Daughter detoxing from heroin
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"My gut tells me she isn't being honest."
I'd trust my gut, there is no reason to keep checking on her, she is an adult, treat her as such. Hands off the addict, if she wants to stay where she is she will get a job. She can always go to the Salvation Army, they have a free inpatient rehab program, and it is a good one. You can't do this for her.
Have you read cynical one(s) blogs, there is a host of great information for parents of addicts and alot on bounderies. Go to the top of this page, click on blogs, insert her name and start reading.
You are making yourself a nervous wreck overthinking her situation, it doesn't accomplish a thing, for you or her.
I'd trust my gut, there is no reason to keep checking on her, she is an adult, treat her as such. Hands off the addict, if she wants to stay where she is she will get a job. She can always go to the Salvation Army, they have a free inpatient rehab program, and it is a good one. You can't do this for her.
Have you read cynical one(s) blogs, there is a host of great information for parents of addicts and alot on bounderies. Go to the top of this page, click on blogs, insert her name and start reading.
You are making yourself a nervous wreck overthinking her situation, it doesn't accomplish a thing, for you or her.
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Outtolunch, sometimes I feel like she is a little girl, and that because she is impaired she can't think for herself. But she DOES make choices, whether good or bad, and they do have consequences, all hers. I can't protect her from the consequences, even though sometimes I think I should. Thanks for your support.
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In it's simplest form, enabling is doing for another what they are capable of doing for themselves. Helping is doing for another what they canNOT do for themselves. This does NOT mean you pay rent on her behalf because she's choosing to do drugs and alcohol instead of getting a job and paying her bills. She doesn't have to worry about that stuff because she knows you will!
If you got hit by a train tomorrow, what would she do then? You are not her only solution. Just step WAY back. What is the use of you calling her to find out if she's gone to meetings or not, or whether she has this girl's phone number, etc. If your daughter wants recovery, she will find her own way. If all she needs is to keep you enmeshed so that he bills are paid, then she'll just tell you what you want to hear!
When you unplug she'll start feeling the real pain of using...but not a moment sooner.
If you got hit by a train tomorrow, what would she do then? You are not her only solution. Just step WAY back. What is the use of you calling her to find out if she's gone to meetings or not, or whether she has this girl's phone number, etc. If your daughter wants recovery, she will find her own way. If all she needs is to keep you enmeshed so that he bills are paid, then she'll just tell you what you want to hear!
When you unplug she'll start feeling the real pain of using...but not a moment sooner.
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((Perhapslove)) - I'm both an RA and a recovering codie with loved ones still using. I can tell you that even when I was homeless, in and out of jail, etc. I knew I was loved. My reaction to dealing with ANYTHING, including the guilt of what I was doing to my loved ones was "get numb". It was absolutely never personal. I didn't use AT anyone, I used because I am an A.
Now, I live with my stepmom and dad - she's an A, he's an enabler. I recently decided to "prove" my gut was right - found 4 empty pill bottles of over 200 pills empty in less than two weeks. Guess what? Didn't matter. She came at me like I was threatening her life, and in essence, I was - I was threatening her addiction.
Now I remember why I had stopped trying to find proof of what I already know. I was her, at one time. I still can't help her because she doesn't want it. I can't help dad not enable her, either, as he doesn't want help. The best I can do is set boundaries and stick to them. If I slip, I get right back up.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Now, I live with my stepmom and dad - she's an A, he's an enabler. I recently decided to "prove" my gut was right - found 4 empty pill bottles of over 200 pills empty in less than two weeks. Guess what? Didn't matter. She came at me like I was threatening her life, and in essence, I was - I was threatening her addiction.
Now I remember why I had stopped trying to find proof of what I already know. I was her, at one time. I still can't help her because she doesn't want it. I can't help dad not enable her, either, as he doesn't want help. The best I can do is set boundaries and stick to them. If I slip, I get right back up.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Thanks for the advice. I admire you for being able to set boundaries in your living situation. I am making that my goal.
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I know you want your daughter to embrace recovery. It must be her choice to do so. Don't make phone calls for her. You've made suggestions to her. Does she really want your suggestions--or anyone else's advice? Let her do the work of getting help. Until she puts forth the effort, she is not ready.
My concern now is for my little granddaughter and how much to tell my former son-in-law, who has custody of her. I haven't told him about the recent hospitalization, but since my daughter is NEVER allowed to see my granddaughter without supervision, I don't feel like she is in danger. I allowed myself to be drawn in to the addictive behavior when I agreed not to tell him about this episode (provided she gets treatment). Never again. I have a lot of work to do, too.
IMO your granddaughter does not need to see a mother under the influence, and hiding the truth would not be an option to me. You don't like it when your daughter lies to you...do you?
She is doing what addicts do, no response to texts and so on. I'll bet that she will know your number when she wants something...they all do.
I know that all of this is painful to deal with, however, your grandaughter is the true victim of your daughters toxic behavior, do what is best for your grandaughter, your daughter has chosen her path, and she will live it on her own terms....not yours.
She is doing what addicts do, no response to texts and so on. I'll bet that she will know your number when she wants something...they all do.
I know that all of this is painful to deal with, however, your grandaughter is the true victim of your daughters toxic behavior, do what is best for your grandaughter, your daughter has chosen her path, and she will live it on her own terms....not yours.
I have detoxed from heroin at home, as have my boyfriend and numerous other people I know without complications. Detoxing is only the beginning, adjusting to life sober and learning how to deal with different situations, learning how to experience different emotions, and learning how to avoid temptation is a whole different thing.
There is nothing you can do for your daughter, she needs to want to get clean and she needs to find a program that works for her and she needs to commit to it. You have tried to help in her in past and she has done what addicts do, she did what pleased her in that moment with no regard for tomorrow. I know that you want to believe her when she says she wants to restart her life and that she wants to be clean, but have her actions shown that? She says she wants to restart her life yet she tells her ex where she lives and then claims he "slipped" her something.
I hope that you can find peace and that you can concentrate on yourself and give yourself the tools you need to recover. You're health and mental well being is extremely important. Don't let your worry for her make you forget how much you matter.
hugs
Maylie
There is nothing you can do for your daughter, she needs to want to get clean and she needs to find a program that works for her and she needs to commit to it. You have tried to help in her in past and she has done what addicts do, she did what pleased her in that moment with no regard for tomorrow. I know that you want to believe her when she says she wants to restart her life and that she wants to be clean, but have her actions shown that? She says she wants to restart her life yet she tells her ex where she lives and then claims he "slipped" her something.
I hope that you can find peace and that you can concentrate on yourself and give yourself the tools you need to recover. You're health and mental well being is extremely important. Don't let your worry for her make you forget how much you matter.
hugs
Maylie
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IMO your granddaughter does not need to see a mother under the influence, and hiding the truth would not be an option to me. You don't like it when your daughter lies to you...do you?
She is doing what addicts do, no response to texts and so on. I'll bet that she will know your number when she wants something...they all do.
I know that all of this is painful to deal with, however, your grandaughter is the true victim of your daughters toxic behavior, do what is best for your grandaughter, your daughter has chosen her path, and she will live it on her own terms....not yours.
She is doing what addicts do, no response to texts and so on. I'll bet that she will know your number when she wants something...they all do.
I know that all of this is painful to deal with, however, your grandaughter is the true victim of your daughters toxic behavior, do what is best for your grandaughter, your daughter has chosen her path, and she will live it on her own terms....not yours.
Her roommate called me tonight and told me she is withdrawing again. This must be the result of using with her ex on Wednesday night. The roommate said she asked him to call me and let me know that she is ok. I haven't tried to contact her at all today. There really isn't anything we can do for her now that she can't and should do for herself.
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I have detoxed from heroin at home, as have my boyfriend and numerous other people I know without complications. Detoxing is only the beginning, adjusting to life sober and learning how to deal with different situations, learning how to experience different emotions, and learning how to avoid temptation is a whole different thing.
There is nothing you can do for your daughter, she needs to want to get clean and she needs to find a program that works for her and she needs to commit to it. You have tried to help in her in past and she has done what addicts do, she did what pleased her in that moment with no regard for tomorrow. I know that you want to believe her when she says she wants to restart her life and that she wants to be clean, but have her actions shown that? She says she wants to restart her life yet she tells her ex where she lives and then claims he "slipped" her something.
I hope that you can find peace and that you can concentrate on yourself and give yourself the tools you need to recover. You're health and mental well being is extremely important. Don't let your worry for her make you forget how much you matter.
hugs
Maylie
There is nothing you can do for your daughter, she needs to want to get clean and she needs to find a program that works for her and she needs to commit to it. You have tried to help in her in past and she has done what addicts do, she did what pleased her in that moment with no regard for tomorrow. I know that you want to believe her when she says she wants to restart her life and that she wants to be clean, but have her actions shown that? She says she wants to restart her life yet she tells her ex where she lives and then claims he "slipped" her something.
I hope that you can find peace and that you can concentrate on yourself and give yourself the tools you need to recover. You're health and mental well being is extremely important. Don't let your worry for her make you forget how much you matter.
hugs
Maylie
I am sorry you are not seeing what you want to see from your daughter (her desire to be clean and sober). It doesn't mean she never will. When my son got the law in his face is when things began to improve for him. Prior to his Dui's he was still productive at work, had a place to live, and a girlfriend. When all those things were stripped from him and he was facing jail time he began to want it to end. He began to want to get clean. So hang in there and let what must happen happen. She has to want to recover for herself. It doesn't matter that it is clear to you she needs help--she has to feel it for herself.
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I am sorry you are not seeing what you want to see from your daughter (her desire to be clean and sober). It doesn't mean she never will. When my son got the law in his face is when things began to improve for him. Prior to his Dui's he was still productive at work, had a place to live, and a girlfriend. When all those things were stripped from him and he was facing jail time he began to want it to end. He began to want to get clean. So hang in there and let what must happen happen. She has to want to recover for herself. It doesn't matter that it is clear to you she needs help--she has to feel it for herself.
My daughter lost a good paying job, her apartment, her license, contact with most of her family, and most importantly, shared custody of her daughter. She is thousands of dollars in debt. Her unemployment recently ended. The only things left she has to lose is contact with us and her child. I don't know what else will matter.
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Addiction is a horrible affliction. It is amazing how much an addict will put up with and all they will lose before they have had enough. Even so, it is not our battle to fight. There is nothing you can do to get your daughter to fight for her life other than to pray. Pray that she comes to the end of her rope.
I really am amazed at how much this disease affects the rest of the family. I hope someday I can help someone else as much as I've been helped on these boards.
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Another Bad Choice
My AD decided to go back to the abusive, heroin/cocaine addicted bf. Her roommate texted me that she said she would go to rehab, but wanted the bf to take her. We all know that isn't going to happen. She is turning her back on all of the people who love her, especially her daughter. She is walking away from the chance to get her life back. I can't imagine how we can help my little granddaughter understand all of this. I am just heartbroken that my daughter would choose this path. Her roommate stayed up all night last night to help her with her withdrawal.
I realize that there is nothing I can do for her. She has made her choice and the consequence of that is far-reaching. There can be no more help from us, her parents, and no more contact with her daughter. The bf will not allow her any freedom. Aside from the drugs and alcohol, her health is at risk. I think I may never see her alive again.
I appreciate all of the advice I have found here. It is the main reason I am not a basket case tonight.
I realize that there is nothing I can do for her. She has made her choice and the consequence of that is far-reaching. There can be no more help from us, her parents, and no more contact with her daughter. The bf will not allow her any freedom. Aside from the drugs and alcohol, her health is at risk. I think I may never see her alive again.
I appreciate all of the advice I have found here. It is the main reason I am not a basket case tonight.
I am sorry Perhaps! I know it's very painful. Addiction defies all our motherly or human instincts. It's like standing on the beach and watching a loved one drowning and there is nothing we can do about it.
Give her to God and keep praying. She is just not done yet. I pray that she is close to it and that she stays safe but feels the consequences to her decisions.
Give her to God and keep praying. She is just not done yet. I pray that she is close to it and that she stays safe but feels the consequences to her decisions.
I realize that there is nothing I can do for her. She has made her choice and the consequence of that is far-reaching. There can be no more help from us, her parents, and no more contact with her daughter. The bf will not allow her any freedom. Aside from the drugs and alcohol, her health is at risk. I think I may never see her alive again. I appreciate all of the advice I have found here. It is the main reason I am not a basket case tonight.
6 months ago I was in the depths of hell with worry after we had stepped back and were watching him free fall. Today he is working a program and has 45 days clean. To me, this is a miracle. Did I make the miracle happen? No...... it only happened when I stepped out of the way.
He might relapse tomorrow and the free fall will start all over.... or maybe not. I'm just grateful....VERY grateful....for today.
I know how hard it is. I've lived it, too.
Perhapslove, I'm sorry that you have to watch your daughter choose a path of self destruction. I know that it is hard at the moment, but try to realize at this point in her life all she is worrying about is sustaining her addiction. It doesn't matter how much everyone around her loves her, it doesn't matter that she has a daughter, it doesn't matter that she was given every opportunity to regain a productive and healthy life, all that she was able to focus on was finding a way to sustain being high. In active addiction it becomes impossible to see beyond getting high.
Now that she has picked her path it is time that you pick yours. If she was going to use while she was here anyway, maybe it is better that she left to go use, this way you can move on with your life and enjoy all the good things that you have going on. Sometimes it is better not to have the option to oversee the addicts every move, it healthier for you to have your own space. You have other adult children and so many grandkids (how lucky you are!) that you can spend time with. Try to enjoy the little things in life. You deserve to be happy and not dragged to the depths of hell.
I hope that you can find peace today, and know that you are not alone in this struggle. You deserve to be happy and not consumed with worry. You don't deserve to be lied to, manipulated, or put in situations where you become physically/mentally sick with worry. You are a good person, you did everything that you could do, and now it is time to remember the things that used to make you happy and to do them!
hugs
Maylie
Now that she has picked her path it is time that you pick yours. If she was going to use while she was here anyway, maybe it is better that she left to go use, this way you can move on with your life and enjoy all the good things that you have going on. Sometimes it is better not to have the option to oversee the addicts every move, it healthier for you to have your own space. You have other adult children and so many grandkids (how lucky you are!) that you can spend time with. Try to enjoy the little things in life. You deserve to be happy and not dragged to the depths of hell.
I hope that you can find peace today, and know that you are not alone in this struggle. You deserve to be happy and not consumed with worry. You don't deserve to be lied to, manipulated, or put in situations where you become physically/mentally sick with worry. You are a good person, you did everything that you could do, and now it is time to remember the things that used to make you happy and to do them!
hugs
Maylie
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Thank you, LoveMeNot and TJP. It is comforting to hear from other moms. I know you understand what this is like. Today I am concentrating on getting MY life back. I am focusing on the marvelous people in my life and hoping for the best for my daughter. Whatever happens, I know we did all we could. Maybe too much. Maybe we have gotten in the way of her recovery. I prayed hard this morning for God to take it all away from me, and for the strength to let go. I will concentrate on the blessings in my life and try not to think about all the "what ifs".
I deeply appreciate your responses. Reading these posts has become part of my daily routine. I will be okay.
I deeply appreciate your responses. Reading these posts has become part of my daily routine. I will be okay.
So glad to you are taking care of you and your healthy relationships. It easy to get distracted from those.
I truly believe every trial is a chance to strengthen our relationship with God. If we miss that opportunity, it really would be our loss.
I truly believe every trial is a chance to strengthen our relationship with God. If we miss that opportunity, it really would be our loss.
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Perhapslove, I'm sorry that you have to watch your daughter choose a path of self destruction. I know that it is hard at the moment, but try to realize at this point in her life all she is worrying about is sustaining her addiction. It doesn't matter how much everyone around her loves her, it doesn't matter that she has a daughter, it doesn't matter that she was given every opportunity to regain a productive and healthy life, all that she was able to focus on was finding a way to sustain being high. In active addiction it becomes impossible to see beyond getting high.
Now that she has picked her path it is time that you pick yours. If she was going to use while she was here anyway, maybe it is better that she left to go use, this way you can move on with your life and enjoy all the good things that you have going on. Sometimes it is better not to have the option to oversee the addicts every move, it healthier for you to have your own space. You have other adult children and so many grandkids (how lucky you are!) that you can spend time with. Try to enjoy the little things in life. You deserve to be happy and not dragged to the depths of hell.
I hope that you can find peace today, and know that you are not alone in this struggle. You deserve to be happy and not consumed with worry. You don't deserve to be lied to, manipulated, or put in situations where you become physically/mentally sick with worry. You are a good person, you did everything that you could do, and now it is time to remember the things that used to make you happy and to do them!
hugs
Maylie
Now that she has picked her path it is time that you pick yours. If she was going to use while she was here anyway, maybe it is better that she left to go use, this way you can move on with your life and enjoy all the good things that you have going on. Sometimes it is better not to have the option to oversee the addicts every move, it healthier for you to have your own space. You have other adult children and so many grandkids (how lucky you are!) that you can spend time with. Try to enjoy the little things in life. You deserve to be happy and not dragged to the depths of hell.
I hope that you can find peace today, and know that you are not alone in this struggle. You deserve to be happy and not consumed with worry. You don't deserve to be lied to, manipulated, or put in situations where you become physically/mentally sick with worry. You are a good person, you did everything that you could do, and now it is time to remember the things that used to make you happy and to do them!
hugs
Maylie
You are right that it is somewhat of a relief that she left if she is going to use. I feel a little guilty saying that, but if using is her goal, I certainly don't want to be part of that.
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