He is moving out!

Old 10-01-2012, 09:03 PM
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You're married......don't you think you deserve some of that commission check?

That sucks that he's your only job reference! I disagree though. I think you can absolutely tell a potential employer that he's your soon to be ex and he has issues that he hasn't properly addressed.

Too bad you and I can't be roommates.
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Faithlove View Post
You're married......don't you think you deserve some of that commission check?

That sucks that he's your only job reference! I disagree though. I think you can absolutely tell a potential employer that he's your soon to be ex and he has issues that he hasn't properly addressed.

Too bad you and I can't be roommates.
Yes, I deserve some of it. The bills are all due! Do you think you could represent me on this one? lol! I may not have passed the bar, but I can argue your case for you!!

Hey, I offered to be your personal assistant. lol
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:17 PM
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You're funny!

In our state, there's still a duty for a husband to support his wife. Maybe you should just leave him and file for alimony/maintenance. Actually, stay put and file for divorce, ask for support, and ask for him to be temporarily responsible for maintaining the house payment and utilities. Just think of all the marital assets he's wasted on drugs. Income is included.
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Faithlove View Post
You're funny!

In our state, there's still a duty for a husband to support his wife. Maybe you should just leave him and file for alimony/maintenance. Actually, stay put and file for divorce, ask for support, and ask for him to be temporarily responsible for maintaining the house payment and utilities. Just think of all the marital assets he's wasted on drugs. Income is included.
My county just laid of 6 family court judges. There is a 3 month wait for emergency child support, I have been told. By the time I could get him in court, I hope to be long gone.

I just need to wait until my bankruptcy is over and done with. My 800 credit score is now crap because of my own stupity. Oh well, I can't turn back the clock. Live and learn!!
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
If you're serious this time...get your ducks in a row. Try to make a copy of that check, along with copies of all W-2 or 1090 statements, the past 7 years tax returns, all bank accounts, any investments, copies of any and all proof of income and put them in a safe deposit box. Shut down any joint accounts and open new ones in your name at a different bank. Get a copy of your credit reports from all 3 agencies and then close down any joint cards and open new ones in your name only. Seek legal counsel and get a legal separation going ASAP, this will protect you from any of his future debt. Right now your adrenaline is pumping, but soon reality will set in and you will need time to mourn the loss of the marriage. Now would be a good time to double up on meetings and time in therapy.
I am seeing my therapist twice a week, my coda group once a week, and 2 meetings a week.

We have no more joint accounts, I have copies of his bank statements and I have filed personal bankruptcy. My state does not have legal separation but I will be filing for divorce and hopefully I can get a lawyer who makes him pay. I still need retainer money though.

Or my friend used a para-legal. I am in a no fault state. I could probably try it that way. I am sure I can do it myself. He has completely bankrupted us. I am letting the bank take the house because I refuse to be locked into a 5 yr chapter 13 with him.

It's time to rebuild on my own!!
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Old 10-02-2012, 12:21 AM
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LMN,
Your are strong.
You will persevere.
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Old 10-02-2012, 01:21 AM
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when you are having a bad day just ask yourself...do you deserve better than what you are being offered by him. (you know you do...and so much more.)
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Old 10-02-2012, 09:07 AM
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Well, he is not bluffing. I see that he has called several realtor's and has been looking on line.

To be honest, a little fear and anxiety has set in.
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Old 10-02-2012, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot View Post
Well, he is not bluffing. I see that he has called several realtor's and has been looking on line.

To be honest, a little fear and anxiety has set in.
Well....you're not bluffing either....so keep doing what you're doing.

Wasn't there a time when just SAYING he was going to leave...caused Fear?

In order for him to manipulate you, he has to raise the level of his actions.

Sit back and laugh LMN....because, really....they act like teenagers throwing a tantrum.

I float in and out of all of these feelings daily....so I get it. And it totally sucks.
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Old 10-02-2012, 01:11 PM
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I can see and hear that he is fighting the demon within. His wanting to move out means he wants to use. His addiction is calling him.

I will not attempt to control him! I will not attempt to rescue him! Whatever happens, I am going to be OK. It's his life, his choices, his recovery or not! I have my own demons to deal with, I can only control me.

I will not let my own fears or anxiety control me, my thoughts and actions. I am letting go and letting God.

However, if he thinks he can take pills and live here (even while looking for a place) - somebody may have to bail me out of jail! Obviously, I still have a lot of work to do on me, lol
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Old 10-02-2012, 02:48 PM
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Yes, I agree that the addiction is calling him. So very sad. I'm so sorry for the pain.

I think you sound like a very strong person, and will get thru this loss.

Thinking of you.
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Old 10-02-2012, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by story74 View Post
Yes, I agree that the addiction is calling him. So very sad. I'm so sorry for the pain.

I think you sound like a very strong person, and will get thru this loss.

Thinking of you.
Thank you Story! (((hugs))) to you and your son.
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Old 10-02-2012, 05:59 PM
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To my surprise, my husband became humble, apologized and admitted he has a long road ahead of him. He gave me the all the money and told me to pay whatever needed to be paid and to put the rest away in my account.

I am not sure how I feel about things right now. I now understand why people should not be with someone in early recovery. The roller coaster of emotions can still exist. However, this time - I did not get on. I stood firm, kept my boundaries, and I did not attempt to control or rescue. It's his battle and he must fight it alone.

I am pleased to say...he did acknowledge a big difference in my attitude and told me he was glad to see me becoming stronger to his "nonsense."

More will be revealed.
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Old 10-02-2012, 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot View Post
To my surprise, my husband became humble, apologized and admitted he has a long road ahead of him. He gave me the all the money and told me to pay whatever needed to be paid and to put the rest away in my account.

I am not sure how I feel about things right now. I now understand why people should not be with someone in early recovery. The roller coaster of emotions can still exist. However, this time - I did not get on. I stood firm, kept my boundaries, and I did not attempt to control or rescue. It's his battle and he must fight it alone.

I am pleased to say...he did acknowledge a big difference in my attitude and told me he was glad to see me becoming stronger to his "nonsense."

More will be revealed.
Thank you for this perspective. I learned to love the "more will be revealed" concept. It helps me with patience and trust. Rather than the glib assertion that comes from well meaning friends that everything is peachy keen in the moment, when it might not be fine in the moment at all. The truth is that the moment may be heartbreaking or infuriating or whatever. But I can grasp the idea that I can and will hang in there because more will be revealed. That the story is not over.

I've been struggling with the loss of my ABF who is in early recovery. What I've learned in the last week since the breakup is that the roller coaster of early sobriety is very real for me as well as him. I have to anticipate that I will be on the roller coaster for awhile and plan ahead. One way would be to minimize my time on the roller coaster by limiting contact with him (although I haven't mastered that one and still cave in) and setting up many more supports in my life. (I have done well with that and added group therapy and extra Alanon to my week's lineup)

Your post about his newfound respect for not taking his BS reminded me of something new for me: I notice that he doesn't protest as he would have before when I assert boundaries. He stills cross my lines sometimes, but I think my decreasing tolerance for the BS has been interpreted as renewed respect for me and my space. So that's one good thing.

Sending you many hugs and support.
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Old 10-02-2012, 08:19 PM
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LMN - Stay Strong. You are doing the right thing and focusing on you. If you want some advice from someone who has been on the roller coaster many times. Take that money and pay the bills as fast as possible. It's great that he acknowledges and is taking steps to take accountability and responsibility. However, there is a very high probability that the actions will shift again. Begin preparing yourself. When you are ready, there may be other options for you. I researched the laws in my state, which is also a no fault state. There are grounds for divorce and addiction is one of the reasons to claim extreme cruelty, there is also economic misconduct and criminal malfeseance (sp?). There was also an emergency order to show cause, where I was able to get him to leave the house. Granted, he landed in some pretty heavy legal issues all in one day, which gave me solid proof. Not sure of your personal situation or your state- just thought I'd give you some alternatives. I called 9 lawyers before I was able to get a lawyer to agree to a fraction of the retainer. Stay focused on you.
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Old 10-02-2012, 08:37 PM
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Thank you SupportforMe! Great info to know.

I have been "preparing" for a while now. I have stashed away money that he can never get his hands on. I have made a back up plan too. Also, he isn't on my bank account anymore so I know that money is safe. Apparently, some of his NA buddies really laid into him after the meeting. It's nice to know they are holding him accountable too.

He is only 20 something days clean after his relapse (after 80 something days clean) - he seems to be motivated but is still struggling. Regardless, my recovery is what matters to me now and I will not be sucked into his "problems" ever again.
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Old 10-02-2012, 11:23 PM
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Good for you for staying strong with your boundaries. My RABF is 2 years clean, and still struggles sometimes. You are right, living with somebody in recovery is a huge roller coaster, but there are things we can do to make the ride better. It must be hard for you with him threatening to leave and then apologizing. That up and down stuff can drive you crazy.
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Old 10-02-2012, 11:51 PM
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You did take the money, right? All of it?
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Old 10-03-2012, 12:03 AM
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You probably got that covered but stash the cheque books, I've seen many addicts forge signatures.
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Old 10-03-2012, 12:21 AM
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Ah the repentant man approach. AH does that. Be careful, if you don't cave to the nice guy routine, guilt man and anger man are right around the corner.
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