suicide threats
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
suicide threats
My ex who was supposedly planning to detox from heroin this coming week is saying his health is so poor (severe emphysema) that he sees no point getting clean.
He told me he would change his will in the beginning of the week (I imagine that means cutting me and our daughter off) and then commit suicide.
I am so stressed out about this.
Here I am 24 hours a day with our daughter, what can I do?
Should I do anything?
Should I call 911? (but then he's likely to get arrested with a lot of dope!)
Or should I just see it as a way to control me/a way to make excuses and try to ignore it?
We were supposed to go visit with him today but DD didn't want to go so we didn't. Not that she usually decides of our activities (she's 2!) but she is aware that something is wrong with her dad and I thought it was fair to listen to her. Of course he was pissed off.
I have no idea if he means it about committing suicide... but what if he does?
He told me he would change his will in the beginning of the week (I imagine that means cutting me and our daughter off) and then commit suicide.
I am so stressed out about this.
Here I am 24 hours a day with our daughter, what can I do?
Should I do anything?
Should I call 911? (but then he's likely to get arrested with a lot of dope!)
Or should I just see it as a way to control me/a way to make excuses and try to ignore it?
We were supposed to go visit with him today but DD didn't want to go so we didn't. Not that she usually decides of our activities (she's 2!) but she is aware that something is wrong with her dad and I thought it was fair to listen to her. Of course he was pissed off.
I have no idea if he means it about committing suicide... but what if he does?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree, if someone told me that they were going to commit suicide, I would call 911 and let them check it out. If it was only a manipulative ploy, they won't try it again and draw all the fuss, it it was a genuine threat, you've done what you can.
I'm sorry you are going through all this.
Hugs
I'm sorry you are going through all this.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
No one knows the answer to your question. I will share my experience though.
My XAH and my AS threatened suicide so many times I can't even begin to tell you. I stayed in a relationship with my XAH for five years because he told me if I left him, he would kill himself. Eventually I left him. That was 30 years ago and he's still alive.
My AS (as an addicted adult) has also made those threats regularly. When I knew where he was, I called 911 for them to check on him. He made the threats hundreds of times......and I reacted with fear and anguish each time. My reaction was quite predictable. Eventually I began to see it for what it was. A way for him to express his own deep misery and a way for him to control my emotional state in hopes that I would be as miserable as he was feeling. It worked for a very long time. I did feel as miserable as he did. My anguish was very deep.
A few years ago I made a conscious decision not to live a life of fear anymore. Not just as it relates to my beautiful son but in all aspects of my life. I adapted the attitude of "if I pray, why worry and if I worry, why pray."
My son has threatened suicide since that time and I told him gently and as kindly as I could "I love you. I am so sorry that you feel such anguish that you feel that dying is your only option. But I can no longer be afraid of your death. Please know that you are loved."
He threatened it again a few months ago and this time I said "I'm sorry that tactic no longer works with me." He said "it's not a tactic". And I replied (again very calmly and as kindly as I could). "Yes it is.....when you've said it to me as many times as you have....it becomes a tactic. I love you." He didn't reply and he hasn't threatened it since that time. (He is still alive).
Suicide is a terrible thing. It is the result of someone whose pain and anguish is so engulfing that they can think of no other option. It is a last resort. But there are those who know that the threat of it can cause a similar torment in those who love them. I can no more control another persons decision regarding suicide than I can control their use of drugs. I would be no more responsible for their suicide than I am of their drug addiction.
I choose to let go and let God. And I know that God still loves me.
gentle hugs
ke
My XAH and my AS threatened suicide so many times I can't even begin to tell you. I stayed in a relationship with my XAH for five years because he told me if I left him, he would kill himself. Eventually I left him. That was 30 years ago and he's still alive.
My AS (as an addicted adult) has also made those threats regularly. When I knew where he was, I called 911 for them to check on him. He made the threats hundreds of times......and I reacted with fear and anguish each time. My reaction was quite predictable. Eventually I began to see it for what it was. A way for him to express his own deep misery and a way for him to control my emotional state in hopes that I would be as miserable as he was feeling. It worked for a very long time. I did feel as miserable as he did. My anguish was very deep.
A few years ago I made a conscious decision not to live a life of fear anymore. Not just as it relates to my beautiful son but in all aspects of my life. I adapted the attitude of "if I pray, why worry and if I worry, why pray."
My son has threatened suicide since that time and I told him gently and as kindly as I could "I love you. I am so sorry that you feel such anguish that you feel that dying is your only option. But I can no longer be afraid of your death. Please know that you are loved."
He threatened it again a few months ago and this time I said "I'm sorry that tactic no longer works with me." He said "it's not a tactic". And I replied (again very calmly and as kindly as I could). "Yes it is.....when you've said it to me as many times as you have....it becomes a tactic. I love you." He didn't reply and he hasn't threatened it since that time. (He is still alive).
Suicide is a terrible thing. It is the result of someone whose pain and anguish is so engulfing that they can think of no other option. It is a last resort. But there are those who know that the threat of it can cause a similar torment in those who love them. I can no more control another persons decision regarding suicide than I can control their use of drugs. I would be no more responsible for their suicide than I am of their drug addiction.
I choose to let go and let God. And I know that God still loves me.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Call 911. That is what i did when my A sister was calling me with that nonsense. I just happened to know what rat hole she was existing in at the time. So i sent the cops. I think whatever junkies were living there got mad that she attracted the cops and she stopped threeatening me with that. It was an empty threat as 10 years later she is still here and doing worse than ever.
My AH kind of threatened in a round about way, stating he had thought about blowing his brains out when I had taken a two week break from talking to him. He was out of state so thankfully I didnt have to witness this in person. I called his bluff, i said, "well that would turn out really bad for you.". I cant stop anyone from doing anything and I refuse to be emotionally chained to someone's threats. Addicts like to take emotional hostages because they learn real quick how fast people will jump off a sinking ship, so they learn to chain people to the boat so they can take them down with them to the bottom. I would hate to see my AH die, even though we are getting a divorce, but I accept that I can not stop him if he chose to do so. If he ever calls me and threatens, I will call 911, that is why we have health professionals.
Take stock of what life would mean of he died, the emotionality of loss aside, what are the practicals that would be missing. Would you lose finances or your home? You mentioned a will? He can cut his child out of the will but she can still get SS benefits if he passes. My AH's father was an addict who committed suicide, and his mother collected SS for him and his sister after his dad died. She may still have a claim to an inheritance as his biological child.
My AH kind of threatened in a round about way, stating he had thought about blowing his brains out when I had taken a two week break from talking to him. He was out of state so thankfully I didnt have to witness this in person. I called his bluff, i said, "well that would turn out really bad for you.". I cant stop anyone from doing anything and I refuse to be emotionally chained to someone's threats. Addicts like to take emotional hostages because they learn real quick how fast people will jump off a sinking ship, so they learn to chain people to the boat so they can take them down with them to the bottom. I would hate to see my AH die, even though we are getting a divorce, but I accept that I can not stop him if he chose to do so. If he ever calls me and threatens, I will call 911, that is why we have health professionals.
Take stock of what life would mean of he died, the emotionality of loss aside, what are the practicals that would be missing. Would you lose finances or your home? You mentioned a will? He can cut his child out of the will but she can still get SS benefits if he passes. My AH's father was an addict who committed suicide, and his mother collected SS for him and his sister after his dad died. She may still have a claim to an inheritance as his biological child.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
If you think he is serious, I would call 911.
This way you can know that you did all that you could,
it is not your responsibility to keep him alive.
If you think he is just manipulating you,
Which if he is threatening to cut you out of the
will then it sure seems that he is, I would prob.
just go no contact until he is more stable and isn't
threatening his life. When it comes down to it, you are
the one that needs to be comfortable with your decision.
hugs
Maylie
This way you can know that you did all that you could,
it is not your responsibility to keep him alive.
If you think he is just manipulating you,
Which if he is threatening to cut you out of the
will then it sure seems that he is, I would prob.
just go no contact until he is more stable and isn't
threatening his life. When it comes down to it, you are
the one that needs to be comfortable with your decision.
hugs
Maylie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
I would also call 911, if anything to get it documented that he wasn't in his right mind should he decide to go through with changing the will and committing suicide. And if it's just a manipulation, he'll be less likely to try it again in the future if he sees you'll send the police to him.
My sister (heroin addict) attempted suicide only once that I know of. And she didn't tell a soul beforehand what she was planning to do. Luckily a friend of hers found her before she died.
But over the years she has threatened to kill herself dozens of times in very dramatic fashion, and she's still around. For a long time, "I'm going to kill myself" and "I'm pregnant" were her two best tricks to get money from my family.
It's probably a manipulation, but I would call the police.
My sister (heroin addict) attempted suicide only once that I know of. And she didn't tell a soul beforehand what she was planning to do. Luckily a friend of hers found her before she died.
But over the years she has threatened to kill herself dozens of times in very dramatic fashion, and she's still around. For a long time, "I'm going to kill myself" and "I'm pregnant" were her two best tricks to get money from my family.
It's probably a manipulation, but I would call the police.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
If he cut us off and died I would have to sue his estate at least for our daughter.
I might also have to find a job sooner. I feel like being at home with our daughter is the best thing for her right now though when I go through the craziness of his threats it makes me doubt everything.
I might also have to find a job sooner. I feel like being at home with our daughter is the best thing for her right now though when I go through the craziness of his threats it makes me doubt everything.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by February13 
I don't have court ordered child support but he is on the birth certificate and he is wealthy.
And the best thing for your child is not being in a life controlled by the whims of an addict. If that means mom works, then so be it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
Proof of his addiction? Like what?
I often thought of taking pictures of all the flaps of dope in his bathroom.
I am not sure what else ??
I do plan to get a job. It has been my plan since before I left him. I did not expect him to help once we were gone but since he has been helping I might be able to stay home a few more months and I think it's best for our daughter and I. It is temporary. He sometimes threatens to stop helping and I am not worried about it. I told him to go ahead and not help us anymore if that's what he wants to do. I have offered to give him back the credit card I use for groceries. He doesn't like it. I guess he sees it as control?
He screamed "that's it you don't need me??" or something like that.
I often thought of taking pictures of all the flaps of dope in his bathroom.
I am not sure what else ??
I do plan to get a job. It has been my plan since before I left him. I did not expect him to help once we were gone but since he has been helping I might be able to stay home a few more months and I think it's best for our daughter and I. It is temporary. He sometimes threatens to stop helping and I am not worried about it. I told him to go ahead and not help us anymore if that's what he wants to do. I have offered to give him back the credit card I use for groceries. He doesn't like it. I guess he sees it as control?
He screamed "that's it you don't need me??" or something like that.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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Should I call 911? (but then he's likely to get arrested with a lot of dope!)
Suicide threats are often the cruelest form of manipulation. That said, you have to take them seriously. Just don't allow him to hold you hostage. If he threatens suicide, call 911 and be done with it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
My ex threatened suicide if I left. The night I told him I was leaving, he attempted suicide. It's always manipulative but not always an empty threat. I'd advise you to take it seriously and phone the police.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
thanks everybody!
I didn't call 911 because he called back all happy and wanting to get together.
I told him that if he threatens to end his life again I'll call 911.
He seemed very annoyed that I would say that.
I can't believe how hard it is from me to say no to him.
He wanted me to bring our daughter by yesterday, I told him I was too busy.
He wanted me to bring her by today, I told him we had plans.
I told him I'll try to bring her by thursday... I don't want to.
I am seriously thinking about destroying my cell phone (it's very old) and getting a new one with a new number.
I feel insane that it would be the only way to go no contact with him. I don't think I am able to do it any other way.
It'll be at least a couple of days till I get a new phone so we'll see if he threatens to kill himself before then.
I didn't call 911 because he called back all happy and wanting to get together.
I told him that if he threatens to end his life again I'll call 911.
He seemed very annoyed that I would say that.
I can't believe how hard it is from me to say no to him.
He wanted me to bring our daughter by yesterday, I told him I was too busy.
He wanted me to bring her by today, I told him we had plans.
I told him I'll try to bring her by thursday... I don't want to.
I am seriously thinking about destroying my cell phone (it's very old) and getting a new one with a new number.
I feel insane that it would be the only way to go no contact with him. I don't think I am able to do it any other way.
It'll be at least a couple of days till I get a new phone so we'll see if he threatens to kill himself before then.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 94
If he threatens suicide again definitely call 911.
My mom did that to me...called me and threatened suicide...said her dramatic "good bye", etc. hoping it would cause me to come to the motel she was at and give her money.
Instead I called 911....they went to the hotel and she had to deal with the embarrassment, etc. To be honest I was truly hoping the police would find drugs in the room when they arrived but I wasn't that lucky.
My mom did that to me...called me and threatened suicide...said her dramatic "good bye", etc. hoping it would cause me to come to the motel she was at and give her money.
Instead I called 911....they went to the hotel and she had to deal with the embarrassment, etc. To be honest I was truly hoping the police would find drugs in the room when they arrived but I wasn't that lucky.
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