What are you getting out of it?
 

Just last night, a recovery addict wanted to stay at my home for a couple of weeks until she found a new apartment. I said NO, with only a little guilt which is progress for me.

In the past, I would never have been able to say no! I am not sure I would have wanted to. I would have believed I was being compassionate, kind and treating others as I would want to be treated if I was homeless.

Now, is the hard part! If I really look closely at my past behavior, there is far more to it. I would have said yes because I was "getting something out of it" without even realizing it. I think it would have given me a sense of self worth to help out a "damsel in distress," or maybe as a distraction from me or filling the need to be needed.

I would have believed my act of letting her stay here was soley an unselfish act. But I can see the truth now, I was getting something out of it.

In hindsight, I think I used to a rush or even a "high" to rescue or try and fix others. yikes!!

Please share any examples you can think of!!

I don’t need to be needed anymore. But I do remember those days. And yes the things we allow to be distraction so we don’t have to look at ourselves. I really was so good at blaming and focusing on how sick he was, like I was healthy in any way.

Now I do what I wish to, I can say no without hesitation or any feeling of guilt, and I can say yes knowing it isn’t for any selfish reason or that I might get something out it. I have been lucky I found a way to keep balance and to not lose my compassion and passion in the mix. I think this is the key finding a balance within. Also trusting ourselves and being open/willing to learning, no matter the source, even from the addicts in our lives.

Today what I get out of all the hard work is more chances….such endless possibilities.

I was reading about that subject today in Codependent No More. She was talking about not feeling loveable, so we settle for being needed. She also said that we look for somebody who seems strong and able to be strong for us. We look too other people to provide good feelings for ourselves. I have a hard time saying, "No." Usually, it means I agree to do more than I can handle. Or, I agree to help somebody, when they could do it themselves. I feel good to help them, and then resentful because they used me.

Did you see The Language of Letting Go for 10/10? It is right on target. It's called Payoffs of Destructive Relationships.

If this is a dumb question, please overlook it, but where can I find The Language of Letting Go? Is it posted here? Thank you!!

Wow! I do read that every day but hadn't yet. God is good all the time!

So when my husband said that (from the other thread) -at the same time, I was learning about codependency and selfishness from my Untangled Relationships (coda) class and workbook and it wasn't really clicking! I was struggling to find my "payoffs" and I was discussing this with a friend and him. During our argument, after he said that - the light bulb came one. I understood it!!

Of course, I want my husband to be clean for the obvious reasons but I had selfish motives in that as well. I feared change, I feared starting over, I feared not having his salary as a means to live. I still had that "he needs to be clean for me to be happy" thinking. (not to imply that I would stay with him if we wasn't working his recovery) I hope I am explaining myself better this time. lol

It is on SR but I use this link!

Thought for the Day -- Hazelden

Wednesday, October 10, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Payoffs from Destructive Relationships

Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.

The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.

Maybe the relationships feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.

Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.

"My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."

Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.

We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.

Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.

Thanks, LMN I needed this today.

Your welcome Crazybabie - I miss your posts. :(

Hope all is well with you!! xox

I am not there yet but I can see the light. It's far away but in my view now!

Good for you, LMN. You are not running a half-way house.