I don't know where else to turn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 11
I don't know where else to turn
Hello,
I don't know where to even begin. My heart hurts so bad right now. I'm a newbie, both on here and in real life when it comes to this. I fell in love with the most incredible, beautiful, romantic man that I have ever met just to see him fall from me... God, it hurts so bad, because I finally let him go last night. I didn't run after him, I didn't drive to pick him up, I just let him go. And now I am in the midst of the deepest despair. He was the one.
I was with him for only 7 months. This week was our anniversary. He was sober and recovering for 5 months and 3 weeks. I was so proud of him. He became who he really was, the one I remember from so long ago. And then one bad hit from life and he relapsed on Xanax. It crushed me. I was so enmeshed in his recovery it hurt me personally. I felt betrayed, bewildered, angry, hurt. One month later, he relapsed again and this time the cops brought him home. Xanax. Enormous amounts. Heroin. One month later, he again relapsed, this time saying it was a suicide attempt. That was last week. He had taken over 300 mg of Methadone, 60 of Xanax, and 60 of Klonodin. They put him in the hospital and then pressed charges. This after clearing up open warrants and getting charges dropped on two court cases that had been haunting him for 5 years. Now he's facing new charges in November.
Somewhere along there, it destroyed me.
We came from two separate lives. His was turbulent, drug ridden, in hiding, bouncing from state to state and job to job. Mine is ambitious, professional, stable. We fell so passionately in love when he came back into my life after 16 years. I know now how hard I tried to save him. ***TEARS*** I had so much faith and love and belief in him. I told him that every day. We had it all when he was sober for so long (for him). We were really, really, happy. Why God? I can't help to question why???
I have been through all the motions. I know I went from a perfectly stable individual to codependent, angry and depressed. I knew at the end that he wasn't committed to recovery. He didn't want to change anything, and the lies were so destructive. The constant fear, worry, trying to save him when I should have let him save himself.
Last night, I looked at him and in my heart knew he had come home from work high. We got into it. I was laying down when I heard him leaving. I ran out and cried for him to not go. He had his bookbag packed and was saying he couldn't take the fighting and hurting me anymore, and that he just needed to think. On one side he sounded like it was done, and then on the other hand he just needed time. I don't know, but either way I panicked. But I let him walk down the driveway, up the street, and out of my life. Only God knows for how long. This is the first time I let go.
I've been crying ever since. He was so wonderful before he relapsed, and our dreams came true with each other. He felt that I was his "one." Now, with all the destruction, I don't even know if he will ever come back.
In the event that he does, I will be honest... I am struggling with letting it go and letting him come back, because it is so painful. Human nature. But I know that the only way that I can help him is to realize that there isn't a darn thing that I can do, and that I have to let him fall and find his bottom. Whatever that means in his case- more arrests, homelessness, overdoses and suicide attempts. He is VERY depressed right now and that's another hard thing to overcome- do I let him go so he tries to kill himself?
He has no-one, but has been known to sleep on the streets in complete isolation before. This is the man that is normally so beautiful and alive. It's like watching a flower die in front of you.
Will he come back?
And when he does, SR, what do I do?
Very very sad right now. :rotfxko
I don't know where to even begin. My heart hurts so bad right now. I'm a newbie, both on here and in real life when it comes to this. I fell in love with the most incredible, beautiful, romantic man that I have ever met just to see him fall from me... God, it hurts so bad, because I finally let him go last night. I didn't run after him, I didn't drive to pick him up, I just let him go. And now I am in the midst of the deepest despair. He was the one.
I was with him for only 7 months. This week was our anniversary. He was sober and recovering for 5 months and 3 weeks. I was so proud of him. He became who he really was, the one I remember from so long ago. And then one bad hit from life and he relapsed on Xanax. It crushed me. I was so enmeshed in his recovery it hurt me personally. I felt betrayed, bewildered, angry, hurt. One month later, he relapsed again and this time the cops brought him home. Xanax. Enormous amounts. Heroin. One month later, he again relapsed, this time saying it was a suicide attempt. That was last week. He had taken over 300 mg of Methadone, 60 of Xanax, and 60 of Klonodin. They put him in the hospital and then pressed charges. This after clearing up open warrants and getting charges dropped on two court cases that had been haunting him for 5 years. Now he's facing new charges in November.
Somewhere along there, it destroyed me.
We came from two separate lives. His was turbulent, drug ridden, in hiding, bouncing from state to state and job to job. Mine is ambitious, professional, stable. We fell so passionately in love when he came back into my life after 16 years. I know now how hard I tried to save him. ***TEARS*** I had so much faith and love and belief in him. I told him that every day. We had it all when he was sober for so long (for him). We were really, really, happy. Why God? I can't help to question why???
I have been through all the motions. I know I went from a perfectly stable individual to codependent, angry and depressed. I knew at the end that he wasn't committed to recovery. He didn't want to change anything, and the lies were so destructive. The constant fear, worry, trying to save him when I should have let him save himself.
Last night, I looked at him and in my heart knew he had come home from work high. We got into it. I was laying down when I heard him leaving. I ran out and cried for him to not go. He had his bookbag packed and was saying he couldn't take the fighting and hurting me anymore, and that he just needed to think. On one side he sounded like it was done, and then on the other hand he just needed time. I don't know, but either way I panicked. But I let him walk down the driveway, up the street, and out of my life. Only God knows for how long. This is the first time I let go.
I've been crying ever since. He was so wonderful before he relapsed, and our dreams came true with each other. He felt that I was his "one." Now, with all the destruction, I don't even know if he will ever come back.
In the event that he does, I will be honest... I am struggling with letting it go and letting him come back, because it is so painful. Human nature. But I know that the only way that I can help him is to realize that there isn't a darn thing that I can do, and that I have to let him fall and find his bottom. Whatever that means in his case- more arrests, homelessness, overdoses and suicide attempts. He is VERY depressed right now and that's another hard thing to overcome- do I let him go so he tries to kill himself?
He has no-one, but has been known to sleep on the streets in complete isolation before. This is the man that is normally so beautiful and alive. It's like watching a flower die in front of you.
Will he come back?
And when he does, SR, what do I do?
Very very sad right now. :rotfxko
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"He has no-one, but has been known to sleep on the streets in complete isolation before."
Addicts sleep on the streets, they manage, as for not having anyone, that is his own fault. He is
an adult and made bad choices. Addicts do not have relationships, they take hostages.
I am sorry that you are so distraught, however, it is better that he doesn't come back until he is clean and sober and working a strong recovery program for at least a year or two, and, then there are still no guarantees, few recover for life.
The only thing you can do is work on you, read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. You are codependent and need to get yourself healthy, it is not your problem that he is an active user, it is his responsibility to
seek and follow through on his recovery. You cannot do this for him, and all the crying, enabling and begging is not going to change a thing....nothing.
He is a nomad, a crimminal and unable to be a responsibile adult, what do you think you can build with him? I see no future with him, only more heartache.
Take care of you, that is all you can do.
Addicts sleep on the streets, they manage, as for not having anyone, that is his own fault. He is
an adult and made bad choices. Addicts do not have relationships, they take hostages.
I am sorry that you are so distraught, however, it is better that he doesn't come back until he is clean and sober and working a strong recovery program for at least a year or two, and, then there are still no guarantees, few recover for life.
The only thing you can do is work on you, read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. You are codependent and need to get yourself healthy, it is not your problem that he is an active user, it is his responsibility to
seek and follow through on his recovery. You cannot do this for him, and all the crying, enabling and begging is not going to change a thing....nothing.
He is a nomad, a crimminal and unable to be a responsibile adult, what do you think you can build with him? I see no future with him, only more heartache.
Take care of you, that is all you can do.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
This may sound harsh, but I don't mean for it to be. You only have seven months invested here. During that seven months, you have been through a lot of turmoil. This man is an addict and you are no match for the drugs. They will win every time.
I know this is hard and I know you feel like your heart has been ripped out, but you are much better off without him in your life. If he comes back, I can guarantee it will just be more of the same and in another month or so, you will be right back in this same spot. He is not relationship material. You deserve better.
I know this is hard and I know you feel like your heart has been ripped out, but you are much better off without him in your life. If he comes back, I can guarantee it will just be more of the same and in another month or so, you will be right back in this same spot. He is not relationship material. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
I just wanted to tell you that I know what you feel like and the pain was the worst that I have ever felt. I thought my ex and I were meant for eachother and how dare anyone tell me differently. I didn't believe that time would make anything better because that was just absurd to me a couple of weeks ago. I promise it actually is true. The pain gets to be manageable but better yet, you start to come out of the darkness and really see how unacceptable things have been.
I have pushed my own needs and dreams aside for "love" but you will learn that real healthy love shouldn't be like this. My ex was also on heroin and that is a really dark place to be involved in. If you give yourself the chance, you will begin to see more clearly. Message me if you ever wanna talk.
I have pushed my own needs and dreams aside for "love" but you will learn that real healthy love shouldn't be like this. My ex was also on heroin and that is a really dark place to be involved in. If you give yourself the chance, you will begin to see more clearly. Message me if you ever wanna talk.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by heartbroken2214 
I was with him for only 7 months. This week was our anniversary. He was sober and recovering for 5 months and 3 weeks.
They put him in the hospital and then pressed charges. This after clearing up open warrants and getting charges dropped on two court cases that had been haunting him for 5 years. Now he's facing new charges in November.
We came from two separate lives. His was turbulent, drug ridden, in hiding, bouncing from state to state and job to job. Mine is ambitious, professional, stable.
Active addicts and those new to recovery make lousy parents and partners.
Sounds like you allowed your own self worth to become tied to what this guy does, or not. Does it make some sense to seek some professional help and/or face to face time in Alanon?
Now or at some future point in time you will decide to either save yourself and let go or be dragged down with him. My money is on you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 11
There are so many good points here. Yes, it is better to wait it out and see; kick him out and let him make his own decision to get better for at least a year. He is a nomad, criminal and irresponsible adult. I would never have fallen for that type of guy in a million years, but he and I just fit. It was right when he was sober. That's the problem. When he was sober.
Suki, you are absolutely right, and I remember yelling this. The drugs win every time. I'm sure everyone in here knows how much that effing hurts. I think along the way I started realizing this, but didn't want to accept it. It's still hard accepting it.
Thank you RSK, I feel so much the same way... I would still argue that this is not who he is intrinsically is. Others would argue yes it is.
Outolunch, thank you for your concern too. I have been going to counseling since December (before him), and on and off for about 15 years. I've come very far. Somewhere along the way though I DID lose myself in him, and his problems, and his welfare. I used to turn up my nose when I was younger at people that allowed this to happen to them. Now I understand how easy it is to over-enmesh, to pity, to want to help so bad that you want to scream, to want to strangle them and kiss them at the same time.
And that was another sore spot. I have come through so much with my own issues through counseling that I practically drilled it into his head that he should go to a therapist. He went three times before he relapsed. I really see his anxiety, depression, and lack of stress management skills as the real problem, not the drugs. I see that more as a symptom that those issues got the best of him. He's on Prozac, and desperately searching for non-existent pyschiatrists in the area to get on an anti-anxiety med. He was on Saboxone for those first 6 months, but it was costing him $600 a month. He was attending meetings. He went to therapy once a week. He was ACTIVELY trying to help himself. That is why I felt he was worth it; EVERYTHING was so positive for the first 6 months. The last two he went downhill, and fast.
I really don't think that he got the help that he needed when he asked for it. For example, after this last stint, he walked right into rehab. They told him that he wasn't withdrawing, and didn't fit their criteria. WTH.
So my question has always been, do I focus on all the effort and the positive 90%, or do I focus on the 10% where life got in the way?
Please, please tell me what you think esp. about the last question. Thank you so much.
Suki, you are absolutely right, and I remember yelling this. The drugs win every time. I'm sure everyone in here knows how much that effing hurts. I think along the way I started realizing this, but didn't want to accept it. It's still hard accepting it.
Thank you RSK, I feel so much the same way... I would still argue that this is not who he is intrinsically is. Others would argue yes it is.
Outolunch, thank you for your concern too. I have been going to counseling since December (before him), and on and off for about 15 years. I've come very far. Somewhere along the way though I DID lose myself in him, and his problems, and his welfare. I used to turn up my nose when I was younger at people that allowed this to happen to them. Now I understand how easy it is to over-enmesh, to pity, to want to help so bad that you want to scream, to want to strangle them and kiss them at the same time.
And that was another sore spot. I have come through so much with my own issues through counseling that I practically drilled it into his head that he should go to a therapist. He went three times before he relapsed. I really see his anxiety, depression, and lack of stress management skills as the real problem, not the drugs. I see that more as a symptom that those issues got the best of him. He's on Prozac, and desperately searching for non-existent pyschiatrists in the area to get on an anti-anxiety med. He was on Saboxone for those first 6 months, but it was costing him $600 a month. He was attending meetings. He went to therapy once a week. He was ACTIVELY trying to help himself. That is why I felt he was worth it; EVERYTHING was so positive for the first 6 months. The last two he went downhill, and fast.
I really don't think that he got the help that he needed when he asked for it. For example, after this last stint, he walked right into rehab. They told him that he wasn't withdrawing, and didn't fit their criteria. WTH.
So my question has always been, do I focus on all the effort and the positive 90%, or do I focus on the 10% where life got in the way?
Please, please tell me what you think esp. about the last question. Thank you so much.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I really see his anxiety, depression, and lack of stress management skills as the real problem, not the drugs."
What came first? The chicken or the egg? We codies have batted that question around for years. Every excuse known to man has been used to defend an addicts usuage and behavior.
The bottom line is, do you want to spend the rest of your life babysitting, coddling and visiting him in prison? His disease has no cure,he is in deep, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean/sober, and, working a strong recovery program or not...that's it.
It is your life, think this all through, learn all you can about addiction, if you decide to take him back, strap yourself in, you are in for one h#ll of a rollercoaster ride.
What came first? The chicken or the egg? We codies have batted that question around for years. Every excuse known to man has been used to defend an addicts usuage and behavior.
The bottom line is, do you want to spend the rest of your life babysitting, coddling and visiting him in prison? His disease has no cure,he is in deep, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean/sober, and, working a strong recovery program or not...that's it.
It is your life, think this all through, learn all you can about addiction, if you decide to take him back, strap yourself in, you are in for one h#ll of a rollercoaster ride.
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