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Daughter detoxing from heroin

Old 10-07-2012, 11:52 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
"My gut tells me she isn't being honest."

I'd trust my gut, there is no reason to keep checking on her, she is an adult, treat her as such. Hands off the addict, if she wants to stay where she is she will get a job. She can always go to the Salvation Army, they have a free inpatient rehab program, and it is a good one. You can't do this for her.

Have you read cynical one(s) blogs, there is a host of great information for parents of addicts and alot on bounderies. Go to the top of this page, click on blogs, insert her name and start reading.

You are making yourself a nervous wreck overthinking her situation, it doesn't accomplish a thing, for you or her.
You are right, dollydo. I AM overthinking and I AM a nervous wreck. Thanks for pointing me to the blog. I will check it out.
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:55 AM
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Outtolunch, sometimes I feel like she is a little girl, and that because she is impaired she can't think for herself. But she DOES make choices, whether good or bad, and they do have consequences, all hers. I can't protect her from the consequences, even though sometimes I think I should. Thanks for your support.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
In it's simplest form, enabling is doing for another what they are capable of doing for themselves. Helping is doing for another what they canNOT do for themselves. This does NOT mean you pay rent on her behalf because she's choosing to do drugs and alcohol instead of getting a job and paying her bills. She doesn't have to worry about that stuff because she knows you will!

If you got hit by a train tomorrow, what would she do then? You are not her only solution. Just step WAY back. What is the use of you calling her to find out if she's gone to meetings or not, or whether she has this girl's phone number, etc. If your daughter wants recovery, she will find her own way. If all she needs is to keep you enmeshed so that he bills are paid, then she'll just tell you what you want to hear!

When you unplug she'll start feeling the real pain of using...but not a moment sooner.
This is my challenge right now. I appreciate hearing that I need to "unplug". I need to work on that. I've texted her 3 times since she visited with her little girl last night (under supervision of her ex-husband). Not one time has she answered. I will not try to contact her again. She had asked my husband to come up tomorrow (his day off) and he said he would, but they didn't work out specifics. If it is important to her, she will contact him.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
((Perhapslove)) - I'm both an RA and a recovering codie with loved ones still using. I can tell you that even when I was homeless, in and out of jail, etc. I knew I was loved. My reaction to dealing with ANYTHING, including the guilt of what I was doing to my loved ones was "get numb". It was absolutely never personal. I didn't use AT anyone, I used because I am an A.

Now, I live with my stepmom and dad - she's an A, he's an enabler. I recently decided to "prove" my gut was right - found 4 empty pill bottles of over 200 pills empty in less than two weeks. Guess what? Didn't matter. She came at me like I was threatening her life, and in essence, I was - I was threatening her addiction.

Now I remember why I had stopped trying to find proof of what I already know. I was her, at one time. I still can't help her because she doesn't want it. I can't help dad not enable her, either, as he doesn't want help. The best I can do is set boundaries and stick to them. If I slip, I get right back up.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
I'm always tempted to "check" for proof that she is doing the right things. But it's really disappointing and disheartening when I find out the opposite. My husband and I decided last night to remind each other when we express things that have anything to do with checking up on her. Hopefully, we can learn to stop that.

Thanks for the advice. I admire you for being able to set boundaries in your living situation. I am making that my goal.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by kmangel View Post
I know you want your daughter to embrace recovery. It must be her choice to do so. Don't make phone calls for her. You've made suggestions to her. Does she really want your suggestions--or anyone else's advice? Let her do the work of getting help. Until she puts forth the effort, she is not ready.
Since I haven't heard anything from her since yesterday, I am starting to accept that my involvement isn't doing any of us any good. I am angry and worried that she hasn't responded to my texts, and I doubt seriously that she is even thinking about it. It is pretty clear to me now that I have to pull back.

My concern now is for my little granddaughter and how much to tell my former son-in-law, who has custody of her. I haven't told him about the recent hospitalization, but since my daughter is NEVER allowed to see my granddaughter without supervision, I don't feel like she is in danger. I allowed myself to be drawn in to the addictive behavior when I agreed not to tell him about this episode (provided she gets treatment). Never again. I have a lot of work to do, too.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:35 PM
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IMO your granddaughter does not need to see a mother under the influence, and hiding the truth would not be an option to me. You don't like it when your daughter lies to you...do you?

She is doing what addicts do, no response to texts and so on. I'll bet that she will know your number when she wants something...they all do.

I know that all of this is painful to deal with, however, your grandaughter is the true victim of your daughters toxic behavior, do what is best for your grandaughter, your daughter has chosen her path, and she will live it on her own terms....not yours.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:47 PM
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I have detoxed from heroin at home, as have my boyfriend and numerous other people I know without complications. Detoxing is only the beginning, adjusting to life sober and learning how to deal with different situations, learning how to experience different emotions, and learning how to avoid temptation is a whole different thing.

There is nothing you can do for your daughter, she needs to want to get clean and she needs to find a program that works for her and she needs to commit to it. You have tried to help in her in past and she has done what addicts do, she did what pleased her in that moment with no regard for tomorrow. I know that you want to believe her when she says she wants to restart her life and that she wants to be clean, but have her actions shown that? She says she wants to restart her life yet she tells her ex where she lives and then claims he "slipped" her something.

I hope that you can find peace and that you can concentrate on yourself and give yourself the tools you need to recover. You're health and mental well being is extremely important. Don't let your worry for her make you forget how much you matter.

hugs

Maylie
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Old 10-07-2012, 06:34 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
IMO your granddaughter does not need to see a mother under the influence, and hiding the truth would not be an option to me. You don't like it when your daughter lies to you...do you?

She is doing what addicts do, no response to texts and so on. I'll bet that she will know your number when she wants something...they all do.

I know that all of this is painful to deal with, however, your grandaughter is the true victim of your daughters toxic behavior, do what is best for your grandaughter, your daughter has chosen her path, and she will live it on her own terms....not yours.
You are right that my granddaughter is the most important victim. Anytime I have facilitated a visit, I pick up my daughter first. If she is sober we get my granddaughter. Unfortunately I can't tell if she is under the influence of drugs. I once did a drug test, but I think she did something to it to make it appear clean.

Her roommate called me tonight and told me she is withdrawing again. This must be the result of using with her ex on Wednesday night. The roommate said she asked him to call me and let me know that she is ok. I haven't tried to contact her at all today. There really isn't anything we can do for her now that she can't and should do for herself.
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Old 10-07-2012, 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Maylie View Post
I have detoxed from heroin at home, as have my boyfriend and numerous other people I know without complications. Detoxing is only the beginning, adjusting to life sober and learning how to deal with different situations, learning how to experience different emotions, and learning how to avoid temptation is a whole different thing.

There is nothing you can do for your daughter, she needs to want to get clean and she needs to find a program that works for her and she needs to commit to it. You have tried to help in her in past and she has done what addicts do, she did what pleased her in that moment with no regard for tomorrow. I know that you want to believe her when she says she wants to restart her life and that she wants to be clean, but have her actions shown that? She says she wants to restart her life yet she tells her ex where she lives and then claims he "slipped" her something.

I hope that you can find peace and that you can concentrate on yourself and give yourself the tools you need to recover. You're health and mental well being is extremely important. Don't let your worry for her make you forget how much you matter.

hugs

Maylie
Thanks so much for this information. According to her roommate, who called me tonight, she is sick again. I guess it is the result of using with her ex the other night. I am fortunate to have 4 other adults children and 7 little granddaughters, who are all such blessings. I have been upset the past few days, but with the help of these posts I am feeling better tonight about letting go of my AD. Even if she wants to get better, she won't unless she takes the steps to get into a program and start going to meetings. Her roommate is offering to drive her for appointments and she met an IV tech in the hospital who is recovering and who offered to take her to meetings. I can't force her to walk through the door. It only takes a few steps, but she has to do it.
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Old 10-07-2012, 07:40 PM
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I am sorry you are not seeing what you want to see from your daughter (her desire to be clean and sober). It doesn't mean she never will. When my son got the law in his face is when things began to improve for him. Prior to his Dui's he was still productive at work, had a place to live, and a girlfriend. When all those things were stripped from him and he was facing jail time he began to want it to end. He began to want to get clean. So hang in there and let what must happen happen. She has to want to recover for herself. It doesn't matter that it is clear to you she needs help--she has to feel it for herself.
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Old 10-07-2012, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by kmangel View Post
I am sorry you are not seeing what you want to see from your daughter (her desire to be clean and sober). It doesn't mean she never will. When my son got the law in his face is when things began to improve for him. Prior to his Dui's he was still productive at work, had a place to live, and a girlfriend. When all those things were stripped from him and he was facing jail time he began to want it to end. He began to want to get clean. So hang in there and let what must happen happen. She has to want to recover for herself. It doesn't matter that it is clear to you she needs help--she has to feel it for herself.
My daughter lost a good paying job, her apartment, her license, contact with most of her family, and most importantly, shared custody of her daughter. She is thousands of dollars in debt. Her unemployment recently ended. The only things left she has to lose is contact with us and her child. I don't know what else will matter.
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Old 10-08-2012, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by PerhapsLove View Post
My daughter lost a good paying job, her apartment, her license, contact with most of her family, and most importantly, shared custody of her daughter. She is thousands of dollars in debt. Her unemployment recently ended. The only things left she has to lose is contact with us and her child. I don't know what else will matter.
Addiction is a horrible affliction. It is amazing how much an addict will put up with and all they will lose before they have had enough. Even so, it is not our battle to fight. There is nothing you can do to get your daughter to fight for her life other than to pray. Pray that she comes to the end of her rope.
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Old 10-08-2012, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by kmangel View Post
Addiction is a horrible affliction. It is amazing how much an addict will put up with and all they will lose before they have had enough. Even so, it is not our battle to fight. There is nothing you can do to get your daughter to fight for her life other than to pray. Pray that she comes to the end of her rope.
She was taken to the hospital by ambulance today. Her roommate was concerned about how sick she is from her withdrawal and he said she started yelling at him to get her some alcohol. I haven't talked to her, but apparently she agreed to go to rehab. I guess I will find out.

I really am amazed at how much this disease affects the rest of the family. I hope someday I can help someone else as much as I've been helped on these boards.
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Old 10-08-2012, 08:57 PM
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Another Bad Choice

My AD decided to go back to the abusive, heroin/cocaine addicted bf. Her roommate texted me that she said she would go to rehab, but wanted the bf to take her. We all know that isn't going to happen. She is turning her back on all of the people who love her, especially her daughter. She is walking away from the chance to get her life back. I can't imagine how we can help my little granddaughter understand all of this. I am just heartbroken that my daughter would choose this path. Her roommate stayed up all night last night to help her with her withdrawal.

I realize that there is nothing I can do for her. She has made her choice and the consequence of that is far-reaching. There can be no more help from us, her parents, and no more contact with her daughter. The bf will not allow her any freedom. Aside from the drugs and alcohol, her health is at risk. I think I may never see her alive again.

I appreciate all of the advice I have found here. It is the main reason I am not a basket case tonight.
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:22 PM
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I am sorry Perhaps! I know it's very painful. Addiction defies all our motherly or human instincts. It's like standing on the beach and watching a loved one drowning and there is nothing we can do about it.

Give her to God and keep praying. She is just not done yet. I pray that she is close to it and that she stays safe but feels the consequences to her decisions.
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by PerhapsLove View Post
I realize that there is nothing I can do for her. She has made her choice and the consequence of that is far-reaching. There can be no more help from us, her parents, and no more contact with her daughter. The bf will not allow her any freedom. Aside from the drugs and alcohol, her health is at risk. I think I may never see her alive again. I appreciate all of the advice I have found here. It is the main reason I am not a basket case tonight.
PerhapsLove...Dear One....Take heart! I can't tell you how many dark nights I had those same thoughts. I absolutely KNEW that my son was going to die and die soon. When I let him fall I knew I was taking that risk... but really, did I have any choice? In my mind (and with LOTS of help from the wisdom here at SR) I didn't see any other VIABLE choice but to hand it over to God. Anything else I did to "help" him really did just the opposite.

6 months ago I was in the depths of hell with worry after we had stepped back and were watching him free fall. Today he is working a program and has 45 days clean. To me, this is a miracle. Did I make the miracle happen? No...... it only happened when I stepped out of the way.

He might relapse tomorrow and the free fall will start all over.... or maybe not. I'm just grateful....VERY grateful....for today.

I know how hard it is. I've lived it, too.
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Old 10-09-2012, 09:00 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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Perhapslove, I'm sorry that you have to watch your daughter choose a path of self destruction. I know that it is hard at the moment, but try to realize at this point in her life all she is worrying about is sustaining her addiction. It doesn't matter how much everyone around her loves her, it doesn't matter that she has a daughter, it doesn't matter that she was given every opportunity to regain a productive and healthy life, all that she was able to focus on was finding a way to sustain being high. In active addiction it becomes impossible to see beyond getting high.

Now that she has picked her path it is time that you pick yours. If she was going to use while she was here anyway, maybe it is better that she left to go use, this way you can move on with your life and enjoy all the good things that you have going on. Sometimes it is better not to have the option to oversee the addicts every move, it healthier for you to have your own space. You have other adult children and so many grandkids (how lucky you are!) that you can spend time with. Try to enjoy the little things in life. You deserve to be happy and not dragged to the depths of hell.

I hope that you can find peace today, and know that you are not alone in this struggle. You deserve to be happy and not consumed with worry. You don't deserve to be lied to, manipulated, or put in situations where you become physically/mentally sick with worry. You are a good person, you did everything that you could do, and now it is time to remember the things that used to make you happy and to do them!

hugs

Maylie
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Old 10-09-2012, 09:11 AM
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Thank you, LoveMeNot and TJP. It is comforting to hear from other moms. I know you understand what this is like. Today I am concentrating on getting MY life back. I am focusing on the marvelous people in my life and hoping for the best for my daughter. Whatever happens, I know we did all we could. Maybe too much. Maybe we have gotten in the way of her recovery. I prayed hard this morning for God to take it all away from me, and for the strength to let go. I will concentrate on the blessings in my life and try not to think about all the "what ifs".

I deeply appreciate your responses. Reading these posts has become part of my daily routine. I will be okay.
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Old 10-09-2012, 09:20 AM
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So glad to you are taking care of you and your healthy relationships. It easy to get distracted from those.

I truly believe every trial is a chance to strengthen our relationship with God. If we miss that opportunity, it really would be our loss.
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Old 10-09-2012, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Maylie View Post
Perhapslove, I'm sorry that you have to watch your daughter choose a path of self destruction. I know that it is hard at the moment, but try to realize at this point in her life all she is worrying about is sustaining her addiction. It doesn't matter how much everyone around her loves her, it doesn't matter that she has a daughter, it doesn't matter that she was given every opportunity to regain a productive and healthy life, all that she was able to focus on was finding a way to sustain being high. In active addiction it becomes impossible to see beyond getting high.

Now that she has picked her path it is time that you pick yours. If she was going to use while she was here anyway, maybe it is better that she left to go use, this way you can move on with your life and enjoy all the good things that you have going on. Sometimes it is better not to have the option to oversee the addicts every move, it healthier for you to have your own space. You have other adult children and so many grandkids (how lucky you are!) that you can spend time with. Try to enjoy the little things in life. You deserve to be happy and not dragged to the depths of hell.

I hope that you can find peace today, and know that you are not alone in this struggle. You deserve to be happy and not consumed with worry. You don't deserve to be lied to, manipulated, or put in situations where you become physically/mentally sick with worry. You are a good person, you did everything that you could do, and now it is time to remember the things that used to make you happy and to do them!

hugs

Maylie
Thanks, Maylie. Your post really hit home. It is so helpful to have this kind of support. I realized last night that my husband is too angry and in too much pain to be very supportive of me right now. I'm so grateful that I found this site. I have struggled with what I could have done differently when she was little, but then I look at my other 4 children, who are all successful and haven't chosen her path. I do know I did the best I could, and I have loved them all every step of the way.

You are right that it is somewhat of a relief that she left if she is going to use. I feel a little guilty saying that, but if using is her goal, I certainly don't want to be part of that.
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