there was no contact – and I joined SR! I saw H for the first time again a week ago. We met and talked. I posted how he said all ‘the things I wanted to hear’ – and a few months ago I would have gone right back into his arms. But thanks to SR and the incredible support here I am still walking. I am still okay. I hope you all don’t mind - but found this email I sent to H in July this year. I feel I have come such a long way since I wrote this email. But I am feeling ‘brave’ today – and would so appreciate your comments. Is it ‘pathetic’? ‘Co-dependent’; Okay? Would appreciate input… as I read it as okay and strong – but perhaps I still have a long way to go????
PS. ‘Vix’ refers to my sister.
“Darling H
You don't have to reply to this with long story - but even just to say you have received it - would appreciate as it's important to me I share this with you....
Those weeks ago in Zanzibar, with you just cutting me out of your life, really really hurt me. But, I know this sounds so strange - it forced me to really look at MYSELF and my intentions and wishes and dreams.
I know you are probably going to think I am completely crazy or weak or whatever... and I thought twice about telling you - but I know in your heart I am close to you and I do know you care deeply about me (and Vix and all of us) - so I feel it appropriate to share this with you.
I was so deeply wounded by that week in Zanzibar - that I felt I really needed to get support. I thought it was all about you - your addiction, recovery,all the stuff around it. So I joined An-Anon. But after a few weeks of therapy and sharing - I learnt the most important thing - that I am a little screwed up as a result of my dad being an alcoholic. That I am at times VERY co-dependent. And this explains so much about my relationship with you. (and everyone else close to me)...
The other thing I learnt, which has been very difficult for me to accept, is that I always believed that if I loved you so much, and did everything, and was always there - that you would be okay. And now I know that this behaviour is unhealthy, co-depedent and enabling. That it is actually showing you no respect - and not helping you at all! That this is your own private journey. And that I was actually intruding in your life. I believed I could rescue you - make up for the loss of my dad and brother -how insulting to you. And I am truly sorry.
You had the courage to recognise this. I just want to thank you for forcing me to heal myself too - all the crap from my childhood.
Anyway, both Vix and I are part of a 'recovery' programme - to learn about ourselves and why we behave and react in a certain way. I had no idea of the impact of growing up with an alcoholic dad had on us... but these past few weeks we have grown so much - I feel better about life - have not felt like this in a long time.
And I just wanted to thank you for putting me on this path.
And wish you all the best - and when we 'meet' again - may we both be healthier and stronger - start afresh.
God bless you
All my love to you
La”
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Nice letter.
It would have been perfect had you not hit 'send'.
(^^^^that cupcake...makes me want to lick my computer screen.)
It would have been perfect had you not hit 'send'.
(^^^^that cupcake...makes me want to lick my computer screen.)
Seriously Cynical One I really do value your input - why should I have not pushed send???
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
yeah i agree with cynical one...writing letters like this are amazing and powerful, and very healing for us. you wrote it for yourself. the moment you send it, you are now wanting something back. some acknowledgement, a reply, an opportunity. leaving yourself open for disappointment and rejection.
i use to write letters like this full of good intentions and healing, but deep down, i still wanted them to validate my pain, my progress, and my journey. which actually meant i hadnt gone as far as i had truly though i had.
i hope you get what you needed from writing this. now onwards to bigger and better things. you have come a long way Lara, i know you are proud of where you are today.
i use to write letters like this full of good intentions and healing, but deep down, i still wanted them to validate my pain, my progress, and my journey. which actually meant i hadnt gone as far as i had truly though i had.
i hope you get what you needed from writing this. now onwards to bigger and better things. you have come a long way Lara, i know you are proud of where you are today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Lara, since you did hit send move past that part ... IMO from the time you started posting her you have made some great progress 
there is one thing that sticks out to me lately however almost all post you start still start with something about H...
Looking forward to the coming post that have no H in the title.
You have came a long way girl.
there is one thing that sticks out to me lately however almost all post you start still start with something about H...Looking forward to the coming post that have no H in the title.
You have came a long way girl.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by cynical one
Writing the letter brought you some closure.
Hitting 'send' left the door open for him to show up on your doorstep.
Hitting 'send' left the door open for him to show up on your doorstep.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Jody675
the moment you send it, you are now wanting something back. some acknowledgement, a reply, an opportunity. leaving yourself open for disappointment and rejection.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by crazybabie
one thing that sticks out to me lately however almost all post you start still start with something about H...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
you keep going Lara...time heals all wounds, and learning experiences that you survive, means that hopefully you wont have to go through this again, well maybe not on such a huge scale. when you can go a day without having a conversation about H then you know you are well on your way to normality again. good luck and hope things keep on the up and up as they have been.
ps the reason there are so many wise people in here is because we have all done the stupid things we are wisely writing about...lol
ps the reason there are so many wise people in here is because we have all done the stupid things we are wisely writing about...lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Jody675
when you can go a day without having a conversation about H then you know you are well on your way to normality again. good luck and hope things keep on the up and up as they have been.
ps the reason there are so many wise people in here is because we have all done the stupid things we are wisely writing about...lol
ps the reason there are so many wise people in here is because we have all done the stupid things we are wisely writing about...lol
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
