johnnamjh

It's probably a sign of how codependent I am that I am even asking this, but did you tell the addict or other family members that you had realized you were enabling and that you were going to try to stop? I can tell my daughter thinks something is up because I haven't asked about her BF or discussed addiction or treatment today. Should I say anything or just keep working on my own behaviors without comment?

mrsbrownie

if my xabf's mom didnt tell me to stop "helping" him (pay bills, which we his mom and dad had been alternately been doing) i probably would still be doing it...but when i finally realized that my "enabling" is not helping...i did it in a heartbeat (stopped enabling)...i even told xabf, that much that i want to help and he knows that i do, because i would like to see him help himself, he dropped me like a hot potato and moved on to the next "enabler".

his folks and i talked about it and decided to stopped "enabling" altogether...i have no contact with xabf so i really dont know what's going on now...hopefully without us "enabling" he will hit bottom and decide from there if he wants to sober up.

peace to you.

dollydo

If you feel that you need to, then clearly state your bounderies. . Say what you mean and mean what you say. No need to make a big production out of it, just be clear and concise, and, never make a boundry that you know that you will not keep, crying wolf is counter productive.

In the meantime learn all you can about enabling and codependency, cynical one has some great blogs on both topics.

outtolunch

No need to explain yourself. Your actions will demonstrate enablement or not.

LoveMeNow

I didn't say it because I was not 100% positive my actions could always meet my words 100% of the time and I knew that would be worse.

I am learning and in many ways my behavior changed but I still have a lot of work to do. The saying "Progress not perfection" keeps me from beating myself up when I fall short on my recovery!

farfaraway

I don't think saying something about your boundaries to the addict is worth - except maybe a warning such as "If you disrespect me once more I am hanging up the phone".

With people who know "your addict" it might be a good idea to share ways to stop enabling. But don't be surprised if they don't follow your good example. I have a 90 year old great aunt who I have warned a hundred times not to give money to my addict sister! She just can't get her mind around it, my sister could be hungry, cold, etc. I've since dropped the issue with her because it's not worth it to go there.

Bottom line: focus on YOU

PaperDolls

Ditto!

johnnamjh

Thank you. This is really helpful. I have been so bad about drawing any boundaries, that this will be a bumpy ride. It's everything from letting three of my kids let their rooms literally turn into Hoarders style rooms to constantly asking my daughter how her ABF is doing. Today she opted not to go to school because she 'needed to sleep.' She is working later. This is the type of thing I'm struggling with. If she didn't spend most of her time and energy taking care of and worrying about ABF, she would not be too tired to go to school. So at what point do we say we will not continue to help you pay for school until you can show that you are actually going to attend? Sorry, just venting more than anything. So much to figure out.

Impurrfect

I think the only thing I've said is "If I find you laying on the floor again, I will make sure you are breathing and I will leave you there". I have and even my dad (major enabler) started doing the same.

I'm pretty sure my actions have spoken way louder than any words, but I have had to state boundaries a bit more, lately as in "I am not going to continue this conversation as I won't talk to you when you are slurring".

I think it's an individual thing, though. I enabled my niece (not an A) differently, and she was receptive (some times) when I told her I wouldn't do something that she could do herself, she just didn't want to.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

If she doesn't go to classes and does not keep her grades up, I would not continue to waste my money on her education. I am all for education, however, if she is not going to apply herself...what's the point?

Sounds like you've got a whole bunch of fires to put out, enabling is so counterproductive,
I know, I've been there, done that.

Take care of you.

Vale

Being a drama hater.....I didn't say anything.I just stopped,changed my
phone number,and faded to black. Something about drama screams "I am
still engaged in the game,just trying something dramatic to better my
strategic position".

Going black is knocking the chessboard over.

What is the saying? Hate is not the opposite of love----indifference is.
"I hate you" is engaged and playing.

"You don't exist" is something altogether different.It is very hard to do.
I don't think I could have done it without the assistance of the wise souls
of SR (who have BEEN down this path many times).

Once again....I thank them.

outtolunch

Boundaries are set to protect you and minor children. They do not seek to control other people's behaviors.

House rules and the strings of financial aide as it relates to school is a whole other ball of wax. Your house. Your rules. If minors want to live like hoarders and it drives you nuts, set a deadline after which all the junk will be shoveled in the garbage can.

If you are helping your adult daughter with tuition, you have the right to expect her to get up and attend school. Why she is too tired is beyond your control. If she's not carrying her own weight, cease funding. It's her choice.

kmangel

My son is doing much better now and the issue of helping his going to get his Master's Degree is something my husband and I are considering. What I would like to do, though, is pay after he completes his semesters--not before. If we pay everything up front, then he will have no initiative to seek scholarships. Also, if we pay after he successfully completes the semesters, we will know we haven't wasted any money.