Daughter detoxing from heroin
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Why is she so defensive?
My AD claims to be working on getting into rehab. She has had MRSA and said the rehab wants a test to show she isn't actively infected before they will take her. My husband and I resumed talking to her when she told us she was going to rehab. She has been somewhat receptive with me, but because my husband (not her bio dad) told her to contact only me, she is behaving defensively with him. He had a few very tough days dealing with her rejection of everything he did for her but tonight reached out to wish her luck in rehab. She got rather obnoxious and told him since he wanted her to contact only me, she was respecting that. He is hurt yet again and I tried to explain to him that she is feeling sorry for herself. Somehow she expects us to feel bad for the position she has put herself in. I know she is using in anticipation of her admission to rehab but she doesn't have to be so cruel. Should we just stop the contact?
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I would try to step back and see what she actually does. Remember, if you pull back she will feel the weight of her own decisions much more than if she is constantly reminded that you are there to soften her fall.
Think of it this way: She is addicted to drugs and YOU are addicted to HER. You must find a way to cope with YOUR addiction just as you expect her to cope with hers. When you want to reach for the phone, think of it as an addict reaching for a fix. Go find something else to do. Find another way to relieve your anxiety. Pray, read, hit a meeting, go for a walk, post on SR.
Because of where she is, there is a chance that things will get much worse before they get better. Prepare yourself now...practice your detachment skills and your coping skills for the days and months ahead.
This stuff is not for sissies. I am really sorry....I feel every ounce of your pain. I have been there, too. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. ((((hugs))))
Think of it this way: She is addicted to drugs and YOU are addicted to HER. You must find a way to cope with YOUR addiction just as you expect her to cope with hers. When you want to reach for the phone, think of it as an addict reaching for a fix. Go find something else to do. Find another way to relieve your anxiety. Pray, read, hit a meeting, go for a walk, post on SR.
Because of where she is, there is a chance that things will get much worse before they get better. Prepare yourself now...practice your detachment skills and your coping skills for the days and months ahead.
This stuff is not for sissies. I am really sorry....I feel every ounce of your pain. I have been there, too. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. ((((hugs))))
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Originally Posted by tjp613 
I would try to step back and see what she actually does. Remember, if you pull back she will feel the weight of her own decisions much more than if she is constantly reminded that you are there to soften her fall.
Think of it this way: She is addicted to drugs and YOU are addicted to HER. You must find a way to cope with YOUR addiction just as you expect her to cope with hers. When you want to reach for the phone, think of it as an addict reaching for a fix. Go find something else to do. Find another way to relieve your anxiety. Pray, read, hit a meeting, go for a walk, post on SR.
Because of where she is, there is a chance that things will get much worse before they get better. Prepare yourself now...practice your detachment skills and your coping skills for the days and months ahead.
This stuff is not for sissies. I am really sorry....I feel every ounce of your pain. I have been there, too. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. ((((hugs))))
Think of it this way: She is addicted to drugs and YOU are addicted to HER. You must find a way to cope with YOUR addiction just as you expect her to cope with hers. When you want to reach for the phone, think of it as an addict reaching for a fix. Go find something else to do. Find another way to relieve your anxiety. Pray, read, hit a meeting, go for a walk, post on SR.
Because of where she is, there is a chance that things will get much worse before they get better. Prepare yourself now...practice your detachment skills and your coping skills for the days and months ahead.
This stuff is not for sissies. I am really sorry....I feel every ounce of your pain. I have been there, too. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. ((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Remember, if you pull back she will feel the weight of her own decisions much more than if she is constantly reminded that you are there to soften her fall.
Great advice, TJP. Thank you.
I am just a few steps ahead of you, PerhapsLove, and I have found that the more I work on myself the better things get all around. You can still be loving and get your own needs/growth met; you can still be loving yet be firm about boundaries; you are still loving her when you are not directly helping her (this was a biggie for me!). My heart goes out to you for peace and strength through this. Stepping back was one of the best things I ever did for my AD. Take care.
Great advice, TJP. Thank you.
I am just a few steps ahead of you, PerhapsLove, and I have found that the more I work on myself the better things get all around. You can still be loving and get your own needs/growth met; you can still be loving yet be firm about boundaries; you are still loving her when you are not directly helping her (this was a biggie for me!). My heart goes out to you for peace and strength through this. Stepping back was one of the best things I ever did for my AD. Take care.
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Still Waiting for Rehab
There have been a number of delays, most of which I don't believe, and, of course, I am sure my AD is still using while she waits. Finally tonight, she told me the heroin addicted BF wants them to go to the same rehab! He thinks they can get away with it, because of course he is so much smarter than the staff at the rehab. Little does he know, I would be on the phone to the rehab so fast it would make his head spin! I know that is over-reaching, but I can't stand his arrogance. My daughter doesn't seem strong enough just to tell him that neither of them will get better if they hide their relationship. I don't understand that, except that she may be afraid he will kick her out tonight. The thing that worries me is that she hasn't committed to leaving him.
I am feeling so much better from reading these posts everyday. I am learning so much and giving myself permission not to rescue my daughter. I tell myself everyday, "Get out of God's way." It still is hard to know what the right answers are when she expresses her fears and anxieties. I don't know what to say when she talks about missing her daughter and her stepdad and me. I understand that her choices put her where she is. But I do feel sorry for her.
I am feeling so much better from reading these posts everyday. I am learning so much and giving myself permission not to rescue my daughter. I tell myself everyday, "Get out of God's way." It still is hard to know what the right answers are when she expresses her fears and anxieties. I don't know what to say when she talks about missing her daughter and her stepdad and me. I understand that her choices put her where she is. But I do feel sorry for her.
I'm no angel!
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Location: tampa, fl
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The struggle continues, I feel your frustration. She is and has always been in the hands of the HP, there is a plan, although we don't always understand the whys and wherefors of the journey.
IMO she will not be leaving him anytime soon, they have something in common....drug addiction. Recovery? Sounds like a smoke screen to me, I wouldn't bet the farm on them going or completing a program...addicts who live together truley live in a codependent enviorment.
Keep working on you, reach out to your other children, your friends and your husband for support.
IMO she will not be leaving him anytime soon, they have something in common....drug addiction. Recovery? Sounds like a smoke screen to me, I wouldn't bet the farm on them going or completing a program...addicts who live together truley live in a codependent enviorment.
Keep working on you, reach out to your other children, your friends and your husband for support.
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Originally Posted by dollydo
The struggle continues, I feel your frustration. She is and has always been in the hands of the HP, there is a plan, although we don't always understand the whys and wherefors of the journey.
IMO she will not be leaving him anytime soon, they have something in common....drug addiction. Recovery? Sounds like a smoke screen to me, I wouldn't bet the farm on them going or completing a program...addicts who live together truley live in a codependent enviorment.
Keep working on you, reach out to your other children, your friends and your husband for support.
IMO she will not be leaving him anytime soon, they have something in common....drug addiction. Recovery? Sounds like a smoke screen to me, I wouldn't bet the farm on them going or completing a program...addicts who live together truley live in a codependent enviorment.
Keep working on you, reach out to your other children, your friends and your husband for support.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Hang in there, PerhapsLove! It is so, so hard. You can feel badly for her and still take care of yourself. Over time, that feeling "bad" will diminish, and you will just be back to loving her, no matter what she decides. Bubble bath? Favorite movie? Decadent snack?
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Feeling sorry for my husband is where I ran into trouble. Fear, Obligation and Guilt kept me in a FOG. I many bad choices based on those 3 words and emotions.
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Originally Posted by PerhapsLove
Thank you, LMN. Just as a human response, it is hard not to feel sorry for another person who is in such a sorry state, even though they have caused it. I guess the important thing, which is also hard, is how I react to my feelings. I am over the obligation and guilt. The fear is another thing. My other kids have said they are prepared to attend her funeral. I don't know how to prepare myself for that.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
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A great post by Nytepassion!
Let Me Fall + More (hope for parents)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it.
Don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me).
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it.
The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my brokenness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours.
The sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.
In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.
Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me, but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly.
Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
__________________________________________________ ___________________________
Now:
It took much courage and strength on my mothers behalf to do just this very thing for me. It wasn't until my addiction literally left her with no other choice ... I had literally alienated my own mother ... She let go and let God ... I kicked, and screamed, yelled and spewed vile words at her .... accused her of not knowing loyalty to family ... How dare she treat me like dirt (she had refused to enable me or take my verbal abuse anymore) she stopped giving me money (because she had figured out that I was lying to her by telling her that the money was for rent or bills or food, or this need and that need ... I'd call give my sob story (she'd write a check) I'd show up while she was at work (didn't even have the decency to come get the money while she was home so she could spend time with me (nope, I'd have her leave the check under her pillow) I'd come pick it up ... go cash it and off to buy dope ... (I'd call her and thank her while I was high and feelin' good ... I'd smooze her and tell her how I didn't know what I would have done without her help ... I would make her feel all good about helping me and like she was my savior (and all the while I was lubing her for the next check) <~~ "THE UGLY TRUTH"
I didn't want my mom to Let Go and Let God and I made sure to do the best I could to guilt trip her every time she tried to not-enable me ... but she stuck to her guns ... stood firm ... she no longer listened to my verbal attacks .. nope, she would say, If your going to talk to me like that I am going to hang up ... and if I continued spewin' off at the mouth .. she hung up, wouldn't answer the phone if I tried to call back either ... In being consistent with this behavior she taught me (If I want to talk with my mom .. I must talk with respect) and this also taught me to see my mom as not just my mom because not only was she my mom, but is also a human being, an individual, a woman ... and this woman had found enough respect for herself to demand that I give her the respect she was due (especially from her own child) this gave me a new view of my mom (I saw a courage, a strength that I never knew existed in her) I had always been able to manipulate my mom into getting whatever I wanted from her ... I knew all her softy buttons, I knew how to hound her for what I wanted until she gave in just to save her sanity (I was relentless) because I knew being relentless would break her down .. When I was a kid I got away with far to much ... she would try to correct me and I just bucked up and rebelled, she would cry and have heart to hearts begging me and pleading with me to be good ... telling me how much she loved me ... I was a strong willed, stubborn, bullheaded kid ... I wanted to do what I wanted to do ... and pretty much did it ... regardless if it hurt her or not ... after so many tears and so much pleading ... my mom struck me as weak ... she couldn't control me ... I had over thrown her authority and broke her down to a sobbing mess that could only look at me through tear filled eyes and plead with me to straighten up ... this was a sign of weakness to me .. I walked all over her as did my addiction ... but somewhere deep inside she pulled the strength from within to STAND up for herself and to my addiction and she had courage, she demanded respect ... she was consistent which showed me my mom had changed ... I started to find that I respected her .. so we'd talk on the phone ... (as long as I was polite and respectful) through talking to her I learned that she (had a life, dreams of her own) the more I learned about her the more I liked her ... the more I liked her the closer I felt to her .. the closer I felt to her ... the closer I wanted to be with her ...
I was still using during this process, ... and it took a few more years before I got clean, but I had my friend (my mom) that I could call and talk to ... and she was there for me ... I wanted to be closer with her ... but I knew I wasn't done with using just yet ... and truthfully I wondered if I would ever be ...
Eventually, I came to the place where my heart was filled with wanting to remove the drug wedge that was still between me and my mom ... and plus I was miserable, hated life and was thinking of killing myself .. I thought I had tried everything drugs, alcohol, people, relationships ... anything and everything to fill the void and there was nothing left to try ... until something spoke to my heart and said, "Have you tried God .. Until you've tried God you haven't tried everything ... and I thought to myself ... Nope, I haven't tried God, ... but I live by the golden rule I'll try anything at least once ... So I prayed, God I don't wanna do drugs anymore, I don't wanna drink anymore ... I don't even wanna smoke cigarettes anymore ... and 3 days later I realized I hadn't done any of those things ... nor did I have the desire to ... and I thought "There must be something to this God thing" 3 days, turned into 3 weeks, months, years and well "there really was something to that God Thing" and Lets give credit where credit is due ...
It had a lot to do with the Mom Thing as well ... she may have not done like I wanted her to do, but she did what I needed her to do ... and that was she STOPPED Enabling me and let me fall on my own and she prayed that the pain would hurt enough that I'd want to heal, but that the impact of the fall wouldn't kill me ... and it didn't ...
I arrived safe and sound on the wings of an angel (I call M O T H E R) and a prayer to an Awesome and Powerful God.
I pray my story gives you hope,
Passion
Recovering Addict
Let Me Fall + More (hope for parents)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it.
Don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me).
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it.
The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my brokenness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours.
The sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.
If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.
In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.
Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me, but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly.
Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
__________________________________________________ ___________________________
Now:
It took much courage and strength on my mothers behalf to do just this very thing for me. It wasn't until my addiction literally left her with no other choice ... I had literally alienated my own mother ... She let go and let God ... I kicked, and screamed, yelled and spewed vile words at her .... accused her of not knowing loyalty to family ... How dare she treat me like dirt (she had refused to enable me or take my verbal abuse anymore) she stopped giving me money (because she had figured out that I was lying to her by telling her that the money was for rent or bills or food, or this need and that need ... I'd call give my sob story (she'd write a check) I'd show up while she was at work (didn't even have the decency to come get the money while she was home so she could spend time with me (nope, I'd have her leave the check under her pillow) I'd come pick it up ... go cash it and off to buy dope ... (I'd call her and thank her while I was high and feelin' good ... I'd smooze her and tell her how I didn't know what I would have done without her help ... I would make her feel all good about helping me and like she was my savior (and all the while I was lubing her for the next check) <~~ "THE UGLY TRUTH"
I didn't want my mom to Let Go and Let God and I made sure to do the best I could to guilt trip her every time she tried to not-enable me ... but she stuck to her guns ... stood firm ... she no longer listened to my verbal attacks .. nope, she would say, If your going to talk to me like that I am going to hang up ... and if I continued spewin' off at the mouth .. she hung up, wouldn't answer the phone if I tried to call back either ... In being consistent with this behavior she taught me (If I want to talk with my mom .. I must talk with respect) and this also taught me to see my mom as not just my mom because not only was she my mom, but is also a human being, an individual, a woman ... and this woman had found enough respect for herself to demand that I give her the respect she was due (especially from her own child) this gave me a new view of my mom (I saw a courage, a strength that I never knew existed in her) I had always been able to manipulate my mom into getting whatever I wanted from her ... I knew all her softy buttons, I knew how to hound her for what I wanted until she gave in just to save her sanity (I was relentless) because I knew being relentless would break her down .. When I was a kid I got away with far to much ... she would try to correct me and I just bucked up and rebelled, she would cry and have heart to hearts begging me and pleading with me to be good ... telling me how much she loved me ... I was a strong willed, stubborn, bullheaded kid ... I wanted to do what I wanted to do ... and pretty much did it ... regardless if it hurt her or not ... after so many tears and so much pleading ... my mom struck me as weak ... she couldn't control me ... I had over thrown her authority and broke her down to a sobbing mess that could only look at me through tear filled eyes and plead with me to straighten up ... this was a sign of weakness to me .. I walked all over her as did my addiction ... but somewhere deep inside she pulled the strength from within to STAND up for herself and to my addiction and she had courage, she demanded respect ... she was consistent which showed me my mom had changed ... I started to find that I respected her .. so we'd talk on the phone ... (as long as I was polite and respectful) through talking to her I learned that she (had a life, dreams of her own) the more I learned about her the more I liked her ... the more I liked her the closer I felt to her .. the closer I felt to her ... the closer I wanted to be with her ...
I was still using during this process, ... and it took a few more years before I got clean, but I had my friend (my mom) that I could call and talk to ... and she was there for me ... I wanted to be closer with her ... but I knew I wasn't done with using just yet ... and truthfully I wondered if I would ever be ...
Eventually, I came to the place where my heart was filled with wanting to remove the drug wedge that was still between me and my mom ... and plus I was miserable, hated life and was thinking of killing myself .. I thought I had tried everything drugs, alcohol, people, relationships ... anything and everything to fill the void and there was nothing left to try ... until something spoke to my heart and said, "Have you tried God .. Until you've tried God you haven't tried everything ... and I thought to myself ... Nope, I haven't tried God, ... but I live by the golden rule I'll try anything at least once ... So I prayed, God I don't wanna do drugs anymore, I don't wanna drink anymore ... I don't even wanna smoke cigarettes anymore ... and 3 days later I realized I hadn't done any of those things ... nor did I have the desire to ... and I thought "There must be something to this God thing" 3 days, turned into 3 weeks, months, years and well "there really was something to that God Thing" and Lets give credit where credit is due ...
It had a lot to do with the Mom Thing as well ... she may have not done like I wanted her to do, but she did what I needed her to do ... and that was she STOPPED Enabling me and let me fall on my own and she prayed that the pain would hurt enough that I'd want to heal, but that the impact of the fall wouldn't kill me ... and it didn't ...
I arrived safe and sound on the wings of an angel (I call M O T H E R) and a prayer to an Awesome and Powerful God.
I pray my story gives you hope,
Passion
Recovering Addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
Oh my goodness! What a powerful testimony! This really spoke to me, LMN. I am printing it out to read everyday. I pray that I can find that inner strength to stand up to her addiction. For as much as I want to be close to her, she has placed a huge obstacle between us. Things will not improve until she removes the obstacle. But I can change now.
Again I am astounded at the help and support I have gotten here. I can't find the words to express my gratitude.
Again I am astounded at the help and support I have gotten here. I can't find the words to express my gratitude.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
But we can't love them into their graves either.
My other children have said the same basic thing to me. I am learning to separate my love from my fear. Just as when they were small, loving them sometimes means taking a tough stand.
I know that God's plan is working. Being afraid of her consequences serves no purpose. Awhile back, I was terrified by the thought of her walking around city streets intoxicated. The idea of her being so vulnerable to bad things out there would overwhelm me. Now she accompanies her ABF to seedy neighborhoods to buy drugs. I can"t protect her from these choices. She has to know the risks. But I can't let my mind wander to the scary thoughts.
My other children have said the same basic thing to me. I am learning to separate my love from my fear. Just as when they were small, loving them sometimes means taking a tough stand.
I know that God's plan is working. Being afraid of her consequences serves no purpose. Awhile back, I was terrified by the thought of her walking around city streets intoxicated. The idea of her being so vulnerable to bad things out there would overwhelm me. Now she accompanies her ABF to seedy neighborhoods to buy drugs. I can"t protect her from these choices. She has to know the risks. But I can't let my mind wander to the scary thoughts.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
Finally Going to Rehab
My daughter texted me today and said she will be picked up this afternoon and taken to a rehab in the area she has been living with the ABF. He supposedly left this morning for a different rehab. I hope this is all true. At least for the next 28 days she will be in good hands.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
PerhapsLove,
We empathize SO much...you have no idea.It is so VERY difficult
when we care --- to watch them self destruct. The addict I cared
about was only an aquaintance,I cannot imagine the courage and
raw guts displayed by my hero/mentors here at SR--bravely fighting
this monster affliction within their own families.
I am,and will always be...in awe.
The most useful thing I've learned here is that NONE of it is 'personal'.
It is just science.The brain rewires itself to seek the DOC.Period.End of story.
They don't do it to hurt us.They just do it.
They'd stop if they could.
They can't.
We empathize SO much...you have no idea.It is so VERY difficult
when we care --- to watch them self destruct. The addict I cared
about was only an aquaintance,I cannot imagine the courage and
raw guts displayed by my hero/mentors here at SR--bravely fighting
this monster affliction within their own families.
I am,and will always be...in awe.
The most useful thing I've learned here is that NONE of it is 'personal'.
It is just science.The brain rewires itself to seek the DOC.Period.End of story.
They don't do it to hurt us.They just do it.
They'd stop if they could.
They can't.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 113
Checked out of Rehab
I learned today that my AD apparently signed herself out of rehab after about 3 days of detoxing. I have no idea where she is or if she is okay. I assume she is back with the ABF but I really don't know.
My husband will be furious with this news. He has threatened to cut ties with her if she didn't get help and I don't know if this is the right thing. I feel like if I do that, she will feel so lost that she will live out her life with the ABF on drugs.
Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of her stillborn son, and today is the anniversary of her dad's death. I know these are very painful memories for her, and I was hoping she would have the support of the rehab to see her through it this year.
She hasn't contacted me and her phone goes straight to voicemail. I don't know how to handle this situation. I wonder if I will ever get to the point that this type of thing doesn't leave me feeling so hopeless and scared for her. She will lose contact with her daughter. She will lose contact with her step-dad and her siblings. She will also lose me eventually. I'm not sure if she even thinks about that.
My husband will be furious with this news. He has threatened to cut ties with her if she didn't get help and I don't know if this is the right thing. I feel like if I do that, she will feel so lost that she will live out her life with the ABF on drugs.
Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of her stillborn son, and today is the anniversary of her dad's death. I know these are very painful memories for her, and I was hoping she would have the support of the rehab to see her through it this year.
She hasn't contacted me and her phone goes straight to voicemail. I don't know how to handle this situation. I wonder if I will ever get to the point that this type of thing doesn't leave me feeling so hopeless and scared for her. She will lose contact with her daughter. She will lose contact with her step-dad and her siblings. She will also lose me eventually. I'm not sure if she even thinks about that.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"My husband will be furious with this news. He has threatened to cut ties with her if she didn't get help and I don't know if this is the right thing. I feel like if I do that, she will feel so lost that she will live out her life with the ABF on drugs."
She is lost, if she so decides to, she will live her life on drugs and with her BF....cutting ties and
going no contact in many cases is the right thing to do. Until she has no soft place to land and
finally reaches her bottom....nothing will change.
Have you gone to Naranon meetings yet? Have you read Codependent No More? Read all the stickeys and cynical one's blogs? If not, please do so, the change begins with you, you cannot keep trying to live and direct her life for her...it just doesn't work that way.
I know that you are in pain, I know that you love her...however...it is possible to love her to death.
She is lost, if she so decides to, she will live her life on drugs and with her BF....cutting ties and
going no contact in many cases is the right thing to do. Until she has no soft place to land and
finally reaches her bottom....nothing will change.
Have you gone to Naranon meetings yet? Have you read Codependent No More? Read all the stickeys and cynical one's blogs? If not, please do so, the change begins with you, you cannot keep trying to live and direct her life for her...it just doesn't work that way.
I know that you are in pain, I know that you love her...however...it is possible to love her to death.
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