lightseeker

Vale,

now that is about the best analogy that I've read in the 7 + years that I have been on this site!!!!!!

oooopps

because he is not normal, not kind, not healthy. Can i congratulate you on getting away? Congratulations! You will breathe a sigh of relief after you heal from your pain, and you will heal. This is coming from a person that was once in a similar situation as you. Rest and Regroup. This may be the best closure you could ask for. Now keep moving forward and eventually spread your wings and fly ~

rsk

I TAKE EVERYTHING THAT IS SAID SERIOUSLY, EVERYONE HERE IS BRILLIANT.

I just want the congratulations to stop (people think that WE got engaged) I can't even begin to describe what this feels like to say no...wrong person. I don't blame them. I kept my breakup private on my end and he never even had a transition from me to her so it is beyond comprahendable for many... everyone just thought that the day had finally come for us...like he told everyone it would. It just keeps opening the wounds...

I will pray for myself and those that have been affected by addicts.
I honestly am not capable of praying for those two yet.
I will not allow this to destroy me forever.

oooopps

That's a hard position to be in when people are congratulating you not knowing the situation. Maybe you can start viewing and accepting the congratulations as in you didnt get on that "plane" that Vale was referring to. Congrats because you can still live and live beautifully and this is not possible with an addict in your life. Thank youf lucky star that you can get away. Many women dont have the strength to get away on their own and when the addict leaves and finds another victim it's really a huge blessing in disguise despite the heartbreak along the process.

FindingErica

That may be exactly the reason he is suddenly consenting to an engagement. He's probably thinking that will show you. Be glad you are not legally tied to him through marriage. Expensive and exhausting to get divorced. I know what it is like to hold up my head when everyone is wondering what the heck is going on. We sold our home, all our "friends" on the street knew we were moving out of state. Then of course AH never came back for the move, and I did a local move. I still see some of these people at kid events or a store. Its humiliating to be in a position for people to speculate on your private life. Humiliating but not life threatening. Tell them the truth, it is cathartic. That is what I started doing, i decided that if I hid his drug problem then it became my problem, that shame wasnt part of the deal, as I didnt cause it and have no control over it. I regained some friends, lost some friends, found new friends and lots of support. Life was there for the living all along, God was there waiting with open arms, I just needed to get off my pity and shame couch.

This isnt the end of you, it is the beginning, there is a world out there full of 6 billion souls, there has to be a better adventure waiting then slopping around in the muck of an addicts life. Find your feet beneath you, the ground is solid, feel the strength in your knees, straighten your spine, throw back your shoulders and lift your chin. You took out the trash and some foolish soul picked it up off your curb. Pity that!

You are not destroyed even now, you just dont fully see it yet.

Emotional? Yes
Destroyed?... NO!

EJG123

Be thankful that eventually the congratulations will stop. You will move on and likely marry someone else and your addict EXBF will be old news. In my case, the awkward moments will likely go on forever because my D is an addict and people just tend to ask about your kids.

rsk

I am getting better with time. I am not sitting back and crying. Now that everything is out in the open, the questions are constantly coming and I am trying to answer them with some grace and acceptance. The sad part for him is that his family is furious to his actions,the monster of a girl he is with, and the disrespect for me. The only way that helps me is to be able to see that you know what I am not crazy, this is CRAZY! I am not being oversensitive, I am only human.

I am deathly scared of addicts now, I see how much pain they can bring to everyone.

LoveMeNow

What would make me mad is......

If he sought recovery and maintained it with everything he had for a long period of time.
Then won the lottery of over $50 million dollars.
Was traveling around the world without a care in the world besides his sobriety,
I might be upset.

But this is not the case. He is getting high with a stripper girlfriend, maybe getting an std and/or hep C. They can lie, cheat, steal and manipulate each other now.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are now free to live a life without addiction and the insanity of it all. Sounds like you are the true winner.

rsk

LoveMeNot,

You are right and the spread of diseases is occurring all the time and it is so sad. I had an epiphany as I stared into the sky...

I NEVER CAUSED HIM TO BECOME AN ADDICT!!!
I CAN NOT CONTROL A STRANGER!!
I CAN NOT CURE IT AND BRING THOSE TO LIGHT WHO DO NOT WANT TO BE IN IT.

I will continue to keep walking,walking away from the horror. I also come to terms that this is what had happened because I did not leave sooner. I thought that he was "special",morally intune, and genuinely loving me all these years.
Nope, HE IS AN ADDICT THAT DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN A STRONG RECOVERY.HIS WORLD WILL NO LONGER BRING DARKNESS UPON MINE!
THIS ONCE BEAUTIFUL MAN NO LONGER WILL BE GIVEN CONTROL OVER ME.

Vale

Wanna know the secret of life?

Never lower your eyes,to anyone,
for any reason......ever.
It seems pretty obvious (to all
of us) that you,(like many of us)
have discovered that tuition in the
school of life can be expensive.
But knowing that you have held
your ground,your integrity secure,
your eyes unlowered----THAT is
priceless!
Hurt fades.Lowering our eyes
and deciding to settle----is what haunts
us all our mortal lives.
You should be feeling really good
about yourself tonight!

rsk

Thank you so much, everyone! All of the advice is priceless.

This is funny and kind of embarrassing but I run to the forum site every time I start to get emotional, regardless of where I am at (work,school,grocery store,in line at Burger King...) I re-read all of the advice and I feel like they are all helping hands pulling me back to a good place.

I have been meeting with my friends,reading my books, talking, and to the best of my ability letting go...little by little. It kind of feels like a pound a day off my heart.

As the anger becomes manageable, I always come back to the same thing.

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE MY EXABF. I AM NOT ASHAMED TO SAY IT. I JUST NOW KNOW THAT HE IS GONE.

I do wish for him to be happy one day. I now can see that I will heal and move on and in a perfect world, I wish he would heal too. I have nothing to do with his healing process but I would rather see him find sobriety, get married to a woman with a beautiful soul, and finally love himself -than for him suffer forever.
Deep down I will always love the person that I once knew.

Vale

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I will care about and pray for the lost soul I
crossed paths with-----always.

Nothing about crossing paths with this evil called
addiction requires us to become jaded or hurtful
or hateful----I kind of think addiction wins if that
is the case!

And yeah, those baby turtles keep getting
born.....they keep hauling ass for the waters edge----
and yes, alot of them end the race in a seagulls belly.

Why don't they just give up? Because life is worth the
fight......

(even a stupid dumba** little baby turtle
knows that!)

Supersarah

So true, this is what i keep telling myself too

This isnt the end of you, it is the beginning, there is a world out there full of 6 billion souls, there has to be a better adventure waiting then slopping around in the muck of an addicts life. Find your feet beneath you, the ground is solid, feel the strength in your knees, straighten your spine, throw back your shoulders and lift your chin. You took out the trash and some foolish soul picked it up off your curb. Pity that!

rsk

SuperSarah,

Hi! I, too keep telling myself that there are over 6 BILLION people in this world. I do not want to live in such darkness. I just have to have patience to allow myself to grow,learn,and love myself again...and then maybe, just maybe one day I will meet a man that reinforces the tales of that "beautiful" life that I can't wait to have.

outtolunch

I have never been romantically involved with an addict. And yet, back when, found myself in a position of being heart-broken because someone I loved went off and quickly married someone else. I was emotionally devastated at the time.

With time and distance, I eventually realized that I loved my own hopeful fantasy of this guy as opposed to the guy. That hopeful fantasy blinded me to reality. That was my own role in all that happened.

Vale

rsk,
Slight correction.I think we clocked out at 7 billion a short while
back (I saw a news blurb).
So now you have an EXTRA billion to choose from! So time to
get moving,girl!

......and stay away from the bargain rack (craigslist)!

rsk

lol Vale,
Thank you!