PerhapsLove

I just can't understand why she did this again. I feel like she is agreeing to rehab just to appease us. What will keep her from using again when she gets out? My husband is completely fed up. He feels like he's been kicked in the teeth. I'm angry, too, but I have a hard time believing she wants to be high more than she wants a relationship with us. Of all my kids, she has always been the one most attached to me. Is she using that? Thank you for your support. I will be on these pages a lot from now on.

LoveMeNow

No, I don't believe it is personal at all. It has nothing to do with her love for you. Addiction is very cunning and baffling. He brain has been rewired to sustain and protect her addiction.

Just know - You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. If love could "fix" our addicts, none of us would be here. She has to truly want recovery in order to have a chance.

LoveMeNow

Original post by Transformyself

Addiction Journal
“What they put us through” – not intentional!
October 1, 2012


“What they put us through” – not intentional! « Addiction Journal

I attended a 12-step meeting this week and was talking to another parent outside in the parking lot. I inquired about how their child was doing. They responded, “She is incarcerated.” The parent then sheepishly admitted they were enjoying the peace on the home front.

Peace due to incarceration – This is a normal emotion for parents of addicts. The fact is Parents of addicts are often more relaxed when their active child is incarcerated. Peace with a side order of guilt! But we do love the main course of Peace! But I digress ….

The parent continued on saying ” After all she put us through…” At that point I reminded them, “Their addiction is not about us parents. Our addict children are not “putting us through” anything. They are painfully living the life of addiction. We are merely the collateral damage.” They paused, then smiled and said “You’re right! ” (I love to be right!) Then I told them I had some very good teachers! (That would be the person reading this blog today)

Our kids don’t use drugs to hurt parents. They don’t want to put us through trauma. It just happens to play out that way. Our children love us and feel totally guilty when they abuse us, or are totally not factoring us in. Most times we are only factored in when we can be manipulated to further their usage.

We all get angry at certain times during their addiction but I was always cautioned to remember it’s a disease. Again they are not putting us through anything…well intentionally anyway.

We emotionally bleed for our kids…it’s normal. We must learn to contain the bleeding .

Peace and strength!

crazybabie

I am sorry your going through this as a mother of 2 addicted sons and a wife of an addict I know how you feel.

I will be praying for your family.

crazybabie

Well said LMN

miiichael

I am so sorry.
The fact that she has you as somebody who cares for her really will make all the difference.

tjp613

Well, PerhapsLove, I didn't WANT to be right, that is for sure. But I've been thru this enough to recognize it for what it is. My son (22 yo heroin addict) has finally got 45 days of clean time....the most he's had in 5 or 6 years. Stepping away and allowing him to experience the hell of jail life apparently was a keen motivator. He lost everything -- no money, no phone, no home, family detached, no job....and then in jail with nobody willing to bail him out.... this is what it took for him. He's currently in sober living and in an IOP now. He's working a program. Was watching him fall painful for us, his family? Yes indeed -- the most painful thing I've endured in my life. Did I have to accept that he might very well die from his addiction? Yes, I did.

Oh, and yes, my son requested rehab and detox 4-5 times and either got kicked out for using, or used within 24 hours of release. Looking back on it, I do believe it was only a way to keep us hooked in and/or avoid the pain of withdrawal. I dunno. All I know is that jail scared the crap out of him and he doesn't want to go back. For now that seems to be enough to keep him on the path of recovery.

dollydo

"My husband is completely fed up. He feels like he's been kicked in the teeth. I'm angry, too, but I have a hard time believing she wants to be high more than she wants a relationship with us."

Getting high is her life, right now it is the most important thing in her life. She has forsaken her own daughter for her addiction. Addiction is all life altering, an addict will do
most anything to get their DOC.

At times in our lives we must accept what we cannot change. Although there is to you no rhymn or reason to this devil called addiction, know that the HP has a plan for your daughter, and no matter what you do or say, the plan will continue to move forward.

I am so very sorry, spend some time with your other children, your grandchild and your husband, enjoy them, there is nothing that you can do for your daughter but pray that she will find her way out of this hell she has created for herself.

PerhapsLove

Everyone is so awesome here. I am very grateful that God led me to this site many months ago. I hope someday I can give back what I am finding here. I do have to remind myself often that she is not doing this "to" us. But I worry that if I cut her off completely, she will think we didn't love her. The worst thought in the world for me right now is of her dying of an overdose and thinking she was so worthless than even her own mother gave up on her.

PerhapsLove

Her problem is that no really bad consequence has ever happened. She went to jail for 4 days when she got the DUI. But since then she has fallen through the cracks so many times that no one has follow up on what could be hard for her. I know she hasn't been in touch with her probation officer. She was arrested and fined for public drunkenness a year ago and the warrant they issued for failure to appear has been changed to "inactive". Worst of all, her ex-roommate had to call an ambulance to pick her up last spring because she was drunk and unresponsive. After they took my daughter to the hospital, the roommate found drug paraphernalia and called the police. The police came and took the stuff but said they weren't going to charge her because she "had enough problems". Sooner or later I guess she won't be so lucky. Right now she thinks she is invincible.

Oh, and another thing they found at the ER last night: she has a massive pelvic infection. I can only imagine how she got it. I guess they really will do anything for drug money.

SundaysChild

You don't need to cut her off from your love and support. You can tell her you love her, and let her know you'll support her in her recovery efforts. Whether or not that support is emotional and financial, or just emotional is a personal decision.

You can also let her know that while you will always love her, you don't want addiction in YOUR life...so cannot support her if she continues to choose drugs.

She will always be your daughter...but sometimes saying "No" or "I can't support that behavior" is the most loving thing you can do.

PerhapsLove

That is a good way to put it. I was struggling with the notion that drawing limits meant I had to cut her out of my life. I am much more comfortable telling her that I don't want addiction in my life. I am also comfortable withholding financial support if she isn't making any effort at recovery.

tjp613

My son has ALWAYS known that I love him and would do my very best to help him when HE WAS READY to get sober. He's working hard now and we are paying rent at the sober house. He knows that if he relapses (and doesn't get back in the program immediately) that we will cut him off again and he will be living on the streets....which means eventually going back to jail. He knows we are serious as a heart attack about this.

PerhapsLove

I don't know how much we will be able to afford, but it's one step at a time. She has medical assistance, so hopefully that will pay for rehab. I told her on the phone that I am not willing to allow addiction in my life one more second, but that I love her and will support her commitment to get treatment. Thanks so much for your input. I really appreciate the advice.

PerhapsLove

My daughter was discharged from the hospital with much information and a roommate who is willing to let her continue living in his house. On top of that, a young woman who drew her blood in the ER admitted to us all that she was a cocaine addict who has been clean for 18 months and is slowing recovering her life. She offered to come back after her shift and talk to my daughter, which she did. They exchanged phone numbers and she told my daughter she would take her to meetings.

When she was discharged she was given information about being evaluated for treatment, whether she needs inpatient or outpatient. She says she will call them on Monday to make an appointment for "intake". I asked her today if she had heard from her new friend from the hospital and she said she lost her number. I suggested that she call the hospital and ask them to give her a message. She says the friend called and was going to pick her up for a meeting. Later she said that because she had plans with her little girl, there wasn't enough time, but that the friend had dropped off literature and they made plans to go to a meeting together tomorrow.

My gut tells me she isn't being honest. Is it worthwhile to check her stories? She says she can't afford to fill the prescriptions they gave her in the hospital. I feel like she is avoiding things again. She has paid her rent for this month, but unless she gets a job, she will not be able to afford it next month.
I'm still trying to figure out where the boundaries are between enabling and helping. I am so tired of the emotional stress.

dollydo

"My gut tells me she isn't being honest."

I'd trust my gut, there is no reason to keep checking on her, she is an adult, treat her as such. Hands off the addict, if she wants to stay where she is she will get a job. She can always go to the Salvation Army, they have a free inpatient rehab program, and it is a good one. You can't do this for her.

Have you read cynical one(s) blogs, there is a host of great information for parents of addicts and alot on bounderies. Go to the top of this page, click on blogs, insert her name and start reading.

You are making yourself a nervous wreck overthinking her situation, it doesn't accomplish a thing, for you or her.

outtolunch

So many of us parents here have this need to make sure our adult children feel loved as if the adult child forgets one day to the next. The reality is that this kind of thinking is a tad self-serving and all about validating ourselves.

You are not responsible for what she thinks or the choices she makes and vice-versa.

tjp613

In it's simplest form, enabling is doing for another what they are capable of doing for themselves. Helping is doing for another what they canNOT do for themselves. This does NOT mean you pay rent on her behalf because she's choosing to do drugs and alcohol instead of getting a job and paying her bills. She doesn't have to worry about that stuff because she knows you will!

If you got hit by a train tomorrow, what would she do then? You are not her only solution. Just step WAY back. What is the use of you calling her to find out if she's gone to meetings or not, or whether she has this girl's phone number, etc. If your daughter wants recovery, she will find her own way. If all she needs is to keep you enmeshed so that he bills are paid, then she'll just tell you what you want to hear!

When you unplug she'll start feeling the real pain of using...but not a moment sooner.

Impurrfect

((Perhapslove)) - I'm both an RA and a recovering codie with loved ones still using. I can tell you that even when I was homeless, in and out of jail, etc. I knew I was loved. My reaction to dealing with ANYTHING, including the guilt of what I was doing to my loved ones was "get numb". It was absolutely never personal. I didn't use AT anyone, I used because I am an A.

Now, I live with my stepmom and dad - she's an A, he's an enabler. I recently decided to "prove" my gut was right - found 4 empty pill bottles of over 200 pills empty in less than two weeks. Guess what? Didn't matter. She came at me like I was threatening her life, and in essence, I was - I was threatening her addiction.

Now I remember why I had stopped trying to find proof of what I already know. I was her, at one time. I still can't help her because she doesn't want it. I can't help dad not enable her, either, as he doesn't want help. The best I can do is set boundaries and stick to them. If I slip, I get right back up.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

kmangel

I know you want your daughter to embrace recovery. It must be her choice to do so. Don't make phone calls for her. You've made suggestions to her. Does she really want your suggestions--or anyone else's advice? Let her do the work of getting help. Until she puts forth the effort, she is not ready.