gfofaddict

Hi, I'm the girlfriend of a man who is addicted to spice. This situation requires a little bit of backstory. We met and became friends as 'smoking buddies' (marijuana) and stayed in touch for a year and a half. When my marriage failed, we reconnected and finally realized our feelings for each other were more than that of friendship. We have been together for a month shy of two years now. Until a little over a year ago, we were avid potheads. Then this spice stuff really started to hit it big and we converted. We thought it was a better alternative to smoking pot because it was 'legal'. Well, I became pregnant and quit smoking it, because I have a little bit of common sense. I quit smoking cigarettes, too. My boyfriend- let's call him Fred for reference's sake- continued to smoke spice, cigarettes, and occasionally, weed.
Due to unfortunate circumstances we were forced to move, and the only option we had was a friend of mine, a couple states away. While she was driving up to get us, we sat down and had a talk; we agreed that we were starting a new life, and that we would leave the weed and spice behind us when we left. For old time's sake, he finished off what he had left of the spice, and told me he was going to throw out his pipe right before we left.
Well, that night, when we arrived at our new home, he and I sat outside alone to talk about the move, and he produced his pipe, and a new bag of spice that he'd apparently bought on the way. I asked him why he didn't stick with our agreement to a new start, and he justified it with the excuse of motion sickness.
That was that, until he became friends with an unsavory fellow who got him back on spice. Then the unsavory fellow went to jail, for whatever reason. Fred was fine for a very long time. And then he met this VERY unsavory couple- let's call them Jack and Jill. They smoked spice like there was no tomorrow. And he, of course, partook. Again, I tried talking to him, and he had excuses to justify why he was smoking it. I asked, begged, pleaded, and even threatened for him to stop, and he said he would, but he didn't. I kept catching him smoking it.
For about a month around the time our baby was born, Jack and Jill were not allowed to come around because there was suspicion that they had stollen things from my friend with whom we live. Then they were allowed back. And Fred started smoking spice again. He lied to me about it at first, but let's face it: there's no hiding that horrible smell, or his eyes being red as a devil and more glazed than a Krispy Kreme donut, and of course, the mumbling when he talks because he's stoned out of his mind and can't carry on a conversation with me.
He kept saying he would stop, but he didn't even slow down. He just tried to hide it better. Finally I gave up and settled for asking him to at least keep it away from the house. He agreed. But I've caught him over and over again. Finally, I couldn't take it any more. I broke up with him, saying that we needed to get back to our friendship and work on our trust issues before we could be in a relationship again. I begged him not to go to someone else, that I wanted to be with him, but that we had to work on trust first. That night, he got drunk and 'spiced-out' and had sex with Jill outside on the side of the house, right next to my bedroom window, where I was nursing our one month old baby. They never even told me until a week later. He had sex with her without protection, knowing that she had an incurable STD, and then the next day, he asked me if we could be friends and still have sex! He exposed me to an STD without even telling me there was a risk. He continued to smoke spice, and smoked it more and more, and continued to say he would keep it away from the house, yet there he was smoking it on the side of the house when he thought I wasn't looking.
Tonight, he was hiding under an overturned empty fish pond- the kind you put in a small garden or something- smoking spice. Earlier today, I saw a new bag of it in the pocket of the shorts he was wearing, after he had JUST said again that he'd keep it away from the house when I caught him packing his bowl.
It's gotten really bad. Last week, he was smoking spice in the next door neighbor's back yard and fell asleep. He was nowhere to be found for two hours that night, sleeping in the neighbor's back yard because he had gotten so high.
Every time I've confronted him about the spice, he has gotten abusive. He went from not being violent at all in any way before we moved, to pushing me across the room, grabbing my face and arms, throwing me across the room, kicking me into doors, last night he tried to strangle me on the bed and break a valuable possession of mine that I hold very dear. Tonight when I caught him hiding under the fish pond, he grabbed me by my neck and choke slammed me into the fence, then yanked me up by my arm to throw me again but I got away. I've locked the doors and pushed the furniture in front of the doors. I'm so scared. This isn't him. He's not himself at all.
I don't want to involve the police because I'm just not that kind of girl. I can't bring myself to do it. If he ever hurt the kids, or hurt me to the point that I needed medical attention, then yes, but otherwise, I can't bring myself to call the police on him.
I don't fear for our children's safety. It's all directed toward me, and only when I confront him in any way about the spice.
My point of all of this is: he used to be a wonderful man. I couldn't ask for a better man with whom to build a family. We were happy, no problems at all, until he started smoking the spice here. Now I don't even know him.
He isn't spending all his money on spice, but he does run off and get high every half hour or so, disappearing for an hour or more at a time, when he's not working. And he's getting increasingly more violent, the more he smokes that stuff.
Please, someone tell me what I can do to stop this cycle? He's the father of my baby. I already have one child without his father in his life; I can't bear to have both of my children fatherless. He really is a good person when he's not smoking spice. Now he's violent, and he always has a way to justify his usage; he says he's not justifying it, only 'clarifying' the reason he's doing it.
He can't seek professional help because right now he's been working and saving money up to catch up on child support he fell behind on when we moved six months ago, and until he has enough to pay it off, which should be very soon, he has to 'lay low' or go to jail, where he will get even further behind with no way to pay it.
What can I do? What am I doing wrong? I can't let this continue like it is. He's getting more violent and aggressive. He's breaking my heart. He's acknowleged that he has a problem, and keeps saying that he's cut back, when in truth, he's almost doubled his consumption. He thinks that he's been weaning himself off of it when he's really been smoking it more.
What can I do? Please, someone tell me something. My heart can't take any more of this; I can't take more abuse, and I can't just watch him destroy himself with this drug and destroy our family. Please help me.

CanfixONLYme

I'm really sorry you are going through this keep reading the posts on here and the stickies at the top. They have been a tremendous help to many including myself.

With that said, I normally don't give people advice on what they should do but in this circumstance, your abf is crazy on spice and he's already been abusive towards you. It's only going to get worse - and he may end up harming not only you but your children as well. how are you going to stop him? You can't. You can only control your own actions / choices.

ALL of our addicted loved ones are "amazing" and "wonderful" people when they are clean and sober. The fact is that your abf is extremely volitile and is deep in the throes of his addiction. The man you love is NOT there and won't be unless he himself finds the courage to get better.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Please keep you and your family safe k? We care.

incitingsilence

You wrote this isn’t him…
But you see it is. This is how he is now and this should be the single most important thing you keep in your head. He will get worse, putting you and your child in more danger. Waiting on an injury than involves medical attention is a risk, one that could mark the end of your life.

For your own sake do not engage him when he is high or when he is coming down either. Oh hell you should distance yourself as much as possible for your own safely and the welfare of your child.

What can you do?

Well that depends on what perspective you are asking the question.

If it is what can you do in terms of him … NOTHING. You might think you can do something but you can’t. Nothing you do or say will get him to stop. This is all his. And of course he justifies his using. He is an addict, he will do everything he can to protect his addiction.

Now what you can do in terms of you … Everything and the most important thing is to make sure that you are your child are safe always.

So ask yourself does being around him keep you safe or put you in danger?
Also you need to ask if it is acceptable that he had sex with someone else and put you in danger?
Is it acceptable to be choked and thrown, and pushed around?

And they need to be asked without using the drug as an excuse. The drug is not the blame for his behavior, he is.

You know how you wrote of how he justifies his using … Think about it, he is doing nothing different than you are right now. Look at you, how you justify taking a beating, how you make excuses for not calling the cops, for accepting his insane behavior. Look at the lies you are telling yourself. They will be much more important than the one he tells you.

Keep it simple, keep it in the reality of the situation. You are putting yourself at risk. Aren’t you worth more?

Please take good care of you, it is a must.

Stay safe.

dollydo

Your children must come first, period. The US Dept of Health considers a child living in a home where addiction is present a form of child abuse. Your local CPS can come in and take the children from you, as it should be, no child should be raised in a home where abuse and addiction is present. The children hear and see everything, they, as adults, will have learned from you. what you consider to be acceptable behavior they will carry their childhood into adulthood.

He has shown you who he really is, believe him, he is an abusive, drug addict, and it will get worse, not better, both are progressive diseases. To top it all off, he is a cheater who
has possible given you an STD.

Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum, read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie
and cynical one(s) blog which also can be gotten to at the top of this page...knowledge is power, learn all you can about addiction and abuse, they do not necessarily go hand in hand.

You and your children deserve so much better, it will be up to you to get it.

gfofaddict

I know it's only been a few days, but I have an update. The next morning, Fred came back after sleeping outside on the ground somewhere, and we got into an arguement about the recent and past events. The arguement ended with him walking out to go do (guess what!) get high to 'calm down.' He was gone for about a half hour, and when he came back, I could sense that something had changed before I even looked at him.
He came to me and appologized with tears on his cheeks for what he had done, how he'd been acting. He told me he had dug a hole, emptied his bag of spice in the hole, peed in it (I know it sounds funny or wierd or stupid, or all of the above, but he was being serious) and burried the hole.
He said that after seeing what he had done because of his addiction, he was done with it. "You've told me this before, Fred," I said, and he said he meant it this time, that he wasn't just gonna cut back, wasn't just gonna keep it away from the house. He was done. "You have to understand that I can't believe you until I see it happen," I told him, and he nodded. He appologized again and again for what he had done.
Since then, he has been smoke free. He smokes cigarettes, which I'm okay with, but no spice at all. It's been incredibly hard for him, though. It breaks my heart to see him in so much pain and discomfort, but I KNOW it's for the best for all of us. He's been dealing with stomach pains, vomiting, diarheah, dizziness, hot and cold flashes, fluttering heartbeat- all symptoms of DT. Underneath all that, though, I can see the real Fred coming back, fighting to be in control of himself again.
He says he still wants the spice, that he fiends for it, but that he's fighting that. I keep reminding him that he can get through this, and he will come out on top. I tell him how proud I am of him for making this decision and standing by it.
Before spice, he had never been aggressive to me in any way, shape, form, or fashion. He didn't do ANYTHING that didn't make sense. On spice, he was being downright rediculous, and scary. It's only been a few days, and I understand it takes time, but I'm being supportive of him, and he wants to get through this and never go back.
I understand a little bit of how hard this is for him because I used to struggle with alcoholism, and I, too, got stuck on the spice (though it was a lot easier for me to kick the spice habit because I didn't want to hurt the baby when I found out I was pregnant). But I still get itchy all over when I think of spice, and every once in a while, I think that I smell it when it's nowhere around. I understand addiction, but I also understand that the experience is different for some people. What I went through with my struggle was nothing compared to what he's going through right now, and the kind of support that would have helped me through doesn't help him, it only annoys him. I;m having to learn how to be there for him in a way that helps and doesn't just make him want it even more.
We love each other very much. It hurts me deeply to watch him go down this path and struggle so hard to get back. I don't hold hard to him for hurting me, because I understand what it's like to do things and not realize it until it's too late. But it opened his eyes to just how far he'd gone, and gave him the drive he needed to kick this addiction.
Thank you all for your concern and advice. We are safe. When Fred feels like he's getting frustrated to the point of aggression, he steps outside away from everyone until he calms down. Reminds me of the Incredible Hulk a little bit.
Be assured that the kids and I are all safe. If you pray, please pray for Fred, for strength and determination, and please pray for wisdom for me to be supportive of him in a way that helps him.
Thank you all, and I'll be back to update again at a later point.

broken101

Please don't wait until the abuse gets worst, what's he going to do then justify that he did not mean to hurt you because he was high? He is not the same wonderful man that you once knew. Abuse be it physical, emotional or verbal abuse is not acceptable, period. So you are not going to do anything up until the point that you need medical attention? What if you are hurt so bad that you have to stay in the hospital who's is going to take care of your child? That's the craziest thing ever, please don't wait until then it may be too late. You don't deserve to be abuse. He also intentionally put you at risk to an STD, to me this means that he does not care for you enough to protect you (hugs I was put at risk the same way) he cares about his high more. Please don't put your child through this. I went to get tested and found out I was 7 weeks pregnant ( I have Polycystic ovaries, so being late it not unusual) I will not contact me ex to tell him this as I will not expose myself or my unborn baby to this environment. And I will fight to my death to protect my child from growing up around an addict. Take action now before it's too late it not about you anymore its about the children.
I am happy that things are better but I think he may go back again he is just in withdrawal mode not recovery, don't think he is better just yet and I pray that you and the kids are indeed safe. Luvs.

dollydo

"Be assured that the kids and I are all safe."

Possibly for the moment...please protect yourself and your children...IMO it always must be minor children first.

gfofaddict

It's the end of the fourth day spice-free for Fred. He's still getting sick from DT but I don't think it's as bad as it was at first. Today he's been struggling mentally but he hasn't touched spice. He's expressed that he wants it really bad, but he has not acted on his craving for it. Just now, he told me that he's been feeling like his adrenylin is pumping like crazy, and he's just been mentally struggling, feeling like the Incredible Hulk, feeling like he wants to just be destructive. He said he keeps having bad thoughts but won't say what they are. He doesn't want to 'speak the thoughts into action' so to speak. He's fighting so hard. When he feels aggressive, he gets away from me and the kids, away from everyone. I told him to go for a walk, to just walk around the block, don't stop anywhere or go anywhere around anyone. Just go for a walk. He's been trying to keep both his mind and his body busy to help him, and he's being so strong. I'm being supportive, trying not to get frustrated with the distance between us emotionally. I understand that right now it's important for me to give him the space he needs. He says I need to not touch him or be close to him because he's feeling aggressive right now because of the DT, and I'm listening. I keep the distance because I know that it will keep us safe. He has purposefully avoided being around the kids, specifically holding the baby, until he has gotten through this, for the safety of the kids. I understand the risk, and we're taking the precautions. For the first time in a loooong time, he's being fully aware and verbal about his feelings through this, so we're on the same page, so we don't put our family in a position in which the kids (or myself) are in any danger. Thank you for your concern and your advice. I love him, and beneath the issues we've had with the spice and the infidelity, we have a trust between us. Now that he's aware of the aggression he's feeling, and communicating about it, it's a lot better. I'm not justifying the abuse he subjected me to by saying the following, only admitting that I played a part: I was wrong to approach Fred like I did when he was high. I disregarded the possability that he would snap. Doesn't make his actions right, but I realize now that I should respond differently. We're both learning how to get through this together. I'm proud of him. It's only been four days, and he has a long road ahead of him. I understand that it takes a long time to recover- not just for him, but for our whole family- but we are off to a great start.
I understand that this is only the withdrawal stage, and there's really no telling how long it will last.
He acknowledged that he hurt me because he was high and in an aggressive mindset, but he also acknowledged (as did I) that it is not an excuse. I know that 'I'm sorry' means 'I won't do it again' and the words are only as good as the actions behind them. He's off to a great start.

gfofaddict

I don't have any friends or family that can be trusted. He's doing really well. Today seemed to be a little easier for him to get through. The kids and I really aren't in any danger now. I promise. He's not getting violent. When ever he gets frustrated or worked up at all, he goes for a walk around the block. Before he smoked spice, he was NEVER violent. He always handled his emotions in a calm and rational manner. When he started smoking the spice, it was like the stuff brought out animal instincts in him or something. But I assure you, we're not in any danger. If it would provide peace of mind, I'd get on here every day with an update.

lightseeker

I am concerned as well....for you and your kids. I realize that you feel very safe and that things are all good now. Please do not be lulled into a false sense of security. Your BF is dealing with some trecherous stuff. The man he used to be no longer exists in the same way - his exposure to all of the drugs (particularly spice) have changed his brain and the way that he responds.

I'm glad that he steps "outside" when he is frustrated and getting angry. But what is YOUR plan? Counting on someone to stay in control when they are triggered is like asking a rattlesnake not to bite when it's being stepped on.... It's imperative that you know what you are going to do, where you are going to go and you have to be able to do it at a moment's notice. Things happen faster than you can believe and if'/when they do you'll hopefully still be alive and have the chance to respond and leave.

hilldog812

As a recovering spicer myself I just wanted to say thanks to everyone.on this page. I've been crying as I read it. But especially I wanted to thank "gfofa". Having been in a similar.position to "Fred" I can tell you he would not.even try to quit if not for your support. And it will get easier... many naysayers to that but its true. The physical dts lasted me about two weeks, the psycological craving is worse and thing like the"phantom smell" might never go away. I know people who still get that at a year clean. Its an uphill struggle, and he will be alone in his head with most of it but at least love is a strong motivator, mine was fear and I still struggle with that. One thing that has helped me immensely with the psychological stress has been researching what little is actually known about spice, its side effects and the possibility of physical harm. Coincidentally it was that search that brought to SR. My prayers are with you and you're family.

gfofaddict

Fred gave up on quitting smoking spice after only five days, and even during those five days he admitted to smoking two or three times. He says he won't quit unless I can find him another outlet for his depression.
About a week ago, he threw me across the room onto the floor, smacking me into the crib on my way through the air. He pinned me down on the concrete floor, smacked my head on the floor, held me down by my wrists and made me hit myself in the face with my own hand. Both my knees were badly bruised from hitting the floor, and one of them was swollen for several days. I had large bruises on my arms, too. My finger was dislocated as well. I had bruising on my neck, too, but it wasn't visible. He smashed my guitar on the floor just inches from my face. He stood over me yelling for me to look at him. When I couldn't move, he stood over me with a screwdriver to his wrist, threatening that if I didn't look at him, he would bathe me in his blood. He said the most horrible things. He said he would beat me until I couldn't be recognized. That he would cut my face off. That he would put something in my food so I couldn't pass a drug test and get the kids taken from me. He said he'd kill me if I tried to leave. He broke my phone. Again. It's fixed now but it doesn't work very well.
I just want this nightmare to end.
He won't stop smoking spice, but he feels bad about what he did to me. Actions speak louder than words. Since it happened, I have been distant from him, but he keeps wanting to just pick up and move on like it never happened. I love him, but I'm afraid of him. I keep a bag packed for me and the kids, and I've called the shelters. There is room for us, but they told me it has to be an emergency situation. I don't want to leave and have to start over for the ninth time in my adult life. I just want this nightmare to end.
I understand what it's like for Fred to go through this. I've gone through it before. But unlike him, I actually WANTED to stop the drugs, and I did. I didn't give in just because I was depressed. I've been diagnosed with major depression and PTSD. I didn't let that excuse me from getting drugs out of my life. I just want this nightmare to end. If I thought my own blood would make this hell end for all of us, I'd drain every drop I have.

crazybabie

Do yourself and kids a huge favor get away from him abuse gets worse my mom ended up shooting her abuser and she spent prison time for it even though he beat her for 5 years including the night she shot him.

Your kids are NOT safe I know you do not wanna hear that but you can't hide from reality and protect them at the same time.

Which is worse both kids living without their father in their home or both kids living a life like this?

Your job as a mother is to put the kids first please find a back up plan.

Did you call the police on him? If no why not? What are you getting from this relationship?

Edited to add: I am now as concerned as the others about your kids.

crazybabie

He says he won't quit unless I can find him another outlet for his depression.

That is his job not yours don't do for him what he can do for his self your not his mother.

LoveMeNow

Please promise to get outside help. You and your kids need it!! Starting over may seem hard and overwhelming but nothing is worse then being beaten.....for you and your kids!!

The cycle of abuse will continue. It is escalating!! Please don't blame the drugs for his abuse. It's only excusing the inexcusable.

If you stay and I pray that you don't, please promise yourself next time (there will be a next time) you will call 911 and have him arrested and then seek help from a domestic violence program. They will help you with housing, a job, daycare and sometimes a car.

Also, please call a Woman's Center for information, Florida has many.

I don't want to make you feel worse then you do, but think of your kids. They are forever changed. How much depends on your next decision. Please do the right thing for you and THEM!! Be their mother!!

MiSoberbio

I read this thread and it makes me question why I am doing so. Is it negative fascination? My little inner bell is going off, telling me that following this train wreck in slow-mo is not good for my recovery....

This is insanity, pure and simple. I feel for the original poster because I see some of my denial and self-destructive attitudes in her, but, in my case, I have no children. She, however, has two, and they are being abused horrifically.

I know that the original poster is suffering. I know that she came here looking for support. But if I personally knew where she lived, I would call the appropriate government agency in order that her children be removed from her care.

It's one thing for us as adults to suffer the effects of our personal demons (because "Fred" is NOT the cause of her suffering, although he should jailed), but it's a wholly different thing to feed ABSOLUTELY INNOCENT CHILDREN psychological poison (and quite possibly in the near future – horrifically – the same physical violence that is being subjected upon her) that will haunt them, twist them, and cause them untold suffering for the rest of their lives. The original poster is unfit to care for them – her addiction has surely already harmed them, and there's the potential for much greater harm.

This is a train wreck and there's nothing I can do. I choose to focus on my recovery, although I certainly WILL pray for everyone involved in this catastrophe.

May God protect those children.

dollydo

"This is a train wreck and there's nothing I can do. I choose to focus on my recovery, although I certainly WILL pray for everyone involved in this catastrophe."

Me too, and, I agree the children should be removed from the home.

Ann

If your house was on fire, you would grab your children and run to a safe place.

Dear girl, your house IS on fire, with abuse that may end up killing you AND your children.

There are women's shelters that can help you, call today and put some safe space between him and you. Your life and the lives of your children may depend on it. You don't have to stay in harm's way to watch whether he quits or not. He may not, he may kill you all as he said he would.

Please leave today, or if you refuse to leave then please get your children to a safe place...before he kills them.

Faithlove

This is an emergency! Go to the shelter with your kids! Surely the shelter did not rejected you because his assault happened about a week ago? Please PM me if they did.

1-800-799-SAFE

I am very concerned for you and your children. If I could come and pick you and the kids up, I would. Please help yourself and those children. I know you love him but you need to love your kids more. They don't deserve to see their mom get the hell beat out of her.

Yes, he's sorry. But it's a cycle. Soon the tension will start again until he finally explodes on you. The beatings will get worse and the time between beatings will shorten.

What do you mean you're not that kind of girl (to call the police)?

Be that kind of girl! That kind of girl is BRAVE!

LoveMeNow

Your post haunted me all night. My heart breaks for your children. They are the ones that have no voice and no choice. NO ONE should live in this violent, sick environment. Find your inner strength and save them and yourself. At the very least, give your kids a chance, love them enough to allow them to go somewhere safe and sane.

You came here seeking advice. Take it!!!

Reread the advice that was originally posted, all of this was predicted!