lillygirl

Today was pretty eye opening. He is still in denial, of course. I thought having to go to detox would be his rock bottom but it clearly isn't. He is demanding to know where we stand. I initially tried to protect him....and then realized I can't. I was overly generous, saying "I need a month completely on my own and then I will reassess" and he couldn't accept that. That was FAR too generous of me, and for him to not even take that chance...yeah. He is facing no consequences right now. I'll be that consequence. He won't think he's an addict until something shakes his world.

It's pretty clear to me. I still have weak moments. But the hardest thing is reading his words so deep in denial and addiction and knowing that I can't shake him out of it. That's the only time I cried today (trust me this is a big deal haha..I've been crying nonstop) was to read him explain what he did, followed by "but I don't consider this addict behavior".

There's no convincing him. My expectations were far, far too high. This is going to be a long journey for him :/. But I'm not a professional and I can't make the realizations for him.

Again, thanks to everyone for the words. I realize that him and I can never be together like we were again. I need to change my life. He needs to change his. He can't even admit he has a problem, so with his enabling family, there's ZERO consequences for him right now. So annoying.

EnglishGarden

Lilly, if you ever need support just post, we will do our best to give you our experience and insight.

In the Big Book of AA, the alcoholic is described as a tornado who leaves a path of destruction in his wake: shattered people, financial ruin, homes and families destroyed.

You are living this experience. Please don't be alone with it and always have support there or here.

Jody675

lilly the best thing i ever did was to walk away from my Abf. we werent involved as long as you were, but the day i decided that i didnt need his bs in my life, and the fact that he really didnt see that his problem was that big a deal, i realised i didnt want to subject my self, and my children to his insanity. you sound so much wiser than your years, and your strength is inspiring. in just a short time, you will be grateful that all of this was revealed to you, while walking away was relatively uncomplicated. you will find true happiness with someone who will bring happiness to your life....not insanity and destruction. i wish you all the best.

SSHope

Good for you! You are right to focus on yourself. Your BF is the only one who can choose recovery for himself. Timelines, etc. set both of you up. What happens when you find someone else who loves and respects you? Do you walk away from a potentially healthy relationship because you promised ABF that you would consider a relationship again after 1 year of recovery? You deserve to be happy, and with someone who respects you and your relationship. God bless and hang in there!

oooopps

1. Religions aside, normal people accept break ups. It hurts but eventually everyone move on with their lives. You are a Christian but that does not obligate you to sign your life away for a life full of pain, sadness, stress, worries, instability, and theft. Being with an addict you are guaranteed all of that. Also, how long can you be there for a heroin addict? ... I mean, you have to cut it off at sometime for your own survival. And if being with him is at the expense of your happiness... how unfair is that?! You have the right to choose to surround yourself with healthy and positive people. Shame on the brother for trying to guilt you. You are smarter than that to fall for it.

2. Because what else is there to say?? - Exactly, none.
What possible information about the situation can he tell me to change my mind?? He is a heroin addict that has been in detox for 5 days and is out. He is going to relapse. He does not need me right now. - Exactly, and if you change your mind you are prolonging unnecessary pain. He will need to deal with his addiction on his own, without you as it should be. Nothing you can do will help him so it's best to cut ties now.

I dated a heroin addict for 3 years. It was H-E-L-L on earth. I ran after 3 years. I hope you dont give him anymore years than what you've already given. Heal yourself, learn, and one day find a healthy positive guy to be with.

mstrust

lillygirl?? how's things?