Have you ever noticed??
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Have you ever noticed??
Have you ever noticed the common theme when addicts and codependents fall in love?
It always seems to be this world wind romance with the "one." They are always are soul mates, our best friends, beautiful, charming, kind, intelligent and so loving. We are finally complete with our new love, our new relationship. ugh
Is the addict that cunning or are the codependents that needy? Or is it a perfect mix for a very sick and unhealthy relationship waiting to happen?
It always seems to be this world wind romance with the "one." They are always are soul mates, our best friends, beautiful, charming, kind, intelligent and so loving. We are finally complete with our new love, our new relationship. ugh
Is the addict that cunning or are the codependents that needy? Or is it a perfect mix for a very sick and unhealthy relationship waiting to happen?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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"It always seems to be this world wind romance with the "one." They are always are soul mates, our best friends, beautiful, charming, kind, intelligent and so loving. We are finally complete with our new love, our new relationship."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've read those exact words on this board, I'd be sitting on pile of cash.
Addicts can pick a codependent/enabler out of a crowd of a 1000 people....they have a special radar to find the weak and needy, the wanna helpers.
I also feel that many, especially women, are addicted to romance and romantic feelings override comman sense. Codependents seem to confuse being needed with being loved.
IMO, the combination is a perfect mix for an unhealthy relationship.
Good question, thanks for posting.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've read those exact words on this board, I'd be sitting on pile of cash.
Addicts can pick a codependent/enabler out of a crowd of a 1000 people....they have a special radar to find the weak and needy, the wanna helpers.
I also feel that many, especially women, are addicted to romance and romantic feelings override comman sense. Codependents seem to confuse being needed with being loved.
IMO, the combination is a perfect mix for an unhealthy relationship.
Good question, thanks for posting.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I don't know. I was in love my addict. I wasn't a codie. I was strong. I had my own goals. I was very independent, and so was he. I don't think everyone who is with an an addict is a "codie". Maybe I just don't get it. Maybe he let go before I was about to turn into one. I really believed we were soul mates, and still do. Hence, our son. We get each other. Nobody ever got me the way he did. We laughed. We loved. He snorted and cheated. He just couldn't grow up. Always wanted to have fun. I wanted a baby and a family. He is a follwer and started to follow a loser around like a puppy dog. He was mad at me because I wanted to stay home with our child. Ultimately, he was mad at himself when he lost his job bc he couldn't pass the drug trust. Everything went downhill after that. Then, I became lonely and he was never around. Then, I noticed I started to tip toe around him. Then, it started to be me always being controling and I would always back down. Give it many more years of this, maybe I would become a codie.
I don't know. When everything exploded, I proudly held on tight for my family. I wanted to save hime and make it work. Finally I realized, he was gone. I still miss him. I loved him. I spent 16 years and gave birth to his son...that to me this isn't codie. That to me is mising someone you loved. Its like a death. But, after he left I knew who I was, and what I wanted. In fact, everything was good in my life, but him. It was hard letting go.
don't be too hard on yourself. It is ok to be in love. I do believe there is such a thing.
I don't know. When everything exploded, I proudly held on tight for my family. I wanted to save hime and make it work. Finally I realized, he was gone. I still miss him. I loved him. I spent 16 years and gave birth to his son...that to me this isn't codie. That to me is mising someone you loved. Its like a death. But, after he left I knew who I was, and what I wanted. In fact, everything was good in my life, but him. It was hard letting go.
don't be too hard on yourself. It is ok to be in love. I do believe there is such a thing.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I don't think my husband was an active addict when we met. I was even engaged for 5 years before I got married so that I didn't make a "mistake." I thought I was strong, and healthy with goals. I appeared that way on the outside. By when I reexamine my past relationships - I can see some very common denominators. Me, lol!!
I am the poster child for codependency and it started long before I met my husband. I just didn't know it!
I am the poster child for codependency and it started long before I met my husband. I just didn't know it!
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Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Soulmate is a Greek myth and an unrealistic expectation.
Seeking someone to complete you will likely cloud one's judgment despite the red flags.
Seeking someone to complete you will likely cloud one's judgment despite the red flags.
I once defined "soul mate" (with a group of friends) as someone who brings out the best in you. They were all like wow, that's so awesome. I look back and want to gag. I am not jaded, I am just disappointed.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
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" I wanted to save hime and make it work."
As did the rest of we codies. We are independent and strong in many facets of our lives. When
it comes to our "addicted soulmate" we stop thinking with our head, we make excuses and will do most anything to cure the addict. Loving another does not conquer addiction, whereas loving
ourselves first and formost can be a stepping stone to curing our codependency.
As did the rest of we codies. We are independent and strong in many facets of our lives. When
it comes to our "addicted soulmate" we stop thinking with our head, we make excuses and will do most anything to cure the addict. Loving another does not conquer addiction, whereas loving
ourselves first and formost can be a stepping stone to curing our codependency.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Unfortunately, for me, when I have a magical connection with somebody, and they seem like a soul mate, then that is a bad sign. It is like I can sense that the person needs saving or something. And, that person recognizes me as someone who will dance the dance of codependency with them.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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STORY74- "I was strong. I had my own goals. I was very independent, and so was he. I don't think everyone who is with an an addict is a "codie".
I agree, I do not think that everyone is co-dependent and that is why an unhealthy relationship first occurs. I know that I now have issues to tackle but I did not have these when I had started my journey. I also am a very independent person and it was a quality that my ex "admired" so much. Throughout the time he dealt with his active addiction, I completed a very difficult year @ university and graduated during the midst of this chaos. My self confindence indeed went down but never did I stop completely loving myself. I did not control him, if anything, I was told that I was too laid back about him hanging out with his buddies... we both had our own idenities and respected that. I have never "needed" my ex for unsound reasons, I LOVED HIM and will never deny it.
Please do not think that I don't know what my problems now are , I do. Some self destructive behaviors do develop WHEN in this type of life style. My biggest problem was allowing the manipulation. Would I repeat it? No, not with the knowledge that I have now. Knowledge is key. I was ignorant to addiction and only following what I thought a supportive,loyal,caring person does.
I agree, I do not think that everyone is co-dependent and that is why an unhealthy relationship first occurs. I know that I now have issues to tackle but I did not have these when I had started my journey. I also am a very independent person and it was a quality that my ex "admired" so much. Throughout the time he dealt with his active addiction, I completed a very difficult year @ university and graduated during the midst of this chaos. My self confindence indeed went down but never did I stop completely loving myself. I did not control him, if anything, I was told that I was too laid back about him hanging out with his buddies... we both had our own idenities and respected that. I have never "needed" my ex for unsound reasons, I LOVED HIM and will never deny it.
Please do not think that I don't know what my problems now are , I do. Some self destructive behaviors do develop WHEN in this type of life style. My biggest problem was allowing the manipulation. Would I repeat it? No, not with the knowledge that I have now. Knowledge is key. I was ignorant to addiction and only following what I thought a supportive,loyal,caring person does.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Rsk, well said.
And yes dolly do, I loved him and wanted to save him. And if you keep reading further, I realized I couldn't. And slowly and painfully moved on. We all did this. But, like I said, I didn't lose myself in him. Just because I was married to an addict, doesn't mean I was a codie. And I feel sorry for some of you you who don't believe in soul mates and love. I do. He and I had a connection like none other. We were brought into this world to be together and go thru this to learn lessons. Maybe I have another soul mate out there for the future. Who knows. But as much as my door is locked, I still do believe in true love and respect. I know what a real relationship SHOULD be. I'm not living in a fairy tale.
And thank god I am a strong woman. I was a stay at home mother and within a year landed a full time professional job with benefits and pension. I have a craft store on the side and I continuously work on my art and passions. I am a damn good mother. I am doing awesome for everything I have gone thru.
And I am not a codie to admit, I loved my sons father and would have done anything to save my marriage or my family. I tried. I realized, just like all of us, that we have no control...but that doesn't make me a codie. I can be happy without him. I don't need him. But I can grieve for the family that I wanted and wished for. And at one time, he was a damn good man.
And yes dolly do, I loved him and wanted to save him. And if you keep reading further, I realized I couldn't. And slowly and painfully moved on. We all did this. But, like I said, I didn't lose myself in him. Just because I was married to an addict, doesn't mean I was a codie. And I feel sorry for some of you you who don't believe in soul mates and love. I do. He and I had a connection like none other. We were brought into this world to be together and go thru this to learn lessons. Maybe I have another soul mate out there for the future. Who knows. But as much as my door is locked, I still do believe in true love and respect. I know what a real relationship SHOULD be. I'm not living in a fairy tale.
And thank god I am a strong woman. I was a stay at home mother and within a year landed a full time professional job with benefits and pension. I have a craft store on the side and I continuously work on my art and passions. I am a damn good mother. I am doing awesome for everything I have gone thru.
And I am not a codie to admit, I loved my sons father and would have done anything to save my marriage or my family. I tried. I realized, just like all of us, that we have no control...but that doesn't make me a codie. I can be happy without him. I don't need him. But I can grieve for the family that I wanted and wished for. And at one time, he was a damn good man.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
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"I still do believe in true love and respect."
As do I. You do sound like a strong, compassionate person, and a good mother, I am sure there will be another special man in your life.
Being a codie does not mean that we do not love another. I have been a codie since I was a
child, my living the process has made me understand that codependency is not a nasty handle, or a fatal emotional disease, it is just a lifestyle/behavior that I had developed and one that I needed to correct as I was drowning myself in the muck and mire of trying to help others.
Personally, I find no real stigima attached to the word codependent.
As do I. You do sound like a strong, compassionate person, and a good mother, I am sure there will be another special man in your life.
Being a codie does not mean that we do not love another. I have been a codie since I was a
child, my living the process has made me understand that codependency is not a nasty handle, or a fatal emotional disease, it is just a lifestyle/behavior that I had developed and one that I needed to correct as I was drowning myself in the muck and mire of trying to help others.
Personally, I find no real stigima attached to the word codependent.
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I still believe in true love and a mutually respectful relationship. I believe I once had that with my husband for many years.
We were a great team. We had a successful business together, a nice home, nice boat, nice cars, nice vacations, got custody of his kids and were once a beautiful family. He had his hobbies and I had mine. We both were involved with their school, their sports and our house was open to the neighborhood. (Although, in hindsight, neither one of us ever had good conflict resolutions skills. We were both needed to be right but we never stayed angry long.)
I was very naive about addiction and had no idea he loved the feeling of a prescribed medication so much that it would eventually be his downfall. I am still not sure when it crossed over into addiction, maybe it was right from the beginning, I really don't know.
I just know that the once honest, loving man became a lying, selfish jackass. I really thought my love could save him, we were special and this could all be fixed. I had no idea what I was dealing with. Somewhere I became as sick as him and didn't know it.
But like I said earlier, I think my codependency issues were planted long before addiction entered the picture. When my parents divorced, I saw my mother as weak next to my powerful father and I wasn't going to let him intimidate her. I was only 12 and already I trying to rescue my mother from the big bad wolf. She never needed my help, I just thought she did.
We were a great team. We had a successful business together, a nice home, nice boat, nice cars, nice vacations, got custody of his kids and were once a beautiful family. He had his hobbies and I had mine. We both were involved with their school, their sports and our house was open to the neighborhood. (Although, in hindsight, neither one of us ever had good conflict resolutions skills. We were both needed to be right but we never stayed angry long.)
I was very naive about addiction and had no idea he loved the feeling of a prescribed medication so much that it would eventually be his downfall. I am still not sure when it crossed over into addiction, maybe it was right from the beginning, I really don't know.
I just know that the once honest, loving man became a lying, selfish jackass. I really thought my love could save him, we were special and this could all be fixed. I had no idea what I was dealing with. Somewhere I became as sick as him and didn't know it.
But like I said earlier, I think my codependency issues were planted long before addiction entered the picture. When my parents divorced, I saw my mother as weak next to my powerful father and I wasn't going to let him intimidate her. I was only 12 and already I trying to rescue my mother from the big bad wolf. She never needed my help, I just thought she did.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by story74
Rsk, well said.
And yes dolly do, I loved him and wanted to save him. And if you keep reading further, I realized I couldn't. And slowly and painfully moved on. We all did this. But, like I said, I didn't lose myself in him. Just because I was married to an addict, doesn't mean I was a codie. And I feel sorry for some of you you who don't believe in soul mates and love. I do. He and I had a connection like none other. We were brought into this world to be together and go thru this to learn lessons. Maybe I have another soul mate out there for the future. Who knows. But as much as my door is locked, I still do believe in true love and respect. I know what a real relationship SHOULD be. I'm not living in a fairy tale. .
And yes dolly do, I loved him and wanted to save him. And if you keep reading further, I realized I couldn't. And slowly and painfully moved on. We all did this. But, like I said, I didn't lose myself in him. Just because I was married to an addict, doesn't mean I was a codie. And I feel sorry for some of you you who don't believe in soul mates and love. I do. He and I had a connection like none other. We were brought into this world to be together and go thru this to learn lessons. Maybe I have another soul mate out there for the future. Who knows. But as much as my door is locked, I still do believe in true love and respect. I know what a real relationship SHOULD be. I'm not living in a fairy tale. .
But I do believe in true love. And sometimes I grow tired of reading on this forum - that as soon as the 'non addict ' speaks about being concerned for the addict, worried, trying to help, trying to figure things out- that other members on the board just scream 'codependency'. What ever happenened to love and support and just trying to figure life out!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I apologize if this thread offended anyone. That was never my intention. This "theory" does not apply to everyone here, every relationship or all marriages.
Also, I do not think being codependent is anything to be ashamed of. I am actually "enjoying" learning about me, changing and growing. Again, my codependent thinking started many years ago.
The only absolute on this board is....We are no match for addiction. We dd not cause, we can not control it and we can not cure it. But in hindsight, I definitely contributed to it and for this - I forgive myself.
Also, I do not think being codependent is anything to be ashamed of. I am actually "enjoying" learning about me, changing and growing. Again, my codependent thinking started many years ago.
The only absolute on this board is....We are no match for addiction. We dd not cause, we can not control it and we can not cure it. But in hindsight, I definitely contributed to it and for this - I forgive myself.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I completely agree with everyone's posts. No-one signs up for this. No-one really understands the brevity of the situation when they get involved with an addict. I knew that he had issues, but I never understood to what degree he would take it. It is alarming! Frightening, jaw dropping...
Lara, you hit it dead on. I know I'm a lot hurt right now, but there is a certain frustration that occurs when you get called codependent. Label me if you want, that's fine. When anyone in my family is in trouble, I am there for them. If my compassion for others makes me that way, so be it. I am learning to stop certain enabling behaviors for sure and I am learning from my mistakes. But that doesn't make me somehow of a bad person if I don't want to see my loved ones hurt. I know there is a line. I will stick to my boundaries.
True love does exist. I'm going on 36. I've been around the block a few times with all sorts of relationships, and all different kinds of men. Do you really think that I would have gotten involved with a known drug addict with a criminal background (with open cases at the time that we set up) with no friends, nothing to show for his whole life? I particularly remember walking into my therapist's office telling him I specifically did not want to be in a relationship for a whole year so that I could fully focus on myself. I am a strong, independent woman with a thriving business. I am probably too independent and have had to learn to rely on other people more. True love does exist. The one does exist. I would have scoffed at that idea before him. When you meet a soul mate, there is nothing you can do to explain it, you just know. There is such a strong, soulful connection that is impossible to deny. I can feel it, and just because I can't prove it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. This coming from an analytical, scientific-minded accountant.
Lovemenot, I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through. No matter which way you slice it, it really sucks. My heart and all of my hugs go out to you today. I am sorry that you had to go through that and have your heart broken and your dreams shattered. Would you do it all over again? Better to love and lost than to not have loved at all? I struggle with that one, but I think at the end of the day I am still so in love with him, and I will never stop believing in him. He has to get help. He has to pick himself up and keep trying, and start again. I know how to stop enabling him now. I didn't before. I can love him from a distance and out of my house, but he is still my one. I will help him seek help when he is ready.
Lara, you hit it dead on. I know I'm a lot hurt right now, but there is a certain frustration that occurs when you get called codependent. Label me if you want, that's fine. When anyone in my family is in trouble, I am there for them. If my compassion for others makes me that way, so be it. I am learning to stop certain enabling behaviors for sure and I am learning from my mistakes. But that doesn't make me somehow of a bad person if I don't want to see my loved ones hurt. I know there is a line. I will stick to my boundaries.
True love does exist. I'm going on 36. I've been around the block a few times with all sorts of relationships, and all different kinds of men. Do you really think that I would have gotten involved with a known drug addict with a criminal background (with open cases at the time that we set up) with no friends, nothing to show for his whole life? I particularly remember walking into my therapist's office telling him I specifically did not want to be in a relationship for a whole year so that I could fully focus on myself. I am a strong, independent woman with a thriving business. I am probably too independent and have had to learn to rely on other people more. True love does exist. The one does exist. I would have scoffed at that idea before him. When you meet a soul mate, there is nothing you can do to explain it, you just know. There is such a strong, soulful connection that is impossible to deny. I can feel it, and just because I can't prove it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. This coming from an analytical, scientific-minded accountant.
Lovemenot, I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through. No matter which way you slice it, it really sucks. My heart and all of my hugs go out to you today. I am sorry that you had to go through that and have your heart broken and your dreams shattered. Would you do it all over again? Better to love and lost than to not have loved at all? I struggle with that one, but I think at the end of the day I am still so in love with him, and I will never stop believing in him. He has to get help. He has to pick himself up and keep trying, and start again. I know how to stop enabling him now. I didn't before. I can love him from a distance and out of my house, but he is still my one. I will help him seek help when he is ready.
Getting there!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I still love my husband very much but I am learning to detach. I can no longer be enmeshed in his issues. I care and I have compassion, however I now know that I can only fix me. I need to be healthy so I can have healthy relationships with the people I choose to have in my life.
I think my only regret (which I try not to have) is that I stayed in denial for far too long. I should have sought out help when I knew I had become unhappy and chose to blame it all in him. But yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come, I only have today.
But would I want my daughter, my nieces or my friends to ever enter into a new relationship knowing he is in addict, the answer would be NO! However, I know I can not make their decisions for them, everyone has their own journey and I could only offer suggestions if I am asked but deep in my heart, I would not want wish the life of being with an active addict on anyone.
I think my only regret (which I try not to have) is that I stayed in denial for far too long. I should have sought out help when I knew I had become unhappy and chose to blame it all in him. But yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come, I only have today.
But would I want my daughter, my nieces or my friends to ever enter into a new relationship knowing he is in addict, the answer would be NO! However, I know I can not make their decisions for them, everyone has their own journey and I could only offer suggestions if I am asked but deep in my heart, I would not want wish the life of being with an active addict on anyone.
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ETA - I care and I have compassion however my caring became an obsession, all consuming. I thought I could control it and boy did I try. The more I tried, the more I lost me and the "sicker" I became. I obviously did not know how to care in a healthy way and I still am learning how to!
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Codependency does not mean you are weak or needy! The definition is per Wikipedia is
Codependency (or codependence, interdependency ) is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent
Codependency (or codependence, interdependency ) is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as in an addiction to alcohol or heroin); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent
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Originally Posted by cynical one
So easy to label an addict an addict...but damn that mirror.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the biggest codie of us all?
(I know you are going to say me....so hush it you!! lol)
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I realize I am codependent. I'm not weak or needy. Actually, I am very strong. I just tend to take care of everyone around me before taking care of myself. My parents are addicts/alcoholics. My mom specifically told me that I made her happy. I grew up learning to be selfless and take care of everybody. Learning about codependency has taught me to take care of myself first. I can care for people, but I can't change them. I don't know what's best for other people (especially my RABF). I can let go and let God. I survived a lot growing up, and am much stronger because of it. Like many Codie's, I am an excellent employee and student. I volunteer and am a good member of the community. I just have to remember to heal myself and take care of my needs first.
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