SCARED, need your help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 11
SCARED, need your help
Hi everyone,
I've been posting on here this weekend. I've gotten through a lot, and sort of come up with a non-codie plan to do when my boyfriend comes back from his binge. I'm really trying to stabilize the ups and downs that I've been going through since he left on Friday night.
I know what needs to be done from my end. I know that it is him that needs to make the decision to get and stay sober and recover.
But now I'm dealing with the fear of him never coming back. My friends seem to think he will, because I'm the only one he has. I did a really stupid thing when he was leaving- I begged him to stay and when he didn't give me the response I wanted I gave him back his ring. He looked at me in shock and said I'm not breaking up with you and I just need some time to think. I'm really scared that he thinks it's over and will never come back.
I KNOW, I promise, that he has to come to his sobriety on his own terms. But I'm scared that he's killed himself. I'm scared that he doesn't think he can reach out to me if he does want help.
And I don't know how long binges last.
What do addicts normally do in these cases? Someone please tell me...
I've been posting on here this weekend. I've gotten through a lot, and sort of come up with a non-codie plan to do when my boyfriend comes back from his binge. I'm really trying to stabilize the ups and downs that I've been going through since he left on Friday night.
I know what needs to be done from my end. I know that it is him that needs to make the decision to get and stay sober and recover.
But now I'm dealing with the fear of him never coming back. My friends seem to think he will, because I'm the only one he has. I did a really stupid thing when he was leaving- I begged him to stay and when he didn't give me the response I wanted I gave him back his ring. He looked at me in shock and said I'm not breaking up with you and I just need some time to think. I'm really scared that he thinks it's over and will never come back.
I KNOW, I promise, that he has to come to his sobriety on his own terms. But I'm scared that he's killed himself. I'm scared that he doesn't think he can reach out to me if he does want help.
And I don't know how long binges last.
What do addicts normally do in these cases? Someone please tell me...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are obsessing, you are allowing fear to control your every thought process. He is an adult, he managed before he met you, he can manage again.
If he doesn't come back, he doesn't come back, he is on a drug binge, he is doing what addicts do. Most likely he will be back, he needs a place to crash and he knows that you will provide that
place, he has you all figured out.
What are your bounderies with him? What else do you have to do in your life except worry and check up on him? There must be other things for you to do.
Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and Codependent No More, both of these should help you.
If he doesn't come back, he doesn't come back, he is on a drug binge, he is doing what addicts do. Most likely he will be back, he needs a place to crash and he knows that you will provide that
place, he has you all figured out.
What are your bounderies with him? What else do you have to do in your life except worry and check up on him? There must be other things for you to do.
Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and Codependent No More, both of these should help you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
heartbroken,
If he is on a binge he is not thinking about you at all. And he does not care, if he is on a binge, whether or not he will ever see you again. He is loaded, if he's on a run. If he's doing coke, he's feeling powerful and amazing. If he's on heroin, he's feeling no emotional pain whatsoever. Of the two of you, only you, right now, are experiencing human emotion. If he's on a run.
And why wouldn't he be? As a drug addict once wrote in a memoir, there are only two states of being for an active addict: High or Craving. If your partner is high, he's checked out. If he's craving, he's still checked out because the only obsession he has is to find the drug and get loaded.
If he has been on a binge and is crashing, he is experiencing depression and emptiness. This is when an addict often shows up at the door. The codependent feels pity for him and lets him back in and promises him she will not abandon him. As he weeps (the after-effects of the drug), she vows they will get through this together, she will never desert him. Most of us here have been in such a scenario many times.
Then it repeats.
Most addicts come back. It is a predictable pattern. He will likely be back.
When you see him again, you can hand him the numbers of AA, NA, and CA in your area. You seem to be in such need to do something meaningful and loving toward him. That is what you can do.
You are winding yourself into such a state of distress. Maybe you can google Al-Anon in your state and find a Sunday night meeting for yourself. One hour of sitting with people regaining their center will at least give you a break from your emotional distress.
If he is on a binge he is not thinking about you at all. And he does not care, if he is on a binge, whether or not he will ever see you again. He is loaded, if he's on a run. If he's doing coke, he's feeling powerful and amazing. If he's on heroin, he's feeling no emotional pain whatsoever. Of the two of you, only you, right now, are experiencing human emotion. If he's on a run.
And why wouldn't he be? As a drug addict once wrote in a memoir, there are only two states of being for an active addict: High or Craving. If your partner is high, he's checked out. If he's craving, he's still checked out because the only obsession he has is to find the drug and get loaded.
If he has been on a binge and is crashing, he is experiencing depression and emptiness. This is when an addict often shows up at the door. The codependent feels pity for him and lets him back in and promises him she will not abandon him. As he weeps (the after-effects of the drug), she vows they will get through this together, she will never desert him. Most of us here have been in such a scenario many times.
Then it repeats.
Most addicts come back. It is a predictable pattern. He will likely be back.
When you see him again, you can hand him the numbers of AA, NA, and CA in your area. You seem to be in such need to do something meaningful and loving toward him. That is what you can do.
You are winding yourself into such a state of distress. Maybe you can google Al-Anon in your state and find a Sunday night meeting for yourself. One hour of sitting with people regaining their center will at least give you a break from your emotional distress.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I know your scared. I have had the same fears. It's extremely painful while you are in it. But Dollydo and EnglishGarden are right, they know us all too well. He will be back when he needs some sleep. Try to get some rest, go for a walk, pray, watch a comedy. Worry will only make YOU sick and it doesn't change a thing. 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Heartbroken,
My husband got hooked on opiates after a sports injury and surgery. He then got hooked up with the drugs from some of the guys at his office (he has a professional job), and started hanging out with them at night until oh 2-3am. I worried that something would happen, and he wouldn’t make it home one night. It is normal to have some worry (you don’t have to be classified as codependent to worry either).
I reached a point of frustration, and finally told him that although I loved him; I didn’t want our marriage to look like this, and if this is the life he wanted (out doing drugs) then he needed to move out and live that life until he was done, wanted to grow up, and come home to our marriage. I made it clear that I loved him, and that I would welcome him home, and support his getting well, when he was ready.
But I too, felt like he might deteriorate and could even become suicidal thinking he had no home anymore, that I didn’t love him, etc. And I would lie if I said I didn’t worry about that in the year we were separated. It never became an obsession, so I think it was normal worry when someone you love is at high risk.
I will never make light of suicidal emotions or threats of suicide because I have read too many post here where it has actually happened. It is a real possibility and we have to be aware of that.
What I realized with my husband was that we had a long relationship, and knew each other well. Deep inside I believed that despite angry words I had said when we fought, or disagreed about his behavior; he still knew that I loved him, and that he could count on me to help him if he was in desperate need; like contemplating suicide. So although, you gave him the ring back; Im sure there is so much more between you and he most likely knows you haven’t truly given up on him.
Another thing I realized is that while I have to be at peace with my actions, words etc. He is also responsible for his response to those things. That is part of being an adult. It takes the responsibility off of me.
Worry will not help the situation now. Try to think of productive things to do for yourself, plan for what you will do when he comes home; what you need going forward, etc.
Will send a prayer up for both of you.
My husband got hooked on opiates after a sports injury and surgery. He then got hooked up with the drugs from some of the guys at his office (he has a professional job), and started hanging out with them at night until oh 2-3am. I worried that something would happen, and he wouldn’t make it home one night. It is normal to have some worry (you don’t have to be classified as codependent to worry either).
I reached a point of frustration, and finally told him that although I loved him; I didn’t want our marriage to look like this, and if this is the life he wanted (out doing drugs) then he needed to move out and live that life until he was done, wanted to grow up, and come home to our marriage. I made it clear that I loved him, and that I would welcome him home, and support his getting well, when he was ready.
But I too, felt like he might deteriorate and could even become suicidal thinking he had no home anymore, that I didn’t love him, etc. And I would lie if I said I didn’t worry about that in the year we were separated. It never became an obsession, so I think it was normal worry when someone you love is at high risk.
I will never make light of suicidal emotions or threats of suicide because I have read too many post here where it has actually happened. It is a real possibility and we have to be aware of that.
What I realized with my husband was that we had a long relationship, and knew each other well. Deep inside I believed that despite angry words I had said when we fought, or disagreed about his behavior; he still knew that I loved him, and that he could count on me to help him if he was in desperate need; like contemplating suicide. So although, you gave him the ring back; Im sure there is so much more between you and he most likely knows you haven’t truly given up on him.
Another thing I realized is that while I have to be at peace with my actions, words etc. He is also responsible for his response to those things. That is part of being an adult. It takes the responsibility off of me.
Worry will not help the situation now. Try to think of productive things to do for yourself, plan for what you will do when he comes home; what you need going forward, etc.
Will send a prayer up for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
By all accounts this guy is 40+/-. He may have 20+ years invested in addiction. You described him as a nomad, a criminal, an irresponsible adult and of course, a dope addict. This is normal- his normal.
Be grateful for all the stuff about his past and present life you do not know.
You can accept him as is/where is or remove yourself from the situation. It's this tween part -your own hopeful fantasy thats going to send you to the loony bin.
Save yourself. That's the only part you control and damnit, you are worth it.
Be grateful for all the stuff about his past and present life you do not know.
You can accept him as is/where is or remove yourself from the situation. It's this tween part -your own hopeful fantasy thats going to send you to the loony bin.
Save yourself. That's the only part you control and damnit, you are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
You have built up a dependency on him and he thus has power over you. He has the power to make you miserable by doing things like this. You obviously love him. This is what love does. It is love's terrible price.
I think that the best way to deal with this is to talk with people who have been just where you are now, who have become vulnerable and hurt by their love. Seek out people who have in one way or another been able to cope with that. I am not one of them. It has never happened to me, except that at times I have lost a dog. This may sound trivial, indeed wrong, for a man is not a dog, a dog cannot be cruel the way a lover can. But I have known loneliness and the terrible vacancy of someone you love not been there any more. I loved a cousin, long ago, over sixty years ago. And one day I received a telegram that she had been killed in a car crash. Unlike your lover, she had not left me and perhaps she did not even love me. But I loved her and now, after so many years I think of her all the time. There is a vacancy.
I'm sorry I cannot be of greater help. I hope he comes back. And as you say, it is up to him. And it does not work unless he gets well for himself, not for you or because you try to make him well in some way.
I guess I haven't been of much help. Maybe all I can do is give you my very best wishes and hope that things get better.
W.
I think that the best way to deal with this is to talk with people who have been just where you are now, who have become vulnerable and hurt by their love. Seek out people who have in one way or another been able to cope with that. I am not one of them. It has never happened to me, except that at times I have lost a dog. This may sound trivial, indeed wrong, for a man is not a dog, a dog cannot be cruel the way a lover can. But I have known loneliness and the terrible vacancy of someone you love not been there any more. I loved a cousin, long ago, over sixty years ago. And one day I received a telegram that she had been killed in a car crash. Unlike your lover, she had not left me and perhaps she did not even love me. But I loved her and now, after so many years I think of her all the time. There is a vacancy.
I'm sorry I cannot be of greater help. I hope he comes back. And as you say, it is up to him. And it does not work unless he gets well for himself, not for you or because you try to make him well in some way.
I guess I haven't been of much help. Maybe all I can do is give you my very best wishes and hope that things get better.
W.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 11
Update:
Please forgive me, I will be reading through these posts as soon as I can. We are in the hospital emergency room right now. Seizures, choking/can't breathe, severe withdrawal. Near catatonic. He went on a binge of heroin, Xanax, methadone. Nearly killed himself.
Thanks to you guys, this time I'm looking at both of us for recovery, not just him. Mine is the only one I should focus on.
Thank you so much for your posts.
Please forgive me, I will be reading through these posts as soon as I can. We are in the hospital emergency room right now. Seizures, choking/can't breathe, severe withdrawal. Near catatonic. He went on a binge of heroin, Xanax, methadone. Nearly killed himself.
Thanks to you guys, this time I'm looking at both of us for recovery, not just him. Mine is the only one I should focus on.
Thank you so much for your posts.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Im so sorry. Thank God he was able to get to the hospital.
I understand about the symptoms also; my husband was violently ill at one point; had a seizure, and they said it was from the Benzo (Xanax) that he mixed with the opiates.
I will send up double prayers tonight that they will get him stabilized & that this will be a turning point for him. Take care of you during all this; pace yourself.
I understand about the symptoms also; my husband was violently ill at one point; had a seizure, and they said it was from the Benzo (Xanax) that he mixed with the opiates.
I will send up double prayers tonight that they will get him stabilized & that this will be a turning point for him. Take care of you during all this; pace yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Perhaps I can say that I'm not the only one who has you in my thoughts. There are countless others on SR all over the world who share your concerns and your sorrow. Who are thinking of you right now and who hope that perhaps this may be a turning point for the one you love. It must be terrible for him. Perhaps he may realize that this last binge has a note of finality to it, and, most important of all, that there is a way out. Because others have been right where he is and they have been able to take the road back. When he is recovered enough to talk, just ask him whether it is now time for him to take that long road back, to come home to the person that he truly is, to be free from the slavery of all these substances. Home and freedom are there for him if he wants it hard enough. And you are there for him too. Good luck.
W.
W.
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