New Here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Ontario
Posts: 14
New Here
Hello everyone. I am pretty new here. Just wanted to share something about my alcoholic son. I was the classic enabler. For years I tried to control and fix him. Nothing worked and he lost everything. I finally felt a sense of success when he committed to long term treatment. 5 1/2 months he stayed and worked the program... I went to pick up my newly sober 28 year old son 2 months ago.... brought him home... less than 24 hours he was drunk and is still drinking. I have made him leave my home and though I have that terrible fear, I am done. He has begged to come back.. Made promises.. I get it now. Nothing and I mean nothing.. no amount of love or sacrifice will make him stop. I do go to al anon and it has helped me, but these past years have amost broken me. Thanks for listening.
Jen
Jen
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Jen)) - Welcome to SR! Sorry your son isn't done yet, but sounds like you are taking care of YOU and that is awesome. I hope you read around here - there are a lot of people going through similar situations, and I know for me, it helped feeling not so alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Not John
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wentzvile
Posts: 21
Welcome from another newbie. It sounds like you did what you had to do but I know it doesn't make it easy. Glad you are here. I can say that even though I just found this forum over the weekend, it has already helped a lot.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
How incredibly hard it must be for you. You have my total respect!! I am dealing with a RABF and I have a hard enough time detaching from him, let alone my own child. For what it is worth,I think you are awesome. I am finally starting to learn you are doing the right thing, but it must be breaking your heart. Stay strong and I wish I had your resolve, even a little bit. Take care.
To answer your last question. I picked my boyfriend up from detox. It was only after about 5 days. He asked me to stop so he could buy beer. He is in a sober house now, but basically a dry drunk and I am 99 percent confident he will drink the second he gets out.
To answer your last question. I picked my boyfriend up from detox. It was only after about 5 days. He asked me to stop so he could buy beer. He is in a sober house now, but basically a dry drunk and I am 99 percent confident he will drink the second he gets out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I don't think it is unusual for a recovering A to relapse, even when they want to be clean and sober. They have to have a firm recovery program in place and if not then they are in a very precarious place. My son relapsed a couple times after rehab. When he moved out (from what I know anyway) he seemed to be motivated to do better. While he was home he reverted back to an immature stage of his life. It is so hard for a parent to stand firm where his/her child is concerned. Maybe your son will start to make better choices now he's not living at home.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Has anyone else known someone who was in rehab that long, completed the program then went to the liquor store? I am in such disbelief he would do it that quickly?
You'll find lots of support here as you continue on your journey. And hopefully, your son gets sick and tired of being sick and tired soon, and you remain committed to not enabling his addiction.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
My son relapsed while living IN an extended care program...he started with things that wouldn't show on a drug test, and moved on to beating the drug tests. He'd been clean about 5 1/2 months in rehab and extended care when he picked up...used for 6 months while in extended care, and then a month on his own.
He's now a little over 4 months clean. He lives on his own, goes to a psychiatrist for Vivitrol shots, attends AA meetings, and is working the steps with a sponsor. There are definitely still signs of the self-centered addict brain at work from time to time....but he is practicing rigorous honesty, meeting commitments in school, and living on a budget and saving money. Time will tell what happens.
He moved in with two recovering As he was in the extended care program with. One had 13 months clean and starting drinking and smoking week about 3 weeks after leaving the program. My son and his other roommate told him to straighten up or move out. He choose to move out, and has been couch surfing for the past 3 months - still using.
The second roommate had 18 months clean and picked up drinking again the Friday before Labor Day. He's still drinking. My son told him he needed to move out last night.
So-- 3 recovering alcoholic addicts. All 3 relapsed. It's not uncommon.
He's now a little over 4 months clean. He lives on his own, goes to a psychiatrist for Vivitrol shots, attends AA meetings, and is working the steps with a sponsor. There are definitely still signs of the self-centered addict brain at work from time to time....but he is practicing rigorous honesty, meeting commitments in school, and living on a budget and saving money. Time will tell what happens.
He moved in with two recovering As he was in the extended care program with. One had 13 months clean and starting drinking and smoking week about 3 weeks after leaving the program. My son and his other roommate told him to straighten up or move out. He choose to move out, and has been couch surfing for the past 3 months - still using.
The second roommate had 18 months clean and picked up drinking again the Friday before Labor Day. He's still drinking. My son told him he needed to move out last night.
So-- 3 recovering alcoholic addicts. All 3 relapsed. It's not uncommon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Ontario
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Hodpapa 
From one loving mom to another......I sure do know how you feel. When I was done enabling, I drove my thirty something son to the Rescue Mission, told him I loved him and closed the door. Through the help of my Alanon family, I'm still sane and work very hard at being happy. My son is still using, but has complicated the situation by marrying and having a child. Be prepared for his anger. He knows he cannot manipulate you any longer. You are disrupting his ability to use with ease. I do know the FEAR you speak of. Will he lose his job, will he lose his family and, the worst fear...will he lose his life. You can only take care of yourself and your business. You cannot take care of him and his business. Relax, breathe and give him up to your Higher Power. Hard, so hard. But, you will survive and come closer to a peace. I pray each day for all those mothers who love their sons and must witness this awful disease.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
MandyJ, my heart is with you. I have a 27 yo AS, and I understand the feeling of having two sons in one body. His addiction has broken me, but over the past few years, I have put myself together with lots of HARD work on MY part.
Realizing I can't save him has been the defining moment of my life. Through my suffering, I somehow have found a peace and strength within myself.
We can love. We can feel compassion. We just can't put them back together again.
I remember the little boy my son was, and I know that soul is buried inside him. Someday that soul may break free from addiction. But in the meanwhile, I have released him to a higher power.
My prayers are with you in your anguish and pain.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Realizing I can't save him has been the defining moment of my life. Through my suffering, I somehow have found a peace and strength within myself.
We can love. We can feel compassion. We just can't put them back together again.
I remember the little boy my son was, and I know that soul is buried inside him. Someday that soul may break free from addiction. But in the meanwhile, I have released him to a higher power.
My prayers are with you in your anguish and pain.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"Has anyone else known someone who was in rehab that long, completed the program then went to the liquor store? I am in such disbelief he would do it that quickly? "
Yeah, my ex.
I feel your pain, I am so sorry, however, know that you are doing the right thing.
Yeah, my ex.
I feel your pain, I am so sorry, however, know that you are doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
MandyJ,
Welcome to SR! I'm so glad you found this site and have posted.
What you said "my loving sensitive boy who has been the light of my life" is exactly how I felt about my 32 yr. old son. I loved him more than I loved myself.
I lost 2 cars to my enabling my son, I gave him over $100,000 from the sale of my home, I had to file bankruptcy because of enabling my son, at one time I had 5 pay day loans open because of my enabling my son, I tried everything to help him, to fix him, I tried to love him by giving him everything I had. I was so sick, I was so addicted to him. I had to let go or I was going to be destroyed.
My son eventually got clean on his own, by himself, not because of anything I said or did, or didn't do. He is approx. 3 yrs. sober, but no further ahead with his life.
I'm better, I know my HP loves me and I know my son's HP loves him. I know my HP has a plan for MY life and I have to show up for MY life each day and take care of myself. I know that no matter what happens to my son, my daughter, my aging mom, or any of my other family or friends, I have shown my love for them in healthy ways to the best of my ability and I will not feel any guilt if something should happen to them. AlAnon, NarAnon, this forum and reading about codependency and addiction has gotten me where I am today and will continue to carry me forward.
Get a copy of the NarAnon Experience, Strength and Hope book. When I first got mine (a woman I didn't even know, from NarAnon, bought me a copy when I was stretched financially) every daily reading hit home.
Good Luck and keep posting.
Welcome to SR! I'm so glad you found this site and have posted.
What you said "my loving sensitive boy who has been the light of my life" is exactly how I felt about my 32 yr. old son. I loved him more than I loved myself.
I lost 2 cars to my enabling my son, I gave him over $100,000 from the sale of my home, I had to file bankruptcy because of enabling my son, at one time I had 5 pay day loans open because of my enabling my son, I tried everything to help him, to fix him, I tried to love him by giving him everything I had. I was so sick, I was so addicted to him. I had to let go or I was going to be destroyed.
My son eventually got clean on his own, by himself, not because of anything I said or did, or didn't do. He is approx. 3 yrs. sober, but no further ahead with his life.
I'm better, I know my HP loves me and I know my son's HP loves him. I know my HP has a plan for MY life and I have to show up for MY life each day and take care of myself. I know that no matter what happens to my son, my daughter, my aging mom, or any of my other family or friends, I have shown my love for them in healthy ways to the best of my ability and I will not feel any guilt if something should happen to them. AlAnon, NarAnon, this forum and reading about codependency and addiction has gotten me where I am today and will continue to carry me forward.
Get a copy of the NarAnon Experience, Strength and Hope book. When I first got mine (a woman I didn't even know, from NarAnon, bought me a copy when I was stretched financially) every daily reading hit home.
Good Luck and keep posting.
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