johnnamjh

Our A was kicked out of rehab about a week and a half ago for buying extra suboxone. While in rehab, they gave him the suboxone and valium. He is also on Lexapro. I am trying very hard to limit my involvement. Do you all feel that any suggestions are just more codependence? I will be driving him to his counseling appt on Thurs and I so want to suggest he see an MD so that his meds can be monitored. Is just suggesting this wrong? I know there are no right or wrong answers, but I struggle with thinking that one suggestion and then dropping it if he doesn't respond is not that bad. I guess part of me feels like I really do want to know I did everything on my end to make it possible for him to choose health. Thanks.

dollydo

I thought that you were going to back out of this situation. Isn't this your daughters BF, why is he your A? Doesn't he have his own family? When did he become your responsibility?

I am obviously confused.

johnnamjh

I have basically been his parent for the last seven months. He lived here. I set the requirements for him and I offered him the chance to go to rehab, which didn't go well obviously. I know, I know I should back off but no, there is really no other parental figure other than one person providing lodging.

I haven't said anything and I probably won't. I know I need to let it go but it's just hard.

dollydo

Your daughter is learning from you, she sees your enabling behavior, although for now it works in her behalf, later, it will not.

I watched my mother enable her drunkin abusive men, she is very codependent...and, she is also an alcoholic, been drinking for over 65 years. My behavior towards her and others
was a mirror image of hers, I turned out to be a very codependent enabler, I had to save
the world, it was my destiny,my job.

How did that work out for me? Not so good, I saved no one and lost myself in the process.

Today,after alot of work on my part I am better, meetings helped me,reading Codependent No More helped me and this board was a life saver, I am better, am I cured? Nope, but I am 100% better and I will continue to work on me...forever.

Please continue to work on you, keep questioning your thought processes, keep posting, it will help, not only for you, but your entire family.

We are all here for the same reason, we are all rowing in the same direction...together as one.

Schab33

You sound like a very compassionate woman ...but I have to say this boy isn't good for you or your daughter I realize you don't want to turn your back on him but maybe you should try to back off and try to step back for a moment .... it is very easy to get caught up in the chaos of an addict but you need to remember it isn't your chaos ...remember to take care of yourself...

johnnamjh

Thanks for all of the advice. This morning I awoke to find that he had stolen a check from our home during one of his recent visits and used it to steal a significant sum of money from us. We are not able to help him and my daughter now realizes that she also cannot help him. We are grieving but our path is clear. We will work on ourselves and try to move forward. He is a good kid, funny and sweet, but also very very sick right now. Thanks again for the support.

dollydo

I hope that you will call the police and press charges against him. If you do not,that is enabling, unless he faces the consequences of his actions he will continue his illegal activities and more people will become his victim.

johnnamjh

We are already in the process of doing that.

dollydo

That's good.

hope213

it is really hard to do the things we need to do for US to get beter. you & your daughter are in my prayers. remember they have to hit their bottom for them to get better.

johnnamjh

Just FYI, he was arrested on Saturday and is in jail with a very high bond (for two Class C felonies) that no one will pay for him. I don't know if he's realized that he is truly going to have to stay there. At first he truly seemed to think that one, someone would pay the bond and two, that he would then make payments to them (truly delusional has no job or money). We are broken hearted but we know we had no choice.

I have wondered why he came into our lives (he is my daughter's bf - or was) and we took him in as part of our family for seven months. I guess now I have to believe it was because in the end, we would be the ones that would make him finally face the consequences of his actions/addiction. This seems so bad, but I have to believe that this may actually save him. I know it's on him to make the choice to turn around or not so please don't lecture me about that. We are working on our own healing but we will always have hope that he can do this when he's ready.

Thanks for the support. I am glad I found this forum when I did so I could see that his behavior was absolutely typical and see what we had to do.