fed up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
fed up
Hello all.
First time poster but this isn't my first rodeo. I've been dealing with a now AexGF for 5 years. The relationship has been on and off, currently off. This time it's for good. We have 2 children. One is 4 and the other only 4 Months. She is an alcoholic who smokes crack.
5 years ago I met her and she was straight with me regarding her drug use. I was younger, no angel myself although never an addict. We had a short relationship that ended after I realized the severity of her drug use. At that time I ended the relationship, not fully understanding addiction and threw her to the wind. The wind blew her back pregnant. We established paternity, I did the dad thing and ended up with custody of our child after 9 months. The next year was great. I only cared for our child while her addiction issues were some where else. She would visit and have visitation. It went smoothly.
I made the mistake of taking her back before she addressed her addiction issues. Some boyfriend beat her up and I felt horrible. I blindly took her into my home and we tried the family thing on top of her issues. It worked at times but mostly didn't. I enabled, I denied the issue and hid her extreme behavior from family. We had another baby through all of this and things were looking up at times.
Ultimatly her drinking got heavy and dangerous for the children. Any confrontation resulted in her leaving the home to binge on drugs for the night. I would either miss work or have my parents come over and care for the kids. Eventually she would come back, crawl into bed and sleep it off. When she woke it was as though nothing happened and it would never happen again.
I couldn't take it any longer.
I had the Police wake her up that last time and remove her from our home. She came back again and I had Police there waiting. I suppose she grasped my point and commited herself.
I'm sitting up tonight because she gets out tomorrow, after 5 days of detox and 28 days of rehab. For the past month I've been caring for an infant and a 4 year old who is dealing with adult issues. It's rough.
AexGF and I spoke once, it didn't go well. It's all my fault but I know it isn't.
How does one deal with this?
First time poster but this isn't my first rodeo. I've been dealing with a now AexGF for 5 years. The relationship has been on and off, currently off. This time it's for good. We have 2 children. One is 4 and the other only 4 Months. She is an alcoholic who smokes crack.
5 years ago I met her and she was straight with me regarding her drug use. I was younger, no angel myself although never an addict. We had a short relationship that ended after I realized the severity of her drug use. At that time I ended the relationship, not fully understanding addiction and threw her to the wind. The wind blew her back pregnant. We established paternity, I did the dad thing and ended up with custody of our child after 9 months. The next year was great. I only cared for our child while her addiction issues were some where else. She would visit and have visitation. It went smoothly.
I made the mistake of taking her back before she addressed her addiction issues. Some boyfriend beat her up and I felt horrible. I blindly took her into my home and we tried the family thing on top of her issues. It worked at times but mostly didn't. I enabled, I denied the issue and hid her extreme behavior from family. We had another baby through all of this and things were looking up at times.
Ultimatly her drinking got heavy and dangerous for the children. Any confrontation resulted in her leaving the home to binge on drugs for the night. I would either miss work or have my parents come over and care for the kids. Eventually she would come back, crawl into bed and sleep it off. When she woke it was as though nothing happened and it would never happen again.
I couldn't take it any longer.
I had the Police wake her up that last time and remove her from our home. She came back again and I had Police there waiting. I suppose she grasped my point and commited herself.
I'm sitting up tonight because she gets out tomorrow, after 5 days of detox and 28 days of rehab. For the past month I've been caring for an infant and a 4 year old who is dealing with adult issues. It's rough.
AexGF and I spoke once, it didn't go well. It's all my fault but I know it isn't.
How does one deal with this?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You deal with it one day at a time, that's all any of us can do.
Her actions, when she returns, will tell you more than her words. But please, until she has significant clean time under her belt (6 months or more) do not leave the children in her care.
I know it's a big load to have two children that young, but they are the innocents here and somebody has to take responsibility for them no matter how hard it is. It's good you have your parents to help, but please keep them safe.
Someday soon, you will need to look at your life and decide if this is how you want to live. Perhaps by then things will be much better, but if things are the same, then it may be time to call it a day and move on.
My prayers go out for your family.
Hugs
Her actions, when she returns, will tell you more than her words. But please, until she has significant clean time under her belt (6 months or more) do not leave the children in her care.
I know it's a big load to have two children that young, but they are the innocents here and somebody has to take responsibility for them no matter how hard it is. It's good you have your parents to help, but please keep them safe.
Someday soon, you will need to look at your life and decide if this is how you want to live. Perhaps by then things will be much better, but if things are the same, then it may be time to call it a day and move on.
My prayers go out for your family.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Thank you for stepping up for your kids, addiction is a very confusing and damaging thing to grow up around.
You're right to be weary of her recovery. If she is still playing the blame game then she's not really working her program. There are some really tough decisions in front of you, but like Ann said: pay attention to her actions instead of her words. Now is a good time to set some boundaries for yourself and your children, and have a plan in place for how you will react if those boundaries are violated.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, I know how painful it is, but I'm glad you found us. Keep posting, it helps!
You're right to be weary of her recovery. If she is still playing the blame game then she's not really working her program. There are some really tough decisions in front of you, but like Ann said: pay attention to her actions instead of her words. Now is a good time to set some boundaries for yourself and your children, and have a plan in place for how you will react if those boundaries are violated.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, I know how painful it is, but I'm glad you found us. Keep posting, it helps!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
Thank you Ann.
I've already made the decision to move on. I'm not allowing her to come home. Her belongings are packed and ready to go. She's homeless now, but I have no other choice because there are innocents involved. I know I'll have to deal with her for the rest of my life because we have children, but I just can't stomach the emotional beat down of living with an addict.
I've already made the decision to move on. I'm not allowing her to come home. Her belongings are packed and ready to go. She's homeless now, but I have no other choice because there are innocents involved. I know I'll have to deal with her for the rest of my life because we have children, but I just can't stomach the emotional beat down of living with an addict.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to Sr - I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. 
Hopefully, the rehab has given her a list of resources and Sober living houses in your area if she desires to continue her recovery. She has a long way to go and you are very wise to remove yourself and your children from this situation.
Hopefully, the rehab has given her a list of resources and Sober living houses in your area if she desires to continue her recovery. She has a long way to go and you are very wise to remove yourself and your children from this situation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Thank you for putting the childrens best interests first.
If the tables were turned, she might be inclined to take you to court for child support. That is also an option for you to consider at some appropriate future date.
If the tables were turned, she might be inclined to take you to court for child support. That is also an option for you to consider at some appropriate future date.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Thank you for putting the childrens best interests first.
If the tables were turned, she might be inclined to take you to court for child support. That is also an option for you to consider at some appropriate future date.
If the tables were turned, she might be inclined to take you to court for child support. That is also an option for you to consider at some appropriate future date.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
You seem like a stand up man and you do not in any way shape or form deserve this kind of life. I keep telling myself that too!
I agree with ANN, about watching her actions. The actions will mean more than anything coming out of her mouth. I found it really helpful to keep posting. Sometimes all we need is for someone to put their hand out if we start to fall back into the darkness.
Good luck with it all and I hope you keep us posted.
I agree with ANN, about watching her actions. The actions will mean more than anything coming out of her mouth. I found it really helpful to keep posting. Sometimes all we need is for someone to put their hand out if we start to fall back into the darkness.
Good luck with it all and I hope you keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
Thank you all for your support. This definitly helped me through my day.
It was a very tough day for our family, and tomorrow is sure to be another tough one. It hurt to see her but I was put at ease by her behavior. We didn't speak much. I let her spend time with the kids at a family member's house with tons of family present. It was healthy for everyone.
She wasn't hostile or argumentative about her situation. Her family and I set boundaries, so now time will tell. She went to a meeting and is beginnning to network with others she knows in recovery. Her family is allowing her to stay with them for a few days until she can get into a sober living home, and set up her outpatient. It's promising.
Today I had to constantly tell myself that I can't be the one to pick her up anymore. Taking her back wont make her better.
I understand what you guys are talking about with the child support and legal stuff. When I found out she was pregnant the first time the first thing I did was teach myself family law. I recommend that anyone who has a child out of wedlock make this their first priority. I read every book I could regarding the matter, figured out how to navigate the courts and familirized myself with my state's child custody laws. Learn what your state considers a child's best interest and adhere to every stipulation religiously.
I dislike court although I understand it's necessary in certain situations. I went through the custody with our first child, pro se because I wasn't close with her family at that point in time and felt it necessary to gain authority over the situation. I did, this past month, get a TOP against her on behalf of the children when the back and forth was going on with the police. I later withdrew it without prejiduce when I learned she was in rehab. Kicking someone when they're down isn't kosher in my book. The without prejiduce puts everything back on the table if the situation sours. In my opinion possible litigation is enough to make someone behave.
It all boils down to family though. I'm blessed that I have an excellent working relationship with hers as well as my own. There are so many responsible adults looking out for our children that courts arn't necessary. We're all on the same page in this matter.
Thanks again.
It was a very tough day for our family, and tomorrow is sure to be another tough one. It hurt to see her but I was put at ease by her behavior. We didn't speak much. I let her spend time with the kids at a family member's house with tons of family present. It was healthy for everyone.
She wasn't hostile or argumentative about her situation. Her family and I set boundaries, so now time will tell. She went to a meeting and is beginnning to network with others she knows in recovery. Her family is allowing her to stay with them for a few days until she can get into a sober living home, and set up her outpatient. It's promising.
Today I had to constantly tell myself that I can't be the one to pick her up anymore. Taking her back wont make her better.
I understand what you guys are talking about with the child support and legal stuff. When I found out she was pregnant the first time the first thing I did was teach myself family law. I recommend that anyone who has a child out of wedlock make this their first priority. I read every book I could regarding the matter, figured out how to navigate the courts and familirized myself with my state's child custody laws. Learn what your state considers a child's best interest and adhere to every stipulation religiously.
I dislike court although I understand it's necessary in certain situations. I went through the custody with our first child, pro se because I wasn't close with her family at that point in time and felt it necessary to gain authority over the situation. I did, this past month, get a TOP against her on behalf of the children when the back and forth was going on with the police. I later withdrew it without prejiduce when I learned she was in rehab. Kicking someone when they're down isn't kosher in my book. The without prejiduce puts everything back on the table if the situation sours. In my opinion possible litigation is enough to make someone behave.
It all boils down to family though. I'm blessed that I have an excellent working relationship with hers as well as my own. There are so many responsible adults looking out for our children that courts arn't necessary. We're all on the same page in this matter.
Thanks again.
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